Home  | Login  | Register  | Help  | Play 

=AQ= Truphma Camps Chronicles commentary

 
Logged in as: Guest
  Printable Version
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> AE Fanfiction Discussion >> =AQ= Truphma Camps Chronicles commentary
Page 1 of 3123>
Forum Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
2/21/2013 0:33:15   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Got a comment? A question about a story submitted for the adventure into the camps? Post here!

Compilation Thread: =AQ= Truphma Camps Chronicles
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
2/23/2013 15:09:19   
Disc Lorde
Member

My first chapter is up. Comments and criticism are appreciated.
AQ  Post #: 2
2/23/2013 16:38:25   
The Gambler
Member

Good start from you, Disc Lorde. Hehe. Even threw in some of Cer's snideness, I noticed. Though maybe a little backwards to an extent. Cerrana supports creativity more than anything in this kind of event. Creativity and free will.

< Message edited by The Gambler -- 2/23/2013 16:40:40 >
AQ  Post #: 3
2/23/2013 18:44:26   
Spendin
Member

Day 4 is up.
Also I have edited Day 1 a bit. Gave it a bit more life if you know what I mean.
AQ DF  Post #: 4
2/23/2013 21:21:24   
Trainz_07
Member

Reviews for some of the stories I've read thus far:

@Undersoul A solid premise with a flavorful hint of humor, especially in the skit with Cysero, which I thought hilarious. The transition of your character from the previous war to the Truphma camps was smooth as well. Keep it up.

Edit: Just read your third entry, I applaud Lord Scorpio's method of announcing himself. Another thing, while I appreciate your journal-style writing which I do find appealing, I would like to recommend more paragraph splitting (I admit it's a pet peeve of mine). It makes your writing much easier to read.

@Disc Lorde

quote:

sipping a moglinberry juice


I suggest omitting the 'a', since moglinberry juice is uncountable, so to speak. Unless you were to add something like 'a cup of' before it.

quote:

"What is it Cerry?" Astreaea asked. "See for yourself," Cerrana replied, and passed Astreaea the letter.


I recommend splitting the paragraphs whenever another character starts speaking, no matter how short their dialogue is.

quote:

Astreaea read it....

Disc Lorde read it...


Nothing wrong here, but perhaps (this is strictly my personal preference) you could phrase the second part differently. Even though the actions are the same, variations in the wording will help make your story much more interesting.

quote:

said Astreaea, splitting the word


spitting you mean?

quote:

they were interupted


Interrupted.


Overall a solid piece as well. I liked how the setting is in an inn, very adventurer-like. The only criticism in regards to the plot is perhaps you could lengthen their conversation a bit before Yulgar delivered the message. Good luck to you!


@Tep Itaki

quote:

the question suddenly popped up as Tep waltzed by the couch, as Rixi lazily snoozed while she cuddled with Yuki(the small nerfkitten).


Again it is my personal preference, but perhaps you could segregate this part into two sentences to even out the pacing, so to speak.

quote:

she gracefully prance


Pranced.

quote:

"Don't come closer to me you evil woman,"


Should be 'don't come any closer.' Since she did already take a step forward.

quote:

Suite yourself


Suit


An excellent chapter, I have to commend you for writing a nautical chapter (I fare poorly at those, I still had to google starboard and port side). The dynamic between Tep and Tetra was humorous and I enjoyed reading about it, though I still don't understand why her mood darkened at one part. Looking forward to more.

EDIT: @Spendin Critique as requested.

quote:

I merely doing this job because I was lacking anything else to do.


