A World of Words - Comments Thread - New: Inevitability (Full Version)

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Arthur The Brave One -> A World of Words - Comments Thread - New: Inevitability (6/29/2008 6:44:03)

I don't see a world of objects.
I don't see a world of colors.
I don't see a world of people.

I see a world of thoughts.
I see a world of expressions.
I see a world of words.

I see a world of poetry,
And I don't really mind.



A World of Words - My complete collection of poems

Separate poems:

Shadow
Holding Hands
Jesus' Last Winter Night
Into the Shade
The Wind
The Fire
The Art of Useful Things That Seem Pointless
Water
The might of the Earth
About Victory, Blasphemy, Glory, and Mercy
Just a Single Touch
A Lonely Life
A Prophecy
The Eternal Oath of Light
Words of a Simple Man
When Mastin Speaks...
A Couple of Not-Haiku's
Running From the Dark - A Song
Shattered Ignorance
A Wondering Mind
Approaching Darkness
Shimmer
Dearly Beloved
A Couple of Haiku's About Leaving and Returning
Darkness Unleashed
The Sound of Music
Ascend
Battles Lost
Cycle
A Little Morning Stroll
Collab: Winter > Everything Else
Bittersweet Loving
Battles Won
Masked
Framed Distort
My Goddess
Blinded
Breakdown
A piece of mind
Parodoxological
Fade Away
Bleed
Time To Hunt
Inevitability
--
13-05-09
I made a typo in my first post. :O
Thanks to Firefly, 'tis now fixed. Thank you~! :3
--
17-05-09
Blinded is now up.
Also, I decided to edit my 'welcoming message' a bit.
--
21-05-09
Put up breakdown. Nothing more to say! :O
--
16-06-09
It's been a looooooooong time since I wrote something. But hey, guess what, I'm back :D (for now >.>)
New one: A piece of mind. To be taken with a grain of salt. (and best served cold with some whine xD)
--
23-06-09
Paradoxological is now up. It kinda disturbing that I was able to write.... that, though.
--
06-07-09
Put up Fade Away and Bleed in the last couple days. That's all, I guess...
--
16-07-09
I thought it was time for a new name, one that better reflects the poetry I am currently writing. How do you guys like it?
Also, I put up Time To Hunt.

/Arthur




gwoonjustin -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (6/29/2008 7:49:16)

Welcome back, my rhyming friend.

I see you have yet to create something new to me, so I'll just wait for that quietly.

*waits*




mastin2 -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (6/29/2008 17:52:49)

...What about Immortality Itself? I've got a version from before the purge, but it could be a bit...old.




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (6/30/2008 4:58:01)

Nah, haven't really worked on that one yet (OMG! Shame on me! >.<). It's in the WA :)

Which means you still have the current version which is kinda not-as-good-as-I-wanted-it-to-be. :P (I reread it yesterday [after I had finished _Dep's 'Author's Fantasy'] and it looked really bad to me >.<)




mastin2 -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (6/30/2008 16:57:05)

Well, won't be able to help ya--Accidentally overrided the forum version AND had to restart Firefox, hence losing the old version here which had existed from the old L&L...*frowny face*




gwoonjustin -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/2/2008 9:25:28)

A prophecy:
quote:


The God shall destroy they who put up a fight,

Concider changing they into those

That was kinda weird.
I need to think about what I thought about it...




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/2/2008 9:39:06)

quote:

I need to think about what I thought about it...


Wow. That was like... super epic! :D

Good one, I'll change it. And by the way, it was a prophecy. Those things are ALWAYS weird :P Now I just need to figure out what it means... *thinks*




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/25/2008 12:30:59)

New one: The Eternal Oath of Light. I decided to cut ice and energy out of the elemental series, as I lack inspiration to write about anything icy :P

Hope you enjoy! :)




gwoonjustin -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/25/2008 12:59:23)

I am here to make your hope reality; I enjoyed it!

Some small issues:
In everything but the end you made a list of what is 'good' or 'light'.
I kinda felt a mention of the 'bad' or 'dark' was missing.

And:
quote:


Without light, there'd be no darkness,
Yet without dark, there'd be no light.

Maybe a bit cliche...

Good job! Keep those poems comming!




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/25/2008 16:50:21)

woohoo, he liked it :)

I decided to make paragraph 4 about killing the baddies, as after rereading it, it seemed to get boring there :P

Arrgh... I knew it... oh well, I think it's pretty essential in the poem, and if no one else is bothered by it, I think to keep it as it is.




gwoonjustin -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/25/2008 16:56:42)

Great! That extra paragraph makes the last work way better as well.

