Horror Stories-Comments (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Gaming Community] >> [Legends and Lore] >> Writers of Lore >> Works Discussion >> Other Creative Works Discussion



Message


Oddmanthefirst -> Horror Stories-Comments (10/12/2009 16:45:37)

Thread

Comments please!




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Horror Stories-Comments (10/29/2009 17:23:59)

Hiyas!

This is the first part out of three in my repsonse to your equest in the Workshop thread. I shall post my critique for the third horro story in a separate post here and the third part of the critique in the respective comments thread for Manipulation later.

Requested critique part 1/3 - Haunted House

Why did I start thinking of the movie The Others after reading this? =P

I think there are many good and scary elements in this, such as the attic serving as another dimension to reality (that's at least he vibe I got, =P) and the girl appearing to the road all of the sudden to warn.

However, what bothers me here is that you leave too much in the dark, imo. I'm not sure if this story is an example of how sometimes the logic and connections between different elements are so clear in the mind of the author, that they are left out of the story, thus confusing the readers as they do not know all what the author knows. It is true that monsters lurk in the dark, and overexplaining them usually damages the scare-factor. But, I think you have left too much in the dark here, leaving the readers guessing with too little 'facts' to rely on. The story has too many confusing, uncleared points for me to know what should I be scared of.

Comments on details:

1)
quote:

“But I don’t want to move to this old and nasty house!” moaned Jill.

If I understood correctly, the family is on their way to the house, not yet arrived at it. That's why I'd suggest changing this to 'that' or 'such an'.

2)
quote:

He stroked his coarse gray hair with his right hand, with his other on the wheel.

This is not totally necessary, but I thought that maybe it could set the scene even better if you'd add some notes about the car moving or the engine humming in the background even before we get to this. It would create a stronger feel of movement and put more impact to the sudden stop later when the girl appears. Just a suggestion though.

3)
quote:

“That’s enough Jack and Jill!” shouted my mom. Her strong words indicated that she was done with this trivial badgering.

'indicated' sounds a tad of an understatement after 'shouted' and 'strong words'. How about changing this to 'told loud and clear' or something along those lines?

4)
quote:

Rags of remnant clothing covered her frail body. Her hair was a very light blonde and she had a pale face.

A bit further in the text, you tell Jack felt scared and wanted the girl go away. What was it exactly that scared him so much? Was it only because she almost got trammelled under the car? Or was there something scary, some note of contradiction in her behaviour? I'd wish you'd elaborate on the girl and her actions, to make her appearance more like a prophecy and the night in the house feel more scary.

Did tears run down her face? Was she trembling? Were there any marks on her skin? What was her approximated age? Was her voice contradicting her age or state of being? Was her voice broken? Her pupils dilated of fear? Answering all or any of these questions could be used to give the scene a little more weight.

5)
quote:

“Just please stop…,” she cried.

Mesuspects the ellipsis should be treated as exclamation and question marks in quotes, thus the comma is not needed.

6)
quote:

“I-I-I’m warning you…, do not go in tha-that house,” the girl stammered.

Mesuspects the comma is unneeded here as well.

7)
quote:

I felt scared, a feeling that I have not experienced in a long time, and I wanted the girl not to be there with us any longer.

This feels like a shift in tense. Also, I think this would flow better without the 'that'->
'I felt scared, a feeling I had not experienced in a long time, and I wanted the girl not to be there with us any longer.'

8)
quote:

As the leaves cleared, the girl was no where to be found.

My dictionary claims that 'nowhere' should be written without the space. 'nowhere' vs 'no place'

9)
quote:

My mother’s expression clearly showed one of confusion as she reentered the car. We continued our way to our new house.

By the way, what time of the day is it? Is the sun setting while they are driving or do they spend some time in the house while it's still light? What does the house look like outside. Moving straight from the drive to sleeping feels a bit odd since both the kids resented moving there quite openly. That made me wait for some elaboration on how they feel as they arrive to their hated-to-be-home.

Also, since the ambience of the house is crucial to the scary atmosphere, setting the scene for the nightly sounds, I'd suggest describing the insides of the house a little bit as well.

10)
quote:

That night, sleep was not easy to overcome.

To me 'overcome' means winning over the sleep, thus he's trying to stay awake? Somehow rest of the scene made me feel as if he was trying to fall asleep but the thoughts kept him awake. Thus, this sentence seems to contradict that.

