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Moving at Last: The Epic of the Qingslayer Comment Thread

 
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9/10/2008 23:57:43   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

After a great deal of coaxing and encouraging from friends *me patpats Firefly*, I have decided to finally submit the Qingslayer to CW, and the fact that it hasn't gotten locked and/or deleted while in CW over the past few weeks means that it hasn't broken any rules as of now. So, I hope that this move itself is legal as well. So... for those who haven't read my work in its previous state, I hope you guys could come by and share a cup of tea over a lesson of (a little twisted though) History of China.

The Epic of the Qingslayer


Story Summary: The sovereign of Tai Qing, Emperor Qianlong (or call him Aixin Jialou Hungli, if you'd fancy) had ordered the execution of one of the Ten Great Generals, General Han Xin, Marquess of Huaiyin, followed by all of his family members. His sole mistake, however, was to leave one single survivor, the general's foster son, Han Zhong. The boy, whose vengeance and sheer talents later won him a degree off the famed military academy of the universe, the Vladivoskovy Institute, was now back for vengeance. But will the will of a single man be able to subdue a hundred-million strong army of an empire at its peak of prosperity?

Disclaimer:

- All Chinese characters are linked with real historical characters. That means there is a Qianlong and a Han Xin in real life, duh.

- The behavior/personality of the said characters are adjusted so that they matches that of the real life personalities in most part. (For example, Han Xin is highly loyal, yet somehow calculating, Yueh Fei is extremely brilliant, noble, but (Please Chinese people, pardon me for this judgement) foolishly loyal to the crown, and Bai Kai is a bloodthirsty taskmaster.) The only exception is Emperor Qianlong, whose personality was not based on the real Qianlong, but rather the amalgram of the virtues and vices of most founding Chinese emperors. So, Qianlong in this story is, put in another way, the personification of all great Chinese emperors who won the crown by the sword.

- This story contains cameos and references to other stories, characters and universes, including but not restricted to:
+ Megaman Battle Network (Lan, Megaman, Mayl and Roll)
+ Fire Emblem (Lord Elbert, Marcus and Harken) *blink blink* [/R0de0b0y bait]
+ DotA Allstars Warcraft III map mod (Magina the Antimage and Purist Thunderwrath the Omniknight)
+ Wuxia (Yang Guo, Fong Saiyuk, among others)
+ As well as other fantasy staples.

- A video game engine is embedded in the wording of this story. Let Crimzon speak on my behalf...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crimzon

Sounds like an RPG tutorial


Now that I have got then the story in, please read, enjoy, and see that little button at the top of the page that says "Post Reply"? Click click!

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 9/11/2008 0:03:15 >
DF  Post #: 1
9/11/2008 5:30:50   
Crimzon5
Member

Heh, glad to see your experiment here. ANyways... how is sounding like an RPG tutorial bad? I mean, well, the character was in an RPG-system training.

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 2
9/12/2008 3:14:12   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Welll, what MAYBE bad is not that the RPG sounding was bad for a training. It was because that notion of RPG spreads throughout the story. Read the next chapter and you'd know.

Anyway, what have we here? The next chapter!

- Finally, a chapter with almot no Chinese stuff! Easy to understand and all...

- Character formation:
+ Megina = Megaman.EXE + Magina. Magekiller is simply a paraphrasing of Antimage. The buster belongs to Megaman, the blade is Magina's.
+ Aera Thunderroll = Aera (Swordcraft Story) + Purist Thunderwrath + Roll. Purist carries a Lordaeron Paladin hammer and tome, so does Aera. Omnimaiden = Omniknight + maiden. Also, the "heal ally and damages all enemies around" is a VERY annoying move that Purist always pull out, and yes it can kill sometimes, if you are not careful. The main difference is Purist is a STRENGTH hero who looks rather like a total musclehead and has to carry an Arcane Ring just to maintain a feasible level of mana, while Roll...

- Fire Emblem Reference out for real! (Hey, R0de0, where are you? Come and get it!) However, if a Lyn/Eirika fanboy would want to find something related to the those two beauties, sorry. My reference has to do with...

spoiler:

A lord who is now dead, a Jaigan, and a prepromoted. Also an object most FE players would value a LOT in the last chapters.


It doesn't affect the mainline Fire Emblem story though.

