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RE: =OS= Water Element Contest Discussion

 
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2/24/2014 2:06:16   
DidYouKnowThat
Member

@Neara: I think he meant quantity as in different people. lolol.

You did 1+ art suggestions, ok sure. But you're only 1 person. :/

Post #: 51
2/24/2014 2:13:03   
Neara
Member

@DidYouKnowThat

Oh ok, I just didn't want mine to be mistaken as backstory submissions and I thought I might be missing some way of indicating that.

I didn't put a lot of time in on backstory which is probably evident.

_____________________________

Juggernaut in OS
Post #: 52
2/24/2014 11:33:26   
Trollok!!!
Member

To the person who suggested Zack:

1. I really like where the story could go, particularly how the father tries to conceal his son's bracelets and thus, his newfound powers. Then there's also how the son needs to learn how to master the abilities. It's very similar to the movie "Frozen" (Dont' know if you've seen it but it's amazing) so there's definite story potential.

2. That being said, there could be some more elaboration. One of the strengths of your story is its concise nature but it's nice to have some more details; it sounds kind of plain that he chanced on a Water Elemental's destruction. Maybe it could have been struck and vaporized by lightning. But hearing it just be "destroyed" is rather plain. Details like that could be nice to fill in. Of course, tragic circumstances to delve more into the need for Zack to "learn to use" his powers would be nice as well. I see you mentioned his father, but what of his mother? Maybe he could have accidentally killed her, thus providing a more legitimate need for the father to try to hide his son's powers rather than simply feeling, "these bracelets must not allowed to be seen by public eyes!"

3. Not a huge issue but grammar and spelling could be checked; proper grammar makes it easier to understand the story being read. No one likes to have to pause every few sentences to work out the meaning of the story due to grammatical errors.


Again, don't get me wrong, I like the story and its potential especially because how it's so similar to a new favorite film of mine. But we all have room for improvement :)

< Message edited by Trollok!!! -- 2/24/2014 15:32:22 >
DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 53
2/24/2014 15:15:29   
Gorillo Titan
Member

Cool story creator of Zack reminds me of something I wrote on another websites except he used lightning. I agree thought maybe retype the story a little.
Post #: 54
2/24/2014 18:49:41   
Trollok!!!
Member

To the person who came up with Aquarius Apparatus, interesting style of telling the story. It's a refreshing change of pace seeing more of a dialogue as opposed to a wall of text. I have only one qualm with the story and that's with regards to the ending.

It's fitting Necrosis' character in the way he says there is more beauty in death. However, don't you find it kind of strange that a being that just chose to serve vitality would allow such a strange statement to go unnoticed? Aquarius claims to not want to fight for the Empire because of his respect for the beauty of life and death would bring about the destruction of this wonder. But then suddenly Necrosis sways him to his side, only to make a statement that would again turn Aquarius back against him.

The only explanations I can think of is this machine has got a couple of audio processing issues or maybe comprehension issues, or Necrosis has hoodwinked him with magic of some kind. And honestly, those explanations don't cut it either because: 1) If the machine had audio processing issues, they must be PRETTY selective considering it heard everything else. 2) If it has comprehension problems, they must be PRETTY selective as well considering it seemed to understand everything else. 3) If Necrosis hoodwinked it, what's the point of trying to even tempt it with the prospect of preserving life? Could use some elaboration here.


Just my two cents.
DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 55
2/24/2014 19:01:56   
Mondez
Member

@Trollok
It's still in the works I just needed to lay the baseline of the story for editing later. You can check back once the editing is done I just didn't have time to fully amass the story to its full potential due to a sibling requiring the computer when I was writing this.

Thanks for the insight and the explanation will be shown in the edited version.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 56
2/24/2014 19:08:06   
Trollok!!!
Member

No problem :). I look forward to your updated entry :D
DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 57
2/24/2014 19:22:59   
DidYouKnowThat
Member

@Mondez: I think yours is probably my favorite entry so far. Yours and Blackshock's are the best I've seen.



Post #: 58
2/24/2014 19:23:08   
Neara
Member

My forth entry is Here: Kelpie
Feed back or general opinions would be great!

Third: Basiliscus hydrolus
Second: Ostyanax
First: Scar The Nomadic Walrus
Post #: 59
2/24/2014 19:46:19   
Mondez
Member

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/fb.asp?m=21615901

Made the edits so the explanation should be satisfactory. A human with ideals would fight if he is called to fight. One cannot fight to protect his/her ideals if he/she is to sit on the sidelines. Every human in history has been swayed by speeches when called to fight. No matter if one is machine or animal, but when called by one with ideals and a vision, they will fight for that one regardless of differences in vision.

Also as you noticed I added a suggestion of a new card to create a tri-elemental deck and the name fits its effect plus I took into consideration of the balance it needed when I suggested it.

The audio compression issues if people want to know if they didn't notice is due to the difference for water supply. Mobius yes is water, but referring back to my Reijingu the Silent submission shows that the water that makes up the assassin aka hero is different than regular water. It's like using different gases for a car which causes it to not run as efficiently.

@Trollok
Thanks man, I'm actually hoping this to win one this time after suffering defeat last time, but I powered up in using different writing styles so my game plan is back up 200%!

