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6/25/2008 18:24:49   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


Hi,

I have been recoronated as AA, and am all back on the track of my looney-train.

Full Books (in process)/(to be some day, perhaps):
The Ronin's Quest- My greatest project at this point.

Short stories:
The Oddball and his Oddball
Boy on the Cliffs- Not realy done yet. Not sure whether I'll work on it more.

Other literary art:
On wisdom

You may see here that some works are still missing.
These will take lots of time to recreate in acceptable shape, because I was under the false impression the forum-version was identical to my own, causing lots of paragraphing to be missing.

Also, some italics for thought may be lost at this point, as they weren't marked with [ i][/ i] in my own version. Please do notify me.

Enjoy!

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 6/29/2008 6:34:07 >
AQ  Post #: 1
6/25/2008 20:14:16   
mastin2
Member

Nice to see ya approved! Oh, and don't worry: I'm reading RQ in my saved version. I was kinda relying on L&L having more downtime so that I could get more work done, but I guess I'll just have to make time for the other things I need to do later...I'm faaaaaaaaaaar overdue for work on this one!

I also hope to see you get other works of yours uploaded!

-The First Reply of this Thread is now owned by Mastin. To override this, you must pay the fee of $1,000,000,000,000 at the counter. Thank you very much!
Post #: 2
6/26/2008 13:43:25   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


I've put some more up, but I will only gradually return to my previous state of owning and having posted stories aplenty.

Once again, M2, take your time. Even if you'd never read it all, I'd just be glad you took the efford to try.

FF, I hope you don't mind I sent the newest chapter to Fabula already, but not to you. This should save you some work, at least. I just didn't want the both of you to give me a similar list, which would be a waste of time for all three of us. You're just one chapter behind, don't worry.
AQ  Post #: 3
6/26/2008 18:37:27   
mastin2
Member

(By the way, I do like the new avvy...it'll just take some getting used to...)

Proof that I'm reading follows! Like I said, I managed to get ALL of RQ that was uploaded at the time onto another forum for me to critique. Here it is!

quote:

to be my Lords wife, but when he found her to be a more capable fighter then spouse; he rejected
"my Lords" should be "my Lord's", and I'd make the semicolon should be a comma. Not to mention, then=than, in this case.

"to be my Lord's wife, but when he found her to be a more capable fighter than spouse, he rejected"

quote:

have been futile; as she was one of the most skilled
I'd make the semicolon a comma.

quote:

Since we cooperated so well we were often assigned to tasks
I'd put a comma after 'well'.

quote:

Though I’d mastered quite some cooking, I was facing
hmm...I think the wording needs to be altered here...

"Though I’d mastered quite some amount of cooking, I was facing"

Or something like that. As it is...it just doesn't seem to work so well.

quote:

the strength of my leg by standing up, and discovered miraculous progress in the healing of my leg. With this
A bit of a repetition, no? Just say 'it' instead of 'my leg' the second time.

quote:

With this boost of confidence I tried to climb a tree, looking for birds. Climbing, however, was
I'd put a comma after 'confidence'.

quote:

To my disappointment there were no eggs, but there were some small birds. At first they seemed
I'd put a comma after 'disappointment' and 'first'. Also, wouldn't he have heard the chirping far before anything else?

quote:

and the little birds had less-then-little beaks. The combination
'then' should be 'than'. Than=a comparison.

quote:

a swine lay bleeding on the ground. More disgusting then the blood
A bit convenient, no? Anyway, 'then' should be 'than'.

quote:

Well, at least it got the same death as its children, and now I should have plenty of food, I thought stoically. I realized
I checked; both versions are missing the italics right there.



< Message edited by mastin2 -- 6/26/2008 18:53:21 >
Post #: 4
6/27/2008 12:39:57   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


(I just couldn't resist it. If anyone feels the need to wildly protest, I might concider their opinions.)

Proof that I'm reading the comments follows(and: What is this suspicious forum you speak of. Reveal it to me at once!):

1: True, true, true and true. Bluntly copied.

2: Instead I removed the 'as'

3: Done

4: gained quite some cooking skills over the years

5: in its healing

6: Nope, I like it this way better.

