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Master Merlin -> The Betrayal of Loki Discussion Thread (12/27/2011 22:49:08)

The Betrayal of Loki

My reinterpretation of the version of the Norse Myths translated by Snorri Sturluson. Sturluson was an Icelandic poet and historian that kept the traditions of his ancestors alive despite the pain of death and dishonor imposed by the Icelandic governement at that time. However, in the process he was forced to alter some of the original story to make it more suitable to his colleagues, and turned Loki from a benevolent trickster into a satanic devil figure and transformed Baldur into a walking biblical allegory. With all respect to the spirit and intent of Sturluson's work, I set out on a mission to try and restore some of what Loki might have been like in the original Norse Myths. I have loved the Norse Myths ever since I was a child, and hope that I managed to make a worthy tribute to them. We will never know what they truly were about, but can piece together a good enough picture to gain a basic insight into their past, and fill in what we don't know with information and beliefs appropriate to today's world. The river may diverge far into the ocean, but its source is still the same.

Notes

1. Loki in the original myths is a Jotun, and in this version is half-Jotun and half-Alfar. The reason for this is that I wanted to emphasize the "fire" aspect of his character, and didn't think that a being mere giant would fulfill that. It is also for this reason that Loki has fangs and talons (my elves are more feral in nature than other elves), in addition to the blonde hair that is common to the Alfar. The only thing really Jotun about him is his height, slightly taller than the average God, and his temper, capable of being downright vicious at times (if allowed to flourish).

2. The chapter "Tyr in the Underworld" and my depiction of Hel in general was probably based a little too much on the Greek Myths, considering that the original Norse underworld was frozen and cold as opposed to blazing and hot, but at that time I was writing this I was obsessed by Eris, Goddess of Discord, and that heavily influenced my writing of this scene. I also inadvertently pictured Hel as the actress Helena Bonham Carter, who is pretty much the archetypal charismatic antivillainess. You can picture her however you want, although as a child of Loki she has the characteristic fangs and claws of the Alfar, flickering skeletal left side, and dark hair with a slightly violet hue to it.




demolitiondragon -> RE: The Betrayal of Loki Discussion Thread (12/29/2011 0:08:31)

Sounds intriguing... Mind if I poach this to take with me while I'm away?




Master Merlin -> RE: The Betrayal of Loki Discussion Thread (12/29/2011 16:29:07)

Not at all, be my guest!

On a side note, I remembered some events that may be perceived as inconsistencies in the story, but actually have some sort of explanation to them that is not clear in the text. I'll spoiler them just in case.

spoiler:

The Jotun Warlock's inability to do magic still stands. In the confrontation with the dark elf he merely had a bodyguard come up from behind the Alfar and knock him unconscious, then throw him into sea to be devoured by the Jormungand. In Tyr's quest to visit the underworld, despite that it was a chapter before Odin's revelation that Loki was free and "intending to lead an army to burn the fields and pastures of Asgard into cinders", Odin did indeed tell Tyr of this before any of the other Aesir, because he trusted him beyond all of his other lieutenants and desired to quickly bring the information to his son. Also, the loose ends relating to Baldur and Vidar's story will be resolved at a later date, but suffice to say that neither of them really dies and they both go on to lead the remnants of the Aesir after the destruction and remaking of the world in Ragnarok.




demolitiondragon -> RE: The Betrayal of Loki Discussion Thread (1/19/2012 3:53:07)

Sorry for the lateness of this. It's not finished, but here's what there is so far. I hope any of it will be of use to you. =]

CHAPTER 1
quote:

The first saplings had just appeared on the trees in the orchards of Idun,

Keeping in mind that I've had only a basic exposure to structured Norse mythology, do you really mean saplings?
quote:

Aesir of Fire, indeed!" At these words Loki became bitter at heart, replying,"

At a change of speaker, a new paragraph should begin. Also, the speech marks at the beginning of Loki's reply are on the wrong side of the space. ;)
quote:

Merely a broken pile of clay, inactive and lame, which is not too far from what you are now!"

Ouch!
quote:

Yet he was not akin to taking insults from a youngling,

'Akin' probably isn't the word you're after. 'Accustomed' would be a better fit.
quote:

and in truth Loki's words had instilled in him a fire that was lost since birth.

Would 'had been lost' disrupt what you're aiming for?
quote:

And Loki, seeing his opportunity, said, "Very well then, we shall have an archery contest."

