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Master Samak -> RE: Haunting Mystery's Comments and Criticism! (11/17/2011 17:35:24)
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Hello, Haunting Mystery!
A very nice prologue, I thought. On the whole it sets a very good setting for the story to progress. It has a subtle mysterious tone I liked.
If I could, I would suggest looking over it again and making sure the transitions from one event to another are well explained. I know it is a prologue, so it can be short, but there are some parts where the reader is forced to imagine assumptions for the story to continue making smooth sense. Is that understandable?
One example I have would be the very last paragraph. It gives us new information, but moves quickly past each one. Why did an intense argument break out? What was it about? Why did it cause them to run away, even cry at that? Where did they run to and did they go together? How were they easily able to get jobs at the hospital? Where exactly is Liberty City, etc. Do you see what I mean?
Try to read aloud what you write and see if it can be followed by a reader who has no idea what HeroSmash is. You don't have to go out of your way to lay out every single detail in your world (the audience's imagination helps with that in a minor way), but arguably more detail is better than less detail when you're trying to narrate an event.
You set up the three characters nicely and I could get a decent understanding how the powers came to be. Just keep at it and help clarify and answer any questions you could predict a reader to have. Well done!
(Oh yes, and there doesn't appear to be any spaces after periods before a new sentence in your prologue. It that because of the software you use to write with?)
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