Sacrificium- The Last Saint C&C


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2/26/2013 21:31:14

lordkaho
Creative!

Read it here

Hello again. Uni had made me quite busy lately so I hadn't much time to read or write.

This story is a rewrite, or more specifically, a 'reboot' of sorts of a play I have made back in highschool. Basically the premise was about a boy struggling in a post-Tribulation Earth where legions from Hell are razing the world and all that was left after the selected ascension. In a series of events, by sheer act of Faith, he fights his way with some allies he found along the way into the stronghold of all the world's corruption, the False Papacy.

If it hasn't been made obvious yet, yes this is a story set based on the Book of Revelations. The original script was pretty cheesy and needed more refinement, (back then all that mattered was a flashy coreographed fight scene so nobody bothered to notice the lack of character development), so here's my take on it. It's also pretty short too.

Enjoy.

--------------------------------------

P.S. It seems I have a lot of reading to catch up to. Ha ha.

*Edited some of the Prologue*

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 2/26/2013 23:23:36 >

Post #: 1

2/27/2013 5:30:21

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

Interesting story, nearly had me thinking you were talking about Himmel.

Please keep in mind to use http://quietube.com/v.php/ in front of youtube links to keep distractions at a minimum.

AQW

Post #: 2

2/27/2013 22:33:10

lordkaho
Creative!

Nah. The plot is no longer about 'Gaia's vengeance' but instead a typical good vs evil story.

I think I have submitted this story before here, but that one had more Final Fantasy vibes. This is one is supposed to be more like a mishmash of Doom/Castle Wolfenstein with a side dish of Japanese stereotypes that I love so much.

The first one also got a bit too far on the religious extremism/forced moral belief scale, so I'll try to be more subtle here.

Post #: 3

3/1/2013 9:42:25

lordkaho
Creative!

Chapter 1 up.

Post #: 4

3/2/2013 13:28:16

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

I don't know why, but the post was broader than usual and that made reading the new chapter harder.

quote:

They have been waiting for roughly an hour.

had

quote:

Now their planetary scourge has led them half-way around the Earth to the South-East Asian isles, and in this particular excursion, Artellerie-Hauptmann Gunther is officer-in-command of 'purging' some stray dogs.

had, was

quote:

Not one of the Faithfuls have ever scampered out of their make-shift bunkers and hiding holes to surrender.

had

quote:

Was it because they remind him of a past that cannot be brought back? Or maybe because they cling to such modes of escapism, such as turning to faith in times of darkness that he believed is ultimately fruitless in the grand scale of things?

reminded, clung, was

quote:

The tremendous force from the cannons sent tremors across the landscape, and tall clouds of dust and smoke began to creep up towards the key, cloaking the entire sector until it was nothing could be seen but a dark sheet of smoke.

quote:

he now looks more less a dignified holy man and more like a drunkard

looked

quote:

I have KNOW these peop-...No, these demons.

KNOW/have KNOWN

quote:

The Captain has decided

had

quote:

Gunther spoke nothing, but reached for <> silver watch.

quote:

Patrick soon discovered Gunther's hand hold him in a tight grip.

held

quote:

It wasn't an easy feat moving out a party of twenty children and seven adults but Bishop Aleksander may <> be old, but he was a capable leader of men.

have been

quote:

He alone had the strength to fend away both men and demons and now that he's gone, he feared how long would they sustain themselves in the unforgiving wilderness of this dark world.

was

AQW

Post #: 5

3/2/2013 20:10:25

lordkaho
Creative!

What do you mean by 'broader' DD? Do you mean the structure of the paragraphs? It really makes me wish there was a justify option besides right and center.

...Tenses be damned.

---------------------------

Changed some of Patrick's dialogue to be less 'jarring'.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 3/3/2013 1:30:03 >

Post #: 6

3/3/2013 15:25:34

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

Not the contents of the post, but rather the post itself.

Oh, missed one.

quote:

Was it because they remind him of a past that cannot be brought back?

<done>, could not

AQW

Post #: 7

3/7/2013 20:48:00

Argeus the Paladin
Member

Very interesting. But first, let me put on my nosy critic cap.

*cap on*

My biggest beef with this piece is, where did they get all the cool toys? Or wait, how did they even survive and build up a fascist state so fast?

The world just went bust. Morgoth has awoken and eaten the Sun and the Moon. The Four Riders has arrived. The sea has turned to blood, that kind of thing. You specifically stated that the planet kind of looks like what was going on in The Road with the sun being blocked out and all that, which is all nice and dandy and mood-setting...

... except that this sort of thing kills plant life. Dead. As in no warmth, no food, no air. That exactly what happened in the aforementioned novel: everyone is screwed and there's no way around it. Even if there's magic to lend a hand, what would probably ensue is a frantic dash to the underground, moving every survivor and production industries to a man-made cavern system and hope for the best (a la Arx Fatalis). Warfare and conquest would be the last thing on the survivors' mind.

