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(DF) The Coming of the Dawn C&C

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8/3/2012 17:54:06   
Hopeful Guy

Hope Upbringer! (DragonFable)


 Work.

Discuss. This story talks about my clan. Adown, Eragon, and Varen are the 3 founders, and the rest will come in soon.
DF  Post #: 1
8/4/2012 4:58:49   
Glais
Member

Just curious, is this canonical to Varen's L&L?
quote:

"I d-don't own anything w-worth taking," Adown stuttered. "But what I do know," he said, more confidently, "is that you are an absolute jerk!" With that he quickly took out the bandit's dagger from his belt, then stabbed him.

Seems a bit unrealistic that a kid would be able to outmaneuver and kill a Bandit leader, letalone the whole gang.

Eragon...?


Those things aside, writing seems solid so far.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 8/4/2012 4:59:00 >
DF MQ  Post #: 2
8/4/2012 5:06:35   
Hopeful Guy

Hope Upbringer! (DragonFable)


 Nope. Varen's L&L is separate. The fight with the bandits... well, when Eragon teaches Adown the art of wielding daggers as a Rogue, he sees him as a natural. May reconsider that, though. Thanks.
DF  Post #: 3
8/4/2012 5:31:25   
Glais
Member

So...Varen's in it, but this didn't happen for him?

Also, they just met *Eragon* so how could he have knife skills?

Oh wait. But even so, him killing several grown men is a bit...unlikely.
DF MQ  Post #: 4
8/4/2012 6:00:26   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 I can't find any grammar or spelling mistakes, unless you count this.

quote:

And so, in the Evil spread by Mogloween 2011, the Light embraced the Darkness.


The thing what is bothering me though, is that you mentioned that the clan was founded not too long (a few days) after you met Eragon. It sounds like the introductionary forest of Oaklore where the new heroes always come through and so I am to believe this story plays before the heroes' story in Dragonfable has started. You can imagine how surprised I was when suddenly Mogloween was mentioned out of the blue.

Should you wish to proceed with this setting, I'd suggest you change the setting so that it's clear we're almost near Mogloween. Do something with the weather for instance or mention the threat Lore was facing at the time.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 5
8/4/2012 6:27:48   
Hopeful Guy

Hope Upbringer! (DragonFable)


 Just basically took out the clause mentioning Mogloween, thanks. I decided that the time isn't really important, because at any rate I'm not going to mention much about time in future chapters.

glai: Varen's L&L... well, I'm not sure. I might just ask Varen about it. But if it was canon to this, Varen's story would be set about 20 years later. This is about a teenage Varen. And I tweaked that fight.
DF  Post #: 6
8/8/2012 13:37:53   
Varen6398
Friendly!, Constructive!
Creative!


 This isn't canon to my L&L Glai. Come to think of it, there are going to be multiple stories about the founding of the clan, as Stephen Nix promised to make one as well (this was before Hopeful drew his own version up). In other words, anything not written by me isn't canon to my L&L. :)

When I first came onto the forums two members talked to me a lot and treated me as a friend (this was when I was still new. If you go look at my first few posts they were rather...arrogant). These two were adown (who is now inactive) and Eragon1225. Eragon comes online every now and again, but he's mainly a farmer on DF, not a talker. I talked with them and asked if they wanted to found a clan with me, and they said yes. I believe Hopeful mentioned Mogloween because that was round-abouts the time we came up with the idea of the clan. We were going to be called The Celestial Knights but...it didn't sound right.
DF  Post #: 7
8/8/2012 13:45:38   
Hopeful Guy

Hope Upbringer! (DragonFable)


 There's the explanation then.
DF  Post #: 8
8/20/2012 19:18:37   
Hopeful Guy

Hope Upbringer! (DragonFable)


 Updated. Note that chapter 3 is not over yet.
DF  Post #: 9
8/28/2012 11:52:16   
Hopeful Guy

Hope Upbringer! (DragonFable)


 Smallish update.
DF  Post #: 10
9/1/2012 20:55:26   
Glais
Member

quote:

Voidstar and Celeritas got into a massive argument after my father publicly disrespected Light, so my parents were punished by Light, which prompted Voidstar to almost start a god war, but Lorithia intervened to stop it?"

Just a question on this bit, an Avatar can start an entire god war? I mean, there's tons of Avatars, WF even showed there are different Avatars of the 8 Elements for different planets. Seems kind of odd Voidstar can start a god war.

But anyhow besides that, things seem to be going well so far.
DF MQ  Post #: 11
9/3/2012 8:11:11   
Hopeful Guy

Hope Upbringer! (DragonFable)


 Update.

@glai: But the Lords control their avatars, so it's actually the Lord of Darkness who's waging war.
DF  Post #: 12
9/3/2012 8:28:08   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L


 Next time just say a chapter is up, when you say something like "smallish update" I read it as editing an existing chapter.
quote:

killing three sneevils and a gorillaphant. They had duly skinned the creatures

I find it quite morbid to read that they skinned and cooked Sneevils (sentient creatures who used to be human children). (Not qualified for Anoril* or Highlord Sendai** to read.)

quote:

It was the low of my entire life.

worst day?

quote:

A light elemental had stabbed Adown in the back.

Did these light elementals carry weapons? If so, you should write that down.

*Gorillaphant fan.
**Sneevil fan.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 13
9/3/2012 17:27:12   
Glais
Member

Yeah I agree (though I don't really...accept that children backstory personally). It's the equivalent of eating a small human. I've seen people write this in several times actually.

Gorillaphants are at least animals, but yeah Anoril wouldn't be happy xD
DF MQ  Post #: 14
11/20/2012 14:41:59   
Hopeful Guy

Hope Upbringer! (DragonFable)


 Updated..
DF  Post #: 15
11/20/2012 16:25:00   
  Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L
quote:

Womba and Lloyd, a Ice elementalist, were the newest members of the clan, and at such a time it was important for somebody to step up and take authority, as Varen was still grieving over Adown, the fallen hero.

an

quote:

He had a few loves;

number of

Will the next chapter talk a bit about the story? The last sentence certainly seems to hint at something to happen.
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 16
11/20/2012 16:43:48   
Hopeful Guy

Hope Upbringer! (DragonFable)


 Yep. In fact, the version on our clan forums already has part of it up. I just like updating this version in larger chunks.
DF  Post #: 17
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