[/r0de0b0y bait]
DF  Post #: 3
9/13/2008 13:56:50   
r0de0b0y
Member

Sorry it took so long. I was sick...actually, I still am. I'm locked in my room, typing this in my Wii as I lie bon my bed. The room won't stop spinning, but...I'm AMAZED.

The prologue was a bit of a turn-off, but I finished the 1st chapter. It was only a matter of time before you combined video games and Chinese history. And you're actually pulling the RPG thing off quite well. Sounds like a mix of AQ, FE, Final Fantasy, and WoW. I'll be sure to read more after a nap.

And I didn't see anything Fire Emblem-y, rather, I was reminded of the 47th training room from Crisis Core.
AQ DF  Post #: 4
9/13/2008 20:22:00   
Firefly
Lore-ian


quote:

I have decided to finally submit the Qingslayer to CW, and the fact that it hasn't gotten locked and/or deleted while in CW over the past few weeks means that it hasn't broken any rules as of now.

I think you mean WA. *runs off laughing*

This is more of a reminder to myself, more than anything, to honour my promise to read this. I'd say more, but my hands are hurting from writing 4000 words today. I plan on writing at least a thousand more once they don't feel like they're gonna fall off... Maybe I'll read later just to calm my hands...

Oh, and get better, RB. *snuggles and offers coffee (hey, I think you're old enough for it. =P)*
AQ  Post #: 5
9/14/2008 20:02:29   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Well, that chapter was 5400 words... and done in one day *me runs off laughing*

Anyway, it seem that I'd have to deal with Mr. Andrew Gary Hughes the Scary Evil Marketing Overlord before I could pull off such a killing again, so maybe that record wouldn't go on for this week.

Hope you get well soon, r0de0, I'd need some audience. And BTW, as I said before,

spoiler:

The FE part is about Lord Elbert, Harken and Marcus, as well as an Earth Seal that is going to be a plot device.


Sorry, no Lyn or Eirika.

P.S. Purist Thunderwrath and Magina don't come from WoW. They come from DotA Allstars by Icefrog and Eul.

DF  Post #: 6
9/18/2008 21:15:21   
r0de0b0y
Member

I said the RPG system reminded me of WoW. The Earth seal sounds cool, but there are much more choices of non-main characters you could use. I love theives, they always get the best backstories for some reason. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Matthew turned out to be a spy, Legault is a former Fang, Sothe gets his own friggen game, Rennac is the spoiled princess'es lackey, and Volke...he's Altair and Auron rolled into one.

Anyway, I read half of the next chapter. But I'm on cough medicaton, so I'm slightly drowsy and can't think straight. When the medicine does it's magic I'll finish the rest. KTHNXBAI
AQ DF  Post #: 7
9/18/2008 22:20:41   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

You appear to be in a really bad shape, r0de0. Normally a cough shouldn't last more than a week and a half i.e. 10 days. Are you seeing a doctor soon?
DF  Post #: 8
9/19/2008 20:00:11   
r0de0b0y
Member

Actually, it was a runny nose, then sneezing, then coughing. Thanks for worrying, but I'll be back on my feet
AQ DF  Post #: 9
9/24/2008 1:00:42   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

A new notice on character name: After a check with Wikipedia, I have (in upcoming plans) decided to rename two of my characters.

Dang Guofen -> Zhen Guofen
Bai Kai -> Bai Qi

More changes shall come forth once I find more time.
DF  Post #: 10
9/24/2008 9:31:35   
Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer


Argeus: I've always been interested in historical fiction/adventure writing that dealt with China. I'm extremely excited about reading your work. I will try to edit the whole sometime today... *delighted by new project*
Post #: 11
9/29/2008 23:40:06   
Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer


Prologue
The Qingslayer’s Exam

quote:

Not only did that fact deny him of any chance for female companionship, like his comrades, but it also ruined a great deal of anyone’s first impression of him, as everyone would be convinced that walking next to a young knight with hair almost as white as a retiree would more likely than not guarantee no implications of safety.


quote:

Regardless, Thomas never had the intention to dye his hair black, for reasons he would rather keep to himself.

