Eukara Vox
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Conspiracy Corner: Luck
By Cow Face
Terrible misfortune has befallen me. The other day, as I was minding my own business, whistling a merry tune while making breakfast, I heard a strange rustling. Glancing over at the umbrella stand, I found that one had an odd bulge and was moving about restlessly. I had to duck under the ladder propped against the wall, which I was using to paint my cell, making it over to the umbrella. Upon opening it, a little, black cat jumped out. Recognizing this cat to be a probable piece of the great Cat Conspiracy, I quickly leapt out of the way. Right into the ladder, which fell on me; worse still, the paint can balanced on top fell into my golden horseshoe (an award from the Little Tykes Kindergarten Horseshoe Competition, which I won last year). This wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't smashed my only mirror. Very saddened at this mishap, I went back to cooking breakfast. Apparently my salt shaker's lid was loose, as when I poured it, it all fell into my eggs. Those were terrible eggs. That morning, though, was even worse than most of mine. This smacks of conspiracy.
Ladies, gentlemen, and gentlemonsters, I have never been a fan of Luck. I feel that it is far better to depend upon skill and intellect than the roll of a die.* In addition, this stance gives me carte blanche to claim every unlikely event which falls out in my favor as my own fault. Sure, my cue ball just bounced off of the ceiling fan, into a conveniently-stretched rubber band, shot out of said band onto my piano, rolled off of the keys onto an exercise trampoline, bounded from the trampoline back onto the table, slid from the table into the nine ball, which bumped off of all six rails and fell into the corner pocket. Because that's exactly what I intended.
I don't care to toot my own horn, as I prefer percussion instruments, but I have to admit that I have previously indicated that there is a sinister aspect to Luck. The so-called "Lucky Strikes" which are so highly praised by adventurers everywhere, are indicative of the amount of gold which the Leprechauns have just transported from your apparently bottomless pockets to their coffers. At that time, I advocated making sure that you avoid having any Luck whatsoever. My recent misfortune has only solidified that suggestion. It seems to me that, much like news, no luck is good luck. Even certain symbols of luck are seen as both a good and bad sign. Black cats? Bad! Unless you listen to a certain European king, who decided that they're actually good luck. Of course, this was to stop the mass felicide which was occurring at the time. Maybe he had a hand in the catspiracy... I digress. It would seem that no-one can agree on what's good and bad.
My theory** is that this is because there is no good luck, as previously stated. Beyond the evidence of the Lucky Strikes, let's look at what else Luck does. [Author's note: This is based on AdventureQuest, as that is the only AE game with which I have sufficient familiarity with the effects of Luck.]
- Luck increases the healing effect of potions. This, on face value, is good. Diving deeper presents a much darker story. While studying the Swamp Trogs, I observed one engaging in a shady deal with an Adventurer. After a brief exchange of words**** and probably gold, the Trog gave the adventurer a supply of potions. The adventurer in question noted, "If I drink too many, I get jittery." Following this deal, the adventurer headed on, in the direction of what was at the time a base of the notorious Zardmaster, whose real name I enjoy saying too much. For those of you who have ever attended a PA meeting (Potionholics Anonymous), you know the devastating effects of potion addiction. For the rest of you, the explanation is far too complicated for me to write here (or even understand); as such, just take my word for it. Which is exactly what the leader of the PA meeting said. Do you really want a stat which increases these effects? I know that I don't.
- Luck increases the ability to dodge attacks. Isn't that the purpose of Dexterity? I think that it is shameful for an adventurer (or Guardian, or pilot, or hero, or heroine) to depend on such a dishonorable technique. It is far more honorable to take the blows as they come, afterward dragging your broken and beaten body away from the fray in which you have just won an honorable Pyrrhic victory. Please note that is also honorable to lose the following fight to a treasure chest, as that merely shows that the chest fought bravely. On the other hand, treasure chests have trained Luck exclusively, so go ahead and viciously beat them senseless.
- Luck increases your initiative. While this isn't much of a problem per se, it's also not much of a boon. When playing chess (against someone called Deep Blue), I found that despite my choice of white, I still lost. And when have you ever seen a treasure chest win a battle? Okay, but it's not that often.
This brings me to my most important point of all. You simply must listen. This will rock the scientific community for years to come. I have found that mjzdfgafeij
dear reader i dont have much time the chests are here theyre here cannot type much longer blacking out rednonalcoholicbeverage
__________
* Even when rolling dice.
** And have you ever known me to make a theory on illogic and baseless generalizations?***
*** Don't answer that.
**** And blows
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