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(DF) Bulls Eye Discussion Thread

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4/26/2013 20:47:33   
deatharrows
Member

Link to the story-------> Bulls Eye

This is the discussion thread for Bulls Eye. I wanted to make this ever since the NPC Deatharrows was made. However as you may know, I just canceled the EnTropical Tale story. So now I present Bulls Eye, the enthralling tale of a bounty hunter who travels around lore going on adventures. Discuss your opinion on it here. I'll publish an adventure every few days so stay tuned and remember to give your opinion as well as any typos you find. Also I have a lot more skill at writing then before so be prepared for a much better story.

< Message edited by deatharrows -- 4/26/2013 20:52:05 >
DF AQW  Post #: 1
4/26/2013 22:03:29   
The Odor
Member

I like the story but if I could come with some suggestions on formatting...
When someone says something you usually put it on the beginning of a new row to make it easier to read and you might also want to make the story into paragraphs. These are both really valuable in action scenes to make it flow a bit better.

(Much better! Now even my old eyes can keep up.)
I am looking forward to seeing more of Deatharrows Adventures throughout Lore.


< Message edited by The Odor -- 4/26/2013 22:29:51 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 2
4/28/2013 8:44:03   
deatharrows
Member

@The Odor, why thank you. I hope that the next adventures in this tale don't disappoint.
DF AQW  Post #: 3
4/28/2013 12:00:20   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 Wow! I am impressed! I think it's even better than your last story! A tad fast paced I think, but still very good! You've improved a lot.
DF  Post #: 4
4/30/2013 16:47:39   
deatharrows
Member

@Chaosweaver Amon, thanks! Also as for the being fast, I did notice it seemed a bit rushed. Anyway now it's time for chapter 2.
DF AQW  Post #: 5
4/30/2013 17:56:37   
deatharrows
Member

Ok I finished chapter 2. I warn you, it's not my best writing so it may not rival chapter 1, it is likely to have some typos, and it's very long. However it did set up the basis for all following chapters and let me introduce a sub plot which you can find at the end of the chapter. I'll probably bring this back up when it is most interesting and fitting to add in. It might be in a few chapters though because I don't want to waste this sub plot which could easily be added into an unexpected part much later and be much better than if I made this the basis for the next chapter. Anyway that's all. Have fun reading, feel free to criticize, ask questions, put typos, and have a good day or night depending on where you live!
DF AQW  Post #: 6
5/3/2013 0:09:14   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!


 My criticism may sound a tad confusing, so I apologize if you don't get what I'm trying to say.

At certain points, like in dialogue, it seems a bit too...pushed, too much information in a sense. For example; if you wrote "I went to the store" how I'm seeing it is you're putting "I went to the Grocery Store five miles down the road from where I live" I'm not saying stick with the bare minimum of detail, I just think at certain points it seems a tad over-elaborated. Get my drift?

It's not quite as good as your first chapter, I like how it's longer, yes, again; a little rushed, but I think it's a great improvement to your other story!

What I'm really looking forward to is if we'll see big ol' Momma spider later on.

< Message edited by Chaosweaver Amon -- 5/5/2013 22:28:03 >
DF  Post #: 7
5/5/2013 15:21:35   
deatharrows
Member

@Chaosweaver Amon thanks. Seriously thanks. I do understand that chapter two is very flawed as I mentioned but I didn't notice that issue. I appreciate your concern. Also the spider in the ending was a girl..... the dad was the one I killed and ate. Did you know giant spiders taste like chicken? True fact. But I digress. Anyway I promise to take your advice into mind and that chapter 3 will be much much better. Chapter 2 was kind of build up. It was essential for the story to go some where even though I still have no clear idea when I want it to end. Bassically now that essential piece of plot is over, I can now start to build up clues as to the real story, give pieces of backstory, and just have adventures. Basically the next chapters following chapter three which I intend to make today can go any way. I do want to give you one clue as to what I have planned for chapter 3. More characters and Deatharrows vs his greatest foe of all time..... raking leaves!!!!!! seriously. Trust me, it'll make sense once you read it. Anyway Deatharrows note, over. Time for me to face my own enemy.... homework.
DF AQW  Post #: 8
5/6/2013 7:37:49   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

Our tale starts in a town called crows paradise.

Crows' Paradise or Crow's Paradise?

quote:

In this town an event that will change the fate of lore for ever is about to occur.

forever

quote:

The houses were all like shacks, each being only just big enough to live in.

You mention the houses are "like" shacks, so what is the thing which differentiates them from being shacks?

quote:

The villagers were all forced to work so they weren't eaten alive by the wolves.

wouldn't be

quote:

This man had no name but he wore an eye patch on both eyes, a clock that covered everything but his eye's, and stood towering at 7 feet tall.

eyes

quote:

Bellow him on the town's food chain was his gang.

Below

quote:

They were all your stereo typical gang members, non being to gifted with weapons, having buck muscles, and being excessively abusive and prideful, using the threat of bringing there boss in or just beating them to force the villagers to do slave labor.

stereotypical, none, too, their

quote:

This man wore but a hat and some travelers robes.

traveler's

quote:

I've lived large and in charge, knowing every day that as the land increased in hero's questing for fame that one day I would be over thrown.

overthrown

quote:

The villagers then found the gang leaders body.

leader's

quote:

"Bulls Eye."

Bull's

quote:

And so began the tale of Deatharrows and his famous Bulls Eye death shot.

