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(AQW/OS) The Invasion

 
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7/18/2013 11:40:54   
Mondez
Member

Well to continue off from my earlier fan fiction (The Way of the Void) and to commemorate an intro to my character that was animated in the OS Character Suggestion Contest I created this fanfiction. The Invasion

Short Explanation
The Invasion is a story of Necrosis after his death in my WIP book (Crystal of Order). Though Necrosis died in my book he gained favor with the Void Prince, Mon Dez, who in fact placed Necrosis as the Void Realms strategist. With the capture of Mon Dez in the last fanfiction, Necrosis set out and decided to invade the worlds of both AQW and OS to find Mon Dez though Necrosis also has another objective that the Void Lord himself gave out in order to judge the worlds to see if they are worthy of their creations.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 1
7/18/2013 12:31:31   
necro rouge
Member

It's ok. It looks to be entertaining, but it has some issues.

The first thing that hits me is that it is written as a play or manuscript, rather than a story. This is in my opinion a horrible way to write something like this as It is very hard to get absorbed by a story when all the dialogue is bolded out like this all the time and stuff like this is written
quote:

*bows his bony head*
.

The second is the dialogue itself. You drag some sentances out for far too long, and some of it is just weird to read. Below, tried to touch on one of the pieces.
quote:

???: I guess it is time and besides I can feel that the dimensions are starting to shift since she is following my trail of decay that I have laid out for her. The soldiers know what to do, but they must make haste for time is short.

quote:

???: It seems the time has come, I can feel the dimensions as they are starting to shift. she mist befollowing the trail of decay I laid out for her. The soldiers know what to do, but they must make haste,time is short.


There's also a few såelling/grammatical mistakes here and there, but they are not big nouh to be on any notice.


< Message edited by necro rouge -- 7/18/2013 12:34:41 >
AQW  Post #: 2
7/18/2013 12:38:56   
Mondez
Member

@Necro
Thanks for the critique. I'm trying different styles of writing and this style is a bit of experimentation. My spelling and grammar still needs work since I haven't written or typed anything plausible in 2 years except the Fanfic I wrote earlier this year.

Plus the reason why I wrote it this way was because it would be interesting to have it as an inter-cross war in two realms that would end the same in my book. (Good, Evil, and Chaos having a temporary truce to fight a threat whose power is above their own combined)

< Message edited by Mondez -- 7/18/2013 12:44:01 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 3
7/18/2013 14:43:42   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


If you aim to write in either a play or screenplay format, bear in mind these important rules of the art:

1) All action should take place outside of the dialogue and in present tense.
2) Action should be written simply and concisely. Extraneous details are often ignored by directors, with some even going so far as to cross out stage directions before having their actors read a script. Writing simply and with great potential for varied interpretation from director to director discourage this practice. Detail is appropriate when suiting a specific purpose (Illustrating a specific theme, drawing parallels between two specific things, etc.) of the writer, however.
3) All characters should be introduced in the stage directions to clarify who is supposed to be what.
4) If you wish to write in a play format, naming the act and scene prior to opening a scene is necessary (Act I, Scene I). In a screenplay format, one addresses the time of day, location, and whether or not the scene is indoors or outdoors (INT. NULGATH'S ZONE - DAY).

Rewritten with this in mind:
quote:

INT. NULGATH'S PLACE - NIGHT

A large demon, NULGATH, sits upon a throne of skulls. NEESHA, a woman showing much skin, rushes towards him and kneels herself before him.

NEESHA: Master, an army of undead have started to invade through the Oblivion gateway. It cannot be that fool Dage for he cannot transcend himself into this world because he still has our old world to try and rule. The necromancers of this world would be fools if they have decided to go against you, Master

The Arch-Demon does not move at the news presented by his apprentice. He throws something at his apprentice's feet. It is a skeleton wearing leather armor and in its hands are daggers encrusted with NULGATH's blood.

NEESHA: Master?!

NULGATH: It is a first in all my years that an undead has been able to injure me, but these are the first whose souls I could not consume. This one fought as if he were alive and afraid to die compared to the ones that did not fear death. I suspect that this invasion is being carried out by no means an ordinary Lich or Dage, but a powerful caster that can manipulate souls freely.

NULGATH pulls himself from his chair and climbs down from his throne. He places his hand on his apprentice's shoulder.

NULGATH: Let's go, Neesha, for I wish to meet the one that would foolishly deny me my meals.

NEESHA grins so wide that her sharp teeth shine from ear to ear.

NEESHA: Yes, Master.


< Message edited by Faerdin -- 7/18/2013 14:45:01 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 4
7/18/2013 20:07:48   
Mondez
Member

Thanks Faerdin for pointing this out. I'm interested in the works of writing and the only thing I excelled at was poetry. I never was very good at writing stories, but I do learn time to time so your feedback is hugely appreciated.

Updated the fanfic with the AQW side of the invasion bringing in some possible tasty alliance: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=21379629&mpage=1&key=%26%2365533%3B

< Message edited by Mondez -- 7/18/2013 20:42:47 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 5
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