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2/4/2013 21:47:30   
Raharu95
Member

*A Blue VurrMan sits on an elegant chair and holds a bubble pipe. He drinks a drink from a potion jar and then looks in front* Ah hello dere! dis is de place were you may leave criticism over my storytelling or discuss my working story. If you came 'ere first, de story is on dis Room. ^_^

< Message edited by Raharu95 -- 2/4/2013 22:15:29 >
DF  Post #: 1
2/5/2013 6:04:11   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

A mother, who looked younger than she actually was, was observing her children play. The mother was a lean and small figure wearing a Japanese Dress of scarlet and black, with golden trims at the triangle neckline of the kimono, golden cuffs, and golden hems at the end of her long hakama, the pants. The straps of the hakama were knotted into a ribbon on her back. The mother also carried an interesting sight with her. Wrapped about her body was a small Panlong, or Chinese, dragon of Golden scales and jade beady eyes, its head floating above her left shoulder.


I have spotted some typos, but I will go over those later (should you want it). Right now I am somewhat confused as to why you never described the woman's race as she is somewhat of a main character and this doesn't become apparent until the first chapter when it is mentioned (or at least implied) that she is not a human herself.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 2
2/5/2013 7:16:22   
Raharu95
Member

@Dwelling Dragonlord "Ah yes yes. A typo check would be much appreciated. As for you w'at you are confused about, dat's actually intentional ;)
DF  Post #: 3
2/5/2013 8:19:55   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


*Cracks knuckles.*


quote:

The colors of its leaves did not matched the season’s motif, as the leaves and shrubs colors ranged from amber to golden brown to almost actual golden.

match

quote:

Despite their autumn colors, the forest was still vibrant, and there <> no creatures more lively than the beings playing within it, their Tabi’s making bold steps upon the soil.

were, Tabis (you may want to explain to your readers what those are)

quote:

Wrapped about her body was a small Panlong, or Chinese, dragon of Golden scales and jade beady eyes, its head floating above her left shoulder.

or Chinese dragon

quote:

They were both wearing the same kind of Japanese outfits with the same color scheme, but the boy wore short black pants that simply covered above the knee, with straps in a simple knot, while the girl had a dress identical to her mother’s. except wide enough to fit her broad body.

, except/. Except

quote:

The two children were not using their clothes right now thought.

though

quote:

They were both wearing simple short pants right now, as they were wrestling while their mother observed to make sure they did not went out of hand.

it went not out of hand

quote:

He was very sweaty as he held his arms up high and laughed out loud un Victory.

on victory

quote:

His boast was cut short by his sister pushing while he was unaware.

his sister pushing him/a push from his sister

quote:

A small clap from the mother stopped then from starting another match.

them

quote:

Go now and wash he dirt off, he should be here soon.

the

quote:

Even the flow off the nearby river seemed to be muffled.

of

quote:

The mother stood up before It got to a point where she would have been unable to.

it

quote:

Redell, The mother, was finally able to compose herself in the tremor.

the

quote:

She and the Panlong, or were pulled, flying into the ethereal portal.

Why do you use "or" here?

quote:

It did not last long, however, and she did not even saw who had tried to rescue her.

(have the opportunity to) see

quote:

For a long time, all that Redell could see and feel was darkness.

How can you feel darkness? You might want to describe that to the reader.

quote:

“I must be dreaming” she concluded when se realized she could see herself in the complete darkness: It was black as far as her eyes could see.

she

Also, I see a contradiction here. First you state that she can clearly see herself and then you proceed to tell that it was black as far as her eyes could see. I would put in something which excludes her own body from that statement.

quote:

A male donning a Warrior’s Armor of color Red and with Silver Trims, the hilt of an ordinary longsword sheathed within a scabbard on the back of a brown pack, held together by straps encircling the backpack, was visible across his right shoulder.

A remarkably detailed description, though you must answer me why you use capital letters for words as red and silver?

warrior, armor, red, silver, trims

quote:

She looked at the Warrior again and inquired “Anata wa oni wa nandes ka<>

warrior, ?

quote:

Redell blinked and then spoke the same line in a different language that the Warrior did understood.

warrior, understand

Is there a special reason as to why she, as an outsider, can communicate with him?

quote:

Front and back, her hand was lean and normal looking, as was her arms.

were

I don't think "normal" would be the way to describe her altered body. I very much doubt she would consider it to be normal.

quote:

Her Tabi’s skeeted over the grass at a fast speed until she found what she was looking for.

