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10/9/2011 13:42:49   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


The story

Guys, even the first chapter is not complete , but nevertheless, i would like people to read and inform me about the typos, and the general content.
Hope you enjoy what's coming.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 1
10/9/2011 14:51:58   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

sometime s sublime shadow


Would you mind telling us when this story plays and if the protagonist is the same as the/your player character?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 2
10/10/2011 4:18:27   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


I am thinking you are having this question because I wrote Celestia, my bad, it's way after the events of chapter 1, but Sepulchure's still there, and yes, Arthur, my character is the hero of this story, and he will be seen with the appearance of a new younger character on whose life, this story is based.

Thanks for the typo.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
10/10/2011 6:21:08   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


I updated chapter 2 too, so that I could cover up for one more day.

So guys.
Chapter 2's up.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
10/10/2011 9:33:42   
Argeus the Paladin
Member

First thing first: Your work is remarkably well written as far as technicalities go. However, there are still a number of things you can improve upon, in my opinion.

1) Formatting: A rule of thumb of dialogue formatting is that each speaker's dialogue needs its own paragraph break. This is the professional norm, and in most parts makes your dialogue that much easier to read and appreciate. For instance: This part

quote:

It was getting increasingly difficult to chase it because after all, it was a shadow, and it's maneuverability was extraordinary. Arthur also had to look out for any stray arrows flying close to him. 'Eldrangier.', he said, ' Watch out below, will you?' The dragon grunted in reply, the long and tiring chase was taking its toll on the beast. As they looked on, a flash of light appeared suddenly on the forest floor and shot skywards striking the shadow in the middle causing it to plummet down. 'What was that?', the Dragonlord behind Arthur shouted. 'Artix's paladins, those were the elites with the ability to launch light spears.', Arthur shouted back. Suddenly, Eldrangier was thrown off balance and something pulled him downwards, Arthur saw to his horror, it was a black chain and it's source was the already plummeting shadow. 'It wants a fight. Arthur, get off, jump off me.', Eldrangier shouted angrily, his raspy, ancient voice filled with force. 'NO!! Eld don't.', Arthur shouted but it was too late, Eldrangier twisted in the air and Arthur was thrown off him, he started to fall, but as he did, Eldrangier's massive body fell faster than him disappearing into the shadows of the forest, Arthur however, was scooped up by large clawed hands, it was the other Dragonlord. 'Desmond, take me down, now.', Arthur commanded. The other Dragonlord nodded and his dragon dived for the forest floor.


should be reformatted as:

quote:

It was getting increasingly difficult to chase it because after all, it was a shadow, and it's maneuverability was extraordinary. Arthur also had to look out for any stray arrows flying close to him.

'Eldrangier,' he said, ' Watch out below, will you?'

The dragon grunted in reply, the long and tiring chase was taking its toll on the beast. As they looked on, a flash of light appeared suddenly on the forest floor and shot skywards striking the shadow in the middle causing it to plummet down.

'What was that?' the Dragonlord behind Arthur shouted.

'Artix's paladins, those were the elites with the ability to launch light spears,' Arthur shouted back.

Suddenly, Eldrangier was thrown off balance and something pulled him downwards, Arthur saw to his horror, it was a black chain and it's source was the already plummeting shadow.

'It wants a fight. Arthur, get off, jump off me,' Eldrangier shouted angrily, his raspy, ancient voice filled with force.

'NO!! Eld don't!' Arthur shouted but it was too late, Eldrangier twisted in the air and Arthur was thrown off him, he started to fall, but as he did, Eldrangier's massive body fell faster than him disappearing into the shadows of the forest, Arthur however, was scooped up by large clawed hands, it was the other Dragonlord.

'Desmond, take me down, now,' Arthur commanded. The other Dragonlord nodded and his dragon dived for the forest floor.


A minor error I've taken the liberty to mend in that last paragraph was the parenthesis punctuation - a comma is supposed to precede a closing quotation mark rather than after. It's best to clarify this by another example:

quote:

'Eldrangier.', he said, ' Watch out below, will you?'


should be:

quote:

'Eldrangier,' he said, ' Watch out below, will you?'


2) Pacing issues: From your first chapter, I realized that your pacing, quite frankly, needs some work. This is mostly caused by your cramming too many events into too few words in one single chapter. Let me clarify this a little more - just in the first chapter alone, the following events happened:

  • The hero, his dragon, a fellow dragon lord and Artix's paladins are chasing a shadow dragon.
  • The dragon broke from the hero and engaged in one-on-one combat with the shadow dragon and was apparently lost in combat.
  • The shadow dragon was captured but the hero's dragon was nowhere to be found, to which he grieved and was comforted by friends and comrades.
  • The hero's dragon was found a short while later.

