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Babel and Berin- Lyrics/Poetry- Comments thread

 
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5/19/2009 13:47:09   
BrantePyrus
Member

NOTE- Babel and Berin is now taken down. My new thread can be found here.

< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 4/20/2010 21:31:43 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 1
5/20/2009 12:09:16   
Helixi
Member

These poems are really good, Brante! I couldn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes apart from this:
quote:

And so we burn.
Burn for the darkness.
Burn for the truth.
Burn for the night.
Burn for the night.

...why repeat this line for impact? the rest of the poem has already done it.
AQ DF  Post #: 2
5/20/2009 12:21:13   
BrantePyrus
Member

@helix
Thanks for reading! Glad you liked it. On the repeat, thats becuase they are, in addition to poetry, my lyrics.
In general, there's no need to repeat, but you can see how in music, there's occasionally more repeating.
I appreciate the imput though! It's good advice.
In fact, what the heck, I'll change it in post version! Once I get it recorded, it'll probably repeat anyway tho.!

< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 5/20/2009 12:23:17 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 3
5/20/2009 12:45:50   
Helixi
Member

ah, I didn't consider they might be lyrics. Sorry.

Why not have one (without repeated line) as a poem and one (with repeated line) as a song?


< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:36:37 >
AQ DF  Post #: 4
5/20/2009 15:55:08   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

@above:
Why, I don't really think that would be necessary. Maybe just noting it were lyrics, but otherwise, it would be pretty pointless to have two nearly the exact same pieces in the thread...

Well, Brante, on to the critique for your poetry now. Remember that any and all of these are my own personal opinions, and you are free to completely ignore me might you find my suggestions ridiculous :P

quote:

Reign of anger

Anger divides, anger descends, I believe this one should be a semi-colon.
Anger arrives among my friends.
Burning, rising, burning on. [I don't really like the way you repeated 'burning on' here. There's plenty of other options. I personally think 'raging on' would sound really cool here, but it's your call.]
Anger never ends. [I'm not really sure why, but I feel like a 'The' before 'anger' would suit really well here. Your call whether you take it or not.]

Anger is humanity [There should be some kind of punctuation here. A period would be plenty.]
Anger fury burning bright. [Again, I'm missing /some/ kind of punctuation. This time, it's between 'anger' and 'fury'.]
Anger raised by day, and calmed by endless night. [You're kinda wrecking the flow here. I suggest moving the second part down, making it it's own line, and adding an extra word to the first part. ]

Anger divides, anger descends,
Anger arrives among my friends.
Burning, rising, burning on.
Anger never ends.

Fury and wrath, clouds on my path. [This doesn't make much sense, because what you're saying here is: "Fury and wrath, [BAM!] there are random clouds on my path!" This either needs a colon instead of the comma, or you need some word of introduction. (like 'and', 'the', etc.)]
Walking through a desert where the daylight never ends.
Anger burns, anger, my friend. Again, this doesn't make much sense. Kind of seems like a pretty random sentence to me, except if you mean that anger is your friend. Which I don't think you do.
Coating blood across my hands. I don't think you can actually 'coat across' something. Again, I guess there are plenty things you could replace it with. I.E. "The blood is dripping off my hands.", or "Blood is covering my hands", etc.

Anger divides, anger descends,
Anger arrives among my friends.
Burning, rising, burning on.
Anger never ends.

A mushroom cloud that rises above the earth,
Anger's cruel attempt at mirth. [Flowkill, much? Off course, where there is a problem, there is a solution. For starters, you've got to either lengthen the last sentence, or shorten the first one. Or both, of course. There is so much you could do with it, I don't feel like giving any examples right now. I think you'll be able to work this one out by yourself :)]


Let's just start off by saying I'm a sucker for good flow, so that's why I really like your repeated 'chorus' (I'll just call it that) and liked the other stanza's a little less. I liked your choice of words (a large vocabulary is great when writing poetry, trust me) in most parts, and I liked the way the poem went in general. It's not the best poem I've ever read here in L&L, but hey, everyone's here to improve, so I think you just might be one of those guys who I look at in a few months and wonder to myself "When did he get this friggin good?". Anyway, I'm assuming you're a he, don't kill me if I'm wrong >.> Also, I noticed you mentioned the word recording. Are you writing these as songs for a band?

