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4/22/2010 17:04:18   
superjars
Member

Here's a link to my poetry.

Enjoy!

< Message edited by superjars -- 4/22/2010 17:05:50 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
4/29/2010 16:11:40   
superjars
Member

New poem: The Essence of Art.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
5/21/2010 10:32:12   
superjars
Member

New untitled poem that I wrote late last night. Man, I need sleep...
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
5/27/2010 10:44:32   
Remington
Member

some of my better work comes from insomnia as well XD
i liked your first poem, and the second one was decent-i didn't like it as a poem (personally i like the basic rhyming peotry), but i did find some good meaning in it. I hope you continue your work: I'm interested in seeing more.

_____________________________

Lord Rao Holythorne the Wolfheart.
Hellsingr
http://www.reddit.com/r/AQW/
http://eternalarmy.webs.com/
AQ  Post #: 4
5/28/2010 9:17:28   
superjars
Member

Hey Remington. I will definitely be continuing my poetry, whenever I find inspiration in between my prose and RPing. I'll have to return the favor and take a look at your works. :D
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 5
5/28/2010 14:27:15   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello. =)

From the three poems you've got up currently, I like the last one the best. The opening line had really captivating imagery and eventhough short, the piece delivered emotion and mood to me quite efficiently.

The first one also holds together brilliantly, and it has good imagery. I understood that the commas on each line are for rhythm, am I right? My reaction to that was mixed, I do get it, and on one hand do not want to start ranting about any changes, and then on the other hand it started to feel a tad choppy. What I mean is that I started to wonder if a line like this
quote:

The rushing wind, my only friend.

would flow better with
quote:

The rushing wind is my only friend.

But then, again, that would set the line apart from the rest. Heh, just trying to type out my thoughts here as I read it, I'm not saying that your poem would need any adjustments.

The Essence of Art was an interesting read, as I found myself disagreeing with some of the thoughts presented there. Which is good, because poems that provoke thought are needed, even when the reader disagrees. =P I have no claims against the style of writing for the poem, I just purrsonally read some lines a tad awkwardly based on my own experiences/style in writing poems. As the poem moved from Imagine to Believe and I came to the line "Remain positive throughout " I was somewhat distracted as a heap (not all by any means!) of my own scribbling come from so dark places that getting those written down actually requires negativity and sheer doubt towards the whole process of creating them or they'll lose their force. So, that's what I meant by disagreeing. But it's a beautiful poem on art, nonetheless. =)

This is slighty nit-pickerish, but in the stanza on Act:
quote:

Use them to make the image
You create in your mind,

you use present tense with 'create' although the creation of the image happened prior to this stanza and thus I thought that maybe the past tense, 'created', would be more logical.
Your call, of course.
DF  Post #: 6
5/28/2010 14:32:27   
Shreder
Member

Not to just come in and be contradictory, but I personally like the line:

quote:

The rushing wind, my only friend.


The way it it. This is because adding an "is" would give it nine syllables, which throws off the rhythm of stressed and unstressed beats. Just my two cents.
DF MQ  Post #: 7
5/28/2010 14:41:04   
superjars
Member

I was hoping to portray a sense of slow decay and solitude in that poem, which is why I went with the comma breaks, so that one could sigh in between those two parts of the line, creating a space to reflect on loss and disaster. I was going for the repetition of the line to bring you back to that place each time.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
5/31/2010 21:58:41   
Remington
Member

i agree with shreder and remembering thinking the same thing, but i'm a terrible poet, more or less. i think you may want to take a second look at that last poem though: i would reword it with some words that convey more...night timeness...or something. a word that came to mind when i was reading it was encroaching, but...i'm not sure how well that would fit in a poem, it's not a very pretty word.

_____________________________

Lord Rao Holythorne the Wolfheart.
Hellsingr
http://www.reddit.com/r/AQW/
http://eternalarmy.webs.com/
AQ  Post #: 9
6/8/2010 12:39:05   
superjars
Member

Here's another poem, Drifting again written when I'm semi-tired and a little depressed (probably mostly because I'm tired... I always think too much when I'm tired...) Anyway, enjoy and leave any comments you have :D
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 10
6/8/2010 12:48:10   
Shreder
Member

I like it! Just one completely stylistic suggestion:

quote:

Finding the drive to move on
And I am clinging.


When I read these two lines, it seemed to me that "finding the drive" implied that the speaker had, in fact, found the drive, but the next line contradicts that, saying he/she is still clinging, which would mean that they have not yet found the drive to move on. Perhaps you would consider changing that first line to something like: "Searching for the drive to move on."
DF MQ  Post #: 11
6/8/2010 13:07:19   
superjars
Member

Hmmm...
Thanks for the comment. I agree that 'Finding' doesn't fit with the theme of the poem, but 'Searching for' seems too clunky. I'll use it until I think of a better alternative :D
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 12
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