    You literally have the material for one entire story arc crammed into at most a thousand words. There's an opening, a conflict, a climax and a closing, each of which could be so much expanded upon to further flesh out your characters, your setting, your plot, your everything. That you did not expand upon these premises have multiple unfortunate consequences. First, the characters' emotions were unclear, vague, shallow, if not one-dimensional and fake. Secondly, the fact that owing to the limited words, you had to resort to telling, for example, "Arthur panicked" did not help at all. Third, it is still unclear what the point of the entire conflict arc was about. What is the point of having the dragon being separated from the hero if he's about to be reunited with him literally a few hundred words later? What is the point of trying to make the hero's loss of the dragon (which, as mentioned above, didn't really happen) touching and pronounced, when it is not going to have any long-term impact on the plot? Unless these questions are answered, the development of your story, at least as far as the first chapter went, is quite... may I say random?

    To compound on the already heavy pacing issues, you also happened to be using a lot of exposition where they are not needed from a plot perspective. For instance, why did the hero have to tell the dragon lord that it's Artix's paladins, when from an in-character perspective the dragon lord is more than likely to know about these elite men (Because, you know, that's THE Artix von Krieger we're talking about here)? This exposition cuts away from the story's flow, makes it unnecessarily clunky and, most of all, does not add anything meaningful to the flow.

    My suggestion to mend this is, quite simply, to write more on that chapter. Elaborate on the situation with more description. Flesh out the hero's reaction to seemingly losing his dragon and build his personality from that basis. Slow down the entire chapter. In my opinion, you don't need to proceed that quickly at the expense of the flaws I mentioned above.

    Overall, as I said, this piece is decently written as far as technicalities go - there are few grammar/spelling errors, though you might still have to watch out for punctuation and capitalization. However, there are a lot of things you might want to edit in order to improve this piece, in my opinion. In a nutshell, slow down, describe more, flesh out your characters and cut down on the exposition and you'd be on your way to create a compelling first chapter.

    Good luck, and battle on!
  • DF  Post #: 5
    10/10/2011 13:30:49   
      Dwelling Dragonlord

    ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


    @Arthur Dragonlord: Got some reading done.

    quote:

    as the dragon zipped after the black shadow


    his

    Why were they hunting the shadow dragon?

    quote:

    Falconreach was a beautiful seaside village with a nice breeze blowing at all times


    Falconreach is a town by now, if not a city. It has walls and a private army of guardians and dragonlords to defend itself and it's many inhabitants. Clearly not some village. It would be like saying my character was raised by a frail old man whose magic could not lit a candle.
    AQ DF AQW  Post #: 6
    10/10/2011 13:52:10   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    @ argeus, i understand, you are completely right about the pacing, i was in fact in a hurry when i wrote the first chapter, thanks for telling me about the formatting technique, i'll work on the chapter one again.
    @dwelling, i was infact confused about that part, thanks for being a frequent reader and also for the typos.


    Al in all, people, expect a rewritten chapter 1 and the newly formatted chapter 3 to the story.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
    10/10/2011 20:38:33   
    lordkaho
    Creative!


    Let me guess, a certain dragon merged with a certain shadow eh? Anyway, I think there's no need to designate the paladins as "elite" or "best", as Argeus said, you should expand on them with details to add depth instead of just labelling them like that.
    DF MQ  Post #: 8
    10/11/2011 4:04:41   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    @lordkaho, you got that right.
    I'll work on it.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 9
    10/11/2011 5:03:28   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    Ladies and gentlemen, the revamped chapter 1 is up, hope all your doubts are cleared, I shall now be working on chapter 3.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 10
    10/11/2011 6:58:53   
    Argeus the Paladin
    Member

    Hmmm... Yes, this version has definitely improved. The opening paragraph is pretty good aside for some minor errors, for one.

    However, I realize that much of my suggestion had gone unanswered. The single-speaker-per-paragraph format was not adopted. The hero's personality remains bland and hastily built. While the pacing is now a little less rushed, the crux of the chapter's problem remained unsolved - an entire story arc in just one chapter. I would suggest that you split this chapter into two, the first part consisting of the chase, the black dragon's capture and the hero's reaction, and the second consisting of the visit to Lady Elysia. Needless to say, such a split would require much more writing, but also ample opportunity to flesh out the personality of your main character.

    I'd strongly advise you to take your time - writing is not something you can rush. Take it slowly and flesh things out as much as you can in one chapter before moving on to the next.

