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Firefly -> RE: Poetic Alchemy-Comments III-NEW~The Ascent (10/7/2008 17:41:12)
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Usual disclaimer: All my comments are suggestions. Feel free to ignore them; I won't be the least bit displeased. ;)
quote:
It's not just the human spirit that gets broken bit by bit, but all the animals, plants and every living thing is affected.
The grammar here is a bit weird, and the "all" kinda makes the "every" redundant. I'd go with a regular: "...all the animals, plants, and living things are affected." You can even take out the "the"
quote:
For example; we take a small puppy or kitten and raise it to bend to our wills and kill its natural instincts just because they are things we cannot accept in "our" world.
The semi-colon should probably be a colon because it's an elaboration, not a joint of independent clauses (for example isn't independent).
I find "just" a bit unnecessary.
quote:
WHY is it that no matter what we have, it's never good enough?
"it is" seems to flow better.
quote:
It's so sad that the "gifts" each of us have been given are never appreciated.
I find those words unnecessarily wordy. Plus, you use "given" in the next line so this is a bit repetitive.
quote:
Life has given us so many questions to ask, but it has not provided us with any answers to a great deal of them.
Y'know, I'd like to be really bold to ask you to trim this to something very short and simple. I think that's more powerful... "Life has provided us with question, but no answers" or something to that effect.
quote:
There is nothing one person can do to change the things that are there.
"one" might be a bit overused in conjunction with all the "no-ones" Maybe "a" here?
Just a thought, but the last part could be summed up with a single word "anything"
quote:
Sometimes I wonder if that's the reason WHY things get so messed up.
"become" is probably a stronger word here.
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The whole world has gone insane and it is taking everything on it with it.
Doesn't seem necessary.
quote:
I write of my inner-most thoughts and feelings because it makes them more real and thought provoking to others.
I dunno if the "of" is necessary.
"thought-provoking" probably needs a hyphen.
quote:
There are many things inside me that I have only scratched the surface.
"...are so many..." probably makes this statement more powerful.
quote:
Can there be anyone or anything out there that can be considered as truly sane?
Maybe just the way I talk, but I dunno if that's needed here.
quote:
I pretended that I lived in a perfect place where all dreams come true and there was no such thing as monsters.
The rest of the sentence is in past tense, so maybe this should be too. "came"?
quote:
I see such hope in his eyes and wonder if i ever had that look.
I'm sure you can see what's wrong with this. =P
quote:
They see the world as it is with wide open eyes and hearts.
Now, the "wide open" part applies to both eyes and hearts. I can see it applying to the former, but I'm not sure if the image fits with the latter, so I suggest you take the "wide" out.
quote:
We all want to have the answers, but sometimes there are none to give.
"They" might fit better here in conjunction with the previous sentence.
quote:
The pain of being "different".
Heh, might be the difference in our dialects, but I was taught to place the closing quote after the period. ;)
quote:
Just to hear your own voice in that kind of silence can be a comfort, yet, also maddening.
I'd change it to "comforting" to balance it with "maddening"
quote:
To be that alone and empty is just so unthinkable.
I'd take one of these two words out 'cause it seems unneeded to have both.
quote:
But, there are ones out there that live with that every single day of their lives.
Maybe change the second one to "it" to avoid repetition?
I like the voice and style you wrote it in and how you made it full of raw emotion. Powerful stuff, and you've once again demostrated your talent at those magnificent last lines. It's a bit wordy in places and can be trimmed, but it goes along fine with the style. Also, you can try splitting it into stanzas if you want. There are many topics and subject matters explored. If you want to consider stanza splits, I'll be more than happy to help you with them if you need. ;)
Keep up the good work!
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