RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (Full Version)

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Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/28/2012 11:51:52)

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The Forgah, Grakma, and Creech were unknown to me prior to today.

Shame on you, Razen. I am planning to make at least a reference to two of the mentioned above. They are some of the "coolest" monsters in all of AQ.

The Forgah can only be fought at lower levels, I encountered it in Random Adventure.

The Grakma can only be fought if you become Warlic's hero during Hero's Heart Day Snugglefest.

The Creech can be encountered in Random Adventure.

The story has been moved to AE Crossover.

quote:

Tibattleonia

I have seen this name arise a couple of times now, may I ask what your source is?

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The demon motioned its red hot claws towards me, resulting in me fleeing moderately into the deeper recesses of the forest, in hopes that the Creech would be avenged by nearby brethren.

What are you trying to say here?

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I was able to reach the idea that I have no idea of where I am or how I got here, but I do know that more than likely I am out of range to be able to beckon for assistance via verbal means.

was, did, was

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This proves to be a massive drop to my morale

proved

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An Aquus

Pardon me, but isn't Aquus the name of a particular elemental? As in a unique person?

Anyway, nice chapter.

@lordkaho: Yes, I am having trouble with not mixing the two up.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/28/2012 12:14:15)

The Zairos/Zairo dilemma is actually kinda funny, now that you mention it, because me and Glai had realized this coincidence way sooner.

I'd say that Myodei and co.'s "unsealing" was more akin to a jail break, with Iskrema being a corrupt warden. But, we should see more on that in either Chapter 3 or 4.

I guess that great minds think alike, DD. [:D] By "fleeing moderately" I was meaning he only fled back a small distance. I'll reword it to such. For Tibattleonia, honestly...I was just randomly trying to guess the name of the Continent that Battleon, Falconreach, etc. are on, because I forgot its name(It isn't as though I didn't try to find it). Oh, you are right about Aquus. Silly me, I'll need to change it to Bubble Elemental.

I did actually encounter a Forgah before, but only once or twice. I don't recall any Creeches, and the Grakma's unique location would explain that.

Thanks for moving the story, by the way. Some things are out of my power, that happened to be among them.

Oh, right, fixed all of those errors. They were kinda to be expected, since I was up rather later than my norm for that part of this chapter.

Woo, that was quite a bit of commentary.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/28/2012 12:28:49)

@Razen: The continent is called ....

quote:

ORIGINAL: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=9242397&mpage=1&key=Temple%2CHope�

Falerin: Galrick son of Glenn, citizen of the Island Nation of Neld, I present you with one of Battleon's protectors, and denizen of Battleonia.


So that was the reason why I was rather surprised at the mention of tibattleonia.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/28/2012 12:30:08)

...I was so close. But, well, from my memory, Tibattleonia originates from Mechquest, in which it was a name for a city. I will go fix that though.



lordkaho -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/28/2012 13:09:01)

Oh. That clears it then. Shame on me for making the same mistake.

quote:

with Iskrema being a corrupt warden


Ah I see. It bothered me on why it was considered 'a bad decision'.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/28/2012 13:43:43)

Yes. Though, I would say that this likely is prior to whenever Iskrema(They could likely tell he was a tad unstable) was banished from the Plane of Ice. In fact, the livelihood of the Grakma should give a hint to some possible events occurring during this point in time for what I expect. AKA, the Ancient Light and Ice vs. Darkness and Fire War might make a few more cameos(The Adalon hunting down a Grakma counts as one).

Nonetheless, I finished off Chapter 2, and I'm about to introduce the first demon...and to be honest, I was originally planning on introducing another before this one. It should be rather obvious which one it is by this point, granted he hasn't been named yet.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/31/2012 1:52:06)

Update: Went back and added some links for past mentions of more specific things. Things like Wind Dragons won't get any links...and really Hydra probably shouldn't have either, but whatev's. Also changed Nahuatl's name to Veqwi, because I wanted to use a more original name.

Aside from that, I've added some onto Chapter 3. Zolkt's been introduced...so, enjoy, if you want.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/31/2012 4:32:40)

This speaking Willow sounds incredibly interesting. I may already have an idea of what it is ~_^
Pancivals can fly?
Assuming that bit about WillowShire and OakLore was a joke, given the vast distance :P

And yeah LK the Zairos/Zairo thing was an interesting coincidence. In fact long ago it was planned to be a plot point, but things have changed far too much now...



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/31/2012 8:19:36)

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Now came the question of figuring out which way is west

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Pondering on the potentially lethal technology of the Ulgathi and Gnomes won't help me in getting to Oaklore, or conclude which direction is west.

was

I thought that section was fairly enjoyable to read.

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The trees to my surprise did not abruptly dismantle themselves and commence to attack defenseless me, who would be unable to comprise a suitable bulwark in such a haste.

This reads a bit strange, here's what I would suggest.

