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5/30/2014 19:07:18   
Jaden
Friendly!


Hello, this is the discussion page for my Dragonfable character's back-story: In the past. It delves into a time before the vents of Dragonfable, to the events leading up to Jaden becoming a hero. Feel free to post comment criticism, etc; Here is the link to the story:

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=21691506
DF  Post #: 1
5/31/2014 10:38:12   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

If not to me, then perhaps Elysia, I'm sure she would be happy to help.

Womba got competition?

All joking aside the story seems to have captured the spirit of Dragonfable and the grammar as well as the spelling seem flawless as far as I have discerned.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 2
5/31/2014 10:59:26   
Jaden
Friendly!


Your comments are appreciated, Dwelling Dragonlord. :)
DF  Post #: 3
6/8/2014 5:25:56   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

He had gotten away free, and all he had to do <> was wait for...

now
quote:


The one thing above all else that everyone in town knew, was that you never cross them.

crossed
quote:


Still, they payed enough, and Jaden was a kid.

paid


About the story itself. Where is Darastrix located on the map of Lore?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 4
6/8/2014 17:09:31   
Jaden
Friendly!


Darastrix is located southeast of Swordhaven, but still a good distance away from Doomwood. This story is set 10 years before Dragonfable. During this time, it has a good trading relationship with Swordhaven, although it is in a location where it would not be incredibly well known throughout Lore.


Spelling and grammar corrections have been made. Much appreciated Dwelling Dragonlord. :)

< Message edited by Jaden -- 6/8/2014 17:11:28 >
DF  Post #: 5
6/14/2014 15:32:55   
Jaden
Friendly!


A new section is up. In addition, I've made a couple changes to the precious section, to help better fit Jaden's future role as a Dragonlord.

This story doesn't have to much action, at the moment it's rather dialogue heavy. Don't fret, I assure you the pace will speed up.

< Message edited by Jaden -- 6/14/2014 15:33:16 >
DF  Post #: 6
6/14/2014 15:49:34   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

You're mother will be none the wiser about your illegal activities, and perhaps I can knock some sense into that thick skull of yours. Now, show me the way to your house.

Your


I honestly don't know if it needed that revision/addition.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 7
6/14/2014 16:36:03   
Jaden
Friendly!


Every bit helps. Thanks :) Back to the war!
DF  Post #: 8
6/27/2014 7:53:17   
Jaden
Friendly!


Modified the third section at the end. Nothing major, just a small interaction change. I was in the middle of writing the next section, when the ol' laptop died on me. A minor inconvenience, of course.
DF  Post #: 9
7/5/2014 1:40:43   
Jaden
Friendly!


This section was a little longer, which is good for me. I added in a fight scene for good measure, as well as a closer look into Jaden's not so heroic past.
DF  Post #: 10
7/5/2014 5:53:22   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

She came their often, to pray.

there
quote:


Jaden thought about the amulet, and the similar craftsmanship between it and the statues in the temple.

Perhaps a little bit of elaboration on what the statues looked like or were about?
quote:


"So she was with the Family. eh?"

,


I'm interested to learn a bit more about why the priesthood fell out of power. Wouldn't the influx of new potential followers have been a boon to the temple? As well as the fact that the temple likely was held in good esteem by the Dragonlord Order?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 11
7/5/2014 8:52:01   
Jaden
Friendly!


There were quite a few followers, that is true. But the priesthood's methods of worship had very few boundaries, shall I say, and many people would rather work as a merchant than as a highly fanatical Dragon worshiper. In regards to the Dragonlords, they are all about the balance between humanoids and Dragons. The Dragon Priests (No Skyrim reference intended) were not. As they worshiped the Dragons as gods, they would allow sinister minded Dragons to spread their influence unchecked. As for the statues, that will be elaborated on in a coming section. Thanks again for the spell check. :)

< Message edited by Jaden -- 7/5/2014 8:59:05 >
DF  Post #: 12
7/13/2014 9:04:08   
Jaden
Friendly!


Another section is up. This one focuses on Emerus' perspective, rather than Jaden's.
DF  Post #: 13
7/13/2014 9:36:52   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


I saw no grammatical mistakes, keep that up.

As for the story itself. Why would Emerus have Jaden spy on the Family if he already suspects who they sold his amulet to? Also, is "the Family" a common name for a band of thieves? I have come across that name in several pieces of literature and fanfiction by now and I've gotten rather curious about it.

quote:

"No. Despite my being a former priest, I can assure you that I have no intention of brainwashing young Jaden."


