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Compressed Meaning C&C (New Poem Nov 21)

 
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11/22/2009 19:33:46   
Shreder
Member

Here is the place to post any comments, corrections or suggestions on my poetry, which can be found here: Compressed Meaning

Important Notice: I have started a second poetry thread in which I am posting translations of Chinese poetry. All comments for that can ALSO go here. Here is a link.




I Hear the World Singing

I wrote this over a year ago, as a project for school. I was supposed to write a poem inspired by Walt Whitman's excellent poem I Hear America Singing. After thinking about it for a bit, I came up with the idea that it would be a poem in which I compare the lives of all people throughout history to a song, and have them each singing their part in the song. And the poem you just read is what I ended up with.




Cat

I wrote this maybe a month ago, after I came across the L&L section of the forums and decided to try writing more of my own poetry. It basically talks about how even though we have "tamed" our pets, some hints of their previous instincts still remain, although now seem somewhat out of place.




Time

The main inspiration for this poem was from a song I heard played after an inspirational talk I heard at a summer camp I went to. You will not be able to find the song online, strange as that may sound, but the meaning of that song gave me the idea for this poem. So I wrote a poem about how our lives are short, and we must realize this and live them that we might have no regrets.




Writer's Block

I think this poem is pretty self explanatory, I wrote this poem on a whim, because inspiration suddenly broke through the wall.




A Tree Falls

While modern technology has rendered that particular philosophical question obsolete, I wrote a poem making fun of all the people who argued over it in the past, asking why they would argue about such an impossibility. For in truth in every forest there would be animals to hear the tree fall, and even if there weren't the sound waves would still be produced, even if there was nothing to hear them.




Blessed Escape

This started out as nothing more than a poem about how beautiful it is underwater when you are scuba diving, but later I went back and added that last stanza, giving it a whole new meaning. All in all I think it is all the better for that addition.




Seasons of Life

I wrote this poem late at night, when I was really only about half awake, which explains the lack of form or rhyme. Even so, you will note that I still managed to punctuate and capitalize profusely, I guess old habits die hard.




Sleeping Dragon

I wrote this poem because I got that one line from Frost's Stopping By the Woods on a Snowy Evening stuck in my head, and this is what I came up with. As far as I can tell, there isn't really much in the way of deeper meaning in this one. However, I was experimenting with a rhyme scheme I came up with, where in each four line stanza lines 1, 2, and 4 rhyme, while 3 is a slant rhyme.




Birdsong

I consider this to be one of my best poems. A simple appreciation of the beauty of nature. Short, sweet, and to the point. Especially those last lines.




Hope Springs Eternal in His Love

Really the first poem here that shows I am Christian. The first few lines of this poem just randomly came to me one day, so I typed them up, and then elaborated. I'm fairly happy with the result. That last stanza is a little rough, but I don't really see how I could change it and still keep the meaning.




Tears

I think it turned out rather well, especially the last three lines. Oh and just to avoid confusion, the speaker is crying over the bodies of the dead, and it then begins to rain, as if the weather were mirroring his emotions.




Sun and Snow: A Tilted Planet

Not a lot of deeper meaning in this one, but just a poem about how the world has different seasons because it is tilted, and how it can be snowing in one place and sunny in another on the same day.




Journey of a Leaf

Ok, I will admit: when I wrote this, it was nothing more then a poem about a leaf being blown away from the tree. But after I wrote it, I went back and looked at it again; and I saw that it could be taken to have a couple of different deeper meanings. The first is that the leaf represents a person, who does not want to die; does not want to leave this life, for fear of what will come after. Or you could interpret it as a young adult, about to leave home a live on his/her own. The choice is yours.

< Message edited by Shreder -- 11/21/2012 19:10:41 >
DF MQ  Post #: 1
11/23/2009 20:51:39   
Shreder
Member

New poem is up. Take a look: Untitled

Here are my thoughts:

The "instrument" in this poem is my classical guitar, but it could really be a number of instruments. I wrote this poem sort of as an appreciation of the power and beauty of music. I think the style and feel are somewhat similar to Adrienne Rich's poem "Diving into the Wreck". (If you have time go read it, it's quite good.)