Tabis

quote:

What she saw was the face of a young woman with a long flowing scarlet hair, similar to The Lady’s hairstyle.

human female

quote:

Her expression in the water was <> of complete astonishment.

of

quote:

When Redell’s head emerged back up, she saw the embarrassed form of the male scratching the back of his head with <> Hero haircut.

the

quote:

It was obvious se was casting a spell and the Warrior was not surprise about it.

she, surprised

quote:

Warth began to emanate from her body.

Warmth

quote:

“Whatever you need to explain, better it be on town rather than the middle of Surewould forest. The least I can do is lead you, Ma’am.”

it had better be in town

quote:

Then allow me escort here as well. Is a quest, Helping other is my job after all.

That doesn't sound right.

quote:

“No need to warm me.”

warn

quote:

The Two sword wielder’s left in search of Redell’s companion, her Dragon.

two swordwielders


Another thing, the link leading to this page is easy to miss. I'd suggest changing the orange text into something which makes the red of the link stand out more.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 4
2/5/2013 17:22:27   
Raharu95
Member

Yikes, I must 'ave been in a hurry when I was double checking before I submitted my work. I would 'ave normally 'ave caught most of dose typos. Thank you very much Dwelling.

As for your questions and other stuff:

Well not sure if de reason is special, but Redell knows how to talk Japanese and English. She simply switched to English to see if she could communicate dat way after the Hero looked confused.

Yeah, about dose capitalizations, dat a weird error of mine dat I always make. I'll try not to do it next time.

Oh in dat par wid the weird words, dere techinically is an question mark. You see that was Japanese Romanize, as in written wid de Alphabet. Ka is de Japanese equivalent of a question mark.

Oh, and you see the link in Red? I see dem in blue.
DF  Post #: 5
2/5/2013 17:32:19   
deatharrows
Member

Ok I read it and it wasn't to bad. It was just a bit hard to follow but time for typos/things that are confusing.

quote:

It was a warm and young summer day of rustling green, a time were energy steamed out from the living.

I think you mean where not were

quote:

Front and back, her hand was lean and normal looking, as was her arms


I thought that this part here was odd. based on your righting style I assume this story is mainly following the woman and her thoughts so is she normal looking to us or to herself?

As for other typos I'm sure I saw some but I forgot where they were :(

Other than that not bad but I would try to watch for those statements that are confusing or just explain them here.

< Message edited by deatharrows -- 2/5/2013 17:46:05 >
DF AQW  Post #: 6
2/6/2013 5:24:14   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

Well not sure if de reason is special, but Redell knows how to talk Japanese and English. She simply switched to English to see if she could communicate dat way after the Hero looked confused.


We're on Lore. She apparently is a Terran (native of earth), but you won't find the United Kingdom on maps of Lore and thus "English" does not exist. We are talking about a language from an entirely different world or maybe dimension altogether.


quote:

Oh, and you see the link in Red? I see dem in blue.

Aside from that your link is a very similar colour to me, it is also quite small and unless you really look for it you probably won't even know it is there.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 7
2/7/2013 17:55:51   
Raharu95
Member

@^ Mmmm... You know what, you bring up a really great point. While I don't think de game has ever said dat de language on Lore is not English, it has never said it is eider. I was actually thinking about dis de oder day. You are in de right to think dey speak a completely different language and we just see it in English for convenience. I thought maybe I could hand wave it, but now dat I think about it, if I wanna make a good story, I better do it right. Alright den, I will rework dat chapter and de rest to keep dis in mind.

Thought dis just gave me a question. De Atealans come from a different planet, but we and de rest of lore can understand dem just fine. Was dat explained? I'm not going to try using dem as an excuse if it not, I am just curious because I don't think I saw de reasoning.

As for your Link problem. I just increased de font for dat sentnece. Though I don't know w'at to do about de color. All links are color blue and I don't know how to change de color links. Dat's why I put de Rest of de sentence in orange, w'ich is de color I use w'enever I make a link.


< Message edited by Raharu95 -- 2/7/2013 18:00:37 >
DF  Post #: 8
2/7/2013 20:13:51   
Dragonman
Member

Well, I personally liked it.. I'm interested to know what's next!
DF AQW Epic  Post #: 9
2/9/2013 13:43:02   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


I am not sure there was a reason given as to why Lorians and Atealans can understand each other. However, the setting of your story would enable you to give Redell not only an alien appearance, but also an alien tongue she does not recognize herself.

As for the link, it is slightly better to see. However, I know where to look so that doesn't exactly say much. I myself would propose turning the entire sentence into a link.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 10
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