Nope, I can't think of any replacement with similar effect either... Best keep as it is for now, indeed.




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/30/2008 6:29:19)

New work: Words of a simple man. I'll write a poem for the first one who can find the hidden message. :)




gwoonjustin -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/30/2008 9:03:19)

Heya!

quote:


People mock me for who I am,
They all call me a fool.
Maybe I am, but at least I know
That they're all nothing but a tool.

At their graves I'll stand, just so
That they can mock me for who I am.

Do I even need to tell you that sentence is bad? If so: That sentence is bad!

The poem is in the perspective of God, who has to bear the mortality of every single human being, while never being able to die himself. Unable to handle the pain, he takes his own life.
Close?
I get a poem?
YAY!


I liked it, Arthur. You be good!




mastin2 -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/30/2008 17:14:01)

I'm thinking that it's more of an immortal and/or someone who has lived a long time--but is still only human. He is realizing that everything comes to an end eventually. He has seen terrible things in his life. They have scarred him. Humans all have their limits; they all die eventually. He is accepting death at long last. He will no longer have to bear the pain of what he has seen in life. Because his knowledge will die with him, he will be at as much ease as he can be, knowing no other will have to carry his burden. The 'they are nothing but a tool' line implies that they all have a single purpose. Eventually, they can no longer serve that purpose and die. They are nothing but a part of life/nature's masterful plan.

It is a poem that can deliver a strong message. I enjoyed it. (Didn't think I forgot about ya, did you?)

-M




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (7/31/2008 9:54:10)

@Justin:
Thanks for the note, I knew I made a mistake somwhere :) I fixed it now.

@Justin&Mastin:
Both of your explanations were wonderful, however, you were both not... umm.... entirely correct. Fact is, this wasn't about the hidden meaning, it was about the hidden message. :) (I'm truly evil... and you know it! :P)

@Mastin:
I did not! Okay, maybe a little. Okay maybe a bit more than a little. Ummm... I'll just shut up now, I think :P




mastin2 -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (8/1/2008 1:15:22)

(AKA, you forgot completely about me. :P)

Men are mortal. When they die, their pain is erased. Their memories are lost. Everything they have worked for goes to waste with their death.

Oh, hidden message.

The Dead Linger On.




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: ~Fancy Tales~ //Comments Thread\\ (8/1/2008 6:57:38)

ooooooooh... he actually found it :O
I'm writing that poem right now!
(too bad Justin... perhaps you'll have another chance at another time :)




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks... (8/2/2008 11:08:57)

new: When Mastin Speaks...
As you could guess, it's Mastins 'reward'.

(Also, I didn't forget about you, I just thought you'd forgotten about me! Whoopsss... I really talk too much D:<)




gwoonjustin -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks... (8/2/2008 17:14:56)

It was /that/ easy?

Oh, don't worry Arthur. I'll make you write me a poem one day...*evil grin*

Now, about the poem:

quote:

His body as of flame.

'as of' sounds bad, IMO. Simply change the 'as' into 'was', and the symbolic rather that direct meaning still remains, and it flows better.

I think you build up tension with the vilain being evil and a threat too much to just let the fight go by hardly even mentioned. I mean, I know it's in there, but it could be more so. IMO, it should be more so.

Also, as the very last verse is no longer related to this threat and all, and it is very much so not exiting, it could be concidered an anti-climax, or maybe you continued writing too long. I don't get that feeling of 'this is how it should've ended. Everything is good now.' which I expact in an epic.

I'll just pretend the nameless hero was me, to comfort myself.

All and all, good these small problems aside, good poem! Again!




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks... (8/9/2008 14:30:17)

'Your wish is my command' :P

Thanks for the tips, I worked a bit on it, and I think it's better now. It actually has a moral! :O (oh my god... I'm so gonna get slapped for that >.<)

*looks at Justin's evil grin*
*flees in terror*
*gets caught*
*writes a poem as fast as possible while being tortured*




Lux -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks... (8/9/2008 16:01:46)

Opacus, critiquing as per request in "Would you like a Critique with the Rating?"


To warn you, I'll only post in this color to show my improvements and corrections when they're needed. So, if there are multiple stanzas without a comment, that's because I can't improve it. Also, Many of my suggestions have to do with punctuation. It may not be necessary to change it if it isn't what you had intended. It's away!
quote:


The Might of the Earth

The earth,
It comforts me,
Embraces me like arms,
And it holds me tight.
I like it; good stanza. All I think needs changing *might* be a semicolon after "me", otherwise it's good.