Again, new speaker; new paragraph.
quote:

Then, believing that he already won, exclaimed "Wait here, Hodur! I shall come back with our arrows."

'had already won' would be more grammatically correct, or alternatively, "believing the contest already won...". Also, a comma after 'exclaimed'.
quote:

But going back to his home he found the quiver where he stored his arrows empty, and was outraged.

Hm. Either a comma after 'home', or something akin to 'But upon arriving at his home' would help this sentence. The last section also reads a little bit "tacked-on" and breaks your flow. Perhaps something similar to 'But to his outrage, he found his quiver empty when he arrived home.' may serve you better.
quote:

Yet even as he spoke a devious plot came into his mind, and he said to himself,

A comma is definitely needed after 'spoke'.
quote:

Now Loki had no knowledge of the prophesy of Frigga,

Prophesy = the act of fortelling. Prophecy = the thing that was foretold. Easy one to mix up.
quote:

he set off into the forest and gathered as many sprigs of the herb as he could find,

You sure that's a herb? Careful of the terminology you use. ;)
quote:

However, what was awaiting him in the clearing was a dreadful sight.

You could just as easily drop the first third of the sentence. "Awaiting him..." Otherwise you may wish to shuffle the sentence a bit: "However, a dreadful sight awaited him in the clearing." to clear up the mixed tense.
quote:

The foliage was parted, and between the withering branches laid a figure in the grass.

'Lay' would be the correct tense for the word in this instance.
Definitely didn't see that one coming! Thought there might have been an accident during their contest, but no!

CHAPTER 2
quote:

He tore the dreadful dart out of his forehead, causing dark blood to spurt out into the air.

Gross as it sounds, you may want to check out the way bloodsplatter works. (The following may be a bit disturbing.) When people are dead, apparently the blood in their body rushes to the lowest points, leaving one side pale and giving the other a mottled appearance (or so the First Aid teacher told us...). Not sure how long it takes for that to happen. Or if this is part of the legend, or if these guys go by different rules. O_o
quote:

Then Loki, seeing that he could do nothing to help his fallen friend,

Nephew, too. This could be a good time to remind people of the dual connection, since Loki and Odin are brothers and this is Odin's son who has died.
quote:

This was how the Gods found him, leaning over Baldur's slain body, his hands and clothing stained with his blood, and a sprig of mistletoe lying between his feet.

Instead of a comma, how about a hyphen? (Which is - btw.) It's another way to distinguish a pause between segments of differing subjects in a sentence.
quote:

Now Loki was brought forth to Valhalla to face judgement,

Okay, this makes me question the title of the chapter (without having read beyond this point just yet). It can sound as if Loki is the one judging, not being judged. I'm not sure if 'judging' fits or helps the situation, either. =| The 'trial of' ?
quote:

However, nonetheless Hodur was called to testify before the Gods, and Loki's heart leapt.

Might want to ditch either 'However' or 'Nonetheless'. Both is overkill as they double up in purpose.
quote:

for as Hodur retold all the events that came to pass in the forest all the details were accurate so far.

You could even do without the 'so far', as the events in the forest were accurate. What came after the forest was not, so the following sentence also fits the situation. =]
quote:

"Then", the Blind God continued,

Comma goes on the other side of the speech marks.
quote:

Then Heimdall, Captain of the Guard, smiled,

Here would be another place you could use -- to separate the Captain of the Guard from the other parts of the sentence, to make it more of an aside within the sentence.
quote:

But Heimdall stood up in turn, and said with contempt

New speaker, new paragraph.
quote:

wading in a pool of Baldur's blood

One with a tendency for exaggeration, is he? XD
quote:

At this point Loki's conviction faltered and he knew he had been betrayed.

Again, new paragraph. Also, I thought it was previously mentioned that he didn't know about the prophecy, so his knowedge of it now hasn't been explained.
quote:

"Well, yes", the jester replied

Comma on the other side of the ".
quote:

I was only a mere coincidence..."

It?
quote:

Oh cursed half-breed,

Used in such a manner, "O" is quite acceptable and might fit your archaic tone more. But what you have is fine.
quote:

you scum!'

You started with a ", so should finish with one to remain consistent.
quote:

And upon saying this he slammed his hammer onto the table with a mighty clap of thunder, splitting it in two.

The hammer or the table was split in half? This sentence could be taken either way.
quote:

Nay, I say let us have more evidence before we come to a conclusion".