< Message edited by shreder110 -- 12/9/2009 1:24:50 >
DF MQ  Post #: 2
11/24/2009 5:24:05   
Crimzon5
Member

Writer's block was my favorite :D
Nice ending

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 3
11/24/2009 9:46:14   
Shreder
Member

Thank you. Ironic as it may be, the idea for that poem came to me when I had a writer's block and couldn't think of what to write a poem about. Then it hit me.
DF MQ  Post #: 4
12/5/2009 6:09:32   
Shreder
Member

Another new poem up: I do not claim to be a poet

This poem is fairly self-explanatory, just by reading the title you should be able to guess.

< Message edited by shreder110 -- 12/9/2009 1:25:30 >
DF MQ  Post #: 5
12/5/2009 18:12:01   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiyas!

Just a short comment. =) I read what you have posted so far and found your poetry beautiful and peaceful. My favourite ones would probably be Untitled, Tears, and Writer's Block.

I have to comment, though, that in Writer's Block the shift in the pronoun near the end of the poem felt a little odd. You first talk about 'he' and the, all of the sudden, you switch it to 'I'. I'm merely wondering why this switch was neccessary? Couldn't the whole poem be written from the same POV/with the same pronoun?

Untitled was simply beautiful, simple yet intertwining both the experience of interpreting music and feeling emotion through it with poetry. I felt connecting with this one on several levels.

About Tears: eventhough combining tears with rain over bodies hewn in war isn't something exactly new, I still think the way you have written this one still hits home and the rhymes just complete the picture.

Hmm, that must be all I had to say this time. =)
DF  Post #: 6
12/5/2009 20:08:10   
Shreder
Member

Thanks for the comments Fabula!

I realize that the shift in Writer's Block is somewhat unusual, but I feel that the sudden change helps keep the reader on their toes. I know that normally, especially in prose, tense shifting is a big no-no, but in this case I personally feel it works.

Really? Personally I've never read any poetry or prose that has the combination of tears and rain on a battlefield. But I suppose there is nothing new under the sun right?

Anyways thanks for you comments, I would greatly appreciate it if you were to comment on the rest of my poetry as well. *wink wink nudge nudge*
DF MQ  Post #: 7
12/9/2009 1:15:30   
Shreder
Member

Another new poem up. This one might be called "experimental" at best.

Insanity

This is, as I mentioned above, something of an experimental poem, written both from the point of view of and about insanity, as the title would suggest. C&C especially welcome on this one, I'd like to see what people think.

< Message edited by shreder110 -- 12/9/2009 1:26:35 >
DF MQ  Post #: 8
12/13/2009 8:21:03   
Shreder
Member

New poem: I'll Find No Rest.

Yes I finally broke down and did it. I wrote a poem about a zombie apocalypse. Anyways, overused as it may be, I'm happy with the final result. This is one of the few poems I've ever written in more than one sitting. Anyways read, maybe enjoy, hopefully critique...?



< Message edited by shreder110 -- 12/13/2009 8:22:06 >
DF MQ  Post #: 9
12/13/2009 8:46:28   
Shreder
Member

And another:

Grief

Very sad poem. I nearly cried writing it, if that tells you anything. (I'm not normally the crying type.) Anyways if I have to explain it it's a poem from the point of few of someone, I interpret a father but it could go either way, who has just had to bury their child, and are still reeling from the grief of it. Check it out, comment. (Please?)
DF MQ  Post #: 10
12/14/2009 9:14:42   
Shreder
Member

Another new poem up: The Face of an Angel

I wrote this one for "The Book of Winter" project that Eukara Vox has going on right now. A bit different from most of my poems, as I made to no attempt to make it rhyme, but I think it's good. I think it is fairly self explanatory, though the answer to the question posed is up to you.

< Message edited by shreder110 -- 12/14/2009 9:18:29 >
DF MQ  Post #: 11
12/14/2009 23:41:02   
Shreder
Member

And yet another new poem:

Cloud Watching by Night

I think this one is pretty good, if a bit repetitive in places. And the last two lines really connect it with several of my other poems.
DF MQ  Post #: 12
12/15/2009 21:09:07   
Shreder
Member

And another new poem:

Tick, Tock

Not the best, simply a spur of the moment thing. Yet another poem about one of my favorite subject, Time.
DF MQ  Post #: 13
12/20/2009 21:07:15   
Shreder
Member

New poem:

Flames

A fairly simple and self-explanatory poem.
DF MQ  Post #: 14
12/21/2009 0:46:12   
ringulreith
Member

I just thread through your red. (urr, red through your thread) I like your style. My favourites so far are 'I'll find no rest' and 'insanity'. The latter made me chuckle.