What's it worth?
We won't agree,
As it warms,
And for I fear its might.
Good. It takes awhile to get your head around, but I personally like that. That or I'm stupid :).

But being earth,
You’re never free,
You can’t whisper charms,
You won’t ever fight.
I'd put a period after "free" and a semicolon after charms. Otherwise, it's good.

You won’t give birth,
Except for my tree.
You won’t take up arms,
You won't use your might.

After all, you’re just earth.
Just lying there, never free.
You don’t have legs, you don’t have arms,
So away I go, into the night.
Good one! There are my corrections. I give it a 7 out of 10.

About Victory, Blashpemy, Glory, and Mercy
Blasphemy is misspelled.

Victory,
It slices,
It dices,
And goes unavenged.
Good.

Blasphemy,
I guess,
My life’s a mess,
But God won't care either way.

Glory,
It awaits us,
Just because
We wish to gain it.
Since you put punctuation everywhere else here, how about a colon, comma, or hyphen.

Mercy,
We beg for it,
As we don’t see ourselves fit
To die.
Same as above on punctuation, I suppose. Leaving it out or adding it are the proper ways of doing it, I believe.

Yet.
Great finish :). I give it a 7.5 out of 10.

Just a Single Touch

It made we wonder about life,
How fleeting, dark, and lonely it can be.
It makes me cause a lot of strife,
And gets me in trouble with the ones up high.

I think it's there,
Just to annoy me,
Just to remind me,
Of my own feebleness.
I'll never be me.

I guess I'm just like all the others,
Not special, mighty or rich.
I'm not that good as cannon fodders,
Yet I know how to get fired pretty well.

I think it's there,
Just to follow me,
Just to scare me,
To bring me fear -
I’ll never be free.

Yet today, life seems different.
Brighter, happier, better.
Yet it is not apparent,
For all those other people
I think there needs to be a period at the end of the last line. Maybe an "It's" at the start of the second line? Otherwise, great.

I think it's there,
Just to bless me,
Just to behold me,
For my own good.
And thus I won’t flee.

And it all started, with just a little something.
Just a single touch, your hand and mine.
I no longer have a wish to be nothing
Now it is to be with you.
Aside from being beautiful, there may need to be a comma after "nothing".

Just a single touch…
Who knew it'd make my mind wander off?
The salvation of the people
Lies in hope, dreams, truth and love.
Beautiful. It's deep; it goes from some sadness to joy and to hope. These are some of my favorite types of poems. I give it a 8 out of 10!

A Lonely Life

I’m walking here, all alone.
Yet I won’t cry.
For what’s the use of crying,
Whining, yelling, running,
When you’re on you own?

The street is empty, time flies by.
My life is empty.
My heart is dark.
My eyes are tired.
Which makes me wonder: why?

Why am I all alone?
The answer’s hidden far below
In my dark, empty heart.
I try to recover it, by myself,
Yet it chills me to the bone.
Maybe after "below", put a comma or hyphen?

I’ve found the solution
Yet I wish to lose it.
I don’t want to know,
Don’t wish to remember any more,
Because I fear the retribution.
Maybe punctuation after "solution"?

I killed them all, I must acknowledge
That my soul is dark, dark and empty.
Hell is near, I feel its presence.
I’m a child of dark alleys.
And I never even went to college.
Maybe replace a dark with "sinister"? And if you want, punctuation after "acknowledge".

Now I lead a lonely life,
All others fell before me.
They all have died, they all are gone.
Their lives shall all have been in vain.
Just because of all that strife.
Instead of a period after "vain", I'd put a hyphen or a comma, because the last line isn't a sentence (I don't *think* it is). Otherwise, great! I give it a 8 out of 10.

A Prophecy

Once Light and Dark go down together,
And the other elements live in strife,
All living creatures pestered by weather,
More and more shall lose their life.
Then shall rise a God from feather.
I'd put a period after "strife".

The God shall shout and bark and bite;
Uncaring, unliving, undying, unreal.
He shall destroy those who put up a fight,
By making them They Who Truly Feel.
Such is this God, black nor white.

No man can kill him, all shall fall.
No weapon can harm him, he'll just laugh.
No fool can find him, yet he ain't small.
No might will destroy him, not on our behalf.
Only one thing will stop him, and that is the all.
Good. I don't know about "ain't", but the rest is fine. I give it a 7.5 out of 10.


Alright...working on the remaining three now. I'll post them in another post. If my suggestions for punctuation change the meaning to something you hadn't intended, by all means ignore them. Just saying what shouted out at me :).