Full stop on the other side of the ".
quote:

and although Loki had tricked her many times in her youth and stolen apples from her garden, she still loved him as a child, and saw no faults with him.

Awww. =3
quote:

Alfar- an elf and his father a Jotun- a giant,

When using the hyphen method, they are used similarly to speech marks. They tend to open and close around a segment, unless the sentence terminates, in which case you don't need the closing marks. So in this case, Alfar--an elf--and his father a Jotun--a giant-- would be what you're after.
quote:

and he could vividly remember all the insults he suffered by the Gods during his childhood.

"insults from the Gods he suffered during..." flows better.
quote:

What conflict have you partook in that has not been aided by me, or some other God?

Partaken fits the tense.
quote:

You may act strong and self-assured, but in heart you are truly a coward.

"In your heart" or "at heart"?
quote:

have that mighty hammer that you hold so proudly at your side!

The repetition of "that" disrupts your flow. Perhaps "the mighty hammer you hold..." ?
quote:

and he crackled with delight.

Did you mean "cackled"?
quote:

Day by day you flaunt yourself upon any man who comes across your path,

Uh... perhaps you mean 'before any man'? X__x
quote:

How many men have shared your bed, I wonder?

Sock him one! ...Just sayin'...
quote:

Ten? Twenty? Fifty? The entire population of Asgard must have sired your progeny!"

Yep, that's it. Sock him!
quote:

Freya looked as if she were struck by an arrow, and Thor's face became pale.

Could probably drop the "she were".
quote:

A great susurrus followed

XD Had to look that word up. Nice!
quote:

It was not loud, but like a drop of water spreads ripples through an entire pond the command was obeyed.

'as' may be a better fit than 'like'. Also, a comma after pond.
quote:

You have insulted the honor of a woman,

And not just that. The insult extends further... it implies that the husband would consent to marry someone who behaves in that way, and thus offends his honour as well.
quote:

To see him, the one person he had admired and put all of his love and respect into condemn him was too much to bear.

Gets a little jumbled in there. How's something along the lines of "the one person to whom he had admired and bestowed all of his love and respect condemn him"?
quote:

For a moment conflicting emotions of anger and shame

Comma after moment.
quote:

"Burn", he shrieked.

An exclamation mark would suit there, considering he is making a bit of noise. Before the speech marks. He's a fiery little thing, isn't he? XD
quote:

caught ablaze and kindled in a dreadful display.

Might want to drop the "and kindled". It's a gentler descriptor, and dropping it would give the drama more impact. ;)
quote:

And Loki stood in the center of the maelstrom, and laughed maniacally

Manically, I believe. That sentence painted a pretty powerful scene--kudos!
quote:

A mighty gust of wind filled the hall and extinguished the fire into nothingness, and as soon as it was created,

If you use the word "soon" in there, the fire was put out immediately after it was created. As 'quickly as' or as 'speedily' as would be better alternatives, since I'm guessing you're comparing the speed of the summonings?
quote:

the fell blaze fell once again into the Void.

There's a repeat of the word 'fell' there. While it differs in meaning, it still causes a bump in flow. I'd suggest dropping the first use, as we already know it is a magical summoning of some kind.
quote:

for I still loved you, despite your wicked betrayal.

No need for a comma there.
quote:

Yet for calling fire down upon the Gods

Hm. Yeah, I think I could see how that could be taken the wrong way... =P
quote:

breaking the peace of the mead hall that we have all worked so hard to attain,

Taken as it's written, it sounds as if they have worked hard to attain the mead hall. If that's so, all good. If it was the peace that was hard, you may want to rework this sentence.
quote:

Then Loki was chained and taken away,

By whom?

CHAPTER 3
quote:

betray the one person who faithfully served the Aesir

'who had' fits the tense better.
quote:

and getting suitably awarded for all his guile and trickery.

Did you mean 'rewarded'?
quote:

the eight legged steed and sire of all horses in the world,

Sorry to be pedantic, but what about the initial female horses?
quote:

who led fire in his trail and could pass through the air as easily as he tread on the earth.

Are you sure he leads fire in his trail and doesn't leave it? 'trod' instead of 'tread'.
quote:

the excuse of staying behind the protect the city in times of need

"to protect"
quote:

when the Jotun were roaming abroad and coming all the more closer to Asgard's doorstep,

Could dock "more" without losing anything.
quote:

entered a camp of frost giants,

"the frost" would help people unfamiliar with the Jotun make the connection.
quote:

was known only to Frigga alone:

There's a doubling up here. I'd suggest dropping either "only" or "alone", based on which you think sounds better.
quote:

salmon and leaped in to the water.

