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Mistermafio -> RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. Two new poems up. Go read! (6/7/2010 3:13:15)
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Well, it might be a strange honour, but it's a real honour nonetheless.
I agree that little might not be the best choice of words, but I really like how it pads the line and flow. I've considered brittle as a substitute, but I'm not sure if that's the best choice. If I could get someone's opinion on that before I change it, that would be great.
Haha, I'm well aware of the colours of grass and water. From the point of view of the second person, the lier, it is a simple explanation of why grass is black and water white. Instead of a lie, it might not be the truth, but he tells it as is. Therefore, I'm more then happy with the choice of words I used. :P
The lier in this poem, at least in my interpertation of it, promisses the narrator a different truth then the truth most people believe (hence the black grass). This line is nothing more then the narrator repeating the lier as he tells him he can make him see what the world is "really" like. I think it fits, though that could just be me.
I did change the comma in a semicolon.
Also changed lie into lied.
I don't really feel for adding the 'will' to that stanza, I'm quite happy with the shift as it is. At least the way I read it, and I have too much doubt in my abilities as a writer to be able to say I can pull off adding a will to that sentence without messing up the flow I created for myself.
I am glad you liked the poem, it's good to hear you can relate to the narrator, even though he's in a situation I hope most people don't have any experience with. And I thank you for your comments, even though I didn't change a lot, they helped me a lot. Plus, they gave me a great reason to think about the poem more, which made me realise this is one of the very few poems I've written I am truly happy with.
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