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4/7/2011 16:37:20   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


This is where you can post comments/critism on Shadowed Past. This is my first story, based in DragonFable. It revolves around a girl who must slay 100 of the strongest Darkness users and Sepulchure in order to atone for a terrible mistake...


Also, as of June 5, 2011, Raven's Shadow is also to be discussed here. (On hiatus). This is also based in DragonFable, and tells the tale of a girl from another universe, who escapes into the game she loved to play. Now she must find her feet in a strange world, and battle a force in her mind...


As of May 21, 2012, Forgetting the Shadows is to be discussed here. (On hiatus) The first non-DF story, this is based in Herosmash. The story is still new, but is about a girl with a split personality, a personality that doesn't have the best intentions...


As of Septemper 23, 2012, To End It All is to be discussed here. (On hiatus) Latest story, based on you guessed it, DragonFable. This story follows a once nice girl, now turned undead who is bent on destroying everything, for humanity no longer deserves to exist.

Wow, four stories already! I really need to stop coming up with new ideas. New readers, to find comments (from me) about the stories , just check after the date they were posted above.

The stories on hiatus are so because I either ran out of ideas, or I want to finish another story first. Currently, only 'Shadowed Past' will be updated, as its the only one with something resembling a full plot at this point.

< Message edited by Shadow Ravena -- 11/16/2013 10:48:08 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 1
4/7/2011 22:15:58   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


quote:

his name was Worma, though everyone called him Snaketongue, for his speech was as slippery as a snake and just as poisonous. He was hated by the people, but the king had made him his head adviser.

I could not help but be reminded of the second movie in Lord of the Rings by this statement :D

The storyline was great, you really have me hooked on this one! However,
quote:

She was the daughter of the king of that land, a pretty girl named Lily.

That is a very vague description of the princess. It tells us that she is good to look at, but not what she looks like. :)
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 2
4/7/2011 23:14:01   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


I was directly inspired by wormtongue in LotR, glad you noticed the reference.
as for Lily... I'll go back and describe her. But she literally shows up for two seconds so I forgot at first.
edit: added. still vague, but as a minor character I thought imagination would work best here.

glad you liked it! I think I have a writing bug today, already did the next chapter.


< Message edited by tigerlady48 -- 4/7/2011 23:17:55 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 3
4/7/2011 23:45:06   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


I agree with you on that, minor characters don't need much detail but the bit you added gave the story much more feeling to it :) Ahh so it was from LotR! Nice reference you did there :D

quote:

decided to head for the castle wall. Their, i would be able to see better

Minor spelling and grammer mistake :)

Second chapter was just as good as the first! Though knowing that Worma was based off of Wormtongue I am a little concerned for Shadow! I can't help but wonder what is he going to do. :D
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
4/7/2011 23:57:37   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


thanks, I fixed it.
as for Womba... he gets a lot more devious role in the next chapter, in fact, he's the one who really starts this story.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 5
4/8/2011 6:44:19   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

Many of the villager hated me, throw rocks at me and chased me back to the woods, but one girl was kind to me.


threw.

quote:

The king want's to see you.


wants

quote:

That makes me sound like a animal, but it IS the king. I thought.


an

quote:

It wasn't going well for the knights, though they fought valiantly, their was way to many undead.


there were

quote:

I tried to fire some of the dark energy at the undead, but doing so nearly made my fall out of the sky.


me

quote:

his name was Worma, though everyone called him Snaketongue, for his speech was as slippery as a snake and just as poisonous. He was hated by the people, but the king had made him his head adviser.


Reminds me of Jafar, the wicked adviser to the sultan.

Thus far this story reminds me of Raven's story. Dark girl with dark magic powers beyond that of wizards, shunned by townsfolk and who only has a blonde girl as friend.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 6
4/8/2011 8:23:48   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Aye it does Dwelling, however tigerlady had been planning this story long before she read mine and shortly after reading The Legacy of a Hero she noticed the similarities and sent me a pm pointing them out and asked if I wanted her to change her story. I refused, on the reasoning that if she was willing to risk having to rewrite her story then the similarities were indeed unintentional and thus I saw no other reason why she should have to change it :)
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
4/8/2011 8:42:44   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


@Mritha: Great minds think alike, eh?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 8
4/8/2011 12:34:54   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


Yes they do. Though, my story hopefully will feel like its own soon.
Thanks DD, made the corrections.

new chapter up already! (i'll probably slow down after this thought) Worma, you'll get you dues someday...


