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Master Samak -> Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (8/26/2008 9:27:41)

Link to Story: Discontinued Remembrance


Just to inform you all, I am far from being a good writer... so just brace yourselves....




Crimzon5 -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (8/26/2008 9:46:40)

Heh, I thought it ws a poem...

quote:

It was a gift the Gods gave,


When the word 'god' is used... it is capitalized when it refers to the Christian God

quote:

The far-away door no longer stood facing him, but rather, a large cylindrical chunk of stone took up the space of his vision.

Faraway, a compound word, does not need a hyphen

quote:

“Come…,” breathed the man and the thought together, in perfect unison.


"Discard" (I love that word) the comma

That's all I could find. I'm not good at spotting errors (heh, maybe that's why I have a lot)




Master Samak -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (8/26/2008 22:07:12)

@Crimzon5

It was a poem... the beginning, that is....

1. Your statement doesn't clearly specify the action I am to take. For know, I am going to leave "Gods" capitalized, since a very good poet I know advised me to. If you can find an error here, then please, please tell me.

2. True. I wasn't too sure, but thanks for catching/affirming that. Fixed!!!

3. Mmm... Grammatically/Technically, I believe that this is correct. There is the ellipsis and then the comma, so as to include the person in the dialogue. Could you be more specific as to why exactly I should discard the comma? For now, I'll leave it as is.

Thanks!!! *Tosses Crimson5 an orange.* Tell me if you like citrus, 'cause I'll trade you something if you don't. Thanks again!




Crimzon5 -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (8/26/2008 22:21:29)

The ... is a punctuation mark, right? Just like ?, !, and ,

Imgine this

"Who are you?," asked Crimzon

But heh, English can't seem to agree with itself all the time. So I guess the correction may not be necessary




Master Samak -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (8/26/2008 22:29:00)

No, the "..." is not a punctuation mark.

If it was a question it would be, "Who are you...?" asked Master Samak.

Here, this is a very helpful, informational link for the "...", better known as "ellipsis".

Ellipsis Points




Crimzon5 -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (8/26/2008 22:36:38)

Heh, I learned something new today. But... my source (cant remember what it was) stated differently. Oh well... starting now, I'll use what you said linked to




Firefly -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (8/26/2008 23:24:23)

quote:

When the word 'god' is used... it is capitalized when it refers to the Christian God

My sources say that "God" is capitalized when the person/narrator speaking believes in said "God"

Ellipses + comma looks really wrong. I think it's something to do with how ellipses indicate hesitation (pause) so it makes the comma really redundant. !/? adds to the ellipses while a comma does not. Plus, the comma is indicating the joint of the tag and the speech in this case, so if an ellipses is there, such a joint becomes redundant.

Anyways, all that was just an excuse to tell you that I do plan on reading this, but I probably won't be ripping apart every sentence. I'll be back to haunt your thread though, hehe.




Master Samak -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (8/27/2008 9:11:37)

@Firefly,

1. If you insist, then I'll change the ellipsis + comma dialogue... Fixed!!!


I'm very happy that you plan on reading this, but so help me, if you haunt this thread, then I'll drag Artix over here if its the last thing I do! XD

Can't wait!




gwoonjustin -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (8/31/2008 10:25:59)

Need a Hand? Clyde's got a few! And whats more, I'm one of em! And I'm at work now!

Just the poem. Too lazy and busy to do more, I'm afraid. Plus it wouldn't be official shop work, y'know.
I might look at it later. No promise there, though.

So here we go!

I googled "god capital spelling" and it got me this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Manual_of_Style
quote:

# Honorifics for deities, including proper nouns and titles, start with a capital letter (God, Allah, the Lord, the Supreme Being, the Great Spirit); the is not capitalized. The same is true when referring to major religious figures and figures from mythology by titles or terms of respect (the Prophet, the Messiah, the Virgin, a Muse). Common nouns denoting deities or religious figures are not capitalized; thus the Romans worshipped many gods, many Anglo-Saxons worshipped the god Wotan, Jesus and Muhammad are both considered prophets in Islam, biblical scholars dispute whether Mary was a virgin for her entire life, and her husband was her muse.

Your call wether you wish to believe this or not. But if you do, the capital is correct.
So that settles that issue.


I can say little about meaning, etc., and that's all, I'm sure, bound to the story. It is a good poem, though. Concider writing some more...




Master Samak -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (9/1/2008 17:37:43)

@gwoonjustin:

Thanks for your research. I'm glad to find a firm answer.

