Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories {New: Rough District} (Full Version)

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Amboo -> Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories {New: Rough District} (6/25/2008 18:43:56)

A collection of some short stories wrote by me which in time will grow.

Without further adieu, BAMBOO JUNGLE

Contents

The perfect shot

Mans best friend

Rough District




Amboo -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (6/26/2008 20:33:38)

New short story, Mans best friend.




Eukara Vox -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (6/26/2008 23:20:58)

quote:

I feel it would be better to tell you now, before you start wondering what kind of person urinates on lampposts and sniffs at people's bottoms.
The first comma is probably very optional.

quote:

I don’t think you would care for me very much after it
.Hmmm, I am thinking this line needs a little more elaboration. Mostly because I don't really see why it is needed. But if you dive it a little more, it would change my mind.

quote:

My master refers to me as Roxy, so I suppose you should also unless he returns and wants to call me differently.
I think this sentence is too heavy. You should think about breaking this up.

quote:

You see, my master left for an afternoon walk the yesterday without me for some reason and I haven’t seen him since.
"afternoon walk the yesterday" - I don't understand the phrasing here, the yesterday?

quote:

I feel so confined in this house - no water, no food; I am beginning to think maybe master has abandoned me.
This looks fine to me. Your judgement. Either way, the sentence either needs this split or to be totally separated.

quote:

I hope he comes home soon to give me some attention, that cat has been strutting around like she owns the place!
Hmm, this sentence has too much too. I would break it up like this: "I hope he comes home soon. I need some attention and that cat has been strutting like she owns the place!"

quote:

But wait, I think I can smell him.
At first I had a problem with this sentence, but then I realized it was perfect. So like a dog. Goes on and on about something, and then suddenly -BAM- his attention is totally on something else.

quote:

MASTER! MASTER! MASTER!” I screamed as I saw the vision of my person.

“Draggle foofle gribble Roxy trigglt yippy floop!” he exclaimed.

“MASTER, I DON’T KNOW WHAT JUST YOU SAID BUT I'M SO HAPPY YOUR HOME!.”

“Gabble gible fupper Walkies Bumblip hop.”

“Oh yes master I would love walkies right now,” I said as he hooked the leash around my neck and walked with me out the back door. It felt great to be outdoors again, the fresh smell of morning dew on the grass, the birds chirping and I could smell a cat somewhere. My first ambition was to find a nice lamppost as I have not been outside in over a day.


quote:

It felt great to be outdoors again, the fresh smell of morning dew on the grass, the birds chirping and I could smell a cat somewhere.
Alright, he is taking in the sights, is finally outside and you have him walking. What?! He should be darting here and there, sniffing everything, pulling at the leash in frustration as he tries to find that cat. His claws should be scraping against the concrete of the sidewalk as he tries to pull his master along. Where's the frustration at not being able to get to all that great stuff! Whew, I feel like the dog now, frustrated that I can't get anything!

quote:

My first ambition was to find a nice lamppost, as I have not been outside in over a day.


quote:

I walked down the street with my master to the closest lamppost and relieved myself, just as another dog and his master were coming down the street towards us. I immediately went up and greeted the dog with a friendly sniff of her bottom while the dog's master gave me a strange look and moved on.
Gender agreement!

quote:

“Don’t mind her master, she is just rude not to say hello” I said but once again he chose to ignore me and just pressed on forwards to the woods in the park where we always go on our walks.
This needs a little separation. Too much going on in such a large sentence.

quote:

I love it there! When I get thirsty I can drink from the stream and play in the water while master watches me happily.
Emphasize how much he loves it with an exclamation point. Then make the other part a sentence.

quote:

He sometimes even lets me off the leash to go and have a run through the forest; he knew I would never leave him.
Tense agreement!

quote:

I was in luck, today was one of those days, with a smile he unhooked me from the leash and I dashed off before he changed his mind, I sniffed through the leaves and barked at the squirrels.
Another long sentence. But breaking this one up will cause you to write to repetitively. I can see you starting the sentences to identically. If it were me, I would do this. You can take this however you want. " I was in luck, for today was one of those days. With a smile, he unhooked me from the leash and I dashed off before he could change his mind. Sniffing through the leaves, I found a wonderful scent, and following it I barked at the squirrels as they scampered up the trees."