< Message edited by tigerlady48 -- 4/8/2011 14:27:43 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 9
4/8/2011 16:40:59   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

I put the broken staff in my bad, and then used some of the rope to tie the ex-necromancer up.


I take it you mean bag?

Now for Artix, his character seems off. The Artix I know would NEVER pass up a chance to fight undead.

Oh, did you read my story by the way?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 10
4/8/2011 16:44:17   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


Yay new chapter and yay my hotel has free internet! :D

quote:

I stood before the Kind

King
quote:

To me surprise, it was the paladins who spoke first.

my
quote:

They told the King how i had warned the leader of them

I
quote:

But before the Kind could say anything, Worma spoke.

King
quote:

Yes, I will bring you Sepulchure sword as well

Sepulchure's
quote:

At the edge of the crowd, I say the knight from before

saw
quote:

I eventually reached the inn, and there bought a traveler bad and some potions

bag
quote:

I put the broken staff in my bad, and then used some of the rope

bag
quote:

"Dark power users, theirs a difference."

there's
quote:

I cried for loss of a little angle at my own hand

angel
quote:

I would not gibe up, and in the end, that would be enough

give
quote:

I headed for the inn, and when I entered say it cheerier on the inside.

saw
quote:

I went to the desk and bought the cheapest room they had for the knight, and I also got my potions refilled.

night

As a helpful tip, to make it easier to break up the chapter you can use the "hr" key (located next to the quote button) which breaks the page like this

I found it is easier in my own writing rather than putting a bunch of these ________ in the chapter :)
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 11
4/8/2011 18:03:07   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


@DD not yet, I already promised Razen I would read his, but you're next.
as for artix, i do have to agree, I couldn't think of any reason he wouldn't jump in. But, I wanted my first necro to be defeated without help. I'll go back and change it to he gets hit with a stun spell (just having him walk in feels off).

and mirtha, thanks and fixed. sorry there are so many mistakes, when I go fast I often miss errors that aren't red underlined. will take more time in the future to review. oh, and I'll use that tip next time, thanks.


< Message edited by tigerlady48 -- 4/8/2011 18:06:13 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 12
4/8/2011 18:08:14   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


hahaha! Its no worries tigerlady, I struggle with that problem myself :) I'm trying to get into the habbit of slowly reading each of my chapters before I post them but some still manage to slip though :)
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 13
4/11/2011 1:39:01   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


New chapter up! this one sets the tone for quite a few chapters to come, so hope you enjoy!

and I have a question... is it against the rules to not use colored text, or does just nobody do it?

edit note: The story is now set with me in an inn, accounting my travels to the inn-people. They do occasionally say something, and most comments Shadow makes are directed at them. Any I make are author notes.


< Message edited by tigerlady48 -- 4/11/2011 12:36:42 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 14
4/11/2011 12:56:52   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


quote:

He looked thoughtful for a minute, then snapped his fingers and walked of for a minute,

off
quote:

"A rouge yaga. Most of them stay pretty quiet, but Scorchelle goes out of her way to be spiteful to other.

others
quote:

I was honestly surprised it mattered. "Yaga the, sorry. I really can't see the difference

then
quote:

"So a wannabe hero and a nooby mage as well. Tis, bet you can't control you powers either."

Tisk?

As for the colored text, as far as I know it is not against the rules. I never used it as it was simply eaiser not to :)
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 15
4/11/2011 13:09:33   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


fixed, thanks. and for some reason spell check thinks 'tisk' isn't a word...

I tried the colored text to see what would happen, but since I found it harder to read the main part will stay normal. might use it later though...
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 16
4/11/2011 13:12:22   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


@tigerlady48: In your story shadow compares Scorchelle to a sandwitch, but I thought they were the nice yagas?

Other than that the story seems to be going well.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 17
4/11/2011 13:17:41   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


/facepalm its been so long since I played that quest I forgot sandwitchs were the nice ones.
took that part out.

anyways, new chapter is up! it was SUPPOSE to be shorter this time, but that failed.

by now the theme of the next few stories is set, a tale where Shadow learns something in the end, much as we learn through our hardships in real life. If I get too preachy, feel free to point it out ;)

also, are these chapters as entertaining as the first? If not, how can I improve them?