Imo “them” wasn’t appropriate because I wasn’t sure what you were referring back to.

quote:

Normally, Thomas would not care about what he looked like- a student who could attend class with an uncombed hair and unwashed face could very well go on for a good time without much grooming needed.


quote:

Nervousness and eagerness had seized control of the cadet’s legs, and as a result, he unconsciously covered roughly half a mile from his dorm room to the examination venue on campus in less than five minutes, past the beautiful and well-cared-for garden of the Institute without even a glance back.


quote:

And every so often someone would end up losing his life, their graves still lining up along the southern entrance of the building.


quote:

“Room 2031, KSJ Colosseum,” Thomas read out aloud, “This must be it.”


quote:

Gone was the mossy, dark and damp hallway, in this spacious room what hit Thomas first and foremost was a tough, heavy-duty mainframe with all sorts of machinery connected to it, bleeping and flaring on a secondly basis, apparently made for specialist purpose. It was rumored by the school’s students that the sort of machines in the testing center was able to even measure a living human’s heartbeat and brainwave wirelessly.


quote:

I am Professor Bushodo Hikaru, your examiner,” the school official stated. “If I got myself correctly, you are the only cadet from the School of Applied Combat of ours to have passed the Single Combat Tactic exam with maximum score this year.


quote:

“But then, still, you are the pride of our faculty this year, and none of the staff would like to see you fail,” said the helpful examiner. “So, I would like to give you a little revision on what you have learnt in the past years before we start.


quote:

Make sure you are fine with your stats and weapon before you go on.”


quote:

“Never, sir! A high Strength would allow me to gain Stat armor, which means making it harder for enemies to do me serious damage, and the formula is SA = Strength/10!”


quote:

You know what that means, I insist?”

Insist is an awkward word imo.

quote:

The slimes that I released before you each has 3 Strength and 0 Intellect, giving them 3 attack damage, 30 HP and zero armor,” Professor Hikaru said. “As well-prepared as you are, you should have little problem confronting them, don’t you think?


quote:

“Yes, sir!” Thomas replied, and in a flash, the knight in training had already set upon what he thought fit.


quote:

“Tell me, Mr. Oldacre,” Professor Hikaru questioned, “what is the Theory of Charged Assault like?”


quote:

After all, it was an important exam, and somehow Thomas got the feeling that what the professor was giving him was not completely legal.


quote:

If you truly deserved the record-high score that you have attained, you should be able to know what that means, don’t you?”


quote:

He had come all his way to Vladivoskovy to learn what he needed to achieve his dreams, had spent three tough and hard years to learn, and had worked hard and diligently enough in the past time to not back up now.


quote:

Quickly dismissing Thomas’ actions as giving up, the Cyber Paladin once again opened his charge, and his next, fourth blow managed to reduce Thomas’ HP to merely 44.


quote:

But unlike the last times, this time, Thomas’ blade sank right through the armor, delivering what appeared to be a critical blow, virtually knocking the Cyber Paladin back writhing in pain with a good hole in all his defensive equipment.


quote:

The verdict was then simple, as the table is now completely turned: In another two turns, the Cyber Paladin would be defeated for sure, when the Cadet spent another turn charging up his blade and delivering another critical, to which the Cyber Paladin’s defense wouldn’t work.


quote:

For a couple of hours, the cadet failed to control his movement, and in the end, found himself doing a ten-round sprint around the entire campus in a skyhigh mood, laughing and shouting hysterically as his steps pounded rapidly on the cobbled road, disregarding the oblivious bystanders staring at him cluelessly.


A final comment: I love your story! Your description is clear and very well expressed. I can picture this school very well. Your writing exemplifies your knowledge of weapons which is excellent. Keep it up!
Post #: 12
10/3/2008 4:43:31   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

I got another voluntary reader! This is worth a celebration!

1) Mended.
2) Changed "them" into "it". That should do.
3) Changed.
4) That is not much needed. It goes well without the hyphens.
5) Changed.
6) Added full stop.
7) Changed
8)9)10) My punctuation style is different from your standard. So it would usually goes,

"<speech>," <description>, "<speech (Capitalized)>."

And I think it is acceptable.

As for the rest of the critic, I have euthanized all the errors and resurrect them as more accurate forms. Many thanks for your attention!

Alright everyone, the first half of chapter 3 is out today (Chapter numbering changed to avoid confusion, thanks to Fabula). This chapter deals with what happens to Thomas the night prior to his departure. The tone of this chapter is somewhat philosophical, so get up, get wrapped, get reading, and get reviewing!

