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RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary

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3/17/2014 17:17:49   
Glais
Member

most likely
to be honest a lot of my old story wasn't exactly well thought out, so I wouldn't have been able to handle that when it came up

DF MQ  Post #: 201
3/21/2014 19:37:26   
Flamehead 12
Member

Greatstory! Prologue! aha alas I am not a writer, which is why I turn to images; each worth a thousand words.

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AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 202
3/30/2014 1:38:20   
Razen
Member

Well, I've got yet another segment out. We return to Veqwei and Vyrdae in the Skraeling. The segment gives some background to Vyrdae, so I imagine that should intrigue some of you readers(all of about two of you currently).
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 203
3/30/2014 5:50:28   
Glais
Member

excellent musical choice, hadn't considered a raining desert for scenery, very nice

i find it hilarious
spoiler:

im the only person up to this point who knew about that doomknight, and yet even then i forgot baout him until just now


nice little glimpse into Vyrdae's morals we see here

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DF MQ  Post #: 204
4/2/2014 22:56:59   
Sir Nicholas
Member

Well I've just read over the prologue. So far it's very interesting. I know very little of DragonFable's background lore, but I can recognize some of the stuff they're talking about.

I'm enjoying this so far. I'll definitely keep reading!
AQ  Post #: 205
4/3/2014 20:02:54   
Razen
Member

Oh, that's excellent, Sir Nicholas.

For DDL and Glai, I've added an Author's Amendment to Chapter 11 about Razen's appearance, and I've finished a short segment about Shaemin for Chapter 12.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 206
4/4/2014 11:37:56   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

"What is an exiled darkness elemental and water golem doing in my abode?"

It seems strange that Jagos would be able to identify someone as a exiled, especially since he hadn't come to the conclusion he was speaking to Vyrdae yet. As for the water golem, that seems equally strange and I can only justify it by saying that Jagos knows a lot.

quote:

Well, there was also the adventurer that Shaemin managed to blame in his stead, but he didn't really help matters much.

I'm not sure what you are referring to here.

quote:

His age in the business showed, but his age in the business had made him all the wiser to when danger's looming his way.

Firstly, I'd suggest replacing one of the two. Secondly, don't you mean "time" or "years" rather than age?

Now comes the most burning question on my mind. Why did Myodei not discuss that with the captain himself instead of sending him a note?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 207
4/4/2014 17:03:45   
Razen
Member

Well, I would say that that Jagos identified that the elemental did not have the condolences of the Darkness Lord, but he knew that it was an elemental. The water golem is leaning more on that Jagos knows more about Veqwei than one would think. He probably was able to hear a few things through Nalu who would probably know when an artifact of the Water Lord's was stolen among other things that were concurrent to that. Aside from those, he just knows. He ponders the secrets of the universe, so I expect him to know a lot.

As for the he, I was referring to the adventurer.

The repetition with the "age in the business" was intentional, but I suppose that time or years would be more apt terminology.

Now, why would Myodei go up to see the captain himself? It's the captain's quarters, geez. It'd be rude. Myodei also particularly didn't want to know anything about how Shaemin will deal with Razen, Miar, and Azaila as he wants to abstain himself from that as much as possible. The latter being the main and more serious reason. Myodei really doesn't like that he has to resort to letting unknown means deal with those who would oppose him, but he feels better keeping the ordeal off of his mind which a discussion would make more difficult than a letter in my eyes.

Edit: Also, it's been some time since you've last said if you've found a particular segment good or not. This begs me to ask how you feel about how the story's been going since Chapter 9 to current.

< Message edited by Razen -- 4/6/2014 22:43:19 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 208
7/7/2014 5:27:09   
Razen
Member

...Finally got the Talados segment down. It's probably not my best and is short, but I probably shouldn't be writing at midnight through to 4 A.M.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 209
7/7/2014 12:55:25   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

It is inconvenient to me for his continued imprisonment.

His continued imprisonment is inconvenient to me.(?)

quote:

Based on the contests of the cage, I assume that you have my associate.

contents

quote:

"Yes, I've already know the book in its entirety, so I do not need to keep it in my possession."

I

Reading the last line I can only say that I thought as much, though does this imply that Truth is canon in your story?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 210
7/7/2014 14:18:28   
Razen
Member

Okay, fixed the typos.