11)
quote:

Something about that girl made me want to believe her, yet logic had deemed it implausible.

How did he come to that conclusion? Did Jack doubt the whole event to have happened, the girl to be completely crazy, some poor soul on the run away from home, or did he wonder how she would have even known the destination of his family? This seems a little too fast conclusion to me for him to make. After all, he had been scared by the appearance of the girl.

12)
quote:

Out of the darkness, a deft screeching noise was heard.

Why the passive? Imo, this would feel more threatening in active form as Jack does hear it ->
'Out of the darkness, I heard a deft screeching noise.'
Or, you could make the noise feel like the active component in this equation:
'Out of the darkness carried a deft screeching noise.'

13)
quote:

The noise became louder and louder.
...
As I got to my destination, the noise became louder.

The latter sentence feels a little like unnecessary repetition, imo, since you already told the noise was growing louder. I'd suggest either adding the word 'even' to the latter sentence, or rephrase it completely to show the extent of the power the noise had on Jack->
'As I got to my destination, the noise grew even louder.'
or
'As I reached my destination, the noise boomed in my ears loud enough to hurt.'

14)
quote:

The noise ceased to exist as the door became ajar.

Just to cut down the repetition of the word 'noise', I'd suggest a rewording here:
'Silence fell the instant the door hung ajar.'
15)
quote:

Then I went back to my disturbed bed and looked out the window to find that the lamp post outside was flickering.

“Jack! Jill! Come down for breakfast!” shouted my mom.

I'd suggest adding a transition from the night to morning, similarly as the drive to the house needs a transition to the night earlier in the story.

I guess the easiest way to do this would be to just tell how Jack fell asleep staring at the flickering lamp post. A suggestion:
'Then I went back to my disturbed bed and looked out the window to find that the lamp post outside was flickering. I fell asleep watching the light growing and diminishing according to its own erratic rhythm.'
Or something else that fits its purpose in creating a transition.

16)
quote:

“With pleasure…,” I sarcastically answered.

As in point 5), that comma isn't really needed.

17)
quote:

I quickly excused myself from the dinner table.

I thought it was breakfast. Or maybe: 'from the dinner table that had apparently been demoted to serving breakfast.'

18)
quote:

When I got up there, I went to Jill’s room. There I steadily looked upon the room and checked inside the bed.

A suggestion for you to consider just to avoid some of the repetition:
'When I got upstairs, I turned left*) to Jill's room. There, I steadily looked around and even checked inside the bed. Nothing.'
*)or right, or walked straight, depending on the direction of her room.

19)
quote:

All of the breath in her body exhaled out of her mouth as tears swelled up in her eyes.

OK, I know this is nitpickerish =P, but breath doesn't exhale. So, I'd suggest a little rewording:
'All of her breath left her as tears swelled up in her eyes.'
or
'Tears swelled up in her eyes as she exhaled, her breath escaping through her mouth until there was no more air in her lungs.'

20)
quote:

I state the obvious, “She’s not there.”

Just a typo: 'stated'.

21)
quote:

I sluggishly cavorted towards the rope. I tug hard onto the rope and a staircase fell upon me.

A matter of preference, but I'd rather use 'it' in the latter sentence instead of repeating the word 'rope ' so quickly.

22)
quote:

I felt an inability to breath.

Another minor typo: 'breathe'.
Imo, this could also be written in a simpler way:
'I felt unable to breathe.'
or with more elaboration:
'The stale and dusty air felt suffocating.'

23)
quote:

A single gold crown lay before me.

Hmm, could you elaborate a little on the gold crown to give in more meaning for the following scenes?Even if you bring it out in the poem soon afterwards, wouldn't Jack wonder what the crown is doing there before he decides to wear it? Why does he wear it?

24)Quoteless note. Where did Jill go? Did Jack totally forget his parents at this point? I found myself hoping some 'writing-off' of those characters so that they wouldn't just suddenly vanish, but rather, fade away from Jack's world.




Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Horror Stories-Comments (10/29/2009 20:21:56)

Requested critique part 2/3 - Claw

1)
quote:

His cold blue eyes longs for the freedom of this nightmare.

Methinks that should be in singular as it refers to eyes in plural.

2)
quote:

Freedom, which mocks him from the other side of the transparent barrier.

It seems to me that this is a fragmented sentence. Either the independent clause is missing altogether from the end or this should be rephrased to 'Freedom mocks him from the other side of the transparent barrier.'