The trees to my surprise did not abruptly dismantle themselves and commence to attack me relentlessly in my vulnerable position, as I would be unable to comprise a suitable bulwark in such haste (and thus be easy prey/pickings).
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I continued with a steadfast vigilance for my surroundings, in hopes that I would not alert the speaking tree.

of
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I circled around a few Willows and jumped over a tiny crevice

Something is missing here. Is this all there is to this sentence?

quote:

Speak now, later, or never, for I will not move, neither shall you, tell you answer my question sufficiently."

lest



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (12/31/2012 10:34:07)

@Glai: Oh boy how the times have changed since the old Suggestion Saga Collab. As to Pancivals "flying", no, more of the jumping that they and Ribalds have(I'm also remembering of the one in such manner or form having what looked like a short-range teleport, which is how Razen got where he is). About Willowshire, no, he was seriously thinking about it, because Razen's currently in between some of the mountains north of the Sandsea and West of SureWould/Maguswood Forest. And, you MIGHT have an idea who Zolkt is?

@DD: Fixed all of those wacky errors and added a bit from your suggestion.

Just to recap, there is Myodei, Veqwi(I changed Nahuatl's name), Ariyzi, and it would seem this Zolkt fellow.

Edit: Me and Glai solved what spawned the idea. The animation that I was thinking of is the Ribald/Pancival "Death" animation.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/1/2013 13:25:05)

Update: Added three more pieces to Chapter 3. We see a new perspective, and a return to the adventures of Zairos and Galvin.

Although, I added a tiny bit of "The Universe that Shouldn't Work"-like humor in Zairos' part. So, if you find it amusing, then I recommend "The Universe that Shouldn't Work". In the Sek-Duat part, there's a reference to a Song, if any of you know it.

The next part of this chapter should return to Razen, I'll likely end the chapter off with that.

Added the next part and ended the Chapter, I believe that the length of future Chapters will match that of Chapter 2 and 3.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/2/2013 6:32:59)

After reading the section on Sek-Duat, I cannot help but seeing him as Pegasus.

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After wondering on to the border of DoomWood

wandering

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Before me now was the undead infested forest of DoomWood, to the southeast lie Darkovia, another cursed vale, would seem that Battleonia has quite a problem with curses upon their forests.

Looking at the map of Dragonfable, I would conclude that southeast would be the Sandsea. Darkovia would be to the east. Northeast, if you enter the forest from the north on any other location than at the height of Moonridge. Of course, in my story Doomwood is just a part of Darkovia.

quote:

therefore a stealthy Wind Elf, such as myself

Up to this point, I had no idea I was reading about Zairos. Although I could have guessed as much when Doomwood came into play.

quote:

I joking said as I waved the bait in front of the Boveoxen's nostrils.

jokingly said/joked



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/2/2013 11:07:06)

Sek-Duat as Pegasus? Well, imagine Pegasus saying, "Oh my." Though, if one really wanted, they could easily why it being Sek-Duat III is important.

Fixed the grammatical errors, although if one were to enter DoomWood(Assuming that Moonridge became a city and prospered because of its position on a trade route), Zairos likely entered through where Moonridge is. And to the EAST is the Sandsea of any of Doomwood, and since Southeast of Moonridge is where there is "the fence", I would presume that Darkovia is over there logically. As for not knowing that it was Zairos, somewhat intentional.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/2/2013 12:40:13)

I always imagined the river to be the thing which separated* Doomwood and Darkovia. The fence actually bars the road which goes past Doomwood, which means it does not cross the river as the river is behind Moonridge or so the map says. Not to say that you cannot get to Darkovia if you were to take a turn to the left (east) coming from Moonridge, but by that logic it'd be to the east.

*Either by name, section or natural border.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/2/2013 12:46:11)

Well, confound it, I thought that I had it right. Directions without a single, cohesive map is rather though. It'd be wondrous to all the fanfictions if one of these cohesive maps could be made...



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/2/2013 13:28:42)

@Razen: That would be this. Of course, it was never completed and it hasn't seen any activity for some time.

Please note that certain things on the map of ArchMagus Orodalf like Deren's location are not completely accurate (it is even further east), but it is the best we currently have.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/3/2013 2:55:08)

quote:

"Of course, death is a viable option, if you wish it,"

Heh.
Also 0:06 because obviously I caught that.

Golden King song was nice, even if it wasn't in reference to another Golden King, heh.

Chapter in general was good stuff. Zolkt was cool.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/3/2013 3:02:04)

I had to spite all those times that the antagonists respond with "not really". As for the Golden King song, I suppose so, although Sek-Duat wears a lot of Gold(plus Golden has the same number of syllables as Crimson). As for D'Arby, nah, I was thinking more along the lines of the Abridged Series' voice for the "G'ewd!" To Zolkt being cool, well, he said he was the patience of stone...although, I'm thinking of changing the part with Zayn. Really debating if I want him to have Tourette's Syndrome.

