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gwoonjustin -> RE: A General death ~comments (6/1/2011 11:45:16)
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Hello there Nield!
Since you're so dilligent in checking out my work, I figured I'd pop in and have a look at yours! Don't get too excited now, you /will/ end up regretting this.
I'm in your position now, meaning that this is not the kind of writing I know all too much about, but I'll try my best to throw some helpful comments your way where I can.
quote:
The voice rang out. I opened my eyes and stood, to applause. Our Glorious Leader smiled. They continued;
What is They a reference to? If it's 'the voice' it should be 'It'. If not, then to what?
If it is indeed the voice, I recomment repeating 'the voice' rather than inserting 'it', for more clarity.
quote:
They dismissed me then and all the others in the chamber.
Sounds a bit strange to me this way. Consider:
They dismissed me and all the others in the chamber then. or:
Then they dismissed me and all the others in the chamber.
Just keep "me and all the others" together.
quote:
She said before turning her back and walked away.
before she turned her back and walked away
or:
before turning her back and walking away
quote:
Then I breathed my last breathes.
breaths
That was chapter one done.
Very interesting start. Tad confusing at parts, but as I've read in your comments, that's what you're aiming for.
One general comment I would have is try to watch the language you use.
quote:
We kept solemn faces until we had all exited, whence we broke out into grins and cheers, as I was hefted aloft arms and carried to the Hall of Celebration. There were many choruses of 'For he's a jolly good fellow' and the like.
Words like whence and even solemn seem a bit strange when they appear amidst a much more common usage of words, shall we say.
I'm not saying you should talk Shakespearian the whole time or never at all, just try and have it make sense. It's just a small thing here, and no revision is really needed, but just a general pointer.
Alright, so that's my comments for chapter one. Please let me know if you appreciate this kind of nitpicking. I'm from the old school L&L, where this was common practice, but if you prefer just general thoughts or anything like that, let me know and I'll stick to that.
At any rate, good luck in your writings!
PS: I see you quite fancy pink. We seem to have this in common. I have a pink backpack and a pink mobile phone:D
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