And thank you for your time in looking over my poem. I do appreciate it. As to me considering writing more, you do have to realize that I'm not a good writer/poet. I thought that was rather obvious... hmm.... [/half-joke]

Anyway, I will give you a nice, freshly-made sandwich for your inconvenience. *Slides the sandwich over to gwoonjustin*

Enjoy!!!




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (9/6/2008 13:57:48)

Hello!

Nice Prologue! I enjoyed it; it arises interest, gives some hints and clues what the story is about together with the poem, and sets quite ominous mood...

However, I felt like the ending of the prologue was more alive than the beginning. In my opinion, the beginning was perhaps a bit too slowly-proceeding, with too much description of the surroundings compared to words used to enhance the mood. Like the story would've come alive only after the "THUD". I'm not suggesting that you'd necessarily need to add action or cut down the description from the start. Instead, you could try to raise the mood more to the foreground.

Another thing I noticed: even though you do have a reasonable good variation in sentence-structures, you do tend to have quite a few of them starting "The (adjective) noun"
Not saying that you should make a massive sweep or anything like that... Is 'the man' a warrior, a vagabond, an adventurer or what? Giving him another name would free you from repeating 'the man' so often.

Once again: good job! I'll be checking for more with my own slow pace...




Master Samak -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (9/6/2008 18:32:00)

@fabula:

Thank you! This is rather out-of-the-blue, but it is warmly welcomed.

Now....

1. I very much agree with you. The ending half of the prologue is probably more alive than the beginning. I'm not specifically sure on how I'd raise the mood to what it already is, but I did go through it and looked for anything to add. You may need to review this "area" again if nothing was improved.

2. I suppose that's true. Now that I read through it yet again, I'd found those kind of structures that could be revised. I tried to do so, anyway.

As for the man.... he is one with a sword and magic. Not a warrior that would fit the stereotype, not a wandering vagabond, not someone who seeks adventure, not someone with many titles. I do agree with you, though, "the man" is repeated often. I did attempt to search and change/delete/rename previous "the man"s, so hopefully you will find it better to read.

Thank you again! It's very, very kind of you to read this and give your input. I honestly wasn't expecting anyone to stumble over this, but I do appreciate it.

Let's see... what to give... ah, here we go. To express my thanks I shall give you a nice, healthy sprig of broccoli to eat. *Tosses it to fabula.*

Three-a-day!!!




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (9/9/2008 12:10:29)

*catches the broccoli*
*takes out a wok, oil, cashews and jasmine rice*
*cooks and devours*

Thanks! I quite like broccoli.

1. One way to enhance the mood could be buy adding some actions to take surroundings. For example, how does the air move in the darkness if at all? Is it stale or cold and fresh? As the man walks across the bridge, does he hear something creepy or scary? Does he hear only his own breath? Does he feel like he's being watched?

Here's a suggestive edit for one of your paragraphs, just to elicit some thoughts. I hope I'm not too intrusive, messing with your text like this. Edits in bold:
quote:

Sharp blue eyes hurriedly scanned over a narrow bridge. Acting as walls to his left and right stood 1) giant pillars, made of the same solid 2)mineral as the preceding doors. With the exception of a few evenly spaced torches, they were unmarked and stretched outward a generous distance before encountering another door. Looking up, the man squinted as he tried in vain 3) to make out the top of the pillars that 4) continued ever higher 5), disappearing 6) into the engulfing 7)darkness. He followed them back down to the floor. The polished surface of the walkway imitated the adjacent columns in color. There was, however, a small, perfect circle in the exact center of the walkway. Vividly jade, it stood out strongly against the dark room. Still, the place was bland overall—meant only as a connector from one space 8) to another. But even more than that, it felt utterly hollow 9).

1) Changed 'were' to 'stood' to make the pillars more alive and menacing. You could actually also use 'grew' here, imho, to make them sound even close to organic, if you want to.
2) Trying to give an image of an unrelenting material and space, lol.
3) Added 'in vain' to add weight on the futility of this action
4) Now that I already told the effort is futile, I got rid of the 'but'
5) 'upwards' -> 'ever higher'. My attempt to stress the continuity.
6) A personal preference: I'm not that big of a fan of 'ands' so I got rid of that =P
7) Describing the darkness a bit more menacing and active,too, here.
8) Killed the repetition of 'room'.
9) Added feeling to this by changing the 'was empty' to more active and stressed: 'it felt utterly hollow'.

Now, what's your opinion, did these edits make the mood even more prominent in this paragraph?
If it did, you are welcomed to use them straight on. Or, even better, think of your own corresponding additions also to other blocks of your text.

