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Sir Nicholas -> RE: [Requesting Critique] The Charge of Eternity: Solus The Right (7/11/2012 22:10:40)
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Well, I quite like the title. Very catchy.
Now then, I can find few errors with this story - so I'll just try to give you the basic rundown.
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Solus. His name is Solus. Solus the Promise. (Shouldn't this be "The Promised"?) Solus the Ascendant. Solus the Keeper. (Just a thought, but maybe this would be better worded as - "He has many names: "The Promised", "The Ascendant", and "The Soul Keeper", among them.
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been (an) immemorably (Spelled immemorally) long time ago.
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The present Solus is a vampire, or rather a neo-vampire, that had pledged his unending loyalty and his undying soul to his fallen Master. (See what I did there? Shorten the sentence just a little, so as to make description more fluid. Easier for the reader to understand. Also, try to use commas a little less frequently.)
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His (don't need the word infamous here) name is spoken in the faintest whispers throughout Lore, for mere mention of it (No need for alone) invokes the corrupt (and) malign power he holds. In ages past, Solus laid waste to nations, shattered armies and slain men and women of great influence. He relishes the acknowledgement of his heinous deeds. (Very good, but you don't need the word 'quite'.)
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All of Lore fears him, (all but) one man, if that word still describes the malevolent Dage the Evil, the great Dark Lord of the Undead Legion. It is only right for Solus ( the Immortal) to be feared for he alone has the gift, the boon (and) the favor of his undying Master. He is fear incarnate, the walking death, (and is) the greatest agent of darkness. He is the sword (and) the will made manifest, (and) the most trusted servant of the Imprisoned One.
If you want to describe something out of character, I would suggest instead of a quote - use what I do, as-in, footnotes or author's notes. Use parentheses () at either the top or the bottom of the post.
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(that lined) the corridor saluted the moment he passed them (by) as he made his way to the Inner Sanctuary of the fortress.
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immediately upon his return, (for) the summons came from the Dark Lord himself.
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The Vampire was rarely given (the) honor of having an audience such as this with the Evil One, only once (every) thousand years or so.
[...] They both carried (crossed spears blocking the way forward. Try to make it easier for your viewer to understand by shortening this line)
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The two elites regarded Solus with eyes that burned like blue suns, (and) their ghostly forms flickering between (visible and transparent). After what seemed like an eternity, the Shadeguard uncrossed their spears and hit their breasts with their free arms (in salute), and unlocked the doorway.
Overall, I'd say you definitely have a flair for this. You have your grammar and spelling down, and you do well in your early description. However, I can see you're slightly lacking in the action sequences. Don't worry though - it's easily fixed. Just keep practicing and remember to try and expand upon your character's overall description (like their emotions, their expressions, the specifics, etc.) and try to shorten certain sentences - try to keep them bite-sized so the viewer will be able to follow along.
You do well to explain your background beforehand - as it gives the reader a heads-up with the plot. Try to keep that up.
Overall, I'd say your story is excellent. You have a clear gift for writing. I am impressed. Keep it up - [;)] - as I'm eager to see more.
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