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[Comments] Celestine's Poetry

 
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8/17/2010 16:12:41   
Celestine
Constructive!


Click Here!

Tell me what you think. Is there anything I should change, revise, rewrite? Any critique is useful and helpful. Thanks!
DF Epic  Post #: 1
8/17/2010 22:51:22   
Shreder
Member

Greetings Celestine, and allow me to welcome you to L&L. I'll share some thoughts and suggestions I have for your poetry below.

Last Breath

Overall I like it, but there are a few areas where the flow seems a bit dodgy. I'll point these out, and offer suggestion on how to fix them. Keep in mind, however, that any suggestions I make are just that, suggestions, and you may use or ignore them as you please.

quote:

Feared by many,
Scared by none.
Slashing through her victims,
One by one.
Her hands forever
stained with blood.


Firstly, I feel the line "Slashing through her victims," would flow much better with the lines before and after it if you were to take out the "her", just leaving: "Slashing through victims," Secondly, although less of a problem than the one mentioned above, I feel you could also leave the "her" out of the line: "Her hands forever", but that's more a matter of personal opinion.

quote:

One victim dies,
Another battle awakes.
Her staff veiled in blood,
Yet a break she never takes.


Reading this aloud, the line: "Yet a break she never takes." sounds a bit awkward and cumbersome. As far as alternatives goes, the best I can come up with at the moment is: "Yet she never takes breaks.", which isn't great, but at least it flows a little better. If you have a better alternative feel free to use it instead...

quote:

Staring at death,
Right in the face.
Eclipse takes her last breath.


I think you'd be better off here combining those two shorter lines into one, but I realize that would throw off your rhyme. Of course, rhyme isn't everything, and I personally feel: "Staring death in the face,/Eclipse takes her last breath." sounds better, but it's up to you.

quote:

Once feared by many,
Scared by none.
Slashing through her victims,
One by one.
Her hands will forever
Be stained with blood.


As with the opening stanza, I think that for the purposes of flow you should take out the "her" from that third line. In this case, however, unlike in the first stanza, I feel you should leave the second "her".

Love

I like how you've taken as common a theme as love and twisted it in a new and interesting way. Anyways, not much I feel could be changed here, it's a good poem.

Well, that's my two cents, I hope it's of use. Regardless, I look forward to seeing more of your work!
DF MQ  Post #: 2
8/18/2010 15:11:33   
Celestine
Constructive!


Thanks for the feedback! :)
I agree, there are some things I could change in "Last Breath".
That poem was rushed since we only had a limited amount of time to submit our poems to the contest.
Yet, remarkably, I still won.

I'll see what I can do to improve both poems, your feedback was very helpful. Hope you continue reading them.
DF Epic  Post #: 3
8/20/2010 13:43:45   
Celestine
Constructive!


I have edited "Last Breath", I believe it is much better now. Refer to the link to the top and check it out!

I have also added a poem that I came up with last night. My creative juices were flowing.
It is called "Life Goes On". Pay attention to each stanza, it represents a different stage in every person's life: Child, Teenager, Adult, Elder.
Be sure to give me feedback when you read them. It would be very much appreciated! Thanks!
DF Epic  Post #: 4
8/22/2010 11:26:46   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

I'm just popping quickly into this thread to tell you that I read what you've posted so far, and I quite like what I read. Currently, the very first one is my favourite as it has, in my opinion, the most and the best imagery of the three.

I have no suggestions for you at this time except than please do keep on writing! =)
DF  Post #: 5
8/22/2010 14:58:39   
Helixi
Member

Currently, I like what I read very much. My favourite by far would be the most recent, but I'm tired and so have no critique to offer. I'll read them in depth soon and post a critique, if it's needed.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 10:55:06 >
AQ DF  Post #: 6
10/14/2010 20:12:33   
Celestine
Constructive!


Deleted by author

< Message edited by Celestine -- 2/20/2011 17:50:14 >
DF Epic  Post #: 7
7/28/2011 4:29:29   
Celestine
Constructive!


Sorry if I am double posting. (or is that allowed here?)

I have just written a new poem tittle "Journey of Life"
I wrote this one quite a while ago, just never got the chance to post it.

Refer to the link above to check it out and leave your comments/critiques/suggestions/etc. here! Thanks!
DF Epic  Post #: 8
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