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Spirit Seekers' Notes

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4/8/2013 9:54:43   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 What do you think of my story? Say it here! Comments and suggestions accepted. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
4/8/2013 21:27:37   
Trainz_07
Member

Hello there arceus, just finished reading your story and here are my thoughts =)

quote:

Little by little, water poured down from the dark and gloomy clouds of Shibuya


First off, I don't think pour is the approriate verb here, since you are describing droplets of water right?

quote:

I froze alright, but my feet dragged me towards her, like a magnet attracting metal


This is probably just me, but I would suggest rearranging the bolded part. Since you described Hisaki as having his feet dragged towards her, perhaps you could say 'like a metal pulled in by a magnet', or something along those lines.

Regarding the dialogue, I strongly recommend that you split the paragraph every time another person speaks. It really does help the readers to identify who exactly is speaking at the moment and makes your story far easier to purvey.

Furthermore, I was also mildly distracted by the abundance of "......" Of course I appreciated you portrating Hisaki's shyness in front of Ayame, but perhaps the pacing of the story would benefit from a decrease in the dots. Maybe just use 3 dots instead of 6.

Moving on, I liked how you slowly built up your chapter to a climax, but I believe that you could describe the shooting scene with more detail. That particular scene is a chance for you to really show the emotions that were swimming through Hisaki, to really 'dramatize' the happenings; after all, this is where Hisaki meets his demise, which is an important part of your story and deserves more description.

I did enjoy the storyline. I really didn't expect Hisaki to just die and become a spirit, and the end of the chapter was really cliffhanger-ish, which is good since it makes me wanna know what happens next. I would have loved more interaction between Hisaki and Ayame though, just so that his death would seem more...sadder, I guess.

Good luck with your story!
AQ  Post #: 2
4/8/2013 22:27:13   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 @Trainz_07,
You know, you're right. I'll get to those errors right away. Glad you like it
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
4/9/2013 9:40:38   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 1, Yokai is up. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
4/9/2013 14:44:04   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

I've never seen such a cute girl in my entire life.

I'd/I had

quote:

I searched around for a bit, but haven't found her.

I'm not sure what this is about.

I get anime-vibes from your story. Not bad.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 5
4/9/2013 22:43:37   
_Arceus_
Creative!
quote:

quote:



I searched around for a bit, but haven't found her.


I'm not sure what this is about.

Well, I'm not sure either. I just thought it was fitting.

quote:

I get anime-vibes from your story. Not bad.

Thanks.
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 6
4/10/2013 21:55:04   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 2, The Pact is up. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 7
4/13/2013 2:52:55   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 3, The Seven Sentinels is up. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
4/13/2013 8:09:08   
Trainz_07
Member

quote:

quote:

quote:

I searched around for a bit, but haven't found her.


I'm not sure what this is about.


Well, I'm not sure either. I just thought it was fitting.


Fitting in what way? I too was quite confused when I came upon the highlighted sentence. Could you perhaps modify the original text or provide clarification? You've gotta make sure everything in your story makes sense, because then the readers will be able to follow your story with no problem.

quote:

can't wait to smash its face


Should be 'couldn't'. Remember to maintain consistency of the tenses throughout your story. If you're gonna use the past tense, then stick to it all the time.

quote:

it just felt like I can't yet leave this place


Again, should be 'couldn't'.

quote:

"I....wouldn't be...so sure....about...that.." The Bakeneko raised an eyebrow, looking confused.


I recommend splitting the paragraph after the dialogue. Readers might get confused and assume that the Bakeneko's the one who said that.

quote:

"Guys....stop...please.." I said, looking at both of them.

"Not until she lets go!!!" they said in chorus, pulling harder. Ow. At this rate, I'll be split in two.

"Okay, that's it!" Ayame let go of my arm, same with Eri. Whew, finally. "Let Hisaki-kun pick who he wants to go with." she said, then both of them glared at me.

"H-hey, wait a minute. Why me?!" I asked, looking at both of them


I bolded the two lines because they're exactly the same. Try to put some variety in terms of vocabulary. Of course that doesn't mean you are obligated to use super big words, I suggest to just vary some of the words and their arrangement, to keep the readers interested.

quote:

trying to reason to both of them.


Should be 'with'

quote:

I looked around. The crowd here kept on growing, though they doesn't seem to notice us at all......the whole time. I wonder why?


I was a little confused here. Perhaps you could describe the setting a little, just to let us know where exactly are the couple at and why would a crowd gather there.