3)
quote:

Darkness plagues the land with abrupt showers of dangerous light at times.

Imo, 'land' by itself corresponds to imagery of open space, which is contracting the essence of the claustrophobic cube you have just described. Therefore, I'd like to suggest replacing this with, for example, 'crowded space' or with an expression that is equally cramped as the image of the cube.

4)
quote:

The stench of death covers the vast area.

Again, I think this is warring with the previous imagery. Suggestions:
'The stench of death covers the whole area.'
or
'The stench of death engulfs everything.'

5)
quote:

A single steel claw hovers above. Three crisp-edged points creates a hand, resembling a construction crane. The claw hangs from above by a rusting iron chain. The claw looms mystically over each individual, looking for its next meal.

A suggestion to cut down the repetition of the word 'claw' here and to vary the sentence structures just a tad:
'Looking for its next meal, it looms mystically over each individual.'

6)
quote:

To him, there is no point to life.

Shouldn't that preposition be 'in'?

7)
quote:

No single aspiration to look forward to.

Hmm, 'Not a single aspiration'? 'No single aspiration' would implicate not one, but many aspiration according to my warped sense of English. =P

8)
quote:

Blinding light scorches the night into day. The game has now begun. The claw becomes alive, gliding through space, searching. Fear persuades the legs of the hopeless to run. Chaos commences. The claw swoops down to the floor, only to meet clean air. The claw retreats into the sky and the day turns to night.

Another paragraph where every sentence starts with the subject. There's a lot of repetition of 'the claw' as well. While effective in creating a sense of fragmented reality,I wonder, if it's just a little too much. I'd suggest playing around with the sentence structure a little. If you don't like the result, you don't have to use it, of course.

An alternative phrasing:
'Blinding light scorches the night into day. The game has begun. Gliding through space, searching, the claw becomes alive. Fear persuades the legs of the hopeless to run. Chaos commences. The claw swoops down to the floor, only to meet clean air. With all its three fingers, it retreats into the sky and the day turns to night. '
(Also, I'd leave out the 'now' from the second sentence, to make it shorter and a tad harsher/more urgent.)

9)
quote:

The crowd below resumed their positions. Joe had no effect on any one of them, for their fate still remained.

A little mix-up here: these two sentences are in the past tense while everything else is in present.

10)
quote:

A smirk creases the operator’s lips as he looks upon his new victim.

I managed to interpret this as if the man already fished out another victim after Joe. Maybe 'newest' would point with more clarity to Joe, his latest victim?

11)
quote:

With a simple press of a button, the man goes flying through the air and then caught again.

The latter part of this sentence feels somewhat fragmented without the verb to be->
'and is then caught again.'
However, imo, the time line of the actions depicted here would be clearer after a little rephrasing:
'With a simple press of a button, the man goes flying through the air before being caught again.'

12)
quote:

He was playing with his food…

The past tense is confusing me again. =P

13)
quote:

The operator fiercely cocks the joy stick to the left.

My dictionary claims that 'joystick' is written without the space. Could be one of those words with two different spellings, though.

14)
quote:

The hole is home to Death’s doorstep.

I find this formulation, being home to a doorstep a little odd. Imo, 'The hole is Death's doorstep' or 'The hole leads to Death's doorstep' would seem far more natural to me.

15)
quote:

The claw releases its grasp of the man over the trench. He gracefully falls into the unknown.

He tries to scream, yet no words come out of his mouth.

I'm wondering if that's in contradiction with the man falling for his death, trying to scream. He may not flail his arms since the claw crushed his bones, but is the fall still graceful? Maybe the claw could release him gracefully from its grasp and the man would fall limp into the unknown, like a boned fish?


16)
quote:

His blue eyes look up as the day turned to night once again. The ground shakes and a cold body now rests upon a red floor.

'turns'
Also, is he still dying or dead already? I'm asking this because of the 'cold body' right in the following sentence. It takes time for the body heat to evaporate, if he just died and all these events told in these two sentences follow each other in quick succession there's no time for the body to turn cold.

In general, I enjoyed the odd, irrational, and somewhat claustrophobic atmosphere in this, which was further enhanced by the length of the story. You gave enough to describe the scene, and I don't even need more explanations as to why this was happening. I guess this would be because the whole setting was created for irrational horror, whereas in the Haunted House the setting was in this world, moving out.




Page: [1]

Valid CSS!




Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition
0.109375