(I was about to insert a small scene having to do with the death of Thomas' baby sister, but that would make the story a little gross (gross as in barbaric, not gross as in inappropriate/sick/perverse) and as a matter of fact may get myself nailed by fanatic Chinese traditionalists.)
DF  Post #: 13
10/3/2008 15:19:42   
Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer


I will critique over the weekend with the closest of attention!
Post #: 14
10/9/2008 1:41:30   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

It's been almost two weeks since I got my last review in. If anything, please tell me if this doesn't come to the standard. If anyone would tell me that this isn't good enough and more improvement is needed, I would happily remove the story for further improvement.

Just... Say it out.
DF  Post #: 15
10/9/2008 20:43:19   
Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer


I think it's worth it... I just haven't had time to finish reading and critiquing. The weekend didn't work out for me because I had a major midtermish thing I had to study for. Hopefully I will be able to get caught up with all of my reading and writing this weekend!
Post #: 16
10/10/2008 10:38:11   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

Long time since...
Anyways, never despair because of slow commenting! People are most likely just too busy. And longer texts might be intimidating to start commenting on for those who are new to L&L. Who knows...
Why would you need to remove it for improvement? Since it's already posted here, and you have some readers, you can edit it both according to comments and at your own speed.

Ah, moving on to comment chapter 2, Fate's Crossroads.


1) I liked the fight in this chapter much better than the exam-fight earlier! Two most prominent reasons for that are a) it didn't feel as turn-based in nature and b) the description of attacks felt more human and less technical than before. To put it shortly, it felt more threatening and real. Now, I still have my reservations against adding up damage points, but that's solely my preference and you are most definitely free to pass that as before. One note on being consistent:
quote:

Six perfectly aimed shots went home as they systematically tore through the unfortunate six recipients’ arms, doing forty points of damage each, and their persistence in trying to get a piece of the Vladivoskovy graduate ended up with their being completely victimized by Megina’s double-ended cleaver as soon as they got close, resulting in a gruesome 20 points of overkill in each case.

Since you have that 'forty points' earlier in that sentence, could you consider changing that '20' to 'twenty' also?


2) You have quite a distinct style which I enjoy reading! It's also nice to see that I'm not the only one experimenting with long sentences, lol.
Most of the time I think you manage to pull it off, but I still would recommend you to pay extra attention that they don't turn out to be too hard to understand or too repetitive.
quote:

Before the much awed assassins, the control unit on Iteru’s arm began to flare up, and in a matter of seconds, in the space between the Cybernetic graduate and the bloodthirsty attackers, the air turned into a thick halogen-like state, with ethereal curls of fully charged air twirling around a particular position. In due time, as smoke, charged air and dust were thrown up into the surrounding area, at the set location materialized a mechanical soldier, in a distinctive dark blue lightweight armor and a light blue visorless helmet to go with it.As the ethereal air around the cyber warrior died down with the completion of his real-life manifestation, the Cyben opened his eyes, revealing a visage that, surprisingly, was more than ninety percent similar to that of his operator. As he finally gained mobility and majestically walked out of the fading cloud of smoke, and electrically charged materials, his two weapons- a curved, double-ended, razor-sharp yet heavy cleaver that he held one-handed with ease, and a bulging arm cannon built into his other hand- showed themselves up before both foes and allies, displaying the obvious sign of a powerful comrade and a formidable enemy.

For example, in this paragraph, you repeat the description of charged air many a times; just put in different words. In addition to making it sound a tad repetitive, imo, it also complicates the sentences a tad too much. My suggestion for this particular paragraph would be that cut the second and third bolded parts away and remove the latter half of the last bolded part. The paragraph would then look like this:
quote:

Before the much awed assassins, the control unit on Iteru’s arm began to flare up, and in a matter of seconds, in the space between the Cybernetic graduate and the bloodthirsty attackers, the air turned into a thick halogen-like state, with ethereal curls of fully charged air twirling around a particular position. In due time, as smoke and dust were thrown up into the surrounding area, at the set location materialized a mechanical soldier, in a distinctive dark blue lightweight armor and a light blue visorless helmet to go with it. With the completion of his real-life manifestation, the Cyben opened his eyes, revealing a visage that, surprisingly, was more than ninety percent similar to that of his operator. As he finally gained mobility and majestically walked out of the fading cloud of smoke, his two weapons- a curved, double-ended, razor-sharp yet heavy cleaver that he held one-handed with ease, and a bulging arm cannon built into his other hand- showed themselves up before both foes and allies, displaying the obvious sign of a powerful comrade and a formidable enemy.