As for Truth being canon, I would say yes. Truth probably won't make any appearances though as I feel like The Dishonored Veldrin will be connecting itself to enough of AQ and DF's events. Not to mention that I wouldn't even really be sure of where to include Truth, so it becomes a matter of "I don't know."

As for Maelikar, I mean who else would be interested on theories about the modification of life through the use of Psionics?

< Message edited by Razen -- 7/7/2014 14:20:12 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 211
7/30/2014 8:39:41   
Elryn

Custodian (DF)


 Hmm... There is certainly a certain style and vocabulary to your manner of writing. *grins* Personally, I am hearing a deep, gruff voice, no clue whether it is old or young, as I am reading.

Pristine spelling so far although the... sentence structure in a few spots seems to tease my eye or feel odd. Some of these might be much more in the matter of personal affections. I do feel in some cases they flow better with the narrator's tone though. Either way, you shall be the judge of it.

quote:

continued to only get more frigid

continued only to turn more frigid

quote:

A light outline of five humanoid figures could be seen with the lamp's illumination

Hmm... Technically, there is nothing wrong with this sentence. *chuckles* But my mind is being picky and seeing within instead if with.

...And I need to flee for a bit.

Edit:

quote:

I suppose that you are right, if only we were never banished to begin with...

Although I tend to avoid correcting punctuation, because I am just as bad at that as everyone else, I distinctly remember that one must avoid putting a coma before ''if'' if at all possible. Depending on how you intend the dialogue of the individual here, a period or no punctuation at all might be more appropriate anyway.

quote:

I mean, if our supposed crime was more blatant like Izotz's

Here in can be done away with entirely most certainly.

quote:

for if I had stayed them

By this, does he mean in the situation where he would have stopped them or is it a typo?

quote:

I think that I'll throw in the towel over there now, if you don't mind.

If/coma thing once more.

quote:

singing so joyfully, now I've seen only pain and hate.

The part after the coma can stand well enough alone as its own sentence. Like: ''Now, I've seen only pain and hate.''

quote:

There will eventually be the business of getting our stolen work back, as you all know.

That coma should not be necessary.



< Message edited by Elryn -- 8/24/2014 20:42:13 >
AQ  Post #: 212
3/29/2015 17:58:30   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 I thought of something which bothered me about the last chapter. I wondered if I should mention it, but after contemplating it I see no reason not to.

quote:

"I understand," Myodei replied, "How did you or your organization come upon the imp for that matter?"

The eldest man answered, "The imp has been around for longer than I've been around. I never heard how it got here myself, so I would be lying if I said that I had the answer to what you ask.


In the chapters prior to this one you did a pretty good job of .... making your choices sound for the story. In the case of Talados however, I am not so sure. Would it really change anything to Myodei's quest if the imp had been held by anyone else? If we must say that the imp was captured by them, at least have an explanation as to why these Taladosian sorcerers had him in their possession and how Myodei knows that they did.

I hope to be proven wrong and read from you soon.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 213
3/29/2015 20:06:55   
Razen
Member

Well, I will say that it has been some time. Let us see if I can recall why I chose Talados exactly.

I know that it was in part to connect Dyjhal's book to the Taladosian Relics book and, therefore, to the creation of Carnax himself. As for Myodei's quest being changed, I'm not entirely sure if it would make a massive change for this, but it would mean vast changes in regards to what I had intended in Dyjhal handing over the book. This was a choice that to my memory was more so to connect to events in AQ. The imp's presence in Talados was, I think, meant to be that he had made a portal from Heck that led to Talados that pretty much put him into the hands of the Order of Change who had taken him because they had heard rumors of an elemental with the book on psionic life that they wanted. Myodei was meant to have presumed that the Taladosians still had the imp from the end of the last time that he was walking free on Lore.

I do apologize if I have forgotten a decent bit of the explanations now since it's been, quite frankly, far too long.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 214
6/20/2016 2:02:42   
Razen
Member

After a pretty lengthy absence, I think that I might work on this again as I've found an excellent piece of music for the post-finale.

I'll have to remind myself where I left off and check on if there's any new relevant info in DF or AQ before I write anything up though. The hiatus is rather unfortunate.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 215
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