A little confusion about the tenses. A better way to phrase it perhaps is: 'I merely accepted the job because I lacked anything to do that day.'

quote:

found my personal blade, Silent Demise; Silent Demise is a large, single edged, metallic sword forged to my desires


This is about flow. Since you already mentioned the name of your sword, perhaps you could omit the second 'silent demise'. E.g.: '...personal blade, Silent Demise, a large, single edged....

quote:

My assassin training is incomplete but efficient


Should be was. I'm not sure if efficient is appropriate in this context. You are referring to the progress of your training right?

quote:

white suits paroling


patrolling

quote:

That skirmish was enough noise


Noise is a noun, therefore, you should phrase it differently. E.g.: The skirmish caused enough noise...

quote:

Whatever is happening


was

quote:

These conflicts seemed to be incredibly annoying


Hmm. By 'seemed', you imply that there is a hint of doubt, making the sentence sound a bit confusing.

quote:

I completely forgot that I abandoned my assignment


a 'had' should be added before 'abandoned'.

quote:

I should be real angry when I find out you haven't been working


should be found?

quote:

some crises


Crisis


Right, after reading your story I can see that you have a lot of ideas going on, which is great, but perhaps you could benefit in slowing down the pace of your story a bit. At times things can seem very rushed. Focus a little on description and pacing. Also, split paragraphs where appropriate, it makes for easier reading.

Your character is an interesting one in that he isn't the typical hero, at some point you'll have to define his motivation for fighting the Truphma though. Good luck to you!

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 2/25/2013 21:02:58 >
AQ  Post #: 5
2/23/2013 21:40:59   
Spendin
Member

I feel invisible.
Criticize me!
AQ DF  Post #: 6
2/23/2013 22:20:19   
Disc Lorde
Member

@Gambler: Thanks. Hmm, I didn't know Cerrana strongly supported creativity. Free will I knew she supported, but not creativity. Dialogue adjusted.

@Trainz: Thanks. I tried to take edit in all your spell checks and I adjusted the wording a bit. I'll try to find ways to extend dialogue in my future writing.
AQ  Post #: 7
2/23/2013 23:00:28   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


Hmm..To all those that feel ignored, please don't feel that way, I've read your stories but currently working a large review with the war stories. I will work on the reviews after I finish it...It's going slowly though. Sorry for the wait but please be patient with me >.<;;

Seems like Trainz is gonna be the reviewer here, thank goodness :3

@Trainz: I'll get working with the corrections after I finished. Thank you for your input as I feel like growing a bit and facepalming myself for overlooking some grammars that could have been avoided if I hadn't rushed. Also, thanks for the compliment but I had to pull open google for the terms as well XD

But looking back, I could use Elryn's writing as an example to set a tone when they're on the boat.

@below: AHAHAHAHA! XD Nice one

True I should proofread. Thanks again.

< Message edited by Tep Itaki -- 2/24/2013 8:36:57 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
2/23/2013 23:43:35   
Trainz_07
Member

quote:

some grammars that could have been avoided if I hadn't rush


Should be rushed. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist >.<

Well you needn't worry too much about grammatical errors. The ones in your stories are almost always just little hiccups. Just remember to proof read, and don't beat yourself up for it (I have plenty of errors in my writings actually)

EDIT: neo_manni

After reading your story, I can see that you have a penchant for humor, which I enjoyed reading. I would recommend that you proofread and eliminate the grammatical errors, especially those of punctuation. Remember to add commas where relevant, put full stops after the end of each sentences and capitalize the first letter of every sentence. Give it a little polish, and I'm sure your story will shine, good luck to you!

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 2/24/2013 8:42:52 >
AQ  Post #: 9
2/24/2013 1:40:31   
neo_manni
Member

Trainz_07 @ what about me??
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 10
2/24/2013 17:03:19   
battlemaster25
Member

Posted the first chapter of my own story. I hope everyone enjoys it, I'm still rather uncertain of my writing skills.
AQ  Post #: 11
2/24/2013 23:54:09   
Trainz_07
Member

@battlemaster 25

I think your chapter is a good, solid piece which really helps pave the way for future installments. The pacing is good, there's a nice, smooth sense of flow in your writing, and I liked how you mentioned the dull dragons. The grammatical errors are also minimal (if not non-existent). My only critique would be that perhaps you could insert a little more imagery, such as describing the state of the desert at midnight. Looking forward to more chapters.