'into'
quote:

But Heimdall would not be derived

'deprived'. Derived means something different.
quote:

and he quickly drew a net and ensnared the writhing God.

Perhaps 'threw'? You draw a blade, but I've never heard of anyone drawing a net (unless it was to draw it in closer to something/-one)
quote:

Then he drew his sword and pointed at Loki's throat, saying

Just for clarification, did he point with his hand or the sword? If hand, this is fine. If sword, you need an 'it' in there. Also, a comma after saying.
quote:

tower of black obsidian than sent a foreboding chill into the atmosphere.

"that" instead of "than"
quote:

When he awoke he was in a pitch dark cavern, with his arms hanging up in to the air and tied with

Perhaps "his arms bound above his head by (describe bindings)" ?
quote:

He inadvertently cried for assistance,

Are you sure "inadvertently" is a good descriptor, considering?
quote:

escape from were actually human entrails.

...Charming. =S
quote:

Suddenly, a voice penetrated into the air.

'into' serves no need and can be dropped.
quote:

This blow stuck Loki like a hammer,

"Struck"
quote:

A severed head rolled through the room, landing in Loki's feet.

"at" not "in". Also, you haven't described the person who is doing all this speaking and throwing of heads. Possibly intentional, but a little detail would be nice.
quote:

Loki stood there dumbfounded

Okay, a few sentences ago you said he "lay" there. I'd suggest changing that previous sentence to match the actual situation.
quote:

At this moment Heimdall stepped forward from the shadows,

Ah. Now we know who. But a little description back there would have been nice, too, even if it wasn't very specific.
quote:

the light illuminating his once handsome features now turned twisted and misshapen from the act of committing such an evil.

I'd suggest splitting this into 2 sentences. "Illuminating his face. His once-handsome features were now twisted... after having committed...." etc
quote:

Well, you'll have plenty of time to mourn the death of your son in your stay here,

"during" instead of "in" would fit better
quote:

and it spit foul venom in the air that was so corrosive it even burned through solid stone when it hit the floor.

Hm. This reads a bit jumbled. I'd suggest cutting out the "in the air" bit, as that's part of spitting anyway and distinguishes it from dribbling. =P And also the "that was", as it isn't needed, as well as the "even".
quote:

Then Heimdall walked over slowly to Loki, now utterly spent by his anger and restrained wrath,

perhaps "spent/exhausted from"?
quote:

and fixed the snake directly above his head.

Fixed it to what, exactly?
quote:

seeping down through muscle and to the very bone.

Considering its acidic nature, you could also use "eating" instead of seeping for a harsher effect and to emphasize the acid. Now, next thing: if it eats away at stone, why doesn't it dissolve bone? And if it does, why doesn't it go all the way through?
quote:

great beast, or a the rage of some primeval Thunder God

No need for the a.

CHAPTER 4
quote:

So Loki, imprisoned and abandoned by the very people who he had once loved, passed

Can drop the "who" to help the flow.
quote:

like a lioness avenges herself upon the hyenas that devoured her babies

"cubs" would assist you better in the analogy.
quote:

as the venom tore through his flesh

Again, considering its acidic nature, a descriptor more aligned to acid would serve you better than "tore". 'Burned', 'dissolved', 'ate through', you get the idea.
quote:

sad song.
But for Loki,

Need a gap between those paragraphs. ;]
quote:

He let loose a terrible, haunting, unrelenting cry into the night: the final remnants of his soul; all the grief, pain, agony, and love that represented his past life, disappearing into the mist.

Wow. Some pretty powerful imagery there.
quote:

liquid fire down unto him that turned his blood

Onto, not unto.
quote:

where every second is worse than the next,

This phrasing says that the pain diminishes over time. If that was not your intention, it needs rewording.
quote:

and cursed the Odin the Allfather,

Can drop the 'the' in front of Odin. He won't mind.

CHAPTER 6
quote:

No living being dwelt there, only the dark sorceress

Sort of need a ; instead of a comma. It's a fragmented sentence.
quote:

and rivers of molten lava surged

...Is it bad I thought "Minecraft"? XD;
quote:

where the very land itself twisted and raged against them.