7: Did the one after first.
It was a very soft chirping; like it says: Contently. Later they start shrieking.

8: I used to make that mistake a lot. I kinda got over it though, a bit. Fixed.

9: Can't he have a stroke of luck? He doesn't get them a lot, you know.
Fixed.

10: Thanks, fixed.
Please even notify me if it was in an earlier version but not in this one; makes my job a lot easier.

Thanks for all the work on it.*bows*

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 6/27/2008 12:40:24 >
AQ  Post #: 5
6/28/2008 20:19:22   
Firefly
Lore-ian


RQ Chapter 3:

quote:

trying to remove a sudden burst of aggression from my mind.

"in" might be better. Less bulky and therefore takes away from the more important words less.

quote:

The man turned around; an obscure reply to my questioning glare.

Semi-colons are used to separate two independent clauses. The second part isn't an independent clause that can stand alone as a sentence. So this semi-colon needs to be a dash.

quote:

and raised them to my face in a preparation for attack

Awkward. "...face, preparing to attack." or "face in the preparation of an attack." First suggestion is better, imo, but second is for if you really wanna keep the noun context.

quote:

Couldn’t they see a muscular build through the robe

I prefer "my" to help with the corelation of the sentence.

quote:

Or perhaps they chose to accept this, along with the sheath I still held sturdily in my right hand.

You can't exactly hold something sturdily. I think "steadily" is the word you're looking for.

quote:

I took the grip of the shimmering beauty I had thus far hidden from sight

Flows better if moved to the back of the sentence. "I took the grip of the shimmering beauty I had hidden from sight thus far"

quote:

A setting sun reflected from it right into the eyes of the madman that had spoken to me.

Eh, the "it" here seems weird in reading. And the phrasing seems off. Perhaps "reflected off the metal and right..." or something. You can replace the "and" with a comma if you prefer.

quote:

Upon seeing my blade, and judging its strength, as well as my ability to channel it

For the life of me, I have no idea why these commas are hanging around at all.

quote:

They sat down on the irregular pavement of this hamlet, and nodded to me, encouraging me to follow their example once again.

I think "nodded at" is better than "nodded to," personally.
The subject, verb, predicate thing here doesn't flow well with the other sentence before it. I'd rephrase and switch the ordering. "Sitting down on the irregular pavement of this hamlet, they nodded at me, encouraging me to follow their example once again."

quote:

When they started setting up the board again, I knew I was no longer the audience to their game

Don't repeat "again" from the previous sentence. "once more" works here fine.

quote:

I soon became adapted to their silence

Unnecessary word for an already wordy set of sentences.

quote:

I soon picked up on it, and grew eager to try.

I noticed that you're using a lot of commas before "and." It's unnecessary, and frankly, all the pausing is getting on my nerves.

'kay, I'm stopping at this paragraph for now. More later, once I reorient my own writing. Oh, and you can go butcher up the chapter. I've adressed Fabula and Argeus's critiques.

_____________________________

AQ  Post #: 6
6/29/2008 8:13:47   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


Ok, now that I read a certain Egyptian scene, its time for some Far Eastern work. Yes, I worked on your story before even looing at your comments for mine. I'm that cool.

1: Done reluctantly
2: Done
3: Took 1st suggestion.
4: I don't.
5: Done.
6: Agreed& done.
7: A setting sun reflected from its blade, right into the eyes of the madman that had spoken to me.
8: Neither do I. Annihalated.
9: I disagree.
10: Done
11: Done.
12: Done, but I feel sometimes slowing down is actually a good thing. Any in particular that distrubed you?

Thanks a lot, and I hope you'll be able to catch up on my amazing writing pase [/sarcasm].
AQ  Post #: 7
6/29/2008 15:04:17   
Firefly
Lore-ian


RQ Chapter 3 Continued:

quote:

Less then excited about waiting and observing the game for hours to come

"than" is used in comparisons. "then" is for indication of time.

quote:

I walked away, hoping they’d cave.

Huh? I think you meant "cave in"

quote:

In great despair, I ran back.