< Message edited by Mondez -- 2/24/2014 20:09:47 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 60
2/24/2014 20:03:53   
Trollok!!!
Member

Nicely done Mondez; I think all the ends have been tied up :). All I can say now is good luck with the entry :D.
DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 61
2/24/2014 20:13:45   
DidYouKnowThat
Member

@Mondez: I think you got this Contest in the bag dude. . . .

My predictions -> Mondez will win for Backstory, and Blackshock for Art.

Loved the description and backstory. :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anywho, did anyone else put dialogue in their story? My Primal Waters character had some dialogue. . .and Mondez's has dialogue. . . anyone else? :o Just curious.
Post #: 62
2/24/2014 20:24:40   
Trollok!!!
Member

I'm rooting for TFP's entry. We need to take things less seriously and occasionally have a laugh. And the Super-Squirter is just the way to ensure this happens. All the other competition will be washed away mehehehe XD

< Message edited by Trollok!!! -- 2/24/2014 20:27:06 >
DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 63
2/24/2014 20:28:10   
DidYouKnowThat
Member

My Politician was for laughs. . though maybe not many noticed. :P
Post #: 64
2/24/2014 20:32:12   
Trollok!!!
Member

It was funny, don't get me wrong. It just didn't fit the water theme.
DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 65
2/24/2014 21:29:09   
DidYouKnowThat
Member

'Eeeeeey. TFP's entry made me think of April Fool's day . . .
Post #: 66
2/24/2014 21:36:57   
Soulweaver Zard
Banned


Mondez has a pretty nice entry, gotta give him that.

As for me, edited mine up a bit, anyone feedback and opinions are appreciated.
AQW Epic  Post #: 67
2/24/2014 22:12:35   
DidYouKnowThat
Member

My new entry, Soul Rift. . . .such cold humor. Heeheeeheeehe . .. . hee .. . :P
Post #: 68
2/25/2014 9:48:44   
UnderSoul
Member

I have to admit, with all these great entries even I'm having trouble rooting for mine!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 69
2/25/2014 21:18:01   
Zeuster
Member

Put up my reworked entry on Rorkan again, hopefully it can get back to the point the original story was.

Feedback would be nice to have

(Back from a hiatus as well so I may be a bit rusty at this whole writing thing.

< Message edited by Zeuster -- 2/25/2014 21:19:24 >
DF  Post #: 70
2/25/2014 21:47:24   
Neara
Member

My fifth entry is Here: Nephroterrian
As always feed back or general opinions would be great!

Forth: Kelpie
Third: Basiliscus hydrolus
Second: Ostyanax
First: Scar The Nomadic Walrus

< Message edited by Neara -- 2/25/2014 21:50:29 >
Post #: 71
2/25/2014 22:59:50   
Trollok!!!
Member

I'm not much of an artist so my comments aren't the best. All of your drawings are quite nice but if I had to choose a favorite, it would be the walrus since I like the concept more than anything.
DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 72
2/25/2014 23:26:51   
Neara
Member

Thanks Trollok, the walrus is my favorite as well

Oh and my Sixth entry is Here: Nautilus

Fifth: Nephroterrian
Forth: Kelpie
Third: Basiliscus hydrolus
Second: Ostyanax
First: Scar The Nomadic Walrus
Post #: 73
2/25/2014 23:58:59   
Gorillo Titan
Member

Could someone please give me feedback on my suggestions Coral Ninja and Captain Rheins?
Post #: 74
2/26/2014 10:11:15   
Trollok!!!
Member

^Feedback you want? Feedback I deliver!

For Captain Rheins:

The story is not bad (I particularly like the use of known Oversoul characters like Alpha Pirate and Quaztk) but it has some holes that could use patching up. There is one glaring thing: the relationship of Rheins and his father; if I understood your story correctly, Rheins had only just met his father for the first time when he negotiated a treaty with him...

quote:

finally was face to face with his father for the first time in his life


...and then you write he suddenly feels a surge of compassion for his father. I find that hard to swallow; such feelings need to be nurtured in some way and for two people who just met, I find it hard to believe Rheins would feel more compassionate with his father than his crew. Pirate crews were like family; they worked, lived, and died together. To say that his father who he had never met meant more to Rheins than his crew is a tad bit strange notwithstanding the fact that there is really no reason for Rheins to care about his father; the man was missing for the greater part of his life after all. It gets even stranger at the part where Rheins stabbed his father because if he really wanted a treasure map, he wouldn't have felt compassion for his father but more for what his father had to offer.

Which brings me to the second issue: the introduction of the "Three Treasures of Piece" with the une piece, dos piece, and tres piece. You're describing the plot of beginning to defeat the Alpha Pirate and then these three treasures make an appearance out of nowhere. What do they have to do with attacking the Alpha Pirate? They seem rather out of place and need a more proper introduction. Also, it was never mentioned until Rheins' father was dead that he actually possessed a map for the pieces. How could he have known his father had those maps? And the first treasure, the Sword of Dark Life isn't explained properly. We can assume it raises the dead since he uses it in the battle against the Alpha Pirate but again, a more proper introduction would be better. Another thing, how could he have mastered the powers of a sword that he simply pawned off his father; he should have spent some time bending it to his will. And then at the end, Rheins is killed and we never even discover what happens to the other two Treasures of Piece.

As always, grammar is also an important thing to consider since it makes the story easier to read; no one likes to pause every few sentences to discern the meaning of what was just read due to grammatical errors.


Just my two cents.

< Message edited by Trollok!!! -- 2/26/2014 10:31:15 >
DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 75
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