Keep writing!

< Message edited by ont -- 12/21/2009 0:47:27 >
Post #: 15
12/21/2009 0:52:55   
Mistermafio
Member

You remind me of myself, but more talented.

Experiment more, it suits you.
AQ  Post #: 16
12/22/2009 8:46:21   
Shreder
Member

@ont: Thank you.

@mistermafio: I take that as a compliment :P And ok, I take that into consideration.

But seriously, nobody has any corrections?...Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait till Fabula gets around to doing my Workshop Critique.
DF MQ  Post #: 17
12/22/2009 9:15:41   
Shreder
Member

I finished up a poem I started the other day:

Flight at Dawn

Again, this one is pretty self explanatory. It was written based on an image that randomly came to mind the other day: that of being a bird flying at the first breaking of dawn, and shadows and light intertwine to make the miracle of flight even more magical.
DF MQ  Post #: 18
12/22/2009 11:30:19   
ringulreith
Member

Cloud Watching By Night:
quote:


A night breeze blows, across the land

I believe the comma there isn't required. Saying it out loud, it flows better without it. Just my opinion, however, so take as you will. :)

And another comma I think would be better not there:
quote:


I lay alone, in empty field


Another comma:
quote:


The clouds, by gentle cross-winds fanned


Once again, I want to remind you these are only my opinions, so take them as you will. Read the poem aloud, then you can decide for yourself. After all, you are the only one who knows how the poem should sound.

I saw the face of an angel:
quote:


Were contained within the starry orbs

Something is wrong with this line. I think it should say 'her' instead of 'the', but then, that changes the entire meaning. Maybe the person critiquing you from the workshop will have a better idea.

Grief:
quote:


My knees feel trembley and weak.

I think that should be 'trembly'. I think... At least Google agrees with me...

I'll find no rest:
quote:


They restless roam the barren land.

That should be either 'the' instead of 'they', or 'restlessly' instead of 'restless'.

Sleeping Dragon:
quote:


She is as stone, with scales red.

I think you should add another adjective before 'red', such as 'bright' or 'crimson' or whatnot.

Time:
quote:


Our hopes do crumble down to dirt.
And down to dust, our dreams.

I'd just like to say I loved those two lines. That's all. xd

That's all for now. I hope I didn't overwelm you. Also, please take my suggestions lightly. I don't claim to be a professional poet. What I might think is wrong might be indeed correct.

Keep writing!
Post #: 19
12/22/2009 19:35:57   
Shreder
Member

Thanks a lot! Up until now no one has said anything but praise, and while that's very nice, it's not actually going to help me improve. Now on to answering your corrections:

Cloud Watching By Night: I know those commas aren't required, but I feel that they help to make the poem flow the way I intended. Some people like to disregard punctuation while writing poetry, I, if anything, often go too far in the other direction.

Face of an Angel: I changed "the" to "those" which seems to help. What do you think?

Grief: Yes you are correct. That line looked strange when I wrote it, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Sleeping Dragon: I know it seems a little under-written, but I kinda want to keep that line the way it is to preserve some small semblance of meter. On further thought, I think I understand. When I read it out loud, I am reading it as if "scales" were two syllables, while you may have been reading it as one, hence the difference.

Time: Yes, in all humility I rather like those lines myself.

I'll Find No Rest: It may not be modern style, but it seems correct to me. I recall reading a similar line somewhere, I just can't remember where.

Overwhelm me? Not at all. Any suggestions or corrections you have are more than welcome. I greatly appreciate all feedback.

< Message edited by shreder110 -- 12/22/2009 21:57:51 >
DF MQ  Post #: 20
12/22/2009 22:25:01   
ringulreith
Member

Heeh. I know that feeling.

For I saw the face of an angel, yes, I think 'those' fits better.

Cloud watching by night--Fine with me. It really isn't a technical error, just how you want the poem to flow.