"great" is a D.E.A.D. word. One that writers should avoid in writing exposition. "despair" already means "great sadness" so it's unnecessary here. If you really wanna keep it, I suggest a synonym, like "enormous" or something. Though that doesn't work here too well either...

quote:

Scanning the surroundings for any sign of them, or any life for that matter

Unnecessary. Grammatically, the "any" would carry onto the second part without the need to restate it.

quote:

For a split second I doubted whether I should pick up the paper or turn around first

Comma after "second" Read aloud to determine where pauses go.

quote:

but then I drew my sword and made a swift half turn.

Flows better if you switch the order of those two words.

quote:

and greeted me with a smile so intense, I could not stop myself from returning it.

I'm not sure if "intense" is the right word. Doesn't give such a positive connotation. I think "sincere" or something would work better.
The comma is better as a "that", imo.

quote:

Wondering how she knew what I’d been doing the past half day

"half-day" needs a hyphen since it's a single word.

quote:

been doing the past half day, without even being there

*stabs the comma to death*

quote:

“They… I think they were going to teach me…

It seemed like he didn't trail off. Rather, she interrupted him. So the ellipses should be a dash instead of represent interruption.

quote:

“What could a man of your age and class possibly have left to learn,”

It's a rhetorical question, so you need a question mark at the end there.

quote:

For a moment I thought she might want to steal it.

Comma after "moment."
I think "wish" works better than "want" here. "want" is a bit... informal, and it clashed with the rest of the writing.

quote:

Looking at her rather saddening presence once again, a corpse to be, this thought quickly diluted in a pool of questions

I think these commas are better as dashes. Dashes highlight and emphasize things better than commas do.

quote:

“My child,” she said, “None of us know how to live.

Since you're putting a comma after "said," I assume that "none" doesn't start a new sentence. That means you shouldn't be capitalizing it!

quote:

The philosophers may answer your question, but they would be arrogant if they would believe to find truth.

Seems a bit weirdly worded here. I dunno what you're trying to say. Hmm. "The philosophers can answer your question, but they would be arrogant if they claim their responses to be the absolute truth." Something to that effect.

quote:

had caused earlier to my face. She stood silently, inspecting my face as if it was transparent

I think this is self-explanatory...

quote:

as if she saw straight into my thoughts.

"could see" is better. "saw" gives the connotation that it isn't some really strong feat.

quote:

I really came to think she was, when she bared yellow teeth, just as I concluded a chaotic stream of ponderings.

I think you meant "she could" Works better in conjunction with the previous sentence.
The rest of the sentence seems to have no corelation and makes no sense. I think you meant:
"I really came to think she could as she bared her yellow teeth just as I concluded a chaotic stream of ponderings." It still is hard to decipher, but it's a bit better. A full rephrasing is even better, but due to my own confusion, I cannot suggest one.

quote:

This will be my quest.

"That" seems to make more sense here.

I enjoyed this chapter more than the previous ones. May be that I've come to accept the exposition in your style. May be that Fabula already picked out some of the technicalities so less things to annoy the grammar-Nazi in me. The dialogue is still florid, but not as overly so as it used to be...

Comma problems are less problematic now. Storyline is cool. I think you still need to do more showing and less telling, regardless of technique. Also, elaborate. How did he arrive at the resolution of wanting to make that his quest? Also, describe the setting and characters more. I've got an overly active imagination so I can fill in the holes alright, but the average reader will still need more vivid images.

Basically, you need more detail to create stronger mood and believability. Otherwise, I liked this chapter.
AQ  Post #: 8
7/7/2008 14:10:23   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


13: I swear I got past that now. Just not when I wrote this. Done.
14: No, I didn't.
15: True, done.
16: See 15.
17:I added some stuff to make the repetition okay. I felt it sounded stupid to just remove:
quote:

Scanning the surroundings for any sign of them, or any life at all for that matter, I found a small piece of paper.