How should I understand this? Wasn't Alyn someone who visited the temple? Did she come to worship the Elemental Lords instead and renounced her old temple?

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 7/13/2014 9:49:58 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 14
7/13/2014 12:27:53   
Jaden
Friendly!


Emerus only suspects that they already sold it, and he wants to be sure. The Family is very secretive and he isn't one for risks. As for the name the Family, it is true that many authors have used this for shady organizations. While I can't give too much away, it's set up relatively similar to the mafia, which was pretty family centered, from what I understand. As for Alyn, she wasn't an official Dragon worshiper. She just came to the temple when she needed some peace and quiet. As for her praying, that was more out of desperation to get Jaden back on track. Emerus remarked on this when he talked about her coming to the temple. "She came there often to pray. Given recent events, I see why." Her and Emerus', while they were friends back then, were rather distant, and didn't know too much about each other. As such, he didn't know why she was praying, until he encountered her troublesome son.

I modified Emerus' thoughts in the latest chapter, in order to make it clear that, while he suspected the Family had sold it, he wasn't sure.

< Message edited by Jaden -- 7/13/2014 12:36:13 >
DF  Post #: 15
7/13/2014 12:59:24   
Jaden
Friendly!


Just recently made a revision to the latest section, in order to better explain some of the holes brought up in your earlier post, Dwelling Dragonlord. Thank you for your notes, it's helping me with my storytelling, for sure. :)
DF  Post #: 16
7/31/2014 3:29:55   
Jaden
Friendly!


This section delves into possible motivations for the Family's acquisition of the amulet, as well as what Jaden and Emerus are going to do about it.
DF  Post #: 17
7/31/2014 4:23:40   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

Jaden's insides froe.

froze

quote:

No, I believe that someone else payed them, and by extension, you, to take the amulet from me.

paid

quote:

While they would benefit from it's power, I doubt that they know of it's properties.

its, its

quote:

"The priesthood? I thought they worshiped Dragons as gods! Why would they want to control them?"

I have other issues with the priesthood being a suspect and that would be closely connected to Emerus himself. Where did Emerus get his hands on a Dragon Amulet? Assuming he got it during his time with the priesthood then why would they let Emerus leave with such a powerful artifact in his possession?

quote:

But enough talk. We need to be sure that the priesthood are the ones that purchased the amulet, or if the Family knows of it's power and intends to use it.

its

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 7/31/2014 9:00:07 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 18
7/31/2014 10:49:05   
Jaden
Friendly!


Thanks for the spell checks. In regards to Emerus and the amulet, all I can say is that he didn't get the it during his time in the priesthood. In addition, the means they used to find out that he had it also remain a mystery, for now.
DF  Post #: 19
7/31/2014 13:59:35   
  Master Samak
Productive!
Steward Leprechaun
L&L


Hi, Jaden! I'll jump on with Dwelling Dragonlord to offer some checks of my own, if that's okay. And don't forget to give yourself a (DF) tag to this story!

1.
quote:

It was located in the residential district, same as his, albeit closer to the market, which was probably the reason he had been able to catch Jaden so easily, as the market had been where Jaden's transaction with the Family had occurred.
I would suggest changing this "he" to Emerus. There are already a few "he"s" and a "his", talking about Jaden, so I immediately assumed that bold "he" was referring to Jaden. Having the proper name will clarify.

2.
quote:

It had been two days since his mother had agreed to let Emerus become his tutor, but he still hadn't had enough time to quell any fears he had about this day.
Consider removing this "he had". There are already a lot of "had"s in this sentence, and the idea still makes sense with the bold words removed. Simplicity has power.

3.
quote:

Sighing, Jaden resigned himself to whatever horrors awaited ahead.
The definition of "awaited" suggests something in the future, imminent, or ahead. Having that "ahead" in there, then is somewhat repetitive or redundant. It might be better to remove it.