Additionally, during the encounter with the sentinels, I couldn't get a grasp of where the characters were. The environment and surrounding were never mentioned at all.


Also, in the prologue:

quote:

"What is it, Eri?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "They're back." she said. Uh oh.

"Where?" I asked.

"AGU." she said. Oh no.....


I can't really figure out what this part is trying to tell me.


After reading your latest chapters, I find that I'm still unable to find a proper 'direction' for the story. I don't know what Hisaki's goals are, and everything seems to be happening randomly. His encounter with Eri wasn't really explained, and the prologue sort of jumped into chapter 1 without enough elaboration. Is he some kind of yokai slayer now? Why did he meet Eri in the first place? Who is Eri anyways?

You've created a great, solid premise here - something that has the potential to be molded into a fantastic story. I just think that you could perhaps work on polishing the storyline and all its nuances. Kudos to you on the implementation of a glossary as well.

Once again, good luck to you!
AQ  Post #: 9
4/13/2013 23:23:50   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Trainz_07,
Again, you're right. I'll get to those eventually after I've thought of a better replacement.

And about this:
quote:

Additionally, during the encounter with the sentinels, I couldn't get a grasp of where the characters were. The environment and surrounding were never mentioned at all.

It WAS mentioned in chapter 2:
quote:

We ran around the school, then into Shibuya before stopping at Hachiko.

But I guess I'll give it more detail.

quote:

Why did he meet Eri in the first place? Who is Eri anyways?

I'll try to explain that in the next chapter.

So, thanks for the feedback. I'll try and fix the story up a bit before doing the next chapter.
P.S. Has anybody ever tell you that you're a good critic?
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 10
4/14/2013 7:23:45   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Okay. I've done some minor changes on the Prologue, up to Chapter 3. (I have to say, I work fast ) So... tell me if I missed some missing detail. Until then, enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
4/14/2013 11:36:25   
Trainz_07
Member

Thank you kindly for the compliment, I appreciate it =)

At any rate, I've just roughly gone through your story again, just to clarify, chapter 1 follows immediately after the prologue right?

In regards to this:

quote:

It WAS mentioned in chapter 2:

quote:

We ran around the school, then into Shibuya before stopping at Hachiko.


But I guess I'll give it more detail.


My apologies, I must have missed that line. I do agree with your decision to give more detail, which will definitely help the readers to picture the scene in their minds.

Great job on the changes, the story does feel smoother and easier to read now.

Oh, and I enjoyed reading the tension between Eri and Ayame, makes me look forward to see if they ever become friends. Keep it up.

< Message edited by Trainz_07 -- 4/14/2013 11:37:03 >
AQ  Post #: 12
4/19/2013 8:47:04   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 4's up. Enjoy
(P.S. I did a little remodeling in the title of the Chapter 1, up to Chapter 3)

@Trainz_07,
quote:

At any rate, I've just roughly gone through your story again, just to clarify, chapter 1 follows immediately after the prologue right?

Yup.

< Message edited by _Arceus_ -- 4/19/2013 8:59:41 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 13
4/19/2013 11:03:48   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

Eri held out her hands as she chanted a spell I'm not familiar with.

I was not/I wasn't

quote:

"Stay away from this!!!" they said in chorus.

yelled

quote:

"Not until she lets go!!!" they said in chorus, pulling harder.

yelled

quote:

We drive out bad Ghosts and Spirits and send evil Yokai's to the underworld, while we help the good ones cross to the other world.

Yokai

On a sidenote, both sound like the same thing. How is the "other world" different from the "underworld" in your story?

quote:

I looked at her and saw that she was already asleep.

Doesn't she have a place to sleep?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 14
4/20/2013 6:47:58   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 @Dwelling Dragonlord,
Fixed it. And about this:
quote:

On a sidenote, both sound like the same thing. How is the "other world" different from the "underworld" in your story?

I refer to the "other world" as this, while I refer to the "underworld" as this.

quote:

Doesn't she have a place to sleep?

Um... She does. She just fell asleep.

Thanks for the corrections
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 15
4/29/2013 8:20:05   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 5's up. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 16
5/1/2013 19:37:07   
araxia
Member

quote:

What the hell am I saying.

Not sure if you meant it as a statement or a question, but just wanted to point it out to you.

quote:

How did I became a spirit?

How did I become a spirit?

quote:

Oh yeah, its me, 'cause my face is burning hot right now.

Oh yeah, it's me, 'cause my face is burning hot right now.

quote:

"...Oh man." I said, then closed me eyes.