18: See 15.
19: No it doesn't.:P
20: I actually meant that here. It is a mysterious, almost spiritual smile.
21: See 15.
22: See 15.
23: Nope, he trailed off.
24:See 15.
25: See 15. No need to yell about it. Geez.
26: See 15. Bluntly copied.
27: See 15.
28: See 15. I'm not alternating the entire sentence though. Idunwanna!
29: Yes, but I like it this way better. My story, my loss, right.

Thanks. That's gonna be tough to improve, but worth improving on.

Thanks a lot for all this. It really is a great help! I'm curious to see what you'll think about chapter 4.
AQ  Post #: 9
7/8/2008 11:48:09   
Firefly
Lore-ian


quote:

Dazzling and dazing with malnutrition and thoughts of a caliber far beyond that which my philosophy indoctrination had ever resulted in

Er, it's rather hard to comprehend this sentence due to length and word choice. I suggest you change it entirely. But if you're unwilling to:
1. You can't really "dazzle" with malnutrition. I mean, d'you sparkle when you're hungry? The alliterature sounds good, but it has to make sense.
2. "that of which" or it makes no sense.
3. "philosophy" is a noun. Sounds like you're trying to use it as an adjective here, in which case, you want "philosophical"

quote:

assumed her to be like the men of her age group and village

Comma after "age," comma after "group" as well depending on whether you write with commas before "ands" in lists.

quote:

and turned around without even expecting a bidding of farewell.

The wordyness is going a little overboard.

quote:

When I tried to make my way back to the river, to find sea, I finally realized something conversations and thoughts had managed to push back into the depths of my mind.

"As" might fit better in this context.
Kill the first comma.
"find the sea" might fit more.
I wouldn't say that "back" is necessary here. It's getting rather wordy.

quote:

I quickly ran back to the small ally, where the woman still stood.

"alley"
*stabs the comma to death* If you want it to indicate pause, you can use a dash here instead. The comma doesn't work.

quote:

she simply gazed at the nothingness inside her own mind.

How the heck would be the ronin know this? Sure, he'll know she's not looking at anything in particular, but to know that she was /gazing at her own mind/? He's not psychic...

quote:

The look of composure on her face

There's no such thing as a "look of composure." i think you meant "the composed look"

quote:

The look of composure on her face, and the specific crane form

Kill the comma. The pause sounds very bad here.

quote:

this time one wondering about her Buddhists believes and the strength of her faith

"beliefs"

quote:

I pushed back yet another thought, this time one wondering about her Buddhists believes and the strength of her faith, and narrowed my view to the bricks before her feet

Too long of a sentence, esp. since that there's a semi-colon rather than full stop even after. Break it up at the bold. "...faith. I narrowed..."

quote:

A single glance over it was enough to fasten the pace of my heart to a dangerous level.

"fasten" means to tie up or buckle. The word you want is "quicken"

quote:

I dropped it and sprinting back to the stream

"sprinted"

quote:

never slowing my incredible pace until I finally reached the sea.

1. "incredible" sounds... childish.
2. Don't like the repetition of "pace"
"never slowing down until I finally reached the sea."

quote:

and laughing melancholically upon seeing my face on the sheet

Just letting you know, this means extreme sadness. Rather an oxymoron for a laugh to be so sad.

'kay, just that for now. I'll edit it to include the rest of the chapter in half an hour or something.

quote:

that I realized I had gone a full day without sleep, water, and food.

"or" would add a much larger impact.

quote:

I collapsed upon the fisherman, who hadn’t noticed my stealthy run

o.O He collapsed right on top of him? Seems more likely he'd collapse beside him...

quote:

Fear infected his vocal cords as he continued.

I would just say "voice." Simpler, more to the point, more accurate since the ronin can't see his vocal cords...

quote:

or even open my eyes, which drew themselves shut for some reason, resulted in utter failure.

Better to change those to commas into dashes to separate this part of the sentence from the abundant numbers of other comma stuff around.
Also, "drew" isn't a strong enough word. "snapped" maybe, to show how his eyes just /refuse/ to open?

quote:

When I woke up at least hours after this mystical happening

A rather weak and informal word choice that clashes with the rest of your writing. "occurance" would be better here.

quote:

I found out my passing out had somewhat diluted my perception of the event; I had been beaten up.