2. As I reread the story, I still felt like there are too many instances of that 'the man'-stuff popping up. Here's an example:

quote:

The man's brow furrowed in concentration and the man paused, clearly running the message through his head over and over again. The woman stood patiently, watching him with unblinking eyes. After what seemed like hours of awkward stillness, he lifted his head and confidently announced, “My path has already been set. I can’t go back from this. I have decided.”

With that, he turned and set out once more, sword in hand. Walking around the circle, the man averted his eyes and made for the door. As the woman simply looked on, he could start to make out writing etched into the door, much like the previous ones. He pressed on, anxious to get to the next room. The man could almost touch the glowing words when—

“I know who you are, Jarvis Volte, and I know of your intentions!” called the woman, her voice tinged with authority. The man froze, stiffening in disbelief. “And believe me when I say that they will not work out as you would hope. I know not how you came to this place, but it was not through conventional means. Do not go through that door.”

On some occasions, it is possible to get rid of the man (lol) by changing the word order in the sentences. Other times, just plain substitution with 'he' is convenient enough. Here's a suggestion:

quote:

The man's brow furrowed in concentration, pausing while he clearly run the message through his head over and over again. The woman stood patiently, watching him with unblinking eyes. After what seemed like hours of awkward stillness, he lifted his head and confidently announced, “My path has already been set. I can’t go back from this. I have decided.”

With that, he turned and set out once more, sword in hand. Walking around the circle, he averted his eyes and made for the door. As the woman simply looked on, he could start to make out writing etched into the door, much like the previous ones. He pressed on, anxious to get to the next room, until he could almost touch the glowing words when—

“I know who you are, Jarvis Volte, and I know of your intentions!” called the woman, her voice tinged with authority. The man froze, stiffening in disbelief. “And believe me when I say that they will not work out as you would hope. I know not how you came to this place, but it was not through conventional means. Do not go through that door.”


I dunno, if I just messed up your style too much, but as with point 1., use only from my suggestions what suits you.




Master Samak -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (9/11/2008 9:46:52)

@fabula:

...Well, your recent post has been extremely constructive toward my piece. My inquiry was taken and answered, and I thank you. You certainly know what you're doing....

Anyway, to the critique:

1.

1. I agree with you, it is a stronger word here, though I will change it to "stood" and not "grew". I'm not looking for organic... XP

2. Again, another good adjective *why hadn't I thought of that?*... changed!!!

3. Originally, I had used "in vain" for this part, although I'm unsure why I changed it... Fixed!!!

4. Naturally, in relation to... Fixed Accordingly!!!

5. Good stress. I'll change it.

6. I suppose it sounds better... changed!!!

7. Sure, it would be for the better... added!!!

8. I was juggling that synonym with "room", to be honest. I thought it may be too vague, though now it would probably be alright... Replaced!!!

9. Now for this suggestion, I'm unsure. My point was to emphasize that the man was searching for anyone in the room that would threaten his advancement. Your critique might be leaning toward what the man felt when he viewed the room, not what he saw within it. In short, I believe that I'll keep the original text.

2.

1-ish. Quite honestly, had I caught that previously, I would have immediately banished/edited that part. Rather embarrassing to have "the man" twice in one sentence... *shudders*. fabula, I apologize for having to make you point that out. I should have found that the many times before.... Still, I've fixed it and shifted the tense to accommodate the change....

2-ish. I'm going to keep this one as is. "the man" hadn't been used for a time and with more "he" changes, it shouldn't be an issue, I believe.

3-ish. That is a lot better sounding sentence. I agree with you and I change it!!!

Editing Complete!!!

fabula, thank you so much again for your help in this. You've made me realize that I need to perform a complete scan on this yet again to fully catch and/or revise certain areas. The suggestions you made were very helpful, even the ones that I chose not to use.

I don't know why you would bother to critique such a... well, I suppose descriptions of this story aren't important... but I am immensly appretiative.

I'd say I plan on returning the favor, but I'm not seeing your stories... someone removed them.... XD

You'll always be welcomed with broccoli here, or anything else that you'd want. *Slides broccoli over to fabula.*

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Edit: Okay, I've finished editing. It's wide open for critiquing!!!




Firefly -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (11/5/2008 19:16:25)

Wow, it's been ages since I promised. Very sorry, MS. I've finally finished reading it.

First, when are you gonna update this? It's been a while. =P

Now for the comments on this part.

I think that the part after the "thud" showcased your strongest writing. I like how you portrayed tension there, especially when he was fleeing from her into the door at the end. It was the most fast-paced part, and the most streamlined part, imo. The ending was very powerful; it definitely makes readers want to go on.