Even if they DO manage to band together in a sufficiently large group to plan some good old military action, the sheer chaos the whole thing would have thrown the planet into would make it literally impossible to maintain any chain of command system more complicated than a warlord-and-ruffian raider command. And even that would have taken much, much longer than three years. Take Arx Fatalis for example again: It took them a solid while to set up everything, and that's a magical world.

(As a note, all of this can and will happen if something blows up a sufficiently thick cloud of dust into the stratosphere, or if the sun decides to inch away a little bit from its current position. Yes, astrology is scary - you realize EVERYTHING will be screwed if the sun just moves a tiny bit away from where it currently is.)

On a less 'total apocalyptic' scale, we have a world-breaking nuclear war (since it's hinted that life could and would still return) where you have Fallout and the Enclave, which kind of fulfills your bad guy's position as the wannable world conqueror and purger of all that isn't them. And yet it took them literally decades, if not almost a century, to become a credible threat to the world after awakening from the oil rig. In the sense of civilization reestablishing itself, we have the NCR, which took generations of presidents and nearly a century to become a somewhat functioning state with total population equal to... a small city today, and still struggling to not get eaten by deathclaws on a daily basis.

Point is, any apocalyptic event that results in anything more than 50% of the human population gone across all frontiers AND/OR severe alteration of the living atmosphere would take a VERY long time to recover from, if not utterly impossible, as in if the sun goes bust.

The technical writing is well done, as always, but... LOGIC. It runs contrary to any rule of cool, I'm afraid.

*cap off*

In any case, I'm looking forward for more. Maybe we'll get an answer.

Post #: 8

3/8/2013 2:35:30

lordkaho
Creative!

Argeus, my friend! You're back!

Anyway, as for your comment. You missed one little bit of detail.

The prologue and all that End of Evangelion-esque apocalyptic scenario happens three years LATER. Chapter 1 and subsequent chapters happen before the world goes down the crapper.

Though, I do owe you guys some explanation to the Alien Sky present in the setting and the atmosphere being less than hospitable to the human body.

Other than that, the current setting is pretty much Post-Nuclear Warfare where technology gets pushed back to the 20th century, with relics from the past age scattered all around the world. And yes, magic does exist in this story.

About the Fascist Government, more will be revealed in later chapters.

spoiler:

It has something to do with the Third Impac-...I mean 'Rapture'. Millions of people suddenly vanishing and all that jazz.

Anyway, thanks for the read Argeus, and welcome back, comrade.

Post #: 9

3/8/2013 4:16:26

Argeus the Paladin
Member

... My eyes betrayed me. Seriously, whenever I see a prologue followed by a "X years" I would automatically glimpse past the line and assume it meant "Later". Sorry about that LK.

A big cue that I probably shouldn't dive head-first into reading projects mere weeks from finishing a novel. *scratches head*

DF	Post #: 10

3/9/2013 9:06:58

Legendium
Member

quote:

"FEUERN!!"

Wrong conjugation. Leave the "n" out, it's only used for polite talk or in front of the word "wir." Feuern sie, or feuern wir, but otherwise it's just plain "FEUER!"

quote:

maschinengewhr

Typo. You spelled it right later, so I assume it's a typo.
It's in the part where Captain Gunther is first introduced, close to the place where the priest is introduced.

quote:

It wasn't an easy feat moving out a party of
twenty children and seven adults but Bishop Aleksander may be old, but he was a capable leader of men.

I'm tempted to say run-on sentence, but I'm not sure. Either way, it sounds odd with the word "but" used twice in the same sentence. I'd split this one in two, if I were you.

An interesting story in general. I enjoyed it so far.

< Message edited by Legendium -- 3/9/2013 9:32:04 >

Epic

Post #: 11

3/10/2013 1:21:09

lordkaho
Creative!

Made some changes and corrections, then some additions to get a better grip of the setting.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 3/10/2013 1:23:12 >

Post #: 12

3/11/2013 22:28:46

lordkaho
Creative!

New Chapter up.

Post #: 13

3/12/2013 9:52:51

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

quote:

Don’t you think, mein fruende?

mein freund/meine freunde

quote:

Called ‘Black Steel’ by many, they are the state’s paramilitary force in charge of ordering the state’s own armed powers for the purges and the cleansing of various suspected sectors.

were

The Oberstleutnant sounds somewhat like a lord of the Sith.

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 3/12/2013 16:23:02 >

AQW

Post #: 14

3/12/2013 11:10:49

Argeus the Paladin
Member

Now, after rereading the first chapter, coupled with this part, I found something extremely odd.