3)
You might be using the verb 'to be' a bit excessively. I'm not suggesting that you'd go on some 'kill them all'-rampage, nor do you need to, but do check at times if you could use some more descriptive verb instead. Taking the beginning paragraph as example:
quote:

The Vladivoskovy Institute itself was an architectural wonder. Covering an area of almost a hundred square miles, the school campus was in some way even more self-contained than a full-fledged city, with an assortment of different services and departments extremely well planned and laid out. However, the downside to this wonder was that the campus was more or less maze-like for those unfamiliar with the locale, and sometimes even those native to the academy would find themselves lost. Fortunately, this time, Thomas Oldacre and his friends were treading on familiar ground, and in a matter of minutes, the trio had been able to cover well over a hundred yards of the various corridors, pathways and walks towards the crime scene.

All those 'was's makes this come off a bit more stating than describing, imho. An easy way to get rid of at least the last instance, would be to edit it to:
'the campus felt more a less like a maze'

In connection to this, you have quite often those sentences beginning with 'It was not...' in your writing, also in this chapter. Imo, when rightly portioned, it's an effective stylistic gimmick, but be careful not to overuse it. It might just end up adding to the repetition at points where you don't want to add to it.


4) I didn't do typo-hunting this time (le GASP! =P ), but this stung my eye:
quote:


The assassin clearly thought so, until the distinctive sound of metal entering flesh at close range entered his ear. It was not the sound made my his kill, and to his astonishment and horror, the murderer realized that the sharp, pointed edge of a silver rapier had shredded through his back, pierced all the way through his torso, and exited his body through the spot where his heart was supposed to be.

'by'?


5) Hmm. I'm pondering over the balance between the very point-to-point-tech-detailed battles and Thomas' journey to banish the brutal Qianlong. Because the description of him turning the Earth seal-offer down because of honour and the description of the battle seem to pull the story into different stylistic directions. But that's probably just me =P. Well, I guess I see how you've solved that as the story unfolds!


I'm very sorry that I move with such a snail-pace with my commenting-- I find myself very much divided between many things and many stories-- but I'll return here eventually!
DF  Post #: 17
10/12/2008 22:18:13   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Heh, sorry for the wait, I've finally finished reading the prologue of your story. I lacked the time of line-by-line, but I hope my overall comments would help you.

The best part of this piece, imo, was the dialogue. I liked how to played the talk between Thomas and the Examiner. It sounded very human, and you managed to convey info without infodumping. The math was fairly simple, so even a math-detestor like me managed to understand fairly easily. Or maybe it's because I used to play AQ a lot and familiarize myself with those terms, so it's simple for me. If you need an opinion of the clarity from a non-game-player, make sure you find someone else, lol. Anyhow, the dialogue was well done, realistic, and you have a great balance of speech tags, knowing when to exclude them, when to use said, when to use other words, ect. almost perfectly. Plus, you don't have no actions or too much exposition mixed in, ect. I really applaud that. ;)

The flow of your sentences was fairly well done. You've got a good sense there, as well. They did drag on to be a bit wordy at times. Try to trim when possible. In my opinion (simply my viewpoint and experience), is something is one of the following, it might need rearranging/trimming:
1. If you have to use a lot of things like "which" to join the sentence.
2. If it drag on for more than three or four clauses.
3. If you're using more than one -ly adverb a sentence. (more on that later)
4. If you're stating something that is unnecessary and could be deduced without stating. For example, if "she took his hand" is understandable, it's not really unnecessary to way "she took his hand in her own."
Just a few general points off the top of my head. Something to keep in mind if you feel it's helpful.

