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Eukara Vox -> Issue 50 - Where Not to Take Your Date (Tolan) (2/1/2010 15:11:05)
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Where Not to Take Your Date
The 5 Worst Date Locations in Lore
By J. M. Tolan
Let's face it: there are some places that everyone wants to take their significant other during SnuggleFest. The Ambient Snuggle Condution Factor* of certain places just makes them innately more desirable to be at, and to take that special someone in your life. But, of course, this popularity inevitably means that many heroes wont be able to go; you can't have every hero in all of Lore turn up at the Sunbreeze Grove Snuggle**, after all. It'd be a madhouse.
However, in the search for alternative date locals, there are the good, the bad, and the worst. There are some places that you just shouldn't go; places so horrible, so poorly chosen, they should bring fear at the sound of their name alone. And yet, every year, some poor couple winds up there for SnuggleFest. In an effort to spare those couples their misery, I have come up with a list of the top 5 worst places to go for SnuggleFest.
FIVE: LYMCREST
I know what you're thinking. "What do you mean, Lymcrest is bad? Couples are supposed to work together, right? And Togicides are all about working together, right? So it's perfect!"
No, it's not.
No, my good hero, you do not want to go on a Togicide on SnuggleFest. Why? Well, for starters, you won't have time to snuggle. I know you may think you can snuggle and fight togs at the same time, but trust me; you can't. Even the humblest of togs can do serious damage to you or your loved one if you're distracted with each other. Yes, there's a heal pad, but trust me, the last thing you want to do on SnuggleFest is sit around on a healpad waiting for your leg to regrow. It's messy, unattractive, and likely to start arguments over who got the right order to slay the togs.
Unless you're both trying to figure it out on your own. In which case you're more likely to slay each other out of pure frustration.
FOUR: POPSPROCKET
I know what you're thinking here, too. "Gnomes are so small and cute! Surely their city will be the perfect place to be for snuggles!"
You clearly haven't been there before. Or didn't stay very long, if you have.
You see, Gnomes, unlike Moglins, do not embrace the innate cuteness that comes with their small size. In fact, they spend most of their time trying to work against it, covering themselves in the grime of their work wearing tools, so that any snuggling is met with an undesirable reward. But even more than their distaste for the "small and cute" characterization, there’s a much more important reason you shouldn't go to Popsprocket for Snugglefest; it's banned.***
Because of the Gnome's heavy reliance on Cyklons and other robots with artificial intelligence, they must be careful not to do anything that would cause a fatal error in that AI. After one SnuggleFest where the Cyklons nearly took over Popsprocket, calling the participating Gnomes "illogical" and accusing them of "processing errors", it was decreed that SnuggleFest would not be practiced there and any Gnomes wishing to participate would be free to do so elsewhere, for the safety of the city and its inhabitants.
THREE: SHADOW OF THE WIND VILLAGE
Ninjas, bless them, are not very well equipped to understand a holiday such as SnuggleFest. Indeed, if you were trained from a young age that close proximity to a living body usually ends with a dead body, you'd have trouble understanding it too. It's just strange to them. But amazingly, bodily harm is not the reason this village is number 3; it's the incredible awkwardness.
You see, ninjas understand the basic premise of SnuggleFest. They know they're not supposed to kill the person they snuggle. And they know they're supposed to express themselves as well. It's the simple fact that they are unfamiliar with both of those processes, and this makes SnuggleFest in Shadow of the Wind Village very, very awkward. Indeed, the words "um" and "uh" are used by ninjas almost exclusively during SnuggleFest. It's understandable; you'd have problems explaining your feelings if you were trained to conceal them from birth as well. But that doesn't change the fact that the last place you want to spend SnuggleFest is surrounded by stammering ninjas.
TWO: THURSDAY'S HOUSE
It's got bedrooms, a garden, and plenty of reading material, right?
WRONG.
Yes, I know it seems like this would be obvious, but this has been done, for precisely the reasons above. It sounds very good on paper; walk through the garden, admire the plants, then grab a book and curl up together for a nice snuggle. And I can see you right now, poor misguided soul, looking at this and thinking "Hey, that’s a good idea..."
DON'T DO IT.
Your stroll through the greenhouse will end when you're chased out by carnivorous plants, and your thanks for fending them off will be a slap across the face. The book you were intending to read will undoubtedly start whispering inside your head, until it takes on a life of its own and attempts to possess you, whereupon your significant other will kick you in the butt to bring you back to your senses. When you attempt to at least retire to a snuggle, the bed you find will shortly become animate and attempt to consume you. Slaying this bed will not result in ending your problems, however, as this will merely release the monster living underneath it. Having to be rescued by your dearly beloved, you will at the end of the night find yourself alone on Doomwood Dock with a sore face, a sore butt, and only your latest catch to snuggle. ****
ONE: SERENITY'S INN
Quaint little Serenity's Inn? What, you may ask, could possibly go wrong at Serenity's Inn? We love Serenity. She's a great innkeeper! She's always cheerful, always has a fire going in the fireplace, and she sells us noob weapons for really cheap! Why is Serenity's Inn on this list?
Go to the attic.
If you never bothered to actually poke around the inn, you may be surprised to know that the spectral presence at the inn is remarkably high. Ghosts have literally come out of the floorboards. Although these spirits are nothing to fear as enemies, the unaware couple intending to have their snuggles there will be in for a surprise; the specters love to play pranks, and there's nothing, better to them, like scaring a snuggly couple just as they're getting settled in. Indeed, having observed a few cases of this myself, I must agree with the dearly undeparted on the count of hilarity. The looks on the faces of the disturbed couples are mirthful in one of the highest degrees I have yet found.
But, you aren't picking a SnuggleFest location for laughs, you're picking it for snuggles. And unless you enjoy being scared out of your armor for snuggles, Serenity's Inn, I’m afraid, is one of the last places you should go.
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* The scientific measure of an area's conduciveness to snuggling. One of the best indicators of a good SnuggleFest location.
**Sunbreez Grove Snuggle may or may not be an actual event. Attend at your own discretion.
*** Gnomish historians and lawmakers declined comment on the validity of this. The author has no comment on the subject of if he actually made an effort to find out, or just made it up on the spot.
**** The vivid detail of this scenario is not meant to represent any persons, living or dead, and has most certainly never happened to anyone the author knows, especially not himself.
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