However, I don't think the beginning part was as effective as the end. Sometimes, it got wordy. You do describe the surroundings, and that's good, but a few things to watch out for:

1. Maybe watch the excessive description and place them in strategetic places. You opened by describing the door. Imo, the fact that it's opening is more important than what it looks like. However, you spend so much time talking about what it looks like that its actions could be missed in the sea of text. For example, maybe trim:

quote:

They glowed with a crystal-pale azure, complimenting the dark color.


I confess that I /did/ start drifting off a tad in the first part. Admittedly, my attention span sucks, but maybe... I dunno, something about the way you describe isn't painting the picture for me, like it's still a bunch of words. Or maybe I just want it to speed up so you can get to the action. =P Anyhow, I think it can be taken care of by simply looking at the points below.

2. Try not to restate things just to lengthen sentences:
quote:

Taken aback, the man started in puzzlement.

Imo, the two bolded parts make each other redundant. For reasons of flow, I think take out the first clause is a good choice (instead of killing "in puzzlement") Btw, "puzzlement" isn't a strong word "ment" "ly" "ful" "ness" ect. are all not the strongest words. Maybe "in surprise" or something works better.

3. Try not to use -ly adverbs in writing. They usually are a) unnecessary altogether. For example, I think you said "stumbled gracelessly" somewhere in there (I can't remember where). Stumbling already denotes graceless. People don't stumble gracefully, right? ;) b) they can be replaced by a stronger verb. For example, "ran quickly" can be replaced by "dashed" "blazed" "raced" "sprinted" ect. I suggest maybe Control + f -ing for the -ly adverbs and getting rid of them, rephrasing, or replacing with a stronger verb.

4. The age-old thing. Show, don't tell. Instead of using words to describe how a character felt, it's best to make them do actions that show their feelings. For example:

quote:

The man hesitated for a moment, staring suspiciously at her.

Instead of using suspiciously, I suggest adding an action that shows his suspicion. "The man hesitated for a moment, narrowing his eyes." The reader will understand that he is suspicious because people tend to narrow their eyes when they're suspicious, right?

5. Use words like "seem" "almost" "began to <insert action here>" "as if" ect. to a minimum. Most times, they're not necessary.

The dialogue is quite well done, though I am blind when it comes to dialogue. =P You have a great vocabulary and you don't hesitate to show it. I like that, too, and I don't think you overdid it except that you sometimes got too wordy as stated above. I didn't feel like usages of "the man" were excessive. Usually, I'd suggest using names instead of being the man, but it worked here great as is. Congratz in violating the rule and getting away with it!

Hmm, I don't remember wanting to say something else. I'm enjoying this, especially the end, and I hope you update soon. Just watch out for wordiness and remember that stronger nouns and verbs is better than using more words on adjectives and adverbs. Otherwise, I thoroughly enjoyed this. ^_^




Master Samak -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (12/16/2008 2:01:28)

Firefly!!!

Thank you for offering a critique for this! My apologies that I've been unable to respond properly to this. It's been ages too. :D

Alright. Here goes:

1. I most definitely agree with you in the sense that I probably used excessive descriptions in the wrong place. I like how you've given an example for a strategic location to place one, and I've ran through the story, taking out and revising areas. I'll likely check over it again sometime. And I apologise for drifting you off in a partial way. I've definitely reworded and taken out unnecessaries.

2. & 3. You'll have to forgive me, Firefly, for I wasn't trying to lengthen the sentence intentionally through redundancy. However, you have made an excellent point on the strength of words upon adding "ment" "ly" and the like. When I read through it again, I really saw areas that were, "Ugh, how on earth did this adjective live for so long. Deletion!". And for those areas where I really think I needed to keep those kinds of words, I did what I could to reword-out the "ly", "ment", "ness", "ful", etc. whilst keeping the adjective.

4. Ah, yes, the age-old thing. I've done what I could to revise for a show of feeling, and I'll likely (like #1) check over it again later, after my mind has rested from what I've created—unbiased itself, if you will....

5. Yes, I've taken out as many "seem" "almost" "as if" as I though probable. There were some that I used to make a point, but I did find many more that could disappear.


Thank you again, Firefly. I would hardly think my dialogue is good, so I'll use your blindness to my advantage. :D I will remember your advice and I thank you again. I'm truly glad you enjoyed this.




Master Samak -> RE: Discontinued Remembrance — Comments Thread (11/28/2009 17:47:33)

I have just posted Chapter One, or at least a portion of it. :)

It's been far too long since I tried to further develop this story, so I would appreciate any and all form of comments—even if it is to tell me how terrible it was to read this.




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