4.
quote:

His hair was unkempt , and stubble coated his chin.
There's just a space between "unkempt" and the comma, where there shouldn't be. :)

5.
quote:

"Come in." He said irritably, ushering Jaden inside.
"Wait here." Said Emerus, before turning and walking into an adjacent room.
"Sit." He said.
"If that amulet falls into the hands of those who know its power, your safety will be the least of everyone's worries." Intoned Emerus in a sharp voice.
"It's your fault that such measures need to be taken in the first place!" The older man said fiercely
"Judging from the awestruck look on your face, I'm guessing you have." Emerus said dryly.
"...Having connection to a Dragon would certainly be desirable to them." Emerus mused.
Something to note. When immediately describing the person saying the quoted dialogue, the sentence in the dialogue does not end with a period/full stop, but with a comma. You then put the end quotation marks, and after that the following word begins in lowercase. The entire phrase should be seen as one big sentence, you know?
So the first quote should be "Come in," he said irritably..." and the same [comma, end quotes, and lowercase word] format with most remaining quotes.
The exception is that if the dialogue ends with a ? or ! punctuation mark, then it does not need to be changed to a comma. Only the full stop/period. The second exception is that the word following the quoted dialogue may remain capitalized only if it is a word that is on its own already capitalized, such as the name Emerus. Please let me know if this made sense.

6.
quote:

Jaden's insides froe.
As Dwelling Dragonlord said, it needs a "z" for "froze".

7.
quote:

His ever present frown deepened.
Emerus' ever present frown deepened.
I'm not sure if this is incorrect, but something about it stood out to me. I've more often seen "ever present" as "ever-present", with a hyphen. Especially because it's an adjective about to describe the "frown", it makes sense to hyphenate the two words together. Let me know what you think.

8.
quote:

Their deeds were rumored to rival the guardians themselves!
I believe this ought to be capitalized, since you're talking about the actual order of the Guardians. It has the same standing as the Dragonlords (also capitalized) so it should carry the same proper noun weight.

9.
quote:

In fact, it, and others like it are the source of a Dragonlord's connection with his or her Dragon.
It looks like you tried to make a parenthetical comma in this sentence. The parenthetical part is "and others like it". In parenthetical comma use two commas are needed, one before and one after the parenthetical part. If you want to have this, then you should put a comma after "and others like it". Or, you could also do without it and remove the bold comma after the first "it". The sentence still makes sense because the intended parenthesis subject is so similar to the original subject.

10.
quote:

These individuals, for they do exist, are referred to as Dragon masters.
In the DragonFable game, they refer to this class as "Dragonmasters" (one word). Just like "Dragonlords" is one word.

11.
quote:

Don't you have to be able to to be a Dragonlord, or master?"
One too many "to"s in this sentence. :)

12.
quote:

While they would benefit from it's power, I doubt that they know of it's properties.
We need to be sure that the priesthood are the ones that purchased the amulet, or if the Family knows of it's power and intends to use it.
Remember that "it's" is a contraction that means "it is". Having "it is" doesn't make sense in these two sentences. The word "its" (without the apostrophe) should be here, because it describes the possessive form of "properties" and "power".

[Critique Complete]

Well, there you go, Jaden! An intriguing story chapter. I will have to read the whole story sometime, which is why I didn't have much to ask about plot-wise. Be sure to look at these and Dwelling Dragonlord's notes and apply them to your previous chapters, keep an eye out for the possibility to add detail while keeping the story flow simple, and please let me know if you have any questions. Keep it up! :)
AQ DF  Post #: 20
7/31/2014 14:16:02   
Jaden
Friendly!


Thank you very much. Samak, as for your grammatical corrections, they made sense, and it certainly helps. I truly appreciate all the stuff you guys have put in to make my story better. :)

< Message edited by Jaden -- 7/31/2014 14:26:30 >
DF  Post #: 21
7/31/2014 15:15:35   
Jaden
Friendly!


Here in this next section, we venture into the lair of the proverbial beast. Or at least one of the beasts.
DF  Post #: 22
8/2/2014 6:19:26   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

They reached the second floor, and Kara lead him all the way around, until they were just above the main entrance.

led

quote:

He's have <> warn him, in addition to telling him everything he'd learned.

He'd, to


Vildren seems very wealthy. I'd love to learn what his cover or "profession" is to the public. Wealth from thin air would garner attention I would wager, though now that I think about it I haven't read about Jaden actually seeing the law enforcement in Darastrix yet even though you'd expect the nobles and rich merchants to pressure the law enforcement to have their homes well protected.

Very nice attention to detail in this chapter.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 23
9/24/2014 6:51:06   
Jaden
Friendly!


Hey people. I have been having some trouble with my laptop, but I will endeavor to return my character's backstory as soon as possible.
DF  Post #: 24
9/25/2014 13:13:00   
Jaden
Friendly!


This was a very short section, as I am out of time. Consider this a gateway for me to get back into the groove. Again, thanks for all the advice that was given to me, I appreciate it.
DF  Post #: 25
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