Normally I would have little qualm with the WH40K elite-spam and more bullets than there are hair on your enemies' head, but consider this:

Why would the 4th Reich expend such a massive amount of resources - on artillery battalion followed by a platoon of creme de la creme on a tiny band of refugee consisting of mostly children?

Now, there was one explanation for this you tried to put up: In chapter 1 the Hauptmann was stated to belong to a terror-spreading unit, which at first might give the impression that they are trying to make an example of splinter refugee groups. It seems to make sense...

... until you realize that there are two possible macro-political scenarios. In both scenarios, the wanton wastage of resources are unexplainable:

- If the Reich had conquered much of the known world, and Christianity (let's call a rabbit a rabbit here) is reduced to but a handful of caravans of refugees, giving them so much firework is going to be extremely detrimental. On one hand, collateral damage and all the risks associated with operating heavy ordnance. On the other, it would do a nation priding itself on might no favor for bringing serious arms to unarmed outlaws. If they win, the victory is hollow. If they lose, that's a mountain of shame right there that would do a God Emperor little good.

- On the other hand, if they had not, this implies they are still meeting resistance elsewhere strong enough to withstand the juggernaught you implied. Which means they certainly cannot waste resources - guns and ammo - on a bunch of mostly harmless refugees.

In either case, the best solution would have been commando and spec ops rather than artillery battalions. Independent no-fanfare, no-nonsense hunter-killer groups less than half a dozen strong that does everything from information-gathering, tracking, staling to slitting their targets' throat in their sleep. Quiet, inconspicuous, efficient, and FAR more fright-inducing "You can run, but you can't hide" while playing on the human paranoia on things they cannot see coming, compared to the lugging of heavy armament everywhere. Especially if the refugees had among them a person of great significance - you want the job done with minimal fuss and discovery chance.

The problem with the amount of theatrics you put up is that, while it could appear dramatic at first sight, when you take a look at it from the logical perspective it starts to fall apart. This has the unfortunate side effect of turning your villains into the dystopian literature equivalent of cackling Saturday cartoon villain rather than being actually scary, like Janos. You would want him to be grim, and a fanatic while at the same time calculating and logical. Nothing is more frightening than a villain who's evil and who is at the same time completely sane and brutally efficient at what he's doing.

(Of course, in writing this I realize it would be much, much less epic on paper. You could also handwave it that the Reich leadership is utterly nuts, but then it would call into question how they even managed to conquer so much of the known world. Unless, of course, their resources grow on trees while their enemies' don't

)

DF	Post #: 15

3/12/2013 16:04:27

Legendium
Member

@Dwelling

Actually, it's just mein Freund. Seeing as he's talking to a singular person. And Freund is a substantive, it needs to be capitalized. (Speaking of capitalization on substantives, Oberstleutnant should be capitalized in your post. ;)

quote:

Schwarzestahlgruppe

The "e" is left out when combining words. So it would be Schwarzstahl.

You have an inconsistency with Hermutt and Hermut.

quote:

against the Reich.

So it really is Germany behind this? Hmm, might just be my lack of concentration, but I'm not sure if this was mentioned before, or just generally conveyed through all the German words and themes.

Well done. The story is taking shape, with the (I presume) good guys on the run from the inhuman Duke Nukem German Style characters. (Note: I meant for that to sound stupid and inaccurate)

< Message edited by Legendium -- 3/12/2013 16:07:03 >

Epic

Post #: 16

3/14/2013 1:00:42

lordkaho
Creative!

quote:

The problem with the amount of theatrics you put up is that, while it could appear dramatic at first sight, when you take a look at it from the logical perspective it starts to fall apart

Yes, I realized this. Why would you have a dozen unsupported artillery pieces in the middle of nowhere? That was why I added axillary troops and mentioned several support vehicles. It also seems I forgot to stress just how many refugees were there all in all, and no it's much larger than just a handful of children. Another alternative would have been to send an armored battalion like tanks and other light AFVs, but I'm saving the Panzerwaffe for another chapter.

The Faithful are also what you wouldn't say 'harmless'. Some of the best 'Executors' from Universalis' (if it isn't more obvious, this refers to the Roman Catholic) own version of the Nasuverse's Burial Agency are still alive. Fr. Patrick was just one of the surviving few...Until you know what happened.

I made new edits in Chapter 1 again, to better clarify this.

quote:

You could also handwave it that the Reich leadership is utterly nuts, but then it would call into question how they even managed to conquer so much of the known world. Unless, of course, their resources grow on trees while their enemies' don't

The war is already over though. The bad guys won* and are picking off the left of the scraps. Though, you could say that the Reich are just wasting ammunition since there are no enemies left.

spoiler:

* I'm sure you guys already know this, but the setting is just an alternate take on history, WW2 in particular. Imagine what would have happened if Imperial Japan didn't bomb Pearl Harbor, America planned to play turtle for the rest of the war since the wrong President got elected, the Lend-Lease Act wasn't ratified and the Soviets outspent themselves fighting both Germany and Japan, the Luftwaffe had beat the Royal Airforce at the battle of Britain, etc.