All of this paragraph, very nice description and powerful imagery. You're good at that.
quote:

the black citadel of the Hel,

"the Hel" doesn't sound right. If referring to the person or the place, it doesn't need the "the".
quote:

Baldur, son of Odin and most beloved of the Aesir had fallen

Here would be a good place to use -- to make the "son of Odin and... Aesir" part an aside and distinguish it from the rest of the sentence.
quote:

appear all the more far off in the distance,

This was really confusing, sorry. If it appears to go further away, perhaps "appeared to retreat further into the distance as they approached" or something along those lines would help. If the other way, descriptors such as "drew ever closer" or "loomed" instead of drew...
quote:

upon a red land that seemed to be sucking out the life

No need for the "out".
quote:

The ghosts of men, women, and children past them by,

Passed, not past.


The research you've put into this really shows. ^^ Looking forward to your depiction of Ragnarok. It's bound to be interesting, judging by what I've read so far.




Master Merlin -> RE: The Betrayal of Loki Discussion Thread (1/21/2012 16:19:54)

quote:

Sorry for the lateness of this. It's not finished, but here's what there is so far. I hope any of it will be of use to you. =]


Thanks so much! I greatly appreciate it, if only for the fact that I can see for myself how many silly mistakes and errors I made during my writing. Sometimes reading over it a few dozen times still isn't enough to catch an improper use of a verb or a confusion of words, in addition to all of the misplaced commas and punctuation mistakes. Really, thanks!

quote:

Keeping in mind that I've had only a basic exposure to structured Norse mythology, do you really mean saplings?


That was a biology fail. I meant the buds that you usually get on the trees in the spring, but apparently they aren't referred to as "saplings" (they should be though! Saplings sound much nicer than "buds") I suppose I could rename it to "flowers" or "leaves", but that would kind of kill the poetic imagery of it. Perhaps if I take out "on the trees" and just refer to the newborn plants?

quote:

'Akin' probably isn't the word you're after. 'Accustomed' would be a better fit.


Akin in this situation means closely related to, much like the bond between brothers. I tend to like it a little bit more than accustomed.

quote:

You sure that's a herb? Careful of the terminology you use. ;)


Another biology mistake. I would fail the first Druid exam I take and be sacrificed on the altar at the next wicker festival (just kidding, Druids didn't sacrifice anyone... probably). But since herbs can technically refer to any plant that is used for cooking or medicine, and mistletoe does have some of those uses in teas, it may be correct.

quote:

'Lay' would be the correct tense for the word in this instance.
Definitely didn't see that one coming! Thought there might have been an accident during their contest, but no!


Interestingly enough I had "lay" there to begin with but my spellcheck told me it was wrong. It's nice to know that I can correct it. And you certainly didn't think that would be all to the story, did you? [:D]

quote:

Gross as it sounds, you may want to check out the way bloodsplatter works. (The following may be a bit disturbing.) When people are dead, apparently the blood in their body rushes to the lowest points, leaving one side pale and giving the other a mottled appearance (or so the First Aid teacher told us...). Not sure how long it takes for that to happen. Or if this is part of the legend, or if these guys go by different rules. O_o


Baldur has only been dead for a few minutes at the maximum, and this is why Loki is still able to restore some color into his expression. In some of my early works I was opposed to Gods having any blood at all, but I chose to include it here for a level of realism and dramatic impact.

quote:

Nephew, too. This could be a good time to remind people of the dual connection, since Loki and Odin are brothers and this is Odin's son who has died.


Actually, Loki and Odin are only blood brothers, and not related at all. Blood brothers means literally slicing open your hand and sealing it with another you are closely befriended to, making an intensely symbolic and personal gesture. Though Loki and Odin's relationship is more father-son oriented than anything, and he chooses to refer to him as "father" several times throughout the story.

quote:

Okay, this makes me question the title of the chapter (without having read beyond this point just yet). It can sound as if Loki is the one judging, not being judged. I'm not sure if 'judging' fits or helps the situation, either. =| The 'trial of' ?


I like The Trial of Loki. If you notice I was a little uncreative with the titles of my beginning chapters, an issue that is remedied later on. Still, it would kind of break the flow, and the concept of "Judgement" is one key to this work both now and later on in the story. I'll consider it though.

quote:

One with a tendency for exaggeration, is he? XD


Not only that, but the sprig of mistletoe was between Loki's feet, not in his hands. Heimdall is purposely trying to distance himself from the crime, using the guise of rumor and vague gossip to remove himself from blame. In reality he was actually right there and knows perfectly well that Loki wasn't the one to kill Baldur.

quote:

Again, new paragraph. Also, I thought it was previously mentioned that he didn't know about the prophecy, so his knowedge of it now hasn't been explained.


