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Well-Defined short stories comments

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5/26/2011 3:59:14   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 Greetings,

Most of you youngsters probably don't know me, but the old school L&L'ers may remember my name.

I haven't been here in a long long time, and that's because I haven't been writing anything of interest in a long long time, mainly. However, I recently wrote a short story, possibly to become part of a larger series of short stories, and before I decide where I take it I'd like to hear some of your thoughts.

This won't be like most of the prose on this forum, so if you've come in search of sci-fi or fantasy I must warn you, there's none to be found.

Any spelling or grammar mistakes you find you're welcome to report and I will take them into account, but above all I'm looking for your ideas on the concept as a whole.

Edit: I have indeed decided to make this into a series, though where exactly it will take me I do not know. I will keep uploading stories as long as there are people to read them and as long as I'm writing them.

Travelling
Happiness

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 6/1/2011 11:01:28 >
AQ  Post #: 1
5/26/2011 7:03:40   
nield
Creative!


 A very interesting piece, to be sure. Indeed, I only found one mistake, which I shall put here.
quote:

In that moment I despises one thing above all. Above death, war, above block-buster movies; Botox.
Despised.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of it, really. It is a well thought-out piece, with, perhaps some real story behind it. I'm certainly not, however, the sort of person you would consult when expanding this sort of writing, so I will leave that type of feedback to those better suited.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
5/26/2011 7:43:57   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 That's quite alright, nield, I understand this is not really the sort of writing many people on this forum might be into. But I have pleasant memories in this place so I figured I'd put it up and see what happens. Changed the typo, well spotted!

EDIT: Oh, and of course, thank you very much for taking the time to read and check for mistakes!

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 5/26/2011 10:50:21 >
AQ  Post #: 3
6/1/2011 11:00:27   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 I've decided to make this into a series as I have previously contemplated, assuming my creativity will permit it.

Part two is called Happiness, and it's up now.

Will keep posting these as long as I'm writing more and as long as people are reading them. I must say I don't feel as good about this one as about the first, but hey, that just makes all your comments all the more helpful!
AQ  Post #: 4
6/1/2011 11:17:38   
nield
Creative!


 *Grins slyly* Words of encouragement empower a writer, so they say. While I'm still not any more sought-after in this field of writing, I do have a few words... and what I think may be a mistake.

quote:

I think what I wanted was to explore the differences between them and us.
I think you may have wanted 'me', there. Unless you were making a generalisation of the generations.

While this one isn't quite as... deep, as the first, it still carries meaning behind it and makes one stop to think. Well done and keep up the good work.

< Message edited by nield -- 6/1/2011 11:32:46 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 5
6/1/2011 11:23:45   
gwoonjustin
April 2008 Writer of the Month


 You're quite right, that's a simple (though quite mysterious is that u is not next to m or s to e) typo/stream of thought fail.

Indeed it doesn't go as deep, nor have what you might call the sentimental value of the first one. But it does make a little bridge into Joshua being more than just an observer of the world and the things in it, being a person of his own with his own troubles and questions and whatnot.

Thanks for once more reading and picking up on my plentiful mistakes, glad you enjoyed it.

Edited this post to pick out a typo. Yes, I hate them that much.

< Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 6/1/2011 11:24:40 >
AQ  Post #: 6
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