Oh and Hitler was a cute tsundere little girl.

Ha ha just kidding.

quote:

So it really is Germany behind this? Hmm, might just be my lack of concentration, but I'm not sure if this was mentioned before, or just generally conveyed through all the German words and themes.

The 4th Reich is indeed just the 3rd Reich but slightly influenced by the Kaiserreich as Germany is now made up of all the states it lost after both World Wars (in our timeline that is). It is however, not under the rule of a Kaiser or a Fuhrer. You'll get to see in a couple of chapters eventually.

^

More of the setting would be explained as I go on. Thanks again for reading you guys.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 3/14/2013 5:30:07 >

Post #: 17

3/14/2013 7:39:38

Argeus the Paladin
Member

quote:

* I'm sure you guys already know this, but the setting is just an alternate take on history, WW2 in particular. Imagine what would have happened if Imperial Japan didn't bomb Pearl Harbor, America planned to play turtle for the rest of the war since the wrong President got elected, the Lend-Lease Act wasn't ratified and the Soviets outspent themselves fighting both Germany and Japan, the Luftwaffe had beat the Royal Airforce at the battle of Britain, etc.

I've got a problem with that.

World War II was NOT a religious war by any stretch. It had never been a "Catholic vs Obscenely Powerful Cult" situation. Nazi Germany was, IIRC, as Christian as the rest of Europe. It was entirely a war fought out of political ideology and German's desperation after the GD. I suppose with enough "what if" you can at most give it something of a religious spin, but even then it still could not have been the driving force.

A possible twist I can think of is to have Hitler actually die in 1938 and fulfilling his part as "the greatest German premier since Bismarck" as someone has said, but then have his successor be the ~~Antichrist~~ super-evil god-emperor of the Reich. His new religion cult succeeded in turning the whole Catholic world against him... and beat the crap out of them before turning his attention to Russia (because he didn't see Soviet Russia as a threat, and Stalin was willing to play along) except the 'States, which stayed out until it's too late.

spoiler:

And yes, I know a few German people who might take issues with Hitler being a tsundere little girl. That's basically why I always as a precaution leave my inner animu fanboy out of 20th century politics.

(Also, speaking of WWII: Grab Hearts of Iron II/III while you are at it.)

< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 3/14/2013 7:40:38 >

DF	Post #: 18

3/14/2013 15:35:37

Legendium
Member

@Argeus' Spoiler

I certainly don't take any offense, but I also cannot see Hitler as a little girl. As moralities among humans go, he was almost pure evil. And I can't imagine a person who used and regarded people as things to be taken advantage of (not in the second meaning sense) as a tsundere little girl.

Epic

Post #: 19

3/14/2013 23:29:32

lordkaho
Creative!

quote:

World War II was NOT a religious war by any stretch. It had never been a "Catholic vs Obscenely Powerful Cult" situation. Nazi Germany was, IIRC, as Christian as the rest of Europe. It was entirely a war fought out of political ideology and German's desperation after the GD. I suppose with enough "what if" you can at most give it something of a religious spin, but even then it still could not have been the driving force.

Games like Wolfenstein and the many other accusations that about how the N-Party were delving into the occult to fight the war might beg to differ. Also the 4th Reich is not persecuting the Faithfuls for their beliefs, though this can be linked. The reason, which is stated in Chapter 1, is that the Faithfuls refuse to become part of the Reich because of a religious prophecy. The Reich of course takes this as a form of defiance and gave them an ultimatum, which is to join or perish. If you're familiar with the Book of Revelation, and considering the setting takes place in the Age of Tribulation, you can easily see why the Faithfuls would view the Reich as something else otherwise, despite their rather good intentions.

quote:

A possible twist I can think of is to have Hitler actually die in 1938 and fulfilling his part as "the greatest German premier since Bismarck" as someone has said, but then have his successor be the Antichrist super-evil god-emperor of the Reich. His new religion cult succeeded in turning the whole Catholic world against him... and beat the crap out of them before turning his attention to Russia (because he didn't see Soviet Russia as a threat, and Stalin was willing to play along) except the 'States, which stayed out until it's too late.

This is an interesting point. I'll take note of it. Like the Non-Agression Pact between Germany and Russia was never broken as the two were busy plundering Poland. The Motherland gets all comfy and relaxed until she finds the Fatherland knocking at her door... And no innuendos intended there.

The result would be Operation Barbarossa...which actually succeeded before the dreaded Russian winter came to bite the Wehrmacht's butt.

< Message edited by lordkaho -- 3/14/2013 23:31:29 >

Post #: 20

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