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Eukara Vox -> Issue 51 - Bizarre Curses (Ultrapowerpie) (3/1/2010 16:55:02)
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Bizarre Curses
By Ultrapowerpie
I'll tell you, some of the things us adventurers have to go through just to recover a lost artifact! I had to go through twelve stat rolls just to find this stupid lost temple, each one testing each of my stats twice! Then, when I got INTO the dungeon, I had to fight like twenty monsters! And not just easy ones, there was Phlox, Vampire Handmaidens, Naga Witch Queens... it was like The Void opened up... oh, it was terrible! And get this, the boss was... oh it was horrible, I can't even give it a name! It was absolutely dreadful! I don't even know how I made it past it!
But you're not here to listen to me rant about insanely hard bosses to a recording orb! You're here to discover what hidden treasure I found in the ruins! It's an ancient book of curses!! And not just any curses, but it is The Big Book of Bizarre Curses written by Billy Burlington the Third!
This book was sealed inside the dungeon with a ridiculously long name that I've forgotten it because the curses were deemed so odd, weird, curious, and just plain strange for the world of Lore. However, I will unearth its secrets to share with the entire world!
However, I cannot do it myself, for you see I am a warrior build, and don't actually know too much about magic. However, with me today is Will the Wild West Wizard!
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw! It's great to be here Cid! I'm happier then a snake in a maze full of lab mice!"
Right... anyways, I'm hoping that you can interpret the text in this book, it's in teeny tiny cursive and I'm terrible at reading it... why can't everyone just write in print like normal people these days?
"Let me get on my reading glasses and have a looksie at this book... whooooooooowheeeee! I've seen chickens with better handwriting than this hombre! Fortunately my brother-in-law is a doctor, so I'm used to reading chicken scratch. So, anything in particular you want me to read?"
I just want to know what's so peculiar about this book that it had to be sealed away...
"Here's one... 'May all of your delicious frozen dairy treats and edible seafood be always consumed by the Devourer..."
Uhh, nothing happened...
"Hiyas!"
Why hello Twig! What brings you here?
"Fish and Ice Cweam!"
Awww, you're so adorable, I think Yulgar has some out back if you want some...
"Yays!"
I'm beginning to think that this spell book is broken...
"Actually, it looks like it's been used before... see, you can see all the earmarks on these pages... in fact, that curse I just read has an earmark..."
Read another one...
"Here we go... 'You accursed creatures that steal my boxes hear me! You will no longer infest Lore with your endless shenanigans! I use this fusion spell on this frog and lizard to create a NEW breed of monster that will ransack the land! Drive these infernal creatures to the western regions and populate Lore like rabbits!"
Wow, that's a really specific odd curse... but again, nothing happened. Try another one!
"Hold your horses, Cid, I'll get you another spell... 'You dare call yourselves dragons? You are beaten up constantly! Grow some backbone, ye pitiful lizards, and start roasting adventurers like never before...' Wow, that's some very deep stuff..."
Clearly this guy had issues... but again, nothing's happening...
"It says here at the bottom that this spell has a long delayed reaction..."
USELESS! See what else we got in this book... can't believe I nearly died for this useless book...
"I know, this book also stinks more then a cow pie... 'This land is far to serious for my liking! May it be filled with puns, great and small, good and bad, cheesy and sophisticated! None shall escape the puniness of my wrath!!!'"
Wait... is THAT why there's... oh my gosh, this book must be ancient!
"I reckon your right... 'You pathetic adventurers who constantly ask me for healing, be gone with you! I am sick of your inability to heal yourselves when you can purchase it at a spell shop at a reasonable price! If you want healing, you shall get it! May you be followed by an adorably cute yet annoying creature that will heal you ever 2 battles wherever you go!!!'"
"Hiya guys!"
Oh, hey Twilly, what's new?
"Do you need a heal?"
No thanks, but I think Twig might, he may have a tummy ache after raiding Yulgar's food supplies.
"Okies!"
Another curse that's a flop, I'm beginning to think this guy is all hot air...
"Seriously, that last one didn't even sound that sinister at all... 'Clones! I curse this land to be filled with clones! Clones of everything that you can see, from adventurers to those people that issue you quests but don't really do anything themselves! May you all be invaded by clones that assist you in battle while fighting a clone of them at the same time...' Man this guy has problems."
Yeah... oh, that reminds me, I need to take my Big Clone out for a walk later, he gets all lonely if I don't let him slay something...
"Here's another one... 'Stop picking on my dragons with that ridiculous Dragon Blade! I hereby curse it from it's roaming ways to put it in one spot but have a ridiculously long and hard quest to obtain it...' It looks like this one was used recently..."
Wait, is THAT why... oh, that's mean, that's just plain mean...
"Wow, here's a doozy... 'I hate holidays! Every time there's a holiday, people always ask me to do favors for them just because I'm a wizard! I curse every holiday in this land to become some sort of big crazy event that has some sort of villain or army attacking it!'"
I think this should be renamed to the "Big Book of Curses by a grumpy wizard..."
"This guy is more ornery then a bull with a bear on his back! I don't think we should read any more curses from this book, who knows what it may cause..."
Bah, I don't think the thing works anyways...
"Here's one... 'May a giant pie in the sky come down and smite you...' that's odd..."
*SMITE!*
"Wow, that is one HUGE pie! I'd even say it's gigantic! And it came from the sky! And it smited you! Maybe this book IS authentic after all!"
At least it's a pumpkin pie... That's all for now folks...
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