    Good luck and battle on!
    DF  Post #: 11
    10/12/2011 8:42:51   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    That's a good idea, I'll just put up the 3rd chapter and then work on the re-revamping.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 12
    10/12/2011 11:14:15   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    People, chapter 3 is up, it's got a bit of news from the evil side and a bit of action too.
    You'll know who's behind the plot, I'll clarify what's left in the next chapter.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 13
    10/12/2011 18:34:45   
    Shadow Ravena
    Paladin of Shadows


    Hmm, interesting. I have to agree with paladin here- too much content in too little space, but the making of a great story are there.
    One question- what contrey is the boy suppose to be from? I've never heard of it before. That, and kids don't fall asleep in a minute if they're really excited. Might want to make him look drowsy beforehand.
    Well, an enjoyable read to be sure
    AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 14
    10/12/2011 20:09:54   
    lordkaho
    Creative!


    quote:

    after 5 steps or so


    I think it's better that you spell it out, i.e. "five".

    quote:

    A dark snake like shadow snaked its way up


    I suggest using the word "slithered" as an alternative. Try to avoid using repeating words in a single sentence.

    quote:

    What's wrong with you!!!


    quote:

    Arrrrrrthurrrrrr issssss caaaaaalllllliiiiiinnnnnggg meeeeee!!!!!!


    Also, try to avoid using too much exclamation points. It makes the dialog sound too childish.

    And last but not the least, could you try separating the dialog? Sometimes I can't figure out who's talking to whom.

    Anyway, was that really Sepulchure? The way you portray him is kinda iffy. Reminds me of a certain sorcerer instead.

    DF MQ  Post #: 15
    10/14/2011 5:45:08   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    @tigerlady, I am guessing we can't make our own locations?
    @lordkaho, this chapter reveals something about his appearance.

    Guys, chapter 4 is up. On the next update, I'll release the revamped chapter 1.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 16
    10/15/2011 5:15:00   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    Chapter 1 re revamped, not much editing in part 1, but a huge lot in part 2, do read and comment.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 17
    10/15/2011 5:44:34   
    lordkaho
    Creative!


    Glad to see the changes especially on part 2. Chapter 1 seemed somehow "shorter" than the original though, but I'm not very sure. Either I forgot or you gave it a complete overhaul.

    By the way, Crusian really reminds me of Mortarion after his "change".
    DF MQ  Post #: 18
    10/15/2011 8:04:19   
      Dwelling Dragonlord

    ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


    @Arthur Dragonlord: We leave the realm of mortals to enter the realm of gods here.

    quote:

    the Necrotic Blade of Doom was broken and lying on the floor in front of him, it's former glory, lost.


    Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the Stranger absorb Sepulchure's blade before merging with Drakath's body?

    quote:

    it is now time to tend to your wounds, it will be long before you are physically healed


    It didn't seem to bother Sepulchure much, but then again he is no longer human.
    AQ DF AQW  Post #: 19
    10/15/2011 8:15:56   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    @lordkaho, really? Thats cool.
    @dwelling, i intend to portray that the sword is there, just that it's energy is stolen, look for chapter 5 if you are still confused.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 20
    10/15/2011 8:20:41   
      Dwelling Dragonlord

    ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


    @Arthur Dragonlord: You mean the spirit of darkness that used to possess the blade and ordered Sepulchure around?
    AQ DF AQW  Post #: 21
    10/15/2011 8:24:02   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    You are partly right, but Dwelling, ask no more or you'll ruin what i have in mind for the next chapter.

    People, mysterious character up next, is someone even more powerful than Sepulchure currently is?
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 22
    10/24/2011 11:46:10   
    Arthur
    How We Roll Winner
    Dec14


    New chapter is up, a story with lots of action and origins.

    Sorry for the story stopping up in between, but the work will progress slowly here on out.
    DF MQ AQW  Post #: 23
    10/24/2011 12:14:29   
      Dwelling Dragonlord

    ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


    I must say that I found it to be an anti-climax when the battle with his hated enemy came so soon though.

    Sir Pulchure was Alteon's greatest knight who went astray after lacking the strength to save a loved one, here I see nothing, know nothing what would hint at the young man's past or status. He might as well be the son of a dragonlord or a peasant in your story.

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: Argeus the Paladin

    The hero's personality remains bland and hastily built. While the pacing is now a little less rushed, the crux of the chapter's problem remained unsolved - an entire story arc in just one chapter.


    After some reflection, it became apparent you returned to your previous errors. Please Arthur, this story has potential, it really does, but you must stop rushing these things. The entire chapter could win the hearts of dozens, if not hundreds of readers, but as it is nobody will feel the suspense it can create. Take a break to clear your mind and re-read the chapter and I'm sure you'll do your story justice.

    Who knows, perhaps you'll find the time to take a glance at my story?

    < Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 10/24/2011 12:31:40 >
    AQ DF AQW  Post #: 24
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