Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Ask Zorbak: The Ezine Edition
I really begin to think that the TRUE reason we celebrate holidays around here is to annoy me personally.
Let's face it: SnuggleFest is a joke of a holiday. It was created solely to eclipse Valentine's Day (another useless holiday, I might add)... which ironically was solely created to eclipse the Lupercalia (which sounded like it was a much more happening celebration). I would go so far as to label SnuggleFest as a classic "Hallmark Holiday," were it not for the fact that there are no Hallmarks in Lore... a circumstance for which I am eternally grateful. I mean, it's bad enough that I'm expected to pretend I LIKE these holidays, or at the very least write theme columns about them every other month... imagine if I was also expected to waste my hard-earned gold on insipid greeting cards covered with overly-sappy sentimental messages. And glitter. I HATE cards with glitter! You know how tough it is to pick glitter out of my fur? I end up walking around sparkling in the sunlight for the next two weeks. And THAT usually means that I end up with some misguided teeny-bopper running up to me and asking my opinion on the latest "Twilight" movie, and if I prefer Edward or Jacob. As if I would waste my precious time reading such nonsense or watching those movies, or even bothering to take sides in an epic confrontation between fictional characters and... what? Why is everyone snickering?
Now where was I? Oh, yes...
So, SnuggleFest. All I have to say is don't hold your breath expecting me to say something nice, or you'll end up even bluer then I am. If you want someone to denounce SnuggleFest as the farce it is, or to poke fun at the love-struck fools who will inevitably be mooning over their one true love, then I'm your Moglin. I'm even be willing to make cynical and sarcastic suggestions as to the 104 things people could better be spending their time and money on. But I flat-out refuse to positively partake in promoting this nonsense in any way, shape or form.
And for the record: my hatred of SnuggleFest has absolutely NOTHING to do with being the one Moglin in class who never got any SnuggleFest cards in the stupid little mailbox they forced us to make as an Arts-and-Crafts project back in Mrs. Moglowski's 3rd grade class. Nope. Nothing. I'm not at ALL scarred for life by the fact that I sat there with an empty desk while even KABROZ got to open a pile of cards from his secret *cough*Poelala*cough* admirer.
Anyway, I've already given this insipid holiday far more attention then it deserves... so let's move on to this month's questions.
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Executionered asks: How can i get free dragon coins?
I recommend you try posting a YouTube video of yourself in a Twilly costume, riding a unicycle and holding a sign that says "Please donate Dragon coins." While people throw banana cream pies at you. And no, I'm not just saying that to see if you'll actually do it...
Momo9600 asks: Can I be a guardian for free?
Sure... just follow the same advice I gave Executionered above. Only they should throw chocolate cream pies at you, because banana cream pies are only for Dragon Coins.
20manof100 asks: what is the balance between liches and necromancers!? I really cant understand this.
Lichs are losers who use magic to cram their souls into tiny little jars in an attempt to cheat death. Necromancers, on the other hand, are powerful sorcerers who have no need to fear death because we have gained a complete and total mastery over it. In addition, necromancers are handsome and powerful, and much more fun at parties.
Alatariel Lunia Mithrandir asks: How come Twilly always carries that leafy stick thing around with him all the time?
President Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt once said "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Of course, this has nothing to do with Twilly, since Twilly speaks loudly and annoyingly, and has absolutely no idea who Teddy Roosevelt is...
Yamato Ayashi X asks: Zorbak if you were given a choice to be an Assassin or a Necromancer which one will you pick and why?
I would obviously pick Necromancer, because necromancy is all about skill and power. Any fool can kill someone, but only a true Master can bring them back from the dead.
Lim Clayton asks: Zorbak, if Death agrees to give all her souls to you for you to turn them into undeads and you take over Lore, what is the first change you will do to Battleon?
There would be Free Taco Night every Tuesday, and all Ebil Necromancers would get a special card that entitled them to half off on any purchases from Warlic's shop.
Lustersword5 asks: I don't believe that you're as EBIL as you say you are, due to the fact that every so often, you ask for help. What say you to that, my good man?
I'm constantly tricking millions of people into doing my work for me. For FREE. Sounds pretty ebil to me!
Azhan75 asks: Zorbak, does Twilly have brothers?
Fortunately, no. One Twilly is bad enough. The last thing we need around here is another one (probably with a stupid name like "Ylliwt") running around...
Gurr210 asks: Do you like cheese?
Who doesn't like cheese?
JJkkmax asks: Can you go on my account and get me doom knight armor please?
If I were going to go on your account, I wouldn't be doing it to get you doom knight armor. I'd be doing it to sell all your stuff to teach you a valuable lesson about why you shouldn't let other people access your account.
Osama 2009 asks: Hi, what is the hint for moglin punter?
Wear steel-toed boots. You'll get much better distance, and they'll help protect your toes.
Egyptian God asks: Do you know who Twilly is in love with?
Given the way Twilly babbles endlessly, I'd say the only thing he's in love with is the sound of his own voice.
Vampirezombiedude11 asks: Why are you so downright angry all the time?
Angry? ME? I have no idea what you're talking about! Just because I'm ebil and sarcastic and generally hate everybody doesn't mean I'm angry...
Geesegeese asks: Dear Zorbak, In Dragonfable You were expelled from necromancy school, why?
