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Cow Face -> RE: Acceptus Procul Meus Rabidus Vita/Welcome To My Life Crazy Commenting Thread (6/3/2010 10:52:34)
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Just read The War. I quite enjoyed it; it's too bad it can't be entered into the Book of War. :3 I think it's an accurate depiction of what soldiers in a medieval war might have felt as they marched onward to their enemies.
Now, as for the proof-reading you'd wanted...
quote:
The smell of blood is filling the courage of the soldiers.
Here, it might be easier to understand if you re-phrased it along the lines of, "The smell of blood fills the soldiers with courage."
quote:
"Soldiers! Prepare for the attack! We shall defend this ground at all needs" the commander shouted
Since it's the end of the quotation, either a comma- or, in this case, perhaps an exclamation point- belongs after "needs." Also, since you use punctuation at the end of lines throughout the poem, adding a period after "shouted" would be more consistent.
quote:
War continues to rage with each defeat of the enemy their soldiers.
The very last bit of this line is a little wordy. It might flow better as either "each defeat of the enemy," or perhaps "each defeat of the enemy soldiers."
quote:
The fire of war, still raging in the soldiers hearts as they got one goal and it's winning!
" Soldiers " should be " soldiers' " as it's possessive. Also, just my personal preference, "have" might sound better than "got." But that's up to you, of course.
quote:
Battalions of soldiers are send out
"Send" should be "sent," as it's in the past tense.
And finally: quote:
The soldiers are now marching forwards, obilirating the enemy,
"Obilirating" should be "obliterating."
Again, enjoyed the poem a good deal, and I look forward to more from you!
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