|
A Twisted Thought -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (1/24/2009 19:45:12)
|
Taking request in L&L Workshop -- Need a Hand? I've Got a Few!
___________________________
quote:
They had stridden through the door with the air of powerful, rich men, men who were used to having their demands met quickly; the innkeeper assumed they were foreign merchants.
Here, I think the second comma could be turned into a semicolon, as you're making a new statement. Also, the original semicolon could be turned into a period, making the third statement a new sentence.
quote:
The other two wore plain black cloaks over their sable clothes; wide-brimmed hats that obscured their faces with their shadows were on their heads; and black leather gloves hid their hands.
This semicolon should disappear, as using the conjunction "and" makes punctuation unnecessary. The part that I've struck through is unneeded as well. Simply "wide-brimmed hats that obscured their faces with their shadows" is fine. Also, an "s" is needed after "Shadow", as each of the other figures are individual, meaning that the shadows are as well.
quote:
“Has anybody tried to do something?”
I think "anything" fits here better, since he's asking a very open-ended question. If Gariben /knew/ that someone had done something, he would probably ask if "someone" had done anything, for more inclusive information.
quote:
His relentless gaze drove into the innkeeper, shaking the innkeeper’s nerve.
The second "the innkeeper" could be changed to "his." The repetition of the word just irks me.
quote:
There was a strange aura of self-confidence about him, not one that came from sheer spunk, but rather from a full self-awareness, an awareness that alleged efficient lethality.
A comma should be added after spunk, since you're using a conjunction other than "and" after it, and the comma you had should be a semicolon, as the statement following it could be its own sentence.
quote:
“Yes, they do not fall to sharp steel or clubs. No matter how much we wound them, they keep crawling. We simply burn them.”
I think that "Yes" could be changed to "Well," or erased completely. It just seems unnatural to me. "Or" could be changed to "nor", as it is used in a more negative effect in this sentence. I'm not too sure on whether it's a requirement or not, so you can be the judge.
quote:
“Who are you?” the innkeeper asked.
I think a bit of emphasis on the innkeeper's attitude and tone is needed here. I imagine at this point in the conversation, he's pretty fed up with these strange visitors and how they ask questions without taking any themselves. However, it may be unnecessary given his tone the next time he speaks.
_______________________________________
Now, I'll lay off the grammar, unless I see something that /requires/ addressing.*
quote:
And he prayed.
Generally, sentences cannot begin with "and." I suggest changing this.
quote:
Was it enough? Could anything possibly be enough?
Again, I'm not sure if it's required, but, I usually italicize speech that takes place in a character's mind, if only to make it easier to follow for the reader.
quote:
He would have lighted a fire for comfort,
The past form of "light" is "lit."
quote:
The corpses were mindless, but people were saying that they were learning. Learning how to break into homes and which buildings accommodated their prey.
Perhaps just my picky nature again, but I think this period could become a beautiful semicolon.
quote:
...as he remembered what one of the regulars had said today, “Just a fortnight ago, they climbed on Johnson’s hut and pulled off the thatch, bit by bit.
This should be a semicolon, or even a colon, seeing as the previous statement is identifying the following one.
quote:
his fear overwhelmed himand he broke into tears
quote:
he would go out fighting; his hands were groping for a weapon,
I think this semicolon should become a period, and the two statements separated into two sentences.
quote:
before slamming it open.
I think "swinging" fits better here.
quote:
They threatened to crush Gariben and the others imply with their number.
This sentence is confusing, to say the least.
________________________________________
Okay, this time, I'm /honestly/ going to forget about grammar. Any mistakes I find, I'll either take care of another time, or allow another L&Ler to volunteer to fix.
Well, that was certainly a great opening chapter for this story. The setting, though not described much, is simple and easy to visualize. Your descriptions are very fine-tuned and advanced. Some parts of the story could use some more of it, but that's your choice, in the end. The banter between Gariben and the other characters goes hand-in-hand with his actions, both during combat as well as while sipping ale. The dialogue, though lacking much of the accents I'd suspect from a medieval setting, is quite good.
During combat, I could easily see just what Gariben and his party were doing at all times. However, It was unclear as to where Sam was during the skirmish. i imagine that Abbadon set him down near Phobos, but only you can clear that up for me. Throughout the entire encounter with the undead, I felt the anxiousness of the situation, and the fear imbued into Gariben was apparent, especially when he lost his weapon.
Aside from a few spelling errors, there was really nothing else to say, other than what I pointed out specifically. I honestly can't wait for the next installment of this series. Keep up the good work.
~~ A Headless Thought
* As soon as I typed that, I saw some things that bothered me xD
|
|
|
|
