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Firefly -> RE: Institution--Comments: Fides Tria (12/7/2008 0:05:48)
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I had to leave earlier, hence why my comment for Chapter 12 is arriving at this time of night. Sorry. But I'm here, so cheer me on! =P
Wow. For someone who hasn't written for so long, I couldn't tell any of the "rustiness"! You did great! You've got a good sense of word choice, of tension, of using your non-descriptive style to its full extent. While you sometimes convey information in chunks, you do it in a nice, believeable manner that it doesn't bother me. Your characters are all very interesting: Rose, Selenar, Martin, Mikael. I've forgotten how good you are, lol.
Overall, I really don't have a lotta objections. Maybe a /bit/ more/better in the area of descriptions. While I respect your style, especially in first person, I think at times I couldn't exactly visualize the whole scene. And at times, you describe the same thing twice while you could've used the space to describe some other aspect of the character (Kent's hair, the female Tutelary's tall height, ect.) Though, these things are just so minor. I really can pick out almost nothing in your writing.
A few specific comments:
quote:
I have a sister! I think. Or had… who knows if they are still alive?
Imo, the thought tag adds nothing and is thus unnecessary. We know whose thought it is, so I suggest you take the clunky words out.
quote:
There are several diagonal lines extending from the blue box. I separate the sheets and look at them. One of the lines leads to the word, “Practice Room L-91,” which must be the location of their class. Another leads to “Tutelary Sanderson,” the Tutelary who teaches it. The third leads to “10:15-11:15,” the time the class starts and ends, and the fourth to “Monday, Wednesday, Sunday,” the days it occurs. Today is Wednesday. I look at the clock in the study screen, and it reads 9:30. How long are classes here? I woke up at seven thirty, got to the class at around seven forty-five… and it took ten minutes or so to get here. I do the math. Each class is an hour and thirty-five minutes long, so my next class starts at around 11:05. Good.
During all of this investigation, I have forgotten why I needed the two of them—Mikael and David—together. I think for a few seconds. Ahh yes. Of course. I smile, flop down on the bed, and wait for ten fifteen.
Needs line break, lol.
quote:
He jumps a bit, but stays still.
This is illogical. You can't jump and be still. I think you mean that he didn't turn. Also, jump might be too large an action. How about "flinch"? "He flinches, but kept his head forward" "He flinches but did not turn (around)" ect.
quote:
“That’s fine. Goodbye.” I get up and walk away. I hope I will be able to meet with them again.
"get up" is a bit weak. I suggest "I rise to my feet" or something.
Imo, ending the chapter with Martin leaving is much more powerful than ending with a thought that the audience knows he'll be thinking. I suggest you take out the thought and just end with him leaving. If you want to go the extra mile of trimming, you can end at "Goodbye" (the audience can deduce that he left).
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