Well, he still doesn't know about the prophecy, but Heimdall's overt statements and Frigga's questioning make it clear that something is amiss.

quote:

Used in such a manner, "O" is quite acceptable and might fit your archaic tone more. But what you have is fine.


Hmm, I definitely like that. I've already used my fair share of fells and feys, yeas and nays, so why not an "O!" thrown in there? I draw the line at "What, ho!" or "I am slain!", though...

quote:

The hammer or the table was split in half? This sentence could be taken either way.


The table. I think most would assume that that would be the case, and besides, Thor's hammer is far too powerful to be split in half from breaking a table (since it already cleaves through giant skulls and whatnot).

quote:

Awww. =3


Yeah. Idun is really sweet, and probably one of the more down to earth female characters in Asgard. Freya gets drunk, brawls, and starts fights in crowded mead halls. The Valkyries have the strength to decimate an entire army, and ride golden chariots when not flying around and throwing spears at people. Even Frigga is skilled in the arts of magic and it is implied that Odin would not be as near as powerful as he is without her by his side. With such dynamic female characters, it is nice to finally have a gentle and kind motherly figure around.

quote:

Did you mean "cackled"?


I actually did mean that to begin with, but then decided that "crackled" fit rather well with his fire theme. Besides, it was sort of an inner emotion rather than directly laughing at Freya: he saves the crazed laughter until after he snaps and starts burning the hall down.

quote:

Sock him one! ...Just sayin'.


I'm considering the theory that Loki was actually in love with Freya before he married Sigyn and she rejected him, accounting for his uncharacteristic and hateful rebuttal of her. In fact, I may just make another story about it...

quote:

XD Had to look that word up. Nice!


Terry Pratchett. Tiffany Aching's favorite word. She read the entire dictionary, because no one ever told her that you weren't suppose to...

quote:

And not just that. The insult extends further... it implies that the husband would consent to marry someone who behaves in that way, and thus offends his honour as well.


Odin actually could care less about his own honor when a woman whom he loves as a daughter being insulted. He is a wise, benevolent, and almost naive character, incapable of truly understanding evil (based heavily on Manwe), and would be rather uninteresting if it were not for his imperfect leadership qualities and the ability to sacrifice himself for his beliefs, in addition to being able to bring down fierce judgement upon his enemies if provoked.

quote:

An exclamation mark would suit there, considering he is making a bit of noise. Before the speech marks. He's a fiery little thing, isn't he? XD


Oh yes. Wait until you see the final battle. This is just a foreshadowing of things to come, with a "Dumbledore versus the Inferi" feeling to it.

quote:

If you use the word "soon" in there, the fire was put out immediately after it was created. As 'quickly as' or as 'speedily' as would be better alternatives, since I'm guessing you're comparing the speed of the summonings?


Yep. "Quickly" will work just as well.

quote:

There's a repeat of the word 'fell' there. While it differs in meaning, it still causes a bump in flow. I'd suggest dropping the first use, as we already know it is a magical summoning of some kind.


A bit of punning/word play. Fell blaze fell... haha, get it? No, never mind.

quote:

By whom?


Explained in the next chapter to be Heimdall and a random mook guard.

quote:

Sorry to be pedantic, but what about the initial female horses?


Loki was Sleipnir's Mother.

Really. He shapeshifted into a mare and got impregnated by a stallion. That was how he obtained the "gift" of Sleipnir for Odin.

...I'm sorry.

quote:

Are you sure he leads fire in his trail and doesn't leave it? 'trod' instead of 'tread'.


Well obviously Sleipnir has gone to a school of pyromancy, which in addition to the fire powers he inherited from Loki enable him to communicate and direct waves of flame. [:D] No, that's a mistake.

quote:

Perhaps 'threw'? You draw a blade, but I've never heard of anyone drawing a net (unless it was to draw it in closer to something/-one)


You can draw a sword, you can draw a gun, why not a net? It was even used as a weapon paired with a trident during the gladiator fights.

quote:

Are you sure "inadvertently" is a good descriptor, considering?