"...Oh man." I said, then closed my eyes.

quote:

then lunged at me so fast, its like she vanished and re-appeared in front of me

then lunged at me so fast, it's like she vanished and re-appeared in front of me
Though personally, I believe should have been this:
then lunged at me so fast, it seemed she had vanished, until she re-appeared in front of me

quote:

"Its too bad I had to kill you and not even know your name." She, then, threw me aside like a toy.

"It’s too bad I'm about to kill you and still not even know your name." She said, and then threw me aside like a toy.

quote:

"I won't move if I were you..." It cutted, then smiled at me evilly.

"I wouldn't move if I were you..." It cutted in, then smiled at me evilly.

quote:

Its like they're waiting to see who flinches first before attacking each other.

It was like they were waiting to see who flinched first before attacking each other.

quote:

"Where do you think your taking him?!" she said, pulling me to her side.

Where do you think you're taking him?!" she said, pulling me to her side.

quote:

Ayame's room was the only thing that differ; it was painted pink.

Ayame's room was the only thing that was different: it was painted pink.

quote:

After that, the first thing that came to mind was if Ayame's royalty.

Was if Ayame's royalty what?

quote:

I think its perfect. But it came out as:

I think it's perfect. But it came out as:

quote:

"Having fun, Hisaki kun~?" she said, smiling at me.

"Having fun, Hisaki-kun~?" she said, smiling at me.

quote:

"N-no!! I-its not like that!" I blurted out.

"N-no!! I-it's not like that!" I blurted out.

quote:

"I-its not like she's following me, its just that..." I paused.

"I-it's not like she's following me, it's just that..." I paused.

quote:

"Its just... Nah, forget about it."

"It's just... Nah, forget about it."


To me, Spirit Seekers seems like Bleach mixed with MIB, along with hints of Japanese folklore. But still, it's a nice story.

< Message edited by araxia -- 5/1/2013 19:54:14 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 17
5/2/2013 6:22:29   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 @araxia,
Fixed all the errors.

quote:

Not sure if you meant it as a statement or a question, but just wanted to point it out to you.

Hmm... I guess it's a mixture of both...if possible...

quote:

To me, Spirit Seekers seems like Bleach mixed with MIB, along with hints of Japanese folklore.

I don't know about MIB, but the rest is kinda true.

So, thanks for pointing out all those little details
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 18
5/11/2013 23:17:22   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 6's up. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 19
5/12/2013 6:55:15   
Trainz_07
Member

quote:

"So, what do you think of my room...?" What do I think? Hmm... Well, aside from the majestic view outside, the giant chandelier hanging up the ceiling, the perfect copied paintings of you that hung through the other side of the 'wall', the queen-like decorations and furniture in the 'room', and a wide space almost as big as half a soccer field, I think it's perfect. But it came out as: "Uhh... duhh..."


A gentle reminder here, remember that within a single paragraph, the dialogue can only belong to one character. That is to say when another character is talking, you have to split paragraphs.

Oh, and right after this paragraph, Ayame said she was going to take a shower, but she didn't even wait for Hisaki's answer. Would you mind clarifying on this?

quote:

all I can see was houses, markets, and something that looked like a mall


Should be 'were'.

quote:

I said to myself, while massaging my jaw, then glared at the guy


This part sounds a bit jarring. Try rewording it in a way that every action happens one after the other.


Moving on, I noticed that your descriptions have vastly improved, great job! You have managed to keep things interesting which is good, I'm quite curious to see where else is this story going.

I would suggest you work a little on your pacing. Just try and ensure that everything flows smoothly and that events happen in a certain order in such a way that the readers are able to see everything unfolding in a forward motion.

At any rate, I hope you keep writing and posting your chapters =)
AQ  Post #: 20
5/14/2013 8:54:08   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 7's up. Enjoy

@Trainz_07,
Fixed those errors.

quote:

Moving on, I noticed that your descriptions have vastly improved, great job! You have managed to keep things interesting which is good, I'm quite curious to see where else is this story going.

Thank you! That means a lot. And I mean a LOT.

So, thanks for the advice and for those corrections

< Message edited by _Arceus_ -- 5/14/2013 8:56:40 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 21
5/29/2013 9:56:16   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 8's up. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 22
5/30/2013 9:04:09   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 9's up. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 23
5/31/2013 7:58:59   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 10's up. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 24
6/8/2013 8:51:09   
_Arceus_
Creative!


 Chapter 11's up. Enjoy
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 25
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