Anyways, started some of Chapter 4: The Light at the End of the Tunnel. Introducing another new character to the mix and I'm finally getting to describe the Ancient Sandsea city before it turned to ruins.

Yeah, I'm going to retcon Zayn having Tourette's...I'll try to get around to rewriting that part and smoothing the whole scene out later today/tomorrow/whatever time alongside making updates and strides in Chapter 4.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/3/2013 3:20:37)

Well, it's not important which D'Arby, just that it's D'Arby :P That was just the only quick clip really.



Onyx Darkmatter -> RE: (Pre-DF/AQ) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/3/2013 22:48:10)

Eh, read up until the end of Chapter 2, will start reading on Chapter 3 tomorrow. =P

Also... ELEMENTALS! [:D]



lordkaho -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/4/2013 4:40:10)

quote:

Especially since I have this loaded one hundred sided die to fool the Stat Roller, so I took out the cheating tool and rolled it. It obviously landed a natural one hundred, utterly defying whatever the difficulty of the roll was.


Breaking the fourth wall? Never knew you would take the "immersion" route that LITERALLY. haha

I think I somehow got confused around Chapter 3, what with you switching to a first person narration. Wasn't the narrator Razen? Or was it really Zairos? I don't know, maybe I can't just take non-linear narratives very well, but the way you jump from a scene to a different scene in a single chapter makes it hard for me to follow.

But from what I gather, Sek Duat is building up to be a a major character here. Though I'm not surprised as you already expressed before how you liked him as your favorite villains.

quote:

Golden King song was nice, even if it wasn't in reference to another Golden King, heh.



Yeah, when I read the lyrics, at first it was a reference to YOUR Golden King.



Glais -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/4/2013 5:07:53)

Actually yeah I had a similar issue with LK, I couldn't tell who was narrating at certain points.

There probably won't be any crossovers between me and Razen's story, though if I remember right he'd suggested a small cameo later on ~_^



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/4/2013 11:33:20)

I would say that, that scene in particular was narrated by Zairos from him writing that bit(Razen's not much one for editing :P), since there's not really any other reliable source for the whole part. To the breaking of the fourth wall, to be honest, I wanted to slip some "UtSW" Humor, as it's being referred to now(since the UtSW is another one of my stories and uses that humor almost all the time), and I felt that in Zairos' scene there would be the most befitting. Aside from that, well, if you want, I can try to change the scene to third person.

As for the Golden King, as I'm certain that I had said prior, that song was a reference(To the Court of the Crimson King by King Crimson). And Golden was the only color/prefix that I could think of that was befitting to Sek-Duat and fit into the song with the same number of syllables as Crimson. If wish you find another suitable one, then be my guest. To Sek-Duat being a major character, all I will say is that in all honesty, what I'm planning with him is rather...already revealed to you. Just takes your eyes and a will to find it.

Although, I try to change scenes whenever I find it most appropriate, AKA not doing it in the middle of a sentence or in the midst of battle. Alongside the fact that...well, tons of things are happening that are relevant elsewhere.

...Anyways though, I'm actually in all honesty a tad stumped on describing the Nobles' District of the Ancient SandSea City. I've already described the hectic Market District, and the lavish Temple District(At least the outside of it), I've got plans for the Palace District at least.



Razen -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/5/2013 21:26:51)

Update: The Ancient SandSea part has received some edits, along with a few other parts(When the Adalon is introduced, I added some more detail on the Creeches' reaction). As well, the next perspective is finished, returning to Galvin, Illoz, and Rifroz fighting the Wind Dragon. If you could give your opinion on how I wrote out the fight scene, that'd be splendid...since I'm still rather inexperienced with them.

Oh, and if anyone's curious about the inspiration to the design of Rifroz's Daggers: Here you go.

I will state, for one part of this, I legitimately rolled a die on it. I'll let you guess which segment that was.

Also, currently, this Wind Dragon perspective segment is the longest with ~45(rounding up) lines worth of substance.



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: (Pre-DF) The Dishonored Veldrin Commentary (1/6/2013 7:36:16)

quote:

A elegant, royal yellow robed and hooded figure, a golden scarf wrapped <> inside of the high collar of his robes rode into the great city of the Sandsea, land of Sek-Duat III, mounted on a saddled Sunspike.

An, on the(?),

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Traveling merchants taking their eye to some Snapping Camel breeders' stocks for future trips to the harsh desert.

into/through(?)

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Before the effigies lie two temple tanks of water, for all to

I believe this sentence is incomplete.

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The silver wings of the Dragon stretched as its slate scales bite into the rock of the bottom of the grotto, with the scraping of its talons against the sandstone nearing closer towards them.

bit

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The bright green, with a small hint of blue, fire spawned from the throat of the immense reptilian<>

.

So a Wyrm? Not a Great Elemental Dragon, right?



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