quote:

I occasionally went back to check if master was still there; I don’t want him to go missing again.
I can totally see that this is why the dog goes back to the master.

quote:

He just smiled at me and carried on walking.
Hmmm, you never actually said that the master kept walking around. I actually had him sitting down watching the dog.

quote:

I made my mark on many trees when all of a sudden I smelled something, like a human in the forest.
I think you should rephrase this. "I made my mark" is sorta generic and plain. This would be a beautiful opportunity to delve into the mind of a dog and let us in on why he is doing what he does.

quote:

I dashed through the forest with the crunch of leaves under my paws towards where I smelled the human.
He should be following his nose, the scent trail, etc here.

quote:

“Found you!” I shouted as I saw a human, face down, in the stream that runs through the forest.


quote:

“HEY MASTER, MASTER COME LOOK AT THIS!”


quote:

“Found you!” I shouted as I saw a human face down in the stream that runs through the forest. “HEY MASTER, MASTER COME LOOK AT THIS” I shouted while my master walked calmly through the forest.
Get rid of the repetition, namely the second "I shouted."

quote:

“Found you!” I shouted as I saw a human, face down, in the stream that runs through the forest. “HEY MASTER, MASTER COME LOOK AT THIS!” I shouted while my master walked calmly through the forest. “HURRY!” I exclaimed.

Frustratingly(or something similar), all I got back was “Floople doof gump”. When my master caught up to me he looked shocked, he ran down to the stream and stood beside me.


quote:

When my master caught up to me, he looked shocked. He ran along the stream and stood beside me, looking at the body.


quote:

I went over and sniffed at the man, he wasn’t moving.
I would use "but" instead of a comma.

quote:

Master went over and lifted him out of the water and placed him on the path while looking around, maybe for another human.
Split this up. Personally, I would split the sentence between path and while. Then I would bulk up the sentence involving the master looking around.

quote:

“Grippel goob NO!” cried Master as he looked at the man lying on the path.

“No, what’s wrong Master? Was I not supposed to find him?”.


That was a great story! I love this kind of stuff. Good work, though I think you could have been more wordy and descriptive.

Check your dialogue mechanics. I suggest taking a look at Versy's guide for suggestions and such there. Otherwise, I am going to submit your butt to a teacher's lesson series on dialogue and quotation mechanics!

Again, very nice!





Amboo -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (6/26/2008 23:56:01)

Edited Eukara. Thank you very much for your help, I have read Versy's guide already but if you feel I should read it again then I will. [:)]




Eukara Vox -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (6/26/2008 23:59:38)

Amboo, my friend, you forgot to separate out the dialogue I pointed out!

Actually...you left out a lot of edits. And not optional ones either. Punctuation corrections, especially.

Perhaps you should look through the suggestions after you finally go to sleep.




Amboo -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (6/27/2008 10:41:20)

Edited while not a zombie. Thanks again.




Eukara Vox -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (6/27/2008 12:24:49)

The Zombie arises!

Much better, my friend.

I think you did a good job portraying the thought processes of dogs.

Now, because of you, I will have to post my cat story.




Amboo -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (6/27/2008 13:07:54)

[sm=icon_surprised.gif] CAT STORY! Woohoo.




Amboo -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (7/2/2008 22:16:09)

New short story, Rough District.




gwoonjustin -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (7/3/2008 11:34:31)

Rough district:

1:
quote:

Frightened the man wearily hobbled down the street, thoughts racing through his mind.

Frightened, the man

2:
quote:

'A mugging,’ he thought to himself, ‘that's the threat I face here’.

I'm pretty sure thought just needs italics, no ' ' 's.

3:
quote:

It was not wise for him to be out walking this late, this district had become famous in the news recently.

Concider turning the comma into a semi-colon.

4:
quote:

He had walked this street since he was a boy and never once felt threatened. It was a respectable friendly neighbourhood, but criminals and thieves had long since dissipated the area’s good name.