I was NOT expelled! This is a vicious lie, started by other so-called necromancers who are jealous of my power. The TRUTH is that I left of my own free will, because I was so far above the level of my instructors that they were useless to me... so I decided to quit and save the tuition money.
Jacob123 asks: Why haven't you made an Ask Zorbak episode in years? Have you been too busy watching Yugioh the abridged series?
I answer all my Ask Zorbak questions here in the Ezine now; it's a much more efficient use of my time. And I'd sooner skewer my eyeballs with hot pokers then watch an episode of Yu-gi-oh.
Foolycooly121 asks: How EBIL are you?
On a scale from one to ten? I'm an eleven.
Bryandrew21 asks: What games are you in?
Not enough of them. I should be I EVERY game. After all, there's nothing in this world that couldn't possibly be better with MORE Zorbak!
Storm Master asks: Since you have such "natural" talents as a necromancer, why did you go to Necropolis in the first place?
Because College is a great place to meet chicks. Unfortunately, the Necropolis was just as deficient in that department as it was academically.
Alan9291 asks: Dear Zorbak, how more ugly can you get?
Well, I suppose I could get plastic surgery so I'd look like you...
Darkwarrior5498 asks: Where did that scar on your eye come from?
As much as I'd love to regale you with the tale of the daring and dangerous exploits that led to my scar, I just don't have the space in this column. Incidentally, on an ENTIRELY unrelated note... next time your Mother tells you not to run while carrying the scissors, I suggest you listen to her.
Sorwaitte asks: Dear deliciously ebil, wonderfully horrible Zorbak, why do you bear a strange resemblance to the stuffed blue rabbit with a blue rose bud next to her ear that is currently in the back of my mom's sewing closet?
It sounds like your Mother is trying to start an illegal underground business selling bootleg Zorbak plushies. I respect the fact that you have ratted her out. She'll be hearing from my lawyers shortly.
Zakius 3 asks: Did you ever make mistake?
I've only ever made one mistake. You see, there was this one time when I thought I was wrong...
Pocketmonsters asks: Zorbak, why hasn't Ebilgames or Ask Zorbak been updated recently?
"Ask Zorbak" gets updated monthly in the Ezine now, instead of on the Ebilgames site. As for the rest of Ebilgames not getting updated? I blame lazy programmers. They're too busy updating the other games instead of bringing the world more Zorbak-related goodness.
Sir@gon asks: Is it true that Truffles is the only moglin that could fly?????
Nope. Twilly can fly too, provided you punt him hard enough.
Andrew the Knight Master asks: Who is better, Artix or Blackhawke?
If I have to choose one, I'll pick Artix... based solely on the fact that he signs my paychecks and therefore performs ONE usefull service.
Chiwawa asks: What is your favorite part of Frostaval?
When it ends.
Momentoscilence asks: what is your favorite necromancer ability?
I'd have to say the absolute control over the forces of Life and Death. Well, either that or the dental plan.
Thorn Fyrefoxtail asks: Why don't you just destroy everything, if you say your as powerful as you claim you are?
If I destroyed everything, there would be nothing left to rule. Plus, where would I keep my stuff?
Felici7799 asks: Hey ZorbaK, where did you get that staff?
It was hand-crafted from the wood of 1,000 different trees by blind Tibetan monks, and then capped with the skull of the last member of a now extinct race of demons from a different plane of existence. Oh yeah, and the monks were also insane, because there's no craftsmanship like blind, insane monk craftsmanship.
Blade g1 asks: What is the Manning of the Universe?
Peyton, or possibly Eli. I'm going to assume that Archie was before your time.
SonicBillyMays asks: Do you have a computer and if you do do you watch YouTube?
Of COURSE I have a computer! What, you think I live in a cave or something? Well, actually... sometimes I DO live in a cave. But it's a nice cave, and it has all the comforts of home, including a computer and WiFi access thankyouverymuch.
Kakoriko asks: Why don't you like anybody?
That's entirely untrue. I like at least two people. One of them is me. The other one isn't you.
Kirc Clock asks: How come the skull on the end of your staff has horns in adventure quest and hasn't in adventure quest worlds?
Whenever you notice something like that? A wizard did it.
6578 jd asks: Can I have 5 bucks?
Sure. And then if you can get 4 more, you can hitch them to a sleigh and deliver toys on Christmas Eve. Provided, of course, they learn to fly.
DDantePL asks: What would happen if you would be good and Twilly would be ebil?
The only way that could happen would be if some kind of evil parallel mirror Universe were involved... So I'd what would happen is that we'd both have goatees.
Beanieman112 asks: Where did you get that half destroyed, cheap cape from?
As we've already established, my staff was made by blind Tibetan monks. My cape, on the other hand, was woven from silk spun by 1,000 ebil silkworms on a cursed loom by deaf Tibetan nuns who live in the convent across the street from those monks.
And finally, 9999967 asks: Do you have a email?
Considering you emailed me this question, what do YOU think?
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That's it for another edition of Ask Zorbak: The only online column in the world where the most ebil Moglin Necromancer who ever lived takes time out of his busy schedule to answer your questions. If you have a question for a future issue, feel free to send it to Zorbak@Battleon.com or use the contact link located on the EbilGames.com site or at http://www.battleon.com/aq-AskZorbakForm.asp . And remember: if you're planning on sending me any heart-shaped messages this SnuggleFest, make sure they're still beating. I can always use the raw material... Meh heh heh!
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