< Message edited by tigerlady48 -- 4/12/2011 1:58:35 >
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 18
4/13/2011 0:50:21   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


And I immidiatly break that tradition; A new chapter is up. No battles though, as it is a continuation of chapter 5.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 19
4/13/2011 5:07:46   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

Last time I had asked rolith for a suggesting things hadn't gone so well...


suggestion

quote:

The necro who said this was called Jaspar


Said the necro(mancer) who went by the name of/was known as Jaspar.

quote:

"Your just a sniffly little girl, weak like all females.


You're

quote:

Now that I could say anything when I was on my face on the floor.


Not

quote:

"Its all my fault.... Oh God what have I done?"


Insert random god of choice from the Lorian pantheon.

quote:

I was surprised, this necro obviously was a mage as well.


Please note that necromancy is a form of magic. All magic users usually start out with the basics.
Being skilled with fire magic is a different story ....

But is this the end of the story?
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 20
4/13/2011 9:27:18   
nield
Creative!


Here I find myself drawn by mere curiosity. Here come the typos.

quote:

a power to control a energy
An.
quote:

all my life I had to forage in the woods and eat the scraps from others tables to live.
Grammatically speaking, what you want here is others'.
quote:

Many of the villager hated me, threw rocks at me
villagers.
quote:

since no one in around there
the 'in' is superfluous.
quote:

Though I undernourished, I was still very strong
Though I was undernourished.
quote:

but by then it was to late
too.
quote:

I know they would not go in there.
knew.
quote:

she looks like a evil witch
an.
quote:

who care how she killed our princess
cares.
quote:

she was bit by a serpent in the woods
bitten.
quote:

their is a bite mark on her hand
there.
quote:

the princess had dies of snakebite
died.
quote:

At what would a girl like her be doing in the woods
and.
quote:

I back away, but ran into the shut door.
backed.
quote:

end of my hand a orb of dark energy
an.
quote:

quickly approaching then point where I knew I could not control it.
the.
quote:

I was the cause of the entire villages death?
village's.
quote:

I could tell from the from the noise outside
Just one 'from the'.
quote:

Ah, your finally awake.
you're.
quote:

followed the guard the door.
'guard out the door'.
quote:

and there was few torches
were
quote:

either a statue of a knight, or a actual one
an.
quote:

I practices magic in secret
practised.
quote:

I will believe you argument that a snake killed Lily
your
quote:

I almost would have been more gratful to be killed
grateful.
quote:

so small their was no need to bar it.
There.
quote:

The knights shouts were getting steadily nearer to the castle, and I feared they may breach it. But then, a key groan in the lock of my cell door, and it opened.
knights' and groaned, respectively.
quote:

I wondered what the heck she was doing here off all places
of.
quote:

and since that town had one, I assume its you.
it's
quote:

I knew it Victoria would have a LOT of explaining to do if anyone found out
that.
quote:

you quite literally couldn't open it form the outside.
from.
quote:

or ice if they happened to be Bone Fire's.
Bone Fires.
quote:

and contemplated who in all the earth I was suppose to get up there. I knew mage's could learn levitation spells
how, of Lore, supposed and mages, respectively.
quote:

there were way to many undead.
too.
quote:

I notices some
noticed.
quote:

the realized with horror
then.
quote:

a advantage the other side wished to take
an.
quote:

but I could see the leader in all this mess
couldn't.
quote:

Yes, he over near the door.
he is over.
quote:

how many necro's could be in this particular fight?
necroes.
quote:

I fired a energy attack as a greeting
an.
quote:

I still levitated up a a lot to avoid attacks
just one 'a'.
quote:

undead slain and the medic's walking among the knights, treating they're wounds.
medics and their, respectively.
quote:

Tell you what, if your near Oaklore
you're.
quote:

By the way, what's you name?
your.
quote:

Yes, it that way.
it is that way.
quote:

the trail they were following was a animal trail
an.
quote:

Having grown up next/in the woods
next to/in.
quote:

This path led strait into Doomwood
straight.
quote:

I sent a ice shard at him
an.
quote:

he would have to re-learn necromancery to do it again
necromancy
quote:

and heard the first part about the 100 necromancer.
necromancers.
quote:

Dark power users, theres a difference.
there's.
quote:

necro- I mean- dark powered one to me too
ones.
quote:

and say that there was a little town a few miles away
saw.
quote:

As I walked I though, I thought about Lily,
'As I walked,'
quote:

and the overwhelming sorrow was to much
too.
quote:

Even if I failed, as long as I tried, thats what mattered.
that's.
quote:

