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smbdoll -> Issue 41 - A Necromancers Guide to Applied Morality (Rimblade) (4/6/2009 14:46:01)
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A Necromancer's Guide to Applied Morality
by Rimblade
LORE is an exceptionally progressive plane.
There are those who would debate that statement, claiming that despite the recent introduction of extremely advanced future technologies and amazing drakel magiscience, LORE yet clings to the semblance of its medieval ways.* Still others would agree, noting the growing acceptance of other species among LORE's populace, and the triumph of lofty ideals over more mundane concerns.**
Luckily, none of that is relevant to the focus of this article.
All the concerns about idealism and decreasing number of bathrooms*** aside, however, is a question of philosophical note which has become more pressing in recent years: Necromancy. While this author accepts and respects his neighbors and colleagues who might happen to be Necromancers (and furthermore deeply appreciates the lack of undead assaults upon his home), the very act of raising fallen warriors into undeath raises some rather intriguing questions, which I shall explore here. For your convenience, they will be in numerical order.
1. Is it morally justifiable to tear the bones of the blessed dead from their places of rest?
This is one of the easier issues: they've clearly stopped using that body. If you're surrounded by a shambling horde of paladins (I admit that paladins do not USUALLY come in shambling hordes, but I feel that a complete reversal of roles is required for this) who are willing to send you back into the darkness that spawned you, you have an obligation to protect yourself. Anyway, epic battles between good and evil don't feel right without a few skeletons.
2. Can I imbue my creature with the trapped soul of his former life and bind him in the chains of servitude to my darkness, or is that a no-no?
Usually, this is INDEED a no-no. A few exceptions to this rule include those who are willing to be reanimated (check to see if they have ulterior motives involving slaying you first), those who you really want revenge on (Do NOT reanimate him if it took you a thousand minions just to kill him the first time around) and those who have valuable information. It's probably best to leave your best friends to their rest, as the unspeakable pain their mutilations cause them will surely shake your faith in your own art, and cause you to falter at a critical point in whatever triumphant ritual of darkness your study leads you to.
3. Is it okay for me to build a cathedral of darkness from the shattered bones of my foes?
Absolutely! Remember, though- if you're planning on giving it the power to move, give it the power to groove. If your undead house ain't got rhythm, then it's not really a home.
4. One word: Zombie-Kittens?
This is a grey area. While there is no ethical problem with reanimating a cute little kitty and sending it to trash your foes, few necromancers can control that sort of power. Save these as last resorts.
5. What can I wear?
As a necromancer, you are allowed to wear ANYTHING, as long as the color black features strongly in your choice of attire. It is still not really a good idea to wear parachute pants, even with skulls.
Kilts are allowed.
6. Now, I know that we're allowed to learn many interesting languages, such as Greater Demonic and Even Greater Demonic...
Go on...
6.5 ...but can we speak in 1337?
No.
6.75 Okay, how about all caps? Drakath did that, and...
NO.
6.875 Please?
NO. You may, however, talk with a black background instead of a normal white text-speech-bubble.
7. So the end of life is approaching, and I'm considering my retirement plans. What are the pros and cons to becoming an undead lich of terrible might?
It's nice to see people planning out their futures like this. While there are those who make the claim that immortalizing yourself as an undead being of supreme power is wrong, despite the awesome spells, portable armies, extended mobility, vast wealth, and number of women who are simply dazzled by your awe-inspiring might and ability to grant immortality to them if they become your queen and- sorry, forgot where I was going with this one.
In any case, the only real con is that, paradoxically, anyone who discovers a way to become immortal is likely to have a minute lifespan, given the number of adventurers who will assume you are a fiend worthy of destruction.
8. Why is necromancy always green? Why can it be some other color, perhaps a nice cyan, or mauve?
Okay, first off, that green color is awesome. Second off, that green color is really just awesome. In reality, a necromancer COULD use whatever color of dread magic they wanted- but most spellcasters of renown aren't much for fashion, and nothing hurts worse than being laughed out of your own lair by the undead horde you've raised.
9. You know, I don't think this is very unbiased at all. You seem to be supporting the idea that readers should become necromancers and destroy things!
Well, that's eight vital questions which sum up the ethical debates in this exotic and fun field of study. Since we have no more time for questions, it's a good thing we covered every possible situation here. Tune in next time for-
9.5. Now wait, you haven't justified the obvious bias you've displayed toward-
I BELIEVE I said we have no more time for questions.
9.65. But I...
SHOO.
Regardless, that wraps up every known ethical debate within the field of paranormal necrological study. If you find yourself in a situation not covered here, you're probably imagining it, and arguably insane! If you still need help figuring out to do, remember this basic rule of thumb:
Be evil AND funny.
Raising a horde of undead villagers to attack other villagers and loot you things is evil, but is it funny? No, it's only funny if all of these undead are carrying accordions. Parasols work too, and I think that encapsulates this entire article: if you don't want to encounter moral quandaries, bring some umbrellas.
*I.E.- A paucity of toilets.
**I.E.- 'It's the Devourer! He's going to destroy us all!'
***Rumor has it that the line for the one in Yulgar's Inn stretches all the way to Granemor
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