Lux -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks... (8/9/2008 16:41:48)

Opacus, critiquing as per requested in "Would you like a Critique with that rating?" Part 2


Alright, same as before. Let's get started!

quote:


The Eternal Oath of Light

In a spring breeze,
In peace after the fight,
In the shining sun;
We found the light.
A semicolon or a comma could work there. I'd go for the comma, but your choice.

Bringing hope,
Banishing thwarts,
Granting life,
It fuels our hearts.

Feeding good,
Bringing strength,
The shining sun,
A weapon's length.

Evil banished,
The dark repelled,
As long as the light's there,
Fear shall be expelled.

For whenever light may shine upon us,
There shall be shadows, not always in sight.
Without light, there'd be no darkness,
Yet without dark, there'd be no light.
Very philosophical. I like that. "There'd'" isn't a word though. Still, it's poetry. You can use it. I give it a 7.5 out of 10 for polished-ness.

Words of a Simple Man

Once the time comes when we die.
At that time we'll know.
That all we did was futile.
And yet we won't feel sorrow.
For the ones left behind so brutal.
At that time when we die.

Live, love, laugh.
Words easily said.
When in life the darkness falls,
And all our wisdom has cowardly fled,
There won't be any goodbye calls.
No life, no love, no laugh.

People mock me for who I am,
They all call me a fool.
Maybe I am, but at least I know
There are no 'ones', one is a mere tool.
At their graves I'll stand, just so
That they can mock me for who I am.
Maybe a semicolon after the first "am". After "know", a hyphen or comma could work there. Maybe after "so" as well. But only if you want to.

I can't bear no more,
I can exist no longer.
I'll die here, empty, all alone,
Yet In my life, I did get stronger.
In death at last: a heart of stone.
I won't have to bear no more.
"Can't bear no more" is a double negative, in case you want to change it for "can't bear any more". Same with the last sentence, it feels almost the same as the double negative but more proper. Very good, though:7.5 out of 10.

When Mastin Speaks...

When Mastin speaks the bells ring,
All horses raise their head.
All stand still and pay attention
When king Mastin speaks ahead.

Mastin, king, lord of the land,
Was noble, honest and good,
Yet of course there was a villain,
Who spread the darkness wherever he could.
Maybe a period after "good".

Then the king, deeply troubled,
Spoke to those with bravest heart:
"Who of you shall slay this villain,
His name be John MacZard!"
ROFLZ!!11...eh...erhm.

Even the bravest shivered,
They all had heard that name.
The strongest man in all the land,
His body as of flame.
I'd put "His body be as of flame" or "His body was as of flame".

Then a young man came forth and spoke,
Kneeling before the mighty king:
"I, my lord, shall slay this dread man,
All I ask's a single thing."
I think "ask is" is fine in the last line.

"Then speak up, young man, now,
We cannot wait forever.
This man has done us only bad,
He may reach the castle, never!"

"I'm afraid, my lord, I'll need your rings,
For they hold quite strong magic.
I know all about their power
And their history, oh so tragic."
A hyphen after power could give it even more effect.

The king was unsure, but he agreed,
As John MacZard was quite a threat.
If he would ever reach the castle,
Even the king would break a sweat.

And so the young man began his journey,
Never to return.
John MacZard disappeared as well,
Here the tale of our concern:
Either you meant "Here is" or "Hear" in the last line, I think.

The two men met at a road to dusk,
Standing there, completely still.
They looked each other in the eye,
A battle of pure will.

When both their minds remained unscathed,
The swords where drawn at speed.
They charged, and charged and charged again,
Neither would concede.

Yet then came the strength of this evil villain,
His power proved unmatched.
For when at last their swords clashed,
Our hero's sword at last detached.

Two man at a road to dark.
Only one of them left standing.
Then our hero spoke to him,
And called him quite outstanding.
I think you meant "Two men" ,not "two man" in the first line.

A cursed wound, bleeding heavily,
Our hero would not last much longer.
Yet suddenly rescue arrived,
And the dawn proved stronger.

For where moon should have risen,
The sun appeared, and shone his light
Upon these destined men.
They would no longer have to fight.

The rings gave of a bright light,
And then something did occur.
What it was, nobody knows,
As the only witnesses had fur.

And so the nameless defeated the famous,
A victory known far and wide.
A nameless one had slain this evil
And for that cause he died.
I would put "He had died" in the last sentence because of syllables.

So when you are a nameless,
And nobody recognizes you,
Remember this tale, once in a while,
For truth may just happen to be untrue.