I'll find no rest: I understand. In all honesty, that line actually sounds really good and the (im)proper grammar sort of fits the mood.

Sleeping Dragon: If scales is ment to be pronounced with two syllables, there's no problem. For the life of me, however, I don't know how to do that. :)

By the way, loved your new poem. Found no mistakes in it (as of yet). I think it ranks up there as one of your best poems.

Edit: found a slight mistake in flight at dawn:
quote:


A rising draft of warm uplifting air--
Propels me sunward, midst the changing sky.

Those two lines don't have the same syllable count (10:9). Unless that was your intention, either remove 'warm' from the first line or change 'midst' to 'amidst' in the second line. There are probably other choices, but those are the two I can think of right now.

I think that's all.

< Message edited by ont -- 12/22/2009 22:30:11 >
Post #: 21
12/22/2009 22:32:09   
Shreder
Member

Erm..."Scay-ells" I would say...Lol.

Anyways, thanks so much for all your comments. You need to hurry up and post some more in you Eng 101 thread, cause I want to read more your stuff.

Edit:...I don't know, those both look like ten syllables to me:
A Ri-Sing Draft Of Warm Up-Lift-Ing Air
Pro-Pels Me Sun-Ward, Midst The Chang-Ing Sky

< Message edited by shreder110 -- 12/22/2009 22:34:39 >
DF MQ  Post #: 22
12/22/2009 22:49:30   
ringulreith
Member

Hmm. Must've misscounted. Well, that's all I could find in it. Nice poem.
Post #: 23
12/22/2009 22:50:58   
Shreder
Member

Lol don't worry. It's probably late for you.
DF MQ  Post #: 24
12/30/2009 13:46:03   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiyas! Since you've waited for quite a long time already, I thought I'd post the first part of my critique for your workshop request for you to read while I'm still typing stuff for the rest of the poems.

So, here's the response for your request in the workshop, part 1, first six poems:

I Hear the World Singing

Whenever I see the words 'hear' and 'sing' in a poem title, the 'Do you hear the people sing' from Les Miserables starts to instantly play in my head. Odd, eh?

Imo, there's solemn regality in this poem, and the slow stride of it makes it very peaceful to read. When I found a little problematic here was that I didn't quite get why were the people singing and what exactly determined the joys and sorrows in the song? Where is the link between what the people own:
quote:

Singing what is his or hers.

and the song filling with sorrow and joy:
quote:

The song is filled with joy and sorrow,


As the origin of these feelings is left out, it feels a very distancing element in the poem and moves me away from it as a reader. Maybe you could tell us where do the joys and sorrows come to the song?

Cat
Due to the contents and setting (human -cat interaction and the nature of a cat), this poem reminds me of some classical poems of cats such as Tolkien's 'Cat' or 'Pangur Bán' by an Irish Monk from the 8th century. Then again, the first two lines of the first stanza reminded me of Elnaith's poem, ' Scene' on these forums. Funny how one poem may connect into several others in the reader's head, don't you think?

Imo, this is a very cosy poem, actually, despite all the pincushioning. I definitely like it, but then again I might be biased since it's about a cat. =P What baffles me here is why you have the quotation marks around only one sentence when all the rest of the poem is directed at the cat. Should all of it be in quotation marks or in italics as a thought?

Another minor thing would be two missing or deliberately left-out articles. For me, both of these would work as well with the grammatically correct articles in there:
quote:

Like a spring uncoiled he pounces

quote:

For yours is served in a plastic bowl.


Time

Hmm, I like the rhymes here, they feel quite natural and not overwhelming, with almost of a sneaky-quality, hiding in every other line and the other lines going without. The ending is a bit peculiar to me, and I /know/ I'm nitpicking now, but I'm not sure if the thought I read from there was the thought you wanted to portray. You see, in the last stanza:
quote:

That if we were to die right now,
And leave this world today,
We would have no regrets nor doubts,
And nothing left to say.

I come in with the idea that the regrets would be about holding something in and not saying it, yet the last line seems more pessimistic than that, as if the life wasn't fullest, because how could one live without regrets and doubts and if then died suddenly, he would have nothing left to say?