Concider turning 'since' into 'when', because:
Since suggests he walked there when he was a boy, and has been walking there frequently all the way upto now, which would mean that he has been in the neighbourhood more often since its decay, thus is not the first time for him to be frightened.

5:
quote:

It’s not right that an elderly man should have to feel scared in his own city,’

Same as point 2. Concider for all thought you have ever writen or ever plan to write.

6:
quote:

“I’m not far now keep it together,” he mumbled under his breath as he slowly made his way to his apartment.

if the keep it together is self-encouragement, split the sentence someway. Some options:
“I’m not far now. Keep it together,”
“I’m not far now; keep it together,”
“I’m not far now-keep it together,”
“I’m not far now, keep it together,”
The first being the best, IMO.
Also, concider him saying his own name here, to make more clear he is adressing himself.

7:
quote:

Would this be the night that the walker got mugged, tossed into the gutter by the vile criminals that prowled the city.

If you keep it this way, at least put a questionmark at the end.
And, it may sound better if you make it thought instead of just a sentence. This kinda sounds like the cliff-hanger ending of some tv-series; 'Will Josh and Kate ever fall in love? Will Joe survive his brain tumor? Find out in the next episode!'

8:
quote:


“An opportunity just came up,” Sneered Andrew to his friend.

No capital for sneered here.

9:
quote:

They eyed the hunched man making his way slowly along the pavement.

Sounds kinda weird to me. Maybe:
man, who was making

10:
quote:

Craig nodded at his partner, no need to talk, a nod was all that was needed.

Concider:
partner. No need to talk, a nod

11:
quote:

Andrew ran on front of the old man and blocked his path while Craig Grabbed his shirt Collar and threw him up against the wall.

on is in?

12:
quote:

Everything, watch, money!.”

Everything; watch, money!
first comma is semicolon and no dot after exclaimation mark.
Also, this list would look better if you added one or two things, and added some words to smoothen it out.
Everything; your watch, money, and I bet you've got some bank-cards for us as well!

13:
quote:

“Yeah the notes, give us the notes”

Yeah, the notes or
Yeah-the notes

14:
quote:


“Yeah that’s what I wanted to hear, give him some room”

Again, you can't just put yeah in front of a sentence like that.
Yeah; that's
Yeah, that's
The comma probably works best here.

15:
quote:

He pulled his hand out from his pocket… Bang.

Lots of writers here seem to find it perfectly fine, but it annoys me to no end... Just a word to describe a sound. I suppose it's allowed, but it just sounds terrible to me.
Since the next sentence, the one after 'bang' explains the noice, you could just take it out effordlessly here.

Though I like the unsuspected ending, I miss something. I think I can explain.
spoiler:


What you've been building is a character. He is annoyed at the way his old neighbourhood has befallen great misfortune and crime, and wishes it is as it once was. Two boys try to rob him, thereby forming to him a perfect representation of the neighbourhood in its current, sadening state. Yet, when he kills them, there is not the slightest bit of relief. There are several options:
1: By his action he had been able to chanel and express his unhappiness, and he is happy once again as a result.
2: His feeling towards the events is kind of like: Just some scum gotten rid of... I don't really care about them, or about killing them. What does it all matter anyway?
And some others possibly.

Though the finale hints towards the second, it is not fully expressed. Personally, I'd prefer the first option, but if you dod choose to go with the second, which you seem to've done, the final sentences need to be cristal clear about this. I want to be shocked by his indifference.




Amboo -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories (7/3/2008 12:38:58)

Edited Gwoon, thank you. I'm not changing the ending though.




Lady Eliac -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories {New: Rough District} (11/7/2008 7:54:56)

Rough district...I don't understand. Did he lift himself out of the water? ._. That's awesome if it is. Well done, Amboo!




Amboo -> RE: Bamboo jungle - A collection of short stories {New: Rough District} (11/7/2008 8:37:34)

I never metioned Water in Rough District at all Eliac? Could you please explain more, and thank you. :)




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