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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Fortis [Comments] (1/26/2009 12:18:26)
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Hi, and congratz on the approval!
I read Prologue-Chapter 3. The start seems interesting for sure. I didn't spot many grammar mistakes -- only some misplaced articles and wrong tenses -- and your vocabulary is fine, imo.
However, I'd hope for a bit more sentence variation. Currently, you favour sentences starting with a subject and the verb is usually some form of 'to be'. Is this due to a specific style you've intentionally chosen for this story? It does create a sort of matter-of-a-fact-objective tone. Which suits the Prologue just fine, but I'm not sure, personally, if it'll carry the reader through the whole story. The downside of this style is that it may become a bit choppy to read, something like a telegram message with short sentences and lots of 'STOP's in between.
To me, this has a distancing effect, and from chapter 1 onwards, when I think I would love to relate to the main characters, build my own personal connection with them, so to speak, I find it a tad hard to do. So, my suggestion is based solely on my own opinion, but maybe you could use more varying verbs and sentence structures when you proceed onward from chapter 1?
Eg, in this paragraph:
quote:
Felix Thompson was way down the other end of the spectrum. It was apparent he was in his mid-forties from his sagging skin and the grey highlights in his otherwise black hair, despite being in very good physical shape. His eyes were a cloudy grey, and looked as if they were lost in his memories. He was about twenty when the Light came into power; he had been around when people had the right to their own possessions, the right to say what they wanted, the right to do what they wanted, and that was what made the work camp that much worse.
you could replace some of those 'was's with stronger verbs or by rephrasing.
->
quote:
Felix Thompson was way down the other end of the narrow spectrum. Despite his excellent physical shape, his sagging skin and the grey highlights in the otherwise black hair hinted on his real age. His cloud-grey eyes looked as if he was lost in memories of his forty-something years spent on earth. He had been around when people still had the right to their own possessions, the right to say what they wanted, and the right to do what they wanted. Remembering the time before the Light came into power made the long days wasting away at the work camp that much worse.
Edits in bold, remaining 'was's underlined. Note that I also added the word 'narrow' before the spectrum. If Fortis is at his late twenties and Felix is at his mid-forties, then 'the other end of the spectrum' doesn't sound quite right, imo, as they aren't really that far apart agewise. However, if you are referring to the narrow spectrum of ages present at the work camp (the older ones perishing under the work-load), then adding that little word, or some other elaboration, might help.
Anyways, the above edit is just a suggestion to incite new ideas. Your story, your characters, your decisions!
I hope this comment was even slightly helpful.
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