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Eukara Vox -> Issue 50 - Monster of a Date! (Bballman23) (2/1/2010 15:10:27)
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A Monster of a Date
by Bballman23
I breathe a sigh of relief as she walks away from the table. What have I gotten myself into? This date is a disaster in every way. First, there are the looks. Her beady black eyes have an unnerving glint as she stares unwaveringly across the table at me, breaking the look only when she darts her eyes around the restaurant. Short, unkempt hair sprouts from her head like needles on a cactus, and similar, although slightly thinner, hair covers the rest of her body. She wears a bright pink dress that hangs awkwardly on her lumpy figure, almost looking like it were blown crooked by the wind and never fixed. Her fingernails and teeth are long and razor-sharp, and I can't help but think that she would be more comfortable eating barehanded rather than with a fork and knife. Finally, her wide feet are jammed into high heels that make her walk precarious and unsteady - I watch her almost fall down as she enters the restaurant bathroom.
Now, I know, looks aren't everything. I could forgive all those things if she had a sparkling personality or a sharp wit, but no such luck: her manners are atrocious, her speech is rare and guttural, and her sense of humor is nonexistent. We do, at least, share an interest in Lore's beasts and monsters, although her interest is more scientific than mine (i.e., more living with them and less slaughtering for gold and experience). That's not enough to base a relationship on, however, so I make my decision: it's time to run for it.
I leap up from my seat and walk quickly to the front door of the restaurant. On my way out, I stop to say goodbye to each of my hydra waiter's heads and give them enough gold to cover my half of the dinner (I have some decency) before rushing out the door. Once outside, I make for Yulgar's Inn. The company there may be a little rough, but at least it doesn't have scary teeth and shifty eyes - or at least not usually.
While enjoying a tankard of root ale at Yulgar's, I reflect upon my miserable dating history. In my four-plus years on Lore, I've never had a successful date. They all seem like nice girls when others describe them, but without exception they have problems. Some seem determined to eat all the bread on Lore; others are perfectly fine until they claim to remember me slaying their mother and grandmother; and one particularly elegant lady was perfect until she put me to sleep and ate all my food. One would think that there's someone out there for me, even if all the female NPCs and Adventurers are taken. Maybe I need to change where I look, try to find the nice girls who visit the Guardian Tower rather than those who live in Darkovia and in the Frozen Northlands.
In the meantime, I need to find a date for SnuggleFest. Know anyone who wants to visit Battleon and spend time with one of the ten most successful journalists in town? Preferably someone without fur, but I'm not picky.
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