Change the first "out" to "that" or something.
I'd say that the semi-colon is better as a dash. Adds more impact and correlation to the sentence as opposed to the clunkiness of the semi-colon.

quote:

The fisherman sat where I had seen him sitting before I crashed down on him

This is a, um, rather poor way of phrasing it. "The fisherman lounged at where I had seen him sitting before I crashed down on him" or if you want something more different: "The fisherman sat in the same spot he had when I crashed down on him" ect.

quote:

and was exploiting the way moonlight seemed to give the creatures of the waters a false sense of confidence.

An "of the" statement is too bulky here. Just say "water creatures"

quote:

Finding out how serious the bruises were by investigating them with my right hand, made me growl in agony before continuing

Kill the comma, grammatically. But I think a full rephrasing is in order because it currently flows badly. "I growled upon finding how the serious the bruises were by investigating them with my right hand."

quote:

Finally he spoke.

Comma after "finally"

quote:

to fall into a river of tears of a different type; shed by the clouds rather than by a human being.

The semi-colon should be a dash (or a comma, but a dash is better here to highlight stuff). The second part lacks a subject, which means it isn't an independent clause. Semi-colons can only separate independent clauses.

quote:

He cursed when the group of Biwa trout he had been eying on fled from the transparent drop’s landing in an abundance of transparent drops.

I don't see the reason for the "on" You eye something, you don't eye on something.
"drops"
Er, the repetition is B.A.D. Try: "fled from the abundant numbers of (descending?) transparent drops." "fled from the transparent drops landing abundantly." or something.

quote:

I was limited to asking: “Why would you do that?”

Just noting that you don't always have to punctuate that with a colon. You can do it with a comma (nothing else changes) for some variation.

quote:

It took effort to be civil

"took an effort" sounds better here.

quote:

now he turned his back on me, and further muffled his voice as he replied

I personally would take out the comma there. The pausing doesn't sound right.

quote:

I could just abandon you right now if you didn’t start showing a little respect.

It's speech. It's happening /right now/. The previous sentence was in present tense. In other words, this is better in present tense. "I can just abandon you right now if you don’t start showing a little respect."

quote:

At the end of his little speech more tears deserted his eyes, to enhance the flow of the river

Comma misplaced. Take out the current comma and add a comma after "speech"

quote:

he said, seemingly ignoring my question,

"seemingly" doesn't flow here. "seeming to" is better.
Hmm, to me, the two parts of the dialogue before and after the speech tag sound like two sentences, not a single one. I think the comma in the end there should be a period then.

quote:

Since you seem to have choose to be a friend,

"chosen"

quote:

why don't you finally show yourself so that I can decide if I want you be my student,

Since it's technically a suggestion, you need a question mark at the end there.

quote:

my self-confidence fueled by his submission.

It's more general confidence rather than self-confidence here, imo.

quote:

was the only response suited when the fisherman turned around and showed me his face.

"suitable" is the form of the word you're looking for here.

quote:

You especially, because you are so strong.

This seems like a rather, bland, way of putting it. "because of your strength," maybe? Or at least take out the "so"

'kay. Finished. I'm still pining for more description. The setting I can fill out in my head, but I still want some character description. However, you've improved greatly on the dialogue and the metaphors.

< Message edited by Firefly -- 7/8/2008 12:43:46 >
AQ  Post #: 10
11/11/2008 15:23:46   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


Hi there people!

Whazzup?

Well, it's time for an announcement.

Due to school work, my lack of both inspiration and desire to write, and my desire to educate myself quitte drastically in the field of philosophy, I shall remain inactive for an extended period of time.

I'm doing ok, please don't take this as a reason for concern.

What this is basically is what I've been like on here for the last couple of months, but more official.

Thanks everyone who helped me in my writings! It has certainly not been wasted efford, and this is definitely not me quiting literary activities or the wonderful place that is L&L. However, when (and if) I shall return I do not yet know for sure, though I do like this place a lot and would like to be as active again one day as I was some time ago.

Goodbye, for now.

(All of my threads shall be closed indefinately. PM, if you wish, but fret not I beg of you)
AQ  Post #: 11
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