Anyway, you've got my seal of approval (well... figuratively...), so if you're lucky (read: if I don't forget about L&L again) I'll probably be coming back, so you'd better have liked my comments! >:D


/Arthur.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
5/20/2009 16:38:31   
BrantePyrus
Member

@Arthur
Thanks for reading!
Now, on your critisism. I've responded to it line by line.
And yes, I'm writing these for my(mostly nonexistent) band.
quote:

Anger divides, anger descends, I believe this one should be a semi-colon. If it were normal writing(not bizzare poetry arrangement), it'd be all one sentance. "Anger divides, anger descends, anger arrives among my friends." You could still be right, but I think that'd be correct, actually.
Anger arrives among my friends.
Burning, rising, burning on. [I don't really like the way you repeated 'burning on' here. There's plenty of other options. I personally think 'raging on' would sound really cool here, but it's your call.] The repeat is very much part of the flow. Using another word was intentionally avoided.
Anger never ends. [I'm not really sure why, but I feel like a 'The' before 'anger' would suit really well here. Your call whether you take it or not.] My call is not taking it! :3

Anger is humanity [There should be some kind of punctuation here. A period would be plenty.] Well, I suppose that's true, but I wasn't sure how I wanted it to seem, so I left it to the reader to decide whether it's a period, comma, or exclamation point. Probably not an exclamation point.
Anger fury burning bright. [Again, I'm missing /some/ kind of punctuation. This time, it's between 'anger' and 'fury'.] It's not anger AND fury burning bright. Anger IS fury burning bright.
Anger raised by day, and calmed by endless night. [You're kinda wrecking the flow here. I suggest moving the second part down, making it it's own line, and adding an extra word to the first part. ] Well, thats a matter of opinion. But I like it this way.

Anger divides, anger descends,
Anger arrives among my friends.
Burning, rising, burning on.
Anger never ends.

Fury and wrath, clouds on my path. [This doesn't make much sense, because what you're saying here is: "Fury and wrath, [BAM!] there are random clouds on my path!" This either needs a colon instead of the comma, or you need some word of introduction. (like 'and', 'the', etc.)] It WOULD be "are", but this is one of those things where I think you can figure that fury and wrath are the clouds, a la "Music, A light in the darkness." And for the flow this works better, IMO
Walking through a desert where the daylight never ends.
Anger burns, anger, my friend. Again, this doesn't make much sense. Kind of seems like a pretty random sentence to me, except if you mean that anger is your friend. Which I don't think you do. I do.
Coating blood across my hands. I don't think you can actually 'coat across' something. Again, I guess there are plenty things you could replace it with. I.E. "The blood is dripping off my hands.", or "Blood is covering my hands", etc. Anger is coating blood across my hands. Like, you'd say, I'm coating this paper with glue.

Anger divides, anger descends,
Anger arrives among my friends.
Burning, rising, burning on.
Anger never ends.

A mushroom cloud that rises above the earth,
Anger's cruel attempt at mirth. [Flowkill, much? Off course, where there is a problem, there is a solution. For starters, you've got to either lengthen the last sentence, or shorten the first one. Or both, of course. There is so much you could do with it, I don't feel like giving any examples right now. I think you'll be able to work this one out by yourself :)] Oh, thats a messup. It's supposed to be "A mushroom cloud that rises HIGH above the earth, Anger's cruel attempt at mirth. It's odd flow, but there is flow. Let me go fix that right now!


< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 5/21/2009 13:14:07 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 6
5/30/2009 12:58:15   
BrantePyrus
Member

say what?

If you mean the "web", its on my homethread.