On a side note, I have also posted my own story, which I hope you'll enjoy. Comments and critique are all welcomed

Also, I prepared a little glossary, which you can refer to if you want.

Glossary:

Binder: A substance that causes components of a mixture to cohere. It's used to make sure the paint sticks to the canvas, paper, etc.

Cumulus: A type of cloud characterized by its puffy, white appearance, with flat bases and tops.

Cumulonimbus: Basically an enlarged version of the cumulus, these kinds of clouds are usually associated with storm clouds.

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 2/25/2013 0:07:51 >
AQ  Post #: 12
2/25/2013 0:11:10   
Tep Itaki
Friendly!


@Trainz: Funny how I'm scouring your war story and now this XD

Solid chapter with no grammar mistakes I can see. Until I go through it with a fine tooth comb >3 The way you can weave an imagery and combine it some words that effectively increases a reader's vocab. Nicely done. I see you've also incorporated some of Elryn's writing from the war story. Hmm...making raining paint huh? I can't wait to read more. Lookng forward to it!

Now back to my slow review XD
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 13
2/25/2013 1:12:48   
UnderSoul
Member

@Trainz Thanks!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 14
2/25/2013 15:29:35   
Darquess
Member

Dyson and Grey are back, with another stroy, fight and flight on the cards.

All unfamiliar with the two hero's are gently suggested to go here:

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=21070799

to see their first story.

Hope you enjoy!

And as always....

_____________________________

IN DARKNESS TAKEN
AS I WILL
SO MOTE IT BE!!!
Post #: 15
2/25/2013 18:25:26   
kors
Member

Think I might join in on this now... I will have more than enough free time tomorrow!(Yay for sick siblings and a college going mom who needs a free baby sitter for a couple of hours!)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 16
2/25/2013 19:46:27   
Trainz_07
Member

Thanks Tep, and I guess Elryn's superb writing style got stuck in my mind one way or another XD
AQ  Post #: 17
2/25/2013 22:18:40   
neo_manni
Member

Trainz_07 @ not really the style of AQ's phunniness but when you get closer to the end of the prologue you start to see glimpses of your own humor. you know sometimes its a great thing to allow people to picture something them selves instead of telling people what to see. but thanks, cause I read your prologue I feel I can start my next installment very soon.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 18
2/25/2013 22:25:20   
Spendin
Member

Thank you Trainz. I made the changes you suggested.
AQ DF  Post #: 19
2/26/2013 12:12:10   
kors
Member

Part one of my story is up! I think I will try to be less ambitious about this one, I never really finished my first war story and only ended it because what I wanted would take far far to long. I don't want this one to suffer the same fate.

Hope you all enjoy my second story!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 20
2/26/2013 12:53:28   
battlemaster25
Member

Posted Chapter II of my story. It ended up being a bit longer than I intended, but ah well. I tried to make this chapter a bit more detailed in terms of environment, at Trainz's suggestion.
AQ  Post #: 21
2/26/2013 15:37:12   
Darquess
Member

And chapter 2 is up...

NOW!

< Message edited by Darquess -- 2/26/2013 15:50:29 >
Post #: 22
2/26/2013 17:07:15   
UnderSoul
Member

Posted my fourth entry!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 23
2/26/2013 20:33:30   
Daimyo Daimyo
Member

@kors
quote:

It had been a long time since he had spoken with Mrs Ms. Vox.