This was a reference to people crying out for assistance in a jail cell when obviously someone put them in there to begin with and would likely not let them out if asked politely. Loki is obviously aware of this trope, but does it anyway out of instinct.

quote:

...Charming. =S


I don't make these things up. The Norse love their entrails: they used them for predicting the future, decorating around the house, eating alongside a dish of stewed lamb, and apparently tying people up to hellish rocks of death. You do not want to meet a Viking down a dark alleyway...

quote:

"at" not "in". Also, you haven't described the person who is doing all this speaking and throwing of heads. Possibly intentional, but a little detail would be nice.


I think it's pretty obvious that Heimdall is the one doing it, isn't it? Since it is already established that he was on the boat with Loki and imprisoned him in the Isle of Dread to begin with. Plus, it helps create a shadowy and mysterious tone to the situation.

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Okay, a few sentences ago you said he "lay" there. I'd suggest changing that previous sentence to match the actual situation.


He is only bound by the arms, so he presumably got up after regaining consciousness.

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Hm. This reads a bit jumbled. I'd suggest cutting out the "in the air" bit, as that's part of spitting anyway and distinguishes it from dribbling. =P And also the "that was", as it isn't needed, as well as the "even".


You should have seen the original sentence. You couldn't even tell what direction the venom was going, let alone how corrosive it was. But yeah, good idea.

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Fixed it to what, exactly?


A stone? In the original myths I believe it was a tree branch, but I doubt anything like that could grow in this wasteland. Perhaps Heimdall nailed it to the ceiling? It would fit his cruel and sadistic nature...

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Considering its acidic nature, you could also use "eating" instead of seeping for a harsher effect and to emphasize the acid. Now, next thing: if it eats away at stone, why doesn't it dissolve bone? And if it does, why doesn't it go all the way through?


Loki is an Aesir, so he has some special properties. As a Jotun his bones are already strong to begin with, and this quality is enhanced upon his ascension to Godhood. Now theoretically even this would not stop the enchanted venom from slowly dissolving though his bones, but in this case Loki's regenerative powers kick in and help prevent any lasting damage. Well, except to his face..

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This phrasing says that the pain diminishes over time. If that was not your intention, it needs rewording.


As mentioned before, Loki as a God of Fire has greatly enhanced regenerative powers and his flesh naturally heals itself over time. This actually works against him and makes his torment even more unbearable, with his flesh literally regrowing and being dissolved at the same time.

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Can drop the 'the' in front of Odin. He won't mind.


True. I don't think Odin needs an entire noun based off him. "The Allfather" will suffice.

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...Is it bad I thought "Minecraft"? XD;


Not at all. This scene was inspired by several iconic "lava maps" from many popular video games. In fact, I think "the sun was setting for the last time on a brief and mortal world" will tell you exactly which one I was thinking of...

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All of this paragraph, very nice description and powerful imagery. You're good at that.


Thanks. I wanted this to be a testament to Tyr and the Einherjar's great strength and endurance in crossing the fiery realm. Tyr has really gotten the short end of the stick as far as mythology is concerned (when people say God of War they usually mean Thor, not Tyr) and I sought to give him the treatment he deserves. This kind of makes me feel better about using a fire and brimstone setting instead of the traditional cold wasteland (the Norse, living in frozen and despicable conditions, would be confused as to why Hell is hot instead of cold (see Hagalaz' Runedance), though as you may guess I hate altering the original mythology even in minor ways. I'm still considering rewriting this scene as a frosty landscape in an alternative version to make it more historically accurate.

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This was really confusing, sorry. If it appears to go further away, perhaps "appeared to retreat further into the distance as they approached" or something along those lines would help. If the other way, descriptors such as "drew ever closer" or "loomed" instead of drew...

I noticed this confusing bit of text during my writing, but I didn't know how to fix it. It goes further away, and I want to create a sense of hopelessness as they are traveling across the dread land with no food or supplies. So in this case, the mystical citadel would only serve to demoralize them even further as they wander on. Sort of like a mirage, only in this case you are going into an even worse danger inside than what is on the outside. Hel is really not a nice place to be in, is it?

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The research you've put into this really shows. ^^ Looking forward to your depiction of Ragnarok. It's bound to be interesting, judging by what I've read so far.


I'm glad you enjoy the story! It really wasn't "research" (except in a few cases) on my part so much as reading about the Norse Myths for years and developing a personal relationship with them, which always helps storytelling much more than forcing yourself to learn about a particular culture. Definitely stick around for the final battle, it won't disappoint!




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