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10/22/2008 19:51:27   
Shodu
Member
 

Read here
Yes, Vios Kyros is cancelled.

Prophet is a project I'm doing in both game and story form, more on that later though. Anyway, read. Also~

Rein (Ray-n): Comes from Reign
Proth (Pr-aw-th): Comes from protector

I'll update the list as more characters appear.

Disclaimer: This story has a religious basis and emphasis. However, it is not an argument for or against religion, and this is not the place for religious debate of any kind. Please take it elsewhere. Thank you.
AQ DF  Post #: 1
10/22/2008 19:53:35   
time losh
Member

Excellent, a good religious story is always good in my book. Heres my advice...write what you can, if you're worried if something may be against the rules or arouse suspicion, run it by me. I'll be sure to scrutinize it carefully for ya.
AQ  Post #: 2
10/22/2008 22:09:45   
Shodu
Member
 

Thanks, I'll remember that- especially in some of the touchier parts ^_^
AQ DF  Post #: 3
12/4/2008 0:30:56   
Shodu
Member
 

Edited it a bit- just fixed a typo and redid the last sentence or so because it was all garbage.

Will write Chapter 1 soon, because it actually matters. Yeah, I know, it's been over a month, but to be fair...

...

Give me a second to think of a reasonable excuse.

The introduction will probably be until the end of chapter 1 or 2, depending on how long I want chapters to be. This story's going at a lot faster pace, but it has a lot more ground to cover- it's going to be told through 4 different viewpoints in clearly contradictual ways. Some of the characters, for example, may or may not exist and that'll effect the tellings drastically, plus I have a lot of planning. It's being slowed down a little since this is told in two different ways- in game and story form- and the tellings are vastly different. The reason I'm doing this is because the game form is so theme-based that I wanted to adapt it to a more literary form. Both will probably branch out to be their own story however, as they're already starting to differentiate.
AQ DF  Post #: 4
12/8/2008 16:08:46   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hey!

How come I've missed this? Well, I've read it now. Ready for some butchering? I hope you are because you can't stop me now =P

1) Good start, straight to business. =P I'm not sure yet if am totally comfortable with the minimalistic sentences in the first paragraph, but that's probably only my problem. I have this faint feeling that I'd hope for a bit more conventional sentences, but yet I realise that would most likely wreck some of the sense of urgency you have going on in there. So, now that I managed to blurt this out, I'ma step back and observe how this continues in the upcoming chapters.

2)
quote:

Rein’s eyes narrowed, staring at his older brother menacingly. Rein leapt back and took off, his white wings flapping furiously. Higher, higher, higher…

I know different L&Lers have different views on this, but I tend to like names not repeated that often (yet I don't think my own always writing passes my criteria, lol) Anyways, even Rein's older brother is mentioned, I think you could replace that second 'Rein' with 'He' without causing confusion. It's your choice, really.

3)
quote:

“Interesting strategy,” Rein froze. Proth was behind him, matching his upward velocity perfectly.

Now here's a slightly confusing bit since that comma inside the quotes and Rein's name make it look like Rein said it when, in fact, it was Proth. So, I'd suggest you change the comma into a period. You can also edit the next sentence to something like spoonfeeding, if you like =P
'Hearing his brother's voice, Rein froze.' But yet again, consider how this goes together with the style of the prologue/story, before injecting my suggestions anywhere.

4)
quote:

Proth spun, disarmed Rein with his free arm, and then flipped into the air, delivering a kick with both heels to Rein’s chest. Proth stared at the falling Rein, a faint smile on his lips.

Here's another point where I think you repeat Rein's name too much, imo.
My suggestion for cutting it down:
'...delivering a kick with both heels to the little brother’s chest. Proth stared at the falling figure,...'

I won't be complaining about this during the rest of the prologue, since it's really only my opinion.

5)
quote:


Rein tried to catch his breath, spinning in the air, out of control. He tried to flap his wings, but the wind simply tore at them and bending them into awkward positions.

Just a minor repetition. I think you could get rid of the latter one, since the rest of the sentence tells that it was just a try, anyway:
'He flapped his wings...'
Or, if you want to stress the futility of his attempts, you could go with:
'In vain he flapped his wings, as the wind simply tore at them and bent them into awkward positions. '
Yeah, that last suggestion sounds really awkward.... moving on!

6)
quote:

He sheathed his sword and sat on a nearby bench, several onlookers staring and pointing. Some whispering “there’s the General!”

Is it just me or does this seem to miss 'down' between those two words? In addition, that last sentence might either need 'were' or some other verb in it, /or/ you could fuse it together with the previous one.

7)
quote:

Proth lifted a panting Rein back on his feet, looking around the small park with a look of satisfaction on his face.

I suspect that article should be 'the' or the whole thing might need rewording: 'Proth lifted his panting little brother...'
And what a marvellous opportunity to kill some repetition, lol. I'd suggest getting rid of the first instance of 'looking' by rewording:
'..., scanning the surrounding park with...' Your choice, of course!

8)
quote:

Proth asked, amused.

Lol, since we have already been told that he got his kicks already from the fight and enjoyed that, you could stress the further amusement by his brother's threats with adding one word:
'Proth asked, thoroughly amused.'
Just a suggestion!

9)
quote:

“Thank you General! Thank you!” The shaking man called, the small crowd applauding.

I suspect that letter should be de-capitalised (if that's even a word =P). The latter part of this might be just a tad too choppy, imo. My suggestion (take, leave or polish at will =P):
'“Thank you General! Thank you!” the shaking man called after him, while the small crowd cheered.'

10)
quote:

I have to do something damnit!

I suspect you need a comma between 'something' and 'damnit'.

11)
quote:

Rein’s eyes began to quiver, the pupil’s shrinking.

Just a typo: 'pupils'

12)
quote:

Rein was frozen in place, countering his father’s concerned face with a gaze of shock and mistrust

I don't quite understand why you are using the passive voice here? Why not just: 'Reain froze in place'? Equally effective, less words.
Your call, though, as always!

13)
quote:

The tears were flowing freely, Rein’s grasp on his sword wavering.

A mere matter of opinion, but I think just plain verbs without the 'to be + ing" would be more effective here.
'The tears flowed freely, his grasp on the sword wavered.' I dunno how that interferes with the style, so it's your decision once again!

14)
quote:

His father’s eyes shook in shock, and then… his heart stopped beating.

There's a lot of shaking going on just before this, so another verb could be better. Eg. 'dilated' or 'widened'

15)
quote:

Two minutes later, he was arrested with the assassination of the Governor’s bodyguard, and his father.

There's only two things listed here, so I don't think you need that comma before 'and'.


Interesting start, easy to read, captivating. Will be waiting for more!
DF  Post #: 5
12/11/2008 23:24:42   
Alixander Fey
Member

THAT JERK!!!

You haven't been on IRC for sooooo long! Why is Viki cancelled? /me cries

Well I'm going to put this high on my reading priority, mr jerkface! /me snuggles

Seriously though do explain why you killed viki...


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DF  Post #: 6
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