Maybe he would finally learn some more about Mrs Ms. Vox’s connection to Xov and the Truphma.
Now, while I don't know about the real Ms. Vox's marital status, I'm pretty sure that the player has always referred to her in-game NPC as "Ms. Vox" and not "Mrs. Vox". She's not married...yet.
quote:

Eukara Vox: What is this about, «You»?
«You»: I don't know, Ms. Vox. All Master Archanius said is it is of utmost importance.
Case in point.

quote:

Ever since the Paladin and Necromancer war, things have been too calm.
These two sections are dependent clauses. They need each other to make sense. They can't stand alone. You need a comma here to differentiate them.

quote:

Kor rose from his chair and moved towards the other window, hoping to see if anything interesting was happening around his estate.
The first bit can be independent. But I merged it with the second part because that one is dependent on the first. If you really want them both to be independent sentences:

"Kor rose from his chair and moved towards the other window." It's perfectly fine. Leave it as it is.

"He hoped to see if anything interesting was happening around his estate." It doesn't really look like much of a change, right? But it really makes a difference.

Your story looks good so far.

< Message edited by Daimyo Daimyo -- 2/26/2013 20:36:53 >
MQ  Post #: 24
2/26/2013 21:33:40   
Trainz_07
Member

New stories mean new reviews:

@Undersoul

quote:

I am paid by various people travel


Should be 'to travel'

quote:

hunting the remaining camps and clearing them out


Right, conventionally we only use the word 'hunt' in the context of chasing or pursuing a quarry. In that case, it would be illogical for one to 'hunt the camps'. However, I take it you mean to 'search for the camps'? If so, adding a 'for' after hunting would be more appropriate.

quote:

name of honour and mercy, I leave no survivors


It seems 'mercy' is a bit out of place if your character isn't letting anyone live (unless his meaning of mercy is killing everything instead of torturing them O.O If that is the case, perhaps you could elaborate a little)

Plot: The entry is a bit short, but I don't think that that's a problem and I appreciated the fact that it still does its job of moving the story along. I must mention again that I really enjoy your journal-style writing (I am thinking of stealing this for future stories XD). I hope you can update it soon.

@battlemaster

quote:

As it was late at night, nobody asides from Storm was awake


Aside

quote:

Meanwhile, Storm appeared, standing exactly where he had been when he left.


Hmm....this part is a little bit confusing. When you said he appeared where he had been when he left, you might confuse readers into thinking that he was still standing outside the inn (Because technically he did leave the inn). But then again maybe it's just me :3

Plot: Overall a good chapter, the dialogue felt smooth, and Yulgar's characterization was spot-on for me. I see that you've added more descriptions, which is excellent. The story does feel a bit more vibrant now.

I would like to comment on the rainbow longsword though. Umm, will you be featuring the sword prominently in your future chapters? If so, I think it would be beneficial if you would describe it a little more. The description that you've already written is good enough, what I'm proposing is writing a little more just so that the sword will stick more in your readers' minds.

Anyways good job with the chapter, hoping to see more.

@kors

I won't comment on the grammatical aspect since Daimyo has done a stellar job of it =)

Plot: I was pleasantly surprised when you decided to describe about your estate. An excellent idea, it makes the whole house and estate thing seem more realistic.

The flow of the story feels good, nothing feels rushed and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I would recommend you to heed Daimyo's last advice regarding the merging of sentences, it tremendously helps smoothen the pacing.

My only critique would be when you mentioned Rinia. I suggest you to have her introduce herself. Because suddenly putting a name there without specifically mentioning him or her beforehand can be confusing at times, especially if there are multiple characters in the scene.

Don't worry about length, you should write as much as you like =) Looking forward to more chapters.


Side note: I just got the idea for my next chapter last night (Or this morning for you guys), but first I need to do a little research and reading. Maybe a lot of reading.
AQ  Post #: 25
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> AE Fanfiction Discussion >> =AQ= Truphma Camps Chronicles commentary
Page 1 of 3123>
Jump to:






Icon Legend
New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Forum Content Copyright © 2018 Artix Entertainment, LLC.

"AdventureQuest", "DragonFable", "MechQuest", "EpicDuel", "BattleOn.com", "AdventureQuest Worlds", "Artix Entertainment"
and all game character names are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Artix Entertainment, LLC. All rights are reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY


Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition