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Mad world comments and discussion

 
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3/5/2013 1:39:20   
jesse30
Member

hmmm haven't posted on these forums in a really really really long time if anyone sees that I'm doing something wrong please inform me
The story is here
http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=21154156&mpage=1&key=�
or rather what there is of it so far this was pretty much written on a whim and I'm not sure if I'm gonna be finishing it.

< Message edited by jesse30 -- 3/5/2013 1:41:18 >
AQ DF  Post #: 1
3/6/2013 2:56:40   
Trainz_07
Member

I have just read your story, and if it's okay I would like to first address the grammatical aspect of your piece.

First and foremost is that I suggest interposing spacing between each paragraph. Generally readers prefer that kind of format because it really helps facilitate the reading process.


quote:

Unfortunately there were no outsiders to spectate this stunning marriage, if there were, perhaps things might have turned out differently.


The comma here can be replaced with semi-colon, which helps to connect the two parts of the sentence and shows that there is a relation between them.

quote:

A lone child forded his way through the blinding sleet


I know this isn't grammar, but the word forded implies crossing a river or stream, and as such isn't the suitable word here.

quote:

Panic his only companion as he desperately tried to force his way through the near impenetrable blizzard


There should be a 'was' in between panic and his.

quote:

the boy slowly began to lose all thought the hail biting at what skin was exposed


There should be a comma after the word 'thought'

quote:

his front legs begin to buckle ‘is this it? Does it all end here?


A full stop after buckle.

quote:

disappear one by one his parent’s, his friend’s, his hobbies, his favorite memories


I would suggest replacing the comma with a colon.

quote:

old achievement


achievements

quote:

ironically the boy loved the snow


'i' should be capitalized.

quote:

his first crush under the moonlight her firey red hair a stark contrast


Fiery. Also I think there should be a comma between moonlight and her

quote:

miss the most about living was coming in from the snow feeling the sting of his body warming up.


I didn't really understand this part. Could you explain it?

quote:

That last of his thoughts flickered by leaving nothing but darkness as he quietly faded into death.


I think a comma should be put between by and leaving, it helps with the pacing.



Right, so for now I have just focused on punctuation and grammar, small things that are crucial to allow your readers to better peruse your stories.

Overall, I think it's a solid piece, and it strikes me that you have a flair for description, I very much like your description of the blizzard, it was very life-like. If you'd like a more in-depth critique, or if you don't agree with any of my corrections, please just let me know. Best of luck to you =)

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 3/6/2013 3:02:11 >
AQ  Post #: 2
4/15/2013 13:22:44   
Hakunin
Member

-

< Message edited by Hakunin -- 4/17/2013 12:42:59 >
AQ  Post #: 3
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