I find your way of battle interesting. Uncommon, but not at all bad. The way he managed to win in the end was great; nice and logical, exactly the way I like 'em. Hooray for being unique! A bit more description might work. Instead of "He killed the three enemies" you could describe how he carved a blow in the head, a stab in the chest, ect. That's personal preference in ways, but being the kind of writer I am... Eh, you don't have to listen. Since you're influenced by Chinese history, especially, since I know those books don't describe fights blow-for-blow. I suggest it here simply because the fight is an integral part of the prologue, and since you describe the mechanics (math) in such detail, it feels a bit unfitting to not give the actual movements the same careful treatment.

In terms of grammar, there wasn't really a lot outside of a few typos and missed commas that can be fixed with a few more revisions. I did notice the following, regarding dialogue that runs on for longer than one paragraph:

quote:

“Good day, Cadet. I am Professor Bushodo Hikaru, your examiner,” the school official stated, “If I got myself correctly, you are the only cadet from the School of Applied Combat of ours to have passed the Single Combat Tactic exam with maximum score this year. I congratulate you on that result.”

“But that doesn’t guarantee that you would pass this exam safe and sound,” Professor Hikaru said, after a pause, “You know what happened to Jonas McDonald last year, don’t you?”

In the books I've read/observed, in the first paragraph of dialogue that doesn't end/switch speakers, there is no closing quote. You're correct in putting an opening quote in the next paragraph. So, essentially, you might wish to take out the closing quote after "result"

Also, in direct thought, you seem to use both regular double quotes and italics. A more comma format is either italics and no quotes at all or single quotes and no italics. This could be personal preference, but both quotes and italics together... well, it's not really necessary to have both, imo.

In description, you do a fairly good job, but I think you can try more colour imagery. There are parts when the description wasn't particularly interesting (a lot of the setting description) and when it got repetitive (the Thomas description). You've got the amount down; I suggest you try to put it in the right parts: adding more here, taking away there, ect. Also, more colour, more vividity. Describing the shape is good, but the colour makes it more vivid in the mind's eye. You've got quite a bit of colour, but more can't hurt. ;)

As a side comment, you might be overusing -ly adverbs. They're not the strongest words around, and can mainly be replaced by stronger verbs or simply taken out due to lack of unnecessity. Things like "ran quickly" could be "raced" ect. Visit this link to see more on that.

Finally, there are only two things left that I noticed. One, I don't think you mentioned much/all about Thomas's parents in the prologue, but you do have him thinking about murdering Qianlong. To readers who might not read/pay attention to your summary (and that might be more than you think [No, not me!] =P), this might be confusing. Oh yes, they should be reading the summary, but a story is more reliable if it can stand on its own without the summary and author's notes, right? ;)

Secondly, what kinda irks me, perhaps more than any other aspect since this is what I care about most in stories, is Thomas's character. It might be just me, but he doesn't seem to show a lot of personality outside of revenge (and is glad when he gets closer to his goal) and an enthusiasm in answering questions (and happiness when getting the right). Yes, I'm sure you'll probably bleed more personality later on, but currently, I don't have a good feel of him, I don't feel enough empathy... He seems a bit flat, like revenge and question-answering are his only traits atm. They don't go together all that nicely, and it makes me feel little for him--no like or dislike. It might be just me, but if you can do anything to endear him to the audience more... Just think on it. ;)

Yeah, so that's all I have to say. Great dialogue, description amount, and flow. Work on character development, description format and placement, and transfering what's in your summary into the prologue, or take out the kill Qianlong thoughts and give that info later (we've got enough other stuff already). Please note that these comments are my perceptions, drawn from my beliefs and experiences. If there's something you disagree on, feel free to ignore. I won't be offended at all. ^_^

_____________________________

AQ  Post #: 18
10/13/2008 19:01:59   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

I'll take my time, thanks, Fabula and Firefly. This is going to be the work of my life, so I will have, say, 20 years to kill all my ANU subjects, get a job and stable salary, and finish this work. As far as I have planned, there would be a HUGE inclusion of information.

Just a little sneak peak on the factions that I am about to include:

a) Good i.e. anti-Qing:

- The Society of the White Lotus (real)
- The Taiping Tiankuo (Real)
- Country of the Short (Wokuo) i.e. Japan (real), consisting of the Takeda clan's cavalry and the Oda clan's mercenaries.
- A multitude of Wuxie clans (real)
- Dwarves (They make battleships!)
- Elves (They PILOT the nearest equivalent of mobile suits)
- Gnolls and Gnoll Paladins
- Centaur warriors.
- Gold Dragons
- Hydras.

b) Neutral i.e. not against the Qing dynasty, but Thomas would have to cross sword some day.