I stood up and stood out confidently
strode off.
quote:

(I decided to stick with necro's for a while, since I knew how they fought). Gossip led me to a old woman of the town
necroes and an.
quote:

and the one's that left a literal mark on me will be described.
ones.
quote:

After deliberating wether to do light (since it was super-effective against necromancer)
whether and necromancers.
quote:

"Necro's here, necro's there, necro's, necro's everywhere!" I said in annoyance. "Either necro's are easier to find, talked about more, or their just plain isn't any other dark-power users.
necroes. There.
quote:

I was at a inn
an.
quote:

gather much-needed info on where to find necro's
necroes.
quote:

So, you after necromancer, huh?
necromancers.
quote:

There has to be more dark users than necro's, right?
necroes
quote:

why not nap a yaga?
nab.
quote:

a actual witch mind you
an.
quote:

Do you know of any yaga's to nab?
yagas.
quote:

you a paladin of something
or.
quote:

but the yaga's in Amityville might
yagas
quote:

gave me directions to where I could find the yaga's
yagas.
quote:

Eventually I must have fell asleep
fallen.
quote:

If not hear to destroy this place
here.
quote:

It YAGA not witch.
it's.
quote:

and I thought yaga's kept tags on each other
yagas and tabs.
quote:

but we can do a locater spell
locator.
quote:

It was a Amityville special
an.
quote:

challenged each other to a eat-off of the stuff
an.
quote:

as many alive pumpkins obviously didn't like me taking their brethren
live.
quote:

I went to the well and lower myself in to retrieve some fungus
lowered
quote:

She never switches lair's no matter how much she moves around.
lairs.
quote:

I then thanked the yaga's, and turned to leave.
yagas.
quote:

I had a idea of where it would be
an.
quote:

As I slept, I dreamed, or rather nightmares
'dreamt, or rather, had nightmares'.
quote:

Its yaga, insolent girl.
it's.
quote:

I hit her with a ice attack
an
quote:

the yaga doing fireball's
fireballs.
quote:

Bet your a wannabe hero who decide to pick on a little old fire mage
you're and decided.
quote:

Tisk, bet you can't control you powers either.
Tsk.
quote:

Well, thats one thing that we both share.
that's.
quote:

so how is my reason any better than your?
yours.
quote:

unless their was no other option.
there.
quote:

I then focused on her neckless, which I just noticed it was glowing strangely. A thought hit me like one of my thunderbolts, the neckless was her weapon, and if I could destroy it...
necklace.
quote:

I ran up and yanked the neckless over the yaga's head
necklace.
quote:

I bagged the neckless
necklace.
quote:

began the walk to Okalore to deliver the prisoner.
Oaklore.
quote:

Amityville yaga's a few days later, I found half the stew gone, and no affects on the yaga's
yagas.
quote:

yaga/necro's/darkness users I met, since most were bad. I was willing to admit to there were exceptions though.
yagas/necroes/darkness users, that.
quote:

This I learned, and other things as well. Thats why this tale is on the list, for while the yaga was not much harder than normal (though normal wasn't normal by most people's standards),
learnt, that's, peoples'.
quote:

and the lessons learned put this in the top list.
learnt.
quote:

for it mainly consist on the same moves over and over again. I find it boring to remember every.single.move and I guess its worse to hear.
consists of, it's.
quote:

The Illusionist and the Necromanceress.
necromantress.
quote:

that acts like a layer of steel, re-enforcing the staff even further
reinforcing.
quote:

devoting a least a hour a day to this.
at.
quote:

Last time I had asked rolith for a suggesting things hadn't gone so well...
suggestion.
quote:

I shuttered. But even then I kept silent. Now that I could say anything when I was on my face on the floor.
shuddered, not.
quote:

What stopping me from just beating up a bunch of little newbs
what's
quote:

I DID answer, its wrong, and besides that, the necro's are training for seppy
it's, necroes, Sepulchure, because I highly doubt she'd refer to him as Seppy...
quote:

When I reached Okalore though
Oaklore.
quote:

I pushed this though away
thought.
quote:

I told you not to go bugging the necro's
necroes.
quote:

Rolith is captured and its all your fault! your so weak
it's, you're.
quote:

And now its happening again." I moaned. "Its all my fault
it's.
quote:

The necromnceress
necromantress.
quote:

feeling the others strength
other's.
quote:

a fire ice combo that hot in rapid succession. I was fighting harder band faster than I ever had before
shot, and.
quote:

this fire into a almighty fireball
an.
quote:

