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RE: =OS= Dragons, Undead & Paladins... oh my! Character Suggestion Thread III

 
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5/17/2015 8:22:31   
Gorillo Titan
Member

My personal character Death Titan from AQW will used in the contest.


Death Titan began life in a terrible situation unable to speak and born with an unatural ability to control the dead from a young age his parents unable to handle him as they abandon him forcing him to raise himself. years pass till he became a teenage and came upon a mysterious moglin named kabroz who saw the young man's necromancy ability as far greater than that of any he had seen before. Years passed as kabroz training titan and another young moglin to control their powers. Titan surpassed the moglin's wildest imagination having reach a point that any creature he brought back from the dead still had the abilities they had before they died. On the eve of titans final test to become a full necromancer kabroz prasied him giving him the title of death titan do to his powers being greater than that of the god of death himself. The test went off with a hitch till kabroz decided to betray titan stealing his powers for himself and killing one of the apprentice and leaving titan barely alive and powerless. With the power of titan kabroz could easily destroy the world as he disappeared. Titan surprisingly survived and with the last of his power used it to bring back his only friend the moglin who was also an apprentice with him. Angered by this betrayal Death Titan vowed revenge against kabroz and would destroy any who got in his way.
Post #: 451
5/17/2015 9:04:17   
Blackshock
Member

I guess it's nice to have a detailed back story, but if you're gonna suggest it as a character on oversoul, I think you're gonna need some more descriptive statements in there since it's kinda hard to tell what the guy looks like based off your text. I guess since you're using your AQW character, it would help if you posted a link to a screenshot of him.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 452
5/17/2015 11:24:32   
Gorillo Titan
Member

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/fb.asp?m=21668465

@blackshock
Post #: 453
5/17/2015 12:58:28   
Blackshock
Member

Interesting concept I guess, though I do find it hard to take it seriously because on one hand, you have this dark and edgy "Back from the dead and out for vengeance" backstory and on the other hand you have a moglin riding off your back as a primary gimmick. I find that it kinda clashes internally a bit too much. That and the mask seems a bit anachronistic which kinda takes away from the seriousness.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 454
5/17/2015 23:47:57   
Gorillo Titan
Member

AQW has no deadmoglin capes.

The moglin is my voice I speak through it.

The mask is used as way to show my followers.
Post #: 455
5/18/2015 0:36:53   
The Jop
Member

Why does it have to be on your back though? There are undead moglin pets. And when did your entry mention followers?

< Message edited by The Jop -- 5/18/2015 0:37:20 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 456
5/18/2015 7:57:08   
Gorillo Titan
Member

I use the moglin on my back to speak through ventriloquism.

All the other characters I have shown with mask are part are my characters "army".


Death Titan lived in mystery not even his followers knew the reason he did most of the things he did. His face covered in his mask and the dead body of a moglin he brought back from the dead on his shoulders that spoke for him. His power with a sword unmatched by all, but mages from time to before being slain said another power within him could destroy the world, why doesn't he use this power his closes followers ask? Death Titan never gives a direct answer though only saying the words through his undead moglin companion “Kabroz will die”. Titan may come off as evil to those around him but his true motives have yet to be shown as he now travels the world building his army and selflessly helping any moglin he finds along the way.

I left out details doesn't need to be 100% my characters backstory which is he was born a mute becomes the apprentince of kabroz makes friend with his fellow moglin apprentince gets betrayed kabroz steals his power during a ritual that was suppose to awaken his true powers but was only a lie. With the last of his str he brough his moglin friend back since that was his only friend a speacial thing about Death titan powers is he can bring you back in a state with which you can still use your powers to 100%. Now angered by this titan travels around fighting anyone he finds a challenge with my first in command is a "angel" type creature which turns into a fire demon if left on earth to long I removed his wings in are battle and place a mask on his face which shows my followers but also contains a device to control them. unknown to me the angel is the son of a guardian angel of that species and has fallen to regain his son.

In comabat I use my sword to fight while my undead moglin can use his necromancer powers to aid me in battle. Kabroz has been missing for years so the search remain cold as titan looks for him.