- Draconic Cracklords (Crack as in crack cocaine)
- Order of the Dracolich Knights
- Necromantic order.

c) Evil. Qianlong's generals, factions, and allies.

- Army of the Yue family, under Yue Fei's command.
- Army of the Shih family, under Shih Jiguang's command.
- Kingdom of Korea and its Turtle Ship fleet.
- Kingdom of Burma and its war elephants.
- Huolungjiang elite cavalry.
- The Eastern and Western Chambers (aka, tantamount to Gestapo of China)

As you can see, this list is not exhaustive. It'd take years before I can nail it.
DF  Post #: 19
10/18/2008 7:31:56   
Crimzon5
Member

Heh, missed out on a lot. Oh well.... comments!

Chapter 1:

I liked the dialouge at the latter part. I find it to be the most interesting part of the story (especially if the lines are good). Now for some corrections:

quote:

Every passers- including those who incurred a Pyhrric Victory in the exam- looked forward to the end-of-year ball.
Discard the 's'. 'Every' is singular.

quote:

It was the time for future prominent “employers”, kings and queens, lords and marquesses, or generals and marshals from all over the worlds to pay a visit to the so-called “omniversal barracks” to recruit their champions-to-be.
According to my dictionary... it's 'marquises'

quote:

friends started to plot behind one anothers’ backs, in order to win a ticket to a position in any employer’s contingency of men in the event.

It's 'another's'

quote:

as they gathered around the front yard of the KSJ Colosseum with their friends

Coliseum?

quote:

tones and volumes seemd to be large and distracting

you lack the letter 'e'

AQ DF  Post #: 20
10/19/2008 12:40:56   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

Comments for Chapter 3 - The Departure, going line by line this time:

1)
quote:

Usually, anyone who was wide awake and conscious at that odd hour of day would either be insomniac, have shady business to tend to, or be otherwise mentally disturbed.
...
Usually, with the blade of vengeance suspending in his conscience, swinging around the hollow chamber of his thoughts like an ever-moving pendulum, it was as hard to get a good night’s shuteye as attempting to sleep next door to a noisy construction yard.

Do I recognise myself in this? =P
No, seriously, I enjoyed the opening paragraph to this chapter, especially these two sentences made my day when I read them on Friday =)

2)
quote:

The Qing military might was at around 20 millions when his father was still alive, in office, and commanding, and since that day, it had only risen. By the time Thomas was but a toddler, the then-emperor Yongzheng had more than 35 million.

Just a matter of consistency as in the previous chapter: since you have other instances of the same number written as 'twenty,' I think these should be, too, written out like that.

3)
quote:

“Huh?” Thomas uttered, quickly, with trembling hands out of nervousness and anxiety, reached for the doorknob.

Hmm, only my opinion but I think this would flow better with rewording: 'with hands trembling out of nervousness and anxiety.' Your call.

4)
quote:

“Yes? Is anything wrong?” Thomas said as he looked at the messenger, trying to appear helpful while hiding his more than obvious anxiety to no avail.
...
“What had… happened?” Thomas said, no longer being able to conceal his nervousness, “Do you know something?”

I think that 'had' would be better off as 'has' as the situation is still ongoing, right?
Also, since you told us a couple of lines earlier that he tried to hide his anxiety 'to no avail,' I think that 'no longer'-part seems a bit redundant.

5)
quote:

After all, Thomas wouldn’t usually give the least bit of attention to the disciplinary protocols of the institute- not that he had ever been in trouble, after all those years.

Imo, this is a very confusing way to say this. What's wrong with the regular 'Thomas usually could not care less about the disciplinary protocols'?

6)
quote:

Even Thomas had no intention of busting those myths with what little connection he had with the man who led the school- except for that apparently the Principal of Vladivoskovy Institute saved his life prior, which he was extremely grateful to, Thomas had no other connection with the headmaster.

Somehow, saving one's life seems in my opinion so tremendously indebting event that calling it 'little connection' sounds really weird. I mean, it might be a different thing if in a modern day world one would be rescued by a mere passer-by who called an ambulance to deal with that person's heart attack. But here the very person who saved his life lives in the same premises, and no matter how large the institute is, still this 'no other connection' seems very odd. Perhaps you need to tell us more clearly why the both of them chose to keep the distance (a code of conduct, a protection of identity?) here or elsewhere in the story and refer to it in here?