I don't know, but purrhaps you meant that there would be 'no words unsaid', which slightly differs from the tone that 'nothing left to say' has, although at a quick glance they look the same. I fear I must be making no sense to you at this point...

Let me put it this way: 'I have nothing left to say' is something my mind puts in a mouth of someone who is so done with someone else that they need not to speak to them anymore. On the other hand, 'I'll leave nothing unsaid' would describe someone so open they hide nothing.

Unfortunately, 'and leave nothing unsaid' wrecks the rhyme. But maybe, you'll see what I mean about the last line now, and how it, in my head (it may be the only head where this is happening, I'm aware of that, lol), is in contradiction with what the poem otherwise is delivering.

Going nitpicky on articles as well, I wonder why there's a definite article in
quote:

In the blink of an eye, it seems.

Why is it 'the' blink? I'd go with the regular 'in a blink of an eye' here, personally.

Writer’s Block

This one I already commented. I read your answer about the shifting pronoun, and I do see your point. Imo, it's a fine poem, indeed and I do appreciate the fact that if the title would be taken out or shifted to something less definite, the poem could describe also other contradictions within oneself, and not 'just' a writer's block. =)

A Tree Falls

I have a question here, (again, surprise!) what are you referring to with the 'impossibility'? Surely not to the situation of a tree falling? Now my personal view on arguing such a matter are guiding me to think that maybe you were going for the word 'an irrelevancy'? This impression on me is further enhanced by the lines:
quote:

One that has been argued and re-argued
Debated and re-debated.

because with my presumptions on the matter I see these two lines just illustrating the futility of such a discussion. I do understand that this is just because of my personal take on philosophical questions like this one, so I do understand if your interpretation for this poem is different.

Blessed Escape

Lovely imagery in this poem, I like the words 'engulfing', 'myriad', the imagery of seeing through glasses, etc. Some might argue that you could use other words for describing colour instead of repeating the words blue and green, for example, you could have 'azure fish' and 'emerald coral', but for me it works both ways. I'm just typing this out, in case you hadn't considered that yet. Anyways, I find this to be a peaceful and beautiful piece with room for interpretation: either escapist, someone taking a break from the havoc, purrhaps depicting a child hiding from the raging wars around him in an imaginary world or someone committing suicide.




EDIT: Editing in comments for three more poems, so that this has now the comments for 9/18 poems and is officially the part 1/2 of the requested critique:

Seasons of Life

I do enjoy the relaxed pace of the poem and how the seasons and stages of life are contrasted with breaking them down in similar lines, each word on its own.

Having read a bunch of Japanese poetry, where seasons are especially often used as metaphors for the stages of life, I did have the thought that maybe your poem would need an extra something to add to its theme. Because only comparing the stages and seasons is for a reader like me something I'm in a too familiar territory with. I like to be surprised by what I read, connect to it, think differently,and so forth. Maybe the key is in the questions you have already included in the end:
quote:

Sometimes I wonder:
Which will end first?


Why would the seasons or the cycle of life end? That would be something out of the box, imho. Please do remember that this is just my personal view on the poem, though.

Sleeping Dragon
A poem with lovely imagery and a sense of mystery. I like the rhyming as well, this is worded nicely and flowingly. =)

Yet I'd wish for more elaboration on the content itself, what does the dragon do in the forest, why is she more dead than alive and what would happen if she left? Would the world burn or would the forest die?

Sometimes, presenting a mystery is a tricky thing as giving too much makes the reader lazy as they don't have to interpret it themselves and giving out too little may leave them too confused to be able to interpret it. I feel a bit left in the dark with this, I guess that's what I'm trying to say. But, as with all of your poems, it's completely for you to decide what you want to disclose.

Birdsong

A completely adorable short poem. =) I love how you have managed to portray the sound through imagery in words. Especially the line:
quote:

Released upon the wind by upturned throat.

just nails it.

My only nitpicking would again be about articles: I'd personally include the indefinite 'an' into the line quoted above -> 'Released upon the wind by an upturned throat.'



Not finished with the request yet, to state the obvious. =P More to come in a separate post =)

EDIT2: Just to let you know, I'll have the other post ready for you tomorrow/Friday as I only have the comments for four more poems to go through and type out.

< Message edited by fabula -- 12/30/2009 18:24:24 >
DF  Post #: 25
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