Bull's

Whatever happened to the wolves you mentioned?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 9
5/8/2013 19:12:48   
deatharrows
Member

OK I edited it. I was wondering when I would get a typo correction post. Anyway as for the wolves..... to be honest I forgot about them XD However if i remembered it, I would have done as I do with most other dangerous animals I fight in the series, and proceed to kill and eat them... or maybe just kill. Anyway that's all errors. I think I ought to go ahead and make chapter 3 now. I've been putting it off for way to long.
DF AQW  Post #: 10
5/12/2013 12:20:25   
deatharrows
Member

Chapter 3 is being delayed again simply because I don't want to screw it up and on my first attempt, I was almost done when I realized I had made garbage in word form. I'm going to try and perfect a method of making chapter 3 work before I finally post the end result as otherwise, it will rest assured fail. I promise it will be out sometime in the span of 1-22 days.
DF AQW  Post #: 11
6/22/2013 13:20:46   
deatharrows
Member

Sorry about not being on the forums and not updating this story in forever everyone. I've been pre occupied with other games, my personal life, and other such things. Now that i've had time to read a lot of other books i'm going to make chapter 3. Thanks for waiting and I'll post an update when I finish writing it.
DF AQW  Post #: 12
6/22/2013 14:48:09   
deatharrows
Member

Ok, chapter 3's out. Admittedly the speech was odd but the plot I believe I executed pretty well. I wanted to make the title a translation from a different language but nothing sounded right so I went with english. Despite the odd speech the plots good. Now feel free to read and enjoy as well as post your constructive criticism and flaws you notice such as typos.
DF AQW  Post #: 13
6/28/2013 12:48:15   
deatharrows
Member

I'm going to make a war story, but it will tie in to the story and maybe even hint at future events. Read closely and remember, I'm bad at codes.... it won't be that hard to find.
DF AQW  Post #: 14
6/30/2013 20:46:19   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

I like it Death, I vote for option A.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 15
7/6/2013 21:06:15   
deatharrows
Member

@Starsaber, you voted on the wrong thread...... Anyway I'm announcing plans for chapter 4. I want to incorporate a character that I saw in a minecraft mod. It was the creepy pasta mod and this character's over all weirdness and creepiness fits in perfectly with this story. The title of chapter 4 will say it all. Then I plan to get into a few story arcs. Just posting this to inform you guys on what's to come. Also please post the errors and your opinion on chapter 3. I'd appreciate it a lot.
DF AQW  Post #: 16
7/21/2013 10:18:52   
deatharrows
Member

Well BraeSirRobin showed me some typos so time to fix those and move onto chapter 4.
DF AQW  Post #: 17
7/21/2013 12:25:57   
BraveSirRobin
Member

I just read the next part,Night of the Rake.There were far fewer typos,and I like how it took a turn.I already am forming theories about the story.I can tell this will be an epic tale!
A few typos:

quote:

I'm trying to sleep said the man lying in a bed roll next to him.


I'm trying to sleep," said the man lying in a bed roll next to him.

quote:

forrest


forest.

quote:

definately


definitely.


quote:

Without further a due, let's begin.


Without further ado, let's begin.


Otherwise there was a spacing problem,'thereake', which should be the rake,but otherwise I liked it.Very well done.
Post #: 18
8/7/2013 13:33:12   
deatharrows
Member

Thanks for the help BraveSirRobin :) Anyway I'm wondering if I should rename that chapter, The Feral Rake since the story didn't take place during the night... I think I'm going to do that. Also starting chapter 5 and fixing typos.
DF AQW  Post #: 19
8/7/2013 14:46:23   
deatharrows
Member

And Chapter 5 is done. Again nothing perfect, slightly fast paced, slightly sloppy, and slightly over dramatic but as I've said before, I'm not perfect and no matter how much I try, I can't make anything perfect so just enjoy this chapter for what it is and please post typos and criticism on it if you don't mind. Thanks for reading and bye :)
DF AQW  Post #: 20
8/8/2013 23:24:03   
salene
Member

oooh! salene like! salene like's a lot! you have improved greatly and i can't wait to see more! more! and MORE!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 21
8/12/2013 12:53:12   
deatharrows
Member

thanks salene :) Anyway I'm go to start work on chapter 6 soon. Either today or some time this week. That's all for now. Also thanks for reading everyone who has or is currently reading this update and make sure to give any criticism, typos, or opinions you have about the story. All criticism, typos, and opinions are very helpful.
DF AQW  Post #: 22
9/1/2013 14:36:55   
deatharrows
Member

Just another update. I plan on continuing the story as soon as I get some comments... if any of you have been checking this thread for awhile then you probably know how long that takes at times.
DF AQW  Post #: 23
9/2/2013 20:56:12   
Chaosweaver Amon
Friendly!
quote:

"How long are you going to float up there and toy with me witch?"

"How long are you going to float up there and toy with me, witch?"

quote:

"I'm happy that your smart enough to realize that I'm not putting in an ounce of effort right now."


*You're

quote:

"Honestly you can't do a thing like that, your knives are easy to defflect, and arrows to disintegrate.


*Deflect

quote:

Then Esmerelda launched the orbs at Deatharrows. Deatharrows dashed for the hallway and took cover there as the orbs hit the wall and exploded.


Then Esmerelda launched the orbs at Deatharrows. He dashed for the hallway and took cover there as the orbs hit the wall and exploded.

I couldn't see any other grammatical mistakes that were worth correcting...but I liked this chapter, it had some nice story progress...
DF  Post #: 24
9/14/2013 10:14:55   
deatharrows
Member

Thanks for your opinion and mistakes noted Chaosweaver Amon. Anyway unfortunately I had a very busy night, and by that I meant playing halo for awhile so I missed the chance for a Friday the 13th special :( Sorry I let you down on that one guys. However luckily after waiting and planning for a month it's time for chapter 6! I'm going to get to work on it but... it may take some time as today is filled with things as well. I promise to get to work on it some time today though.
DF AQW  Post #: 25
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