7)
quote:

The only thing that differentiated the Principal’s Office from the other rooms and departments of Vladivoskovy is that it was almost twice as large as an ordinary office room, with the extra space being fully occupied by a huge bookshelf that looked like a mini library all in itself.

I suspect that the correct tense should be the past tense: 'was'

8)
quote:

A large picture, probably collected out of personal interest, was hanging on the back wall of the room, depicting the scene of a peaceful town at dusk, free from all violence and conflict- a strange notion, taking into consideration that Vladivoskovy was a war academy.

Imo, that bolded part is unneeded, a plain 'back wall' should suffice here, since the readers already know you're describing an office room.

9)
quote:

That is a spoiled aristocratic lady’s behavior, not that of a great lord.

Ahem... Lemme just confuse you by suggesting a more wordy version here =P
'That is the behavior of a spoiled aristocratic lady, not that of a great lord.'
Why? Well, I think that in this specific case the repetition of the of-genetive would give the line more weight. You are absolutely free to disagree. As always. =P

10)
quote:

Forgive Frank for what he had misunderstood, I ask of you.All what he knew was that Lord Elbert summoned me at this time of day,

Since the misunderstandment has not been cleared with Frank yet, I believe that should be 'has'. Or 'might have'. Of course, that would require to change that latter bolded part to 'All he knows' as well...

11)
quote:

The Vladivoskovy School Policy on Information Disclosure stated that no private information should be disclosed to a third party without the consent of the individual in question, with one exception,”

If the policy had not been changed, this should be 'states', in the dialogue, I believe.

12)
quote:

Furthermore, I would trust Lord Elbert with my life that he would not tell anyone of what he knew about you

'knows,' I believe. Or 'has learnt'

13)
quote:

At the current year, the Qing military might has topped the 150 million milestone. The 1:150 million odd is for madmen and planet killers.

See point 2)

14)
quote:

Firstly, you and your staffs have always taught that a knight, or at least, a true knight, must always stand up to the challenge without faltering.

A matter of preference, but I'd use singular here, 'staff,' unless he runs another institute or company somewhere else with a different staff, that has also had contact with Thomas.


The last part makes a really strong statement and should give some thoughts to the ones who already haven't thought about the costs of such things as violently collapsing a regime under the notion of vengeance, under the notion of badly founded concepts of right and evil, under the notion of false optimism.
Really, no matter how good were the purposes, it isn't that simple. Thank you for writing that.


I loved this chapter. =) Good job!
DF  Post #: 21
10/19/2008 23:05:01   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

Thanks Fabula!

As good as it seems, Tommy is not going to listen to that advice anyway :(. However, as shown in a spoiler, he would have good reason for that.

It'll be a good time before I could get on with this. Two assignments are due this Friday, and exam is in three weeks. Yeah, I blame the ANU for such a timetable. Also, this work shall be subject to a massive name-changing campaign when it is finished, because of a particular reason. (Judging from its scale, it'd be years till that day).

So... until, like, after this week!
DF  Post #: 22
10/31/2008 9:22:34   
Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer


I thoroughly apologize for being so far behind! arg! We just finished up midterms and papers are abounding from every class... nice long ones too. Anyways... here are my first few comments from chapter one.

quote:

In the melting pot of a host of different, conflicting emotions during the week, whereas the whole school was boiling from the hyped expectations and long-term anxiety, Thomas Oldacre stood from the crowd even more than he had usually.


quote:

As the week slowly passed, trying the patience and mental stability of his friends and mates, the white-haired warrior was still there, calm and collected, as silent as a statue sculptured by the very storm of sorrow and anxiety unlike any other beneath his skin.


quote:

Political opponents among the lot were, even before the “auction” could begin, planning in the dire shadow of their own convoy on how to outsmart, outmaneuver and outpay their enemies.


quote:

To some of the participants, however, the event was only one of the two.


quote:

Undoubtedly, the politicians lining up outside the place, weighing their coins and pondering which knight they would choose for their contingency, cared next to nothing about the festivity sense of the prom.



Hope this helps!
Post #: 23
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