And still king Mastin makes the bells ring,
Gives all the nameless hope again.
All shall silently pay attention
When the nameless slay the dread.
Maybe "And" at the beginning of the second line? And perhaps a comma or hyphen after attention? Otherwise, it's *excellent*! I like epics. I give it a 8.5 out of 10.


Wow. I realy liked your poetry. All in all, 9.5 our of 10. I really liked your Mastin poem...hehe :).

Alright, I balanced my scores. these should be more reflective. Sorry for the confuzzling :(.




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks... (8/10/2008 5:49:18)

I don't mind the confuzzlingness ;)
Giving scores is a hard job, and you'll just need some more experience with it, and you'll be able to balance them out perfectly :)
Now, to defend my poetry's honor and to just merely accept some changes, here goes:

TMotE
I think the semicolon would give an unwanted effect to that stanza, so, I'll not use it.
It's actually one sentence: "But being earth, you’re never free, you can’t whisper charms, you won’t ever fight." However, I do agree with you on the semicolon. It gives a nice-isher ring to it ;) FIXED

AVBGM
0_o how could I (or anyone else) have missed that? It's been up here like... forever 0_o FIXED
Again, as long as there is not a period or no punctuation at all, the sentence continues. However, I noticed that NOT using punctuation in this case made a perfectly correct sentence, and yet that sentence somehow got a short break at the end of the line (like after 'because' and 'fit'). I appreciate the suggestion, though.

JaST
'Brigher, happier, better.' is, as you can guess, an incomplete sentence. It's just a certain style to use it, and it can come out pretty good (like it did here, I hope) when used intentionally and correctly. And so, I will not add 'It's' to it.
Instead of a comma, I decided to go with a dash/hyphon. FIXED

ALL
(lol... how could I NOT have noticed this title! :D)
Decided to go with a hyphon, thanks. FIXED
Decided to place a comma after solution. Also, I replaced because in that stanza's last line with 'for', just because I dicedid it sounded better :P FIXED
Decided to instead replace the comma after the first dark with a semicolon. It was actually what I originally meant to do with it, but I accidentally put a comma there instead. FIXED

AP
I agree with you on the period. FIXED I made it a period of elepsys (ummm... that's the three dots. I most likely misspelled it as well :P) it creates a nicer ring. DOUBLE FIXED
I think I'll keep the ain't. It fits better than isn't, IMO.

TEOfL
It used to be a comma, but after a notice from Justin I changed it to a semicolon, as I decided I like it better.
Ummm... excuse me, but 'there'd' is indeed a word. It's either an (I believe it's called an) abbreviation of "there would", or "there had".

WoaSM
'am' - I don't really agree on that one... I like the comma better >.>
'know' as well as 'so' -
quote:

Again, as long as there is not a period or no punctuation at all, the sentence continues. However, I noticed that NOT using punctuation in this case made a perfectly correct sentence, and yet that sentence somehow got a short break at the end of the line (like after 'because' and 'fit'). I appreciate the suggestion, though.

double negative - hey, it's the words of a simple man. Or god, if you want to believe mastin :P Anyway, decided to keep the double negatives, as that is the way I intended it to be. Making them the 'more proper' single negatives kills a part of the emotion it holds.

WMS
Added the period. FIXED
I did not fix that? Aww man... Justin pointed that out in his last post as well, but when I was kinda... rewriting the poem, my internet went all weird, and I permanently lost my previous revised version. Thanks for the re-notice, for now it is... FIXED
I think 'ask's' flows better here.
Agreed, hyphon added. FIXED
Thanks for catching that, it now is 'Here's'. FIXED
Again, thanks for catching that. FIXED
Instead I put a hyphon/dash after evil. It's better this way, IMO. FIXED
I think it sounds better without the additional 'and', and, well... *points to quote*




A big, big thanks to you, Opacus. Thanks to you, I know a bit more about punctuation once again, and, of course, my poetry got better again. Thank you lots and lots! :)




mastin2 -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks... (8/10/2008 20:33:59)

(psst...
quote:

Or god, if you want to believe mastin :P
that was gwoon)

I did enjoy the new poem, ATDO! Knowing you, I had expected that I'd be the villain. (<_<) but was pleasantly surprised (:D!) to learn I was wrong! :) Amazing work again.




Arthur The Brave One -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks... (8/16/2008 14:34:50)

I hath rhymed again. New: a couple of haiku's. Hope you enjoy, as I've never written haiku's before. And thus, here is the result of five minutes of boredom :P




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