< Message edited by Gorillo Titan -- 5/18/2015 8:31:49 >
Post #: 457
5/18/2015 10:48:13   
Blackshock
Member

I'm pretty sure ventriloquism means that it's still your voice, but you make it look like the puppet is the one that's talking. Something you can't do if you're mute. Anyway, technicalities aside I still really do think you need to work on your grammar because I honestly find some sentences kinda hard to properly comprehend. Anyway, I still find the choice of mask rather odd since it's a hockey mask and seems rather out of place in the current setting. One thing I do notice is that too much power play and a lot of random things that don't really form a coherent theme. There's the whole "OP-tier necromancy" thing, the whole thing with moglins, the hockey mask, the angel thingy. There really is just so much going on at once that it makes it hard to have one definite theme to your character. There's nothing wrong with going for multiple themes but if they aren't harmonized well with each other, then it just seems like a hodgepodge. That's just my opinion though, so I'm not really speaking for everyone else here.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 458
5/18/2015 17:21:47   
Gorillo Titan
Member

I'm not gonna do it haven't got a single positive response back more than likely gonna lose.

< Message edited by Gorillo Titan -- 5/18/2015 17:24:26 >
Post #: 459
5/18/2015 21:27:46   
The Jop
Member

@Gorillo
Well, it's pretty creative. You always have some good idea in your suggestions.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 460
5/19/2015 12:01:16   
Blackshock
Member

Giving up already? That's not the spirit. If you really wanna improve on your input then work on refining your overall idea.

An idea is like raw material, it's the core element behind a good character. With enough refinement you can take crude ore and forge it into steel. The point of asking for CC is to find out what exact parts of your entry need improvement on, not to fish out compliments on what's already good in it *though admittedly it's a nice bonus.*. Right now, again I will lay out exactly what you need improving on with your character in a bulleted list so if you really want to improve him, you can start there. Again I state, these are just my opinions so you're free to ignore them if you want to.

1. Improve your grammar. This is a fundamental basic. If you want to properly convey your written entry then you have to improve your sentence structure. Too many run on sentences. Know when to break up a sentence into two with a period or a comma so it doesn't run on for too long.

example

quote:

Death Titan began life in a terrible situation unable to speak and born with an unatural ability to control the dead from a young age his parents unable to handle him as they abandon him forcing him to raise himself


It would have been better off broken as:

quote:

Death Titan began life in a terrible situation unable to speak and born with an unatural ability to control the dead from a young age. His parents unable to handle him as they abandon him forcing him to raise himself


Next problem with this sentence is that it's written awkwardly. A few words here and there could improve the sentence flow like this

quote:

Death Titan began life in a terrible situation as he was unable to speak and was born with an unnatural ability to control the dead from a young age. His parents were unable to handle him and thus they abandoned him, forcing him to raise himself


It's basically the same idea, but now it's worded much better. Never underestimate how grammar can improve your work.

2. The way you introduced the elements of your character just seem a bit disjointed really since like I said before, there is too much going on. That or the things that do go on kind of clash with each other in the tone you're trying to set.

The initial background you set for your character has him be a being of OP necrotic potential who was betrayed by his master and is hell bent on revenge. A pretty dark tone you initially set. The problem here lies with the fact that apparently, moglins are an integral design trait of your character. This is where things get a bit iffy. Yes, there are moglins who dabble in necromancy, but the moglin you presented in your character page looks too cutesy.

You also said that your character travels the world helping any moglin you can find. It really clashes with your whole "hell bent on revenge to kill kabroz" line of motivation that you stated previously. Do you want to be this grim, dark, edgy harbinger of death or do you want to be a protector of moglins? It's hard to be both and be taken seriously. Either pick one, or find a way so that you can hit two birds with one stone for his motivation.

One other thing about your character's theme is his army. It just seems so random tbh. You never explained how exactly does he build his army. I guess I can assume that he uses his power to resurrect beings with their original power but didn't you also say that kabroz stole his power and that he used the last of it to bring back his moglin buddy? That's a story inconsistency right there. If it's done by those mind controlling masks, then you should have started by introducing the concept of the mind control masks first before you introduced the rest of your army. That way, you explain how his army is built, then you show an example of a person recruited that way. Introducing new ideas without clarifying important concepts just makes the reader more confused so it's best to clarify what's already there before you add in more stuff.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm leaving this here not to demean your attempts but so you'd know just what exactly it is you could work on. Again, this is just my own opinion so take it with a grain of salt. You have the ideas, but you lack the refinement. You still have a looong way to go, but that doesn't mean you won't get there if you work hard enough.

AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 461
6/27/2015 14:31:11   
Gorillo Titan
Member

AQW attempt at making GT for OS. https://twitter.com/Gorillo1/status/614861616849379328


This form is a vampire.
Post #: 462
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