And BTW, I'm back from Chicago. Some more poetry soon.

< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 5/30/2009 12:59:10 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 7
6/1/2009 12:09:23   
BrantePyrus
Member

New poems up, A Plea, and Brink.

< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 6/1/2009 12:19:39 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 8
6/1/2009 17:26:24   
Helixi
Member

I like the newest two. They're very dark.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:37:56 >
AQ DF  Post #: 9
6/3/2009 12:26:29   
BrantePyrus
Member

I'm going to post some filler artwork I did...
Nevermind, that was too huge. I made a messup. I'll link to it later.

Attachment (1)

< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 6/3/2009 13:12:55 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 10
6/4/2009 13:42:37   
Helixi
Member

I like the newest one, especially this part:
quote:

Where is the sun?
Where is the son?

Very nice play on words there. ^_^

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:38:20 >
AQ DF  Post #: 11
6/5/2009 9:04:09   
BrantePyrus
Member

Ah, I've been longing to use that for a while. Hope the christians don't kill me for it. ^.^ I'll be bringing in the second part after finals are over.

EDIT: And it works better spoken, but it still works

EDIT 2: New poem up, Speaker. I'm positive it's just the first in what will become a series of poems with the same, or similar titles.

< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 7/16/2009 18:33:35 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 12
7/22/2009 12:34:41   
BrantePyrus
Member

Three new poems up, one of which is incomplete. This bunch includes my little Hendrix tribute, which is essentially a modified paraphrase of "All Along the Watchtower" (although mine wasn't written on an acid trip). All Along the Watchtower was originally a Dylan song, but Hendrix's version is notably different. In case you do not know it, here are the Hendrix lyrics.

quote:

All Along the Watchtower

There must be some kinda way out of here
Said the Joker to the Thief
There's too much confusion
I can't get no relief
Businessman, they drink my wine
Plow men dig my earth
None will level on the line
Nobody of it is worth

No reason to get excited!
The Thief he kindly spoke
There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke.
But you and I, we've been through that,
And this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now
The hour's getting late

All along the watchtower
Princes kept the view
While all the women came and went
Bare-foot servants too.
Outside in the cold distance
A wild cat did prowl
Two riders were approaching
And the wind began to howl

All along the watchtower
Hear you sing around the watch
Gotta beware, gotta beware I will
All along the watchtower


< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 10/13/2009 19:52:13 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 13
7/23/2009 4:45:09   
Helixi
Member

quote:

listening

Capitalize first letter.

I like these new poems and I can't find anything wrong with them. :D


< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:39:31 >
AQ DF  Post #: 14
9/15/2009 20:20:24   
BrantePyrus
Member

In case any of you were wondering-
No, I am not dead. I simply have not had time to post. Too much vacation, untill school started, and now it's WAY too much schoolwork. Highschool is SO MUCH WORK! Agh! How have the rest of you (class of 2012 and before) survived this? On the other hand, there ARE a lot of girls. :3
Apologies. I take forever to post, and then it is this. Hopefully I won't get deleted from my own thread for off- topic.

Will be back ASAP!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 15
9/18/2009 16:58:00   
BrantePyrus
Member

Alright, putting some new poems up momentarily.
They'll be up by the time you read this.
EDIT: And, they're up!

< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 9/20/2009 9:43:30 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 16
11/18/2009 19:08:28   
BrantePyrus
Member

Alright, I have TWENTY(handwritten) more pages of poetry for y'all to read. But I'm holding them out untill I get some comments! :P
-Brante
EDIT: Okay, I lied. I'm putting it up now. At least, some of it. Hopefully I can get comments WITHOUT threats, since I can't get em with.
-Herr Brante

Yes, I now am "Mister Brante", translated from german. Blame it on EpicDuel. The hairstyle I picked for my character matched my german teacher EXACTLY. So, I named him(although Brante is traditionally one of my female characters...)Herr Brante.

< Message edited by BrantePyrus -- 12/6/2009 20:26:38 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 17
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