Its a good thing she dodged, I doubted she could have survived that without sever burns.
It's, severe.
quote:

which were a little stronger to kill.
harder.
quote:

I finally managed to hit the necromanceress with a powerful wind attack
necroantress.
quote:

but as I wanted her conscience
conscious.
quote:

Where Rolith?
Where's.
quote:

Thats the worse lie I ever heard
That's, worst.
quote:

I knew a lier when I saw one
liar.
quote:

I don't see any of ,y teachers and they wouldn't miss it.
my.
quote:

Its just that Jaspar is a master illusionist
it's.
quote:

did he ever once hit you
I think you want this the other way around.
quote:

put prisoners their if he wasn't present, so I set the necromanceress under the tree, and the flew back to Oaklore.
there, necromantress, then.
quote:

but then I did a anti-illusion spell, which revealed everyone in there proper places
an, their.
quote:

but left out what I the horrors my mind had conjured up
'but left out the horrors'.
quote:

the way your talking you have another necro already needed to be defeated?
you're, needing.
quote:

You know me to well. When your ready
too, you're.
quote:

After my battle with the Necromanceress
necromantress.
quote:

I said the charm wear's off after awhile
wears.
quote:

"Lily, its good to see you." "Its good to see you too little tiger.
it's.
quote:

Now come on, lets play
let's.
quote:

Its okay little tiger.
it's.
quote:

But oh, who life is cruel
how.
quote:

so I slowly crept up on, wanting for once to surprise her
'so I slowly crept up on her'.
quote:

Somethings wrong
Something's
quote:

I mean its Doomwood for the love of God!
it's.
quote:

Because its just a dream, when I open up me I will lose you
it's, my eyes.
quote:

and my hearts about to break
heart's.
quote:

I'm hung a wish
I've.
quote:

And its my fault you can't
it's.


Alright, after trudging through that wall of typos, you need to understand that I did, in fact enjoy the story. *thumbs up* If you ever want your work spell-checked, just give me a nudge. A few base pointers. 's is used as either a possessive suffix with a noun, or a conjugative suffix with verbs/pronouns. i.e it's- it is. yaga's- belongs to the yaga. 's is NEVER used as plurals.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 21
4/13/2011 14:49:21   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


@nield wow. just wow. Okay, you officially get to join the grammar police! (my grammer teacher often referes to herself as the grammer police, and I thought I would never see anyone nearly as thourall as her...). fixed and thanks. as for the 's thing, for some reason I never get that right.

@DD first, I don't know what the different gods of Lore are, at least form where DF stands. acaully, I have no clue who any of them are at all, except the chickencow one and I'm not mentioning him.
second, I changed the necro to be a 'fully-trained mage', i.e. she has mastered bother necromancery and normal magic.
third, no the story isn't even close to be over! I still have at least 5 more battle chapters, and the battle against seppy, and a LOT of things I won't mention yet... bit I'm curious, what made you think that?
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 22
4/13/2011 14:58:11   
Mortarion
Member

Ma'lady could you tell this humble servant of the plague the main outlet of this history

_____________________________

AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 23
4/13/2011 15:12:35   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


quote:

What, expecting a happy ending? There isn't one. I woke up and focused on the task at hand, earning my freedom. I didn't have time during the day to think about what happened, and during the night sleep offered relief. Usually anyways.
I wanted to add this tale in to show that even if I never mention the accident, it is never far from my mind.


@tigerlady48: It looks like the epilogue of a story.

As for some gods Raven might pay tribute to.

Lorithia: The Creator and the Spirit Lord.
The Darkness Lord: This is rather obvious.
The Light Lord: The Paladin Order answers to her.

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 4/13/2011 15:14:04 >
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 24
4/13/2011 15:26:05   
Shadow Ravena
Paladin of Shadows


@Delex, Kind Gentleman, I would be glad too if I understood what 'main outlet' mean. Care to enlighten me?
(okay, it is really fun writing that way)

@DD ohh, I get it. It is an epilogue, but to that chapter! And an explenation for the rest of the story, for Shadow's frame of mind hasn't changed at the future point she's at now (translate: she's the same at the inn and as was in the field).
as for the gods, what is the lord of Light's name? (as my phrase is 'fight for truth justice Light and honor light fits best)
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 25
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All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> AE Fanfiction Discussion >> (DF/HS) Library of Shadows
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