Elryn
Custodian (DF)
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*chuckles* Faster than I may review them. Here are the next chapters:
quote:
“We are heading for a camp filled with Truphma.
Mayhap more of a personal thing, but I would say to would be better.
quote:
He hoped it was the latter
I am fairly certain you meant former. Latter refers to the one closer behind, former is the one further behind.
quote:
The many trees still lacked the vibrant buds they would sprout near the start of spring, some even had yet to sprout the green leaves that inspired the forrest's name.
This sentence has two typoes and is a bit unclear
quote:
a golden sun releasing it's light to all, at the edge gold and bronze.
Its.
quote:
Kor looked back further and saw what she was preparing to fight, a Truphma wielding a large knife.
Replace the coma with a colon.
quote:
Kor found himself standing in on the beach he just left.
Remove the ''in'', there is no need for it. Add ''had'' between he and just. As he left the beach further back in the past then when he found himself there again, the tense must indicate so.
quote:
The temple of hope stood over the white sands as an army the likes of which he has not seen in a long time.
For the same reason as the previous one, replace has by had. A verb (i.e. was invading) is also missing at the end since currently, the temple of hope is being compared to an army.
quote:
It was that day oh so long ago, one that changed much of Lore irreversibly: the day Ryuusie became Omega.
Replace the coma with a period or a semicolon. Ryuusei typo.
quote:
A cry from towards the Portal that he did not recall snapped him out of his flashback.
Bold word unneeded. The second is likely more of personal preference: I use forgotten instead of recall as it is more a matter of forgetting than remembering.
quote:
The same look of rage that Kor himself felt at that moment covered her face
The wording here needs a bit of work. Kor either felt the same rage or displayed the same look as she did, but a look cannot be felt in the way it is termed here.
quote:
The only thing that kept it from losing the instant she struck back was it's blank stare
Its.
quote:
It inched it's way to the girl's chest, and it's owner continued staring at her with the blank determination that it wore since they met.
Its.
quote:
Even with the extra strenght it failed to slay her foe.
Strength.
quote:
The humanity this creature had diminished in yet another's eye.
In her eyes yet again? I am not certain what exactly is meant here. It is a tad confusing.
quote:
It looked down at the oozing wound with the same face as it had during the whole battle.
Had had and remove the as. It is further back in the past.
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The rage it had was unleashing was doing nothing for it’s accuracy fortunately for her.
Its
quote:
Rinia was sure if she moved in for another blow a counterattack awaited.
Add that between sure and if.
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Kor had created a timeline of it’s own merit, one worthy of preserving.
Its
quote:
Only more trouble awaits if ‘ou keep on fighting for only a few timeline’s preservation!”
Timelines'
quote:
and the Dragon of Time who held it's Hourglass
Its
quote:
Her foe had lost it's weapon in the water and was trying to get away from her for a chance to regain it's composure and weapon.
Its
quote:
The same light that Kor vanished into.
Had vanished.
quote:
Her face had turned a bright red as walked up to Kor.
She walked.
quote:
Kor said as he stopped
Perhaps a more personal note. I would suggest replacing as he stopped by ''pausing''.
quote:
A stare of scrutiny formed on the girls face
Girl's.
quote:
he trailed off as he thought back to the events that changed his, and many others, life.
Others'.
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Nothing new, nothing original, the dogma of the Truphma
Period at the end of the sentence.
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The events that lead to him running were turning into a murky haze in his mind, from both just how long it feels like it's been and from his distractions on this timeline.
Switch around from and both. The tenses mix afterwards as well. It should be ''it felt like it had been''.
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He couldn't tell her about that, not now not ever.
Split into two sentences. Add a coma after not now.
quote:
but I must have overshot the hour and minute huh?
Coma before huh.
That looks like everything. *scratches his chin* That was an interesting read and curious revelation about Kor's past. Smashing.
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