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4/25/2015 16:45:30   
RpgLover25
Member
 

 hello eveyone um...i'm writing a fanfiction and i need your
advice and opinion on it so far http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=21963432
Post #: 1
4/25/2015 18:08:13   
Azan
Member

First of all, you definitely have a good starting point here. Your little introduction for context is good, I understood the situation immediately.

The first suggestion I would give is: put capital letters and punctuation where needed. It makes a story much more easy to read, and the easier it is, the more enjoyable! In dialogs, you could also bold the NPC's name. It's a bit long to do, yes, but it makes a clear distinction between the NPC's name and what they're saying.

I noticed a small mistake you made: for his first line of dialog, you named Lazarus "Lazurus".

As for the story itself, I like it so far. The way Ash and Aria act seems very credible to me. Looking forward to see what you write next and who this Lazarus person is, who he/she comes from and what sort of powers he/she has!

Keep writing! It's a good beginning you have!
Post #: 2
4/25/2015 21:53:28   
RpgLover25
Member
 

 how do you bold the npcs name?
Post #: 3
4/25/2015 23:42:43   
Azan
Member

Select your text and click the button "B" (in the menu, just above "Font Face"). Or you can do it manually, like this:
[b]text[/b]


< Message edited by Azan -- 4/25/2015 23:44:20 >
Post #: 4
4/26/2015 0:15:12   
RpgLover25
Member
 

 ok thanx! ^^
Post #: 5
4/26/2015 9:44:22   
Azan
Member

Your second addition is good so far! I liked it. Though it would be nice to see exactly how did Lazarus fight. Magic? Weapons? Something else?
Post #: 6
4/30/2015 21:37:27   
Azan
Member

Your third addition is nice! I like the way Mira speaks. Replying to a compliment by "thanks i get that a lot" totally sounds like something the DragonFable Hero would say.

I hope you plan on revealing more of Lazarus's backstory. I like it so far.

On another, maybe more down to earth note, I'll repeat the suggestion I made in my first comment in this thread: punctuation and capital letters would be a big plus to your story. It's good as-is, but it would be even nicer with proper punctuation.
Post #: 7
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