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Master Samak -> RE: [Requesting Critique] Past Present (only first three sections) (12/21/2012 21:02:50)
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Hello, glaisaurus_x! Thank you for letting me try my hand at critiquing.
Please be aware that whatever I post is in no way meant to demean or offend you. My objective is to give an in-depth analysis of grammar and story content.
I acknowledge Muphry's Law, etc.
Prologue
1.quote:
The city of StoneFang was located far from most civilization, close to the Eastern Shores. My initial reaction is to tell you that "civilization" is not a plural noun in most circles. I would change it to "civilizations".
----Also, consider restructuring the sentence. For a beginning, it may be clearer to have a certain geographical fact (close to the Eastern Shore) before a general undefined one (far from most civilizations). It keeps the thought moving forward instead of jumping back a moment. Let me know if that makes sense.
2.quote:
It made up for its remote location by being more of a large fortress than a city. It had reason to be so heavily guarded as it was a very significant city, being home to the DragonLord Order. Observation: there are two sentence next to each other which begin the same way (with "It"). I would caution against this happening too often (unless of course it is done stylistically, which I don't believe is the case here) so as to prevent a redundancy in flow.
----Also, removing "of" keeps the message and perhaps strengthens it. The word "of" can be considered as "like", making a simile of a comparison to StoneFang rather than calling it a literal fortress. This depends on the author's choice, though, so there you are.
----Also, the verb "guarded" is misleading. The sentence gives the message that the city was guarding the DragonLord Order, not the other way around. This makes me wonder why it needs to be guarding the Order; what thing is threatening the Order so much it makes them flee to the protection of a city? See what I mean? Perhaps rewording the sentence for clarity and/or using "protected" or "defended".
----Also, the second "being" can be removed. The message is still given without it and its absence keeps the chance of being repetitive low.
3.quote:
Now, while usually a bustling city in its own right, today was especially eventful. There is subject confusion here. You have the sentence, "Now, today was especially eventful." A-okay sentence. However, you then add the descriptive/parenthetical clause, "while usually a bustling city...". Where'd the "city" come from? We were talking about the subject "today" in the main clause. Provided we're still talking about the city of StoneFang and not a new city called "today", maybe add something like this: "Now, while usually a bustling city in its own right, StoneFang today was especially eventful."
4.quote:
The people had gradually become unsatisfied with their King's policy on the war and eventually, with the King himself. Observation: there are several words (such as King and Kingdom) which are capitalized even when they are not referred to as proper nouns. This can be viewed as a stylistic choice and must therefore be kept consistent throughout the entire prose, or it should be properly adjusted. Let me know if you want me to expand on this.
----Also, the comma after the word "eventually" is either unnecessary or missing its pair. This depends on your writing choice. The sentence is fine without the comma. If you wish to keep it, though, there must be a comma before and after "eventually" because of its non-essential interjection into the train of thought. "...policy on the war and, eventually, with the King himself."
5.quote:
Rumor has it the former King of SwordHaven passed away unable to live with himself for the war. It might help to change "the" to "this". You introduce "SwordHaven" to the reader, but where does it fit in with the previous facts? Is it in the same kingdom as StoneFang? Is this the same King as the one in the previous sentence people were unhappy with? Having "this" might tie the facts closer together.
----Also, the death descriptors may be contradictory. When I see "passed away" I think of dying calmly and peacefully of natural causes, say of old age. When I see "unable to live with himself" I think of ending one's life before it was naturally expected, say of suicide. It may help to change the positive euphemism "passed away" to the more neutral "died". Think it over.
6.quote:
His son, Drahzn was crowned King in his place. The comma here is either unnecessary or missing its pair. This depends on if Drahzn is an only son or not.
If he is, then the name is a non-essential fact to the main sentence and there should be a comma before and after "Drahzn", to look like, "His son, Drahzn, was crowned King..." or "His (only) son, (whose name is) Drahzn, was crowned King...".
If he is not, then there should be no comma at all, to look like, "Hi son Drahzn was crowned King..." or "His son Drahzn (as opposed to his son Fred and his son George) was crowned King...".
7.quote:
Drahzn was incredibly different from his father. It might help to have Drahzn's full name here or somewhere close to here. When I read this area I didn't know exactly who Drahzn belonged to. I thought at first that he ordered the DragonLords to completely wipe out Drahzn's own armies. And what with "SwordHaven" being thrown into the list of names/places, I would just strongly recommend making it clearer to the ignorant readers who belongs to who and what belongs to what.
8.quote:
Having spent the last few years watching the war tear the old King apart, he held a great deal of malice in his heart for war in general. He could not simply allow his Kingdom to be overrun however, and so he made a drastic demand on the Order. Observation: the main ideas in these two sentences begin the same way (with "he").
----Also, having "in general" is redundant. Because "war" is not specified to any particular war and is, by this way, a general term, it is potentially stronger to have it without "in general". Think on it.
----Also, the comma after "however" is missing its pair. Because it is a qualifier put in the middle of a sentence, there must be a comma before and after "however".
9.quote:
He could not simply allow his Kingdom to be overrun however, and so he made a drastic demand on the Order. Drahzn had commanded them to completely wipe out the Southern Kingdom's armies. There is past tense confusion here. When I read these sentences I think that, okay, Drahzn just made a demand on the Order. He also had issued a currently ongoing command (doing so sometime before this new demand) to wipe out the Southern Kingdom's armies, but anyway this new demand is....??? Does that make sense? The past tenses should be the same, perhaps something like this: "...he made a drastic demand on the Order. Drahzn commanded them to completely wipe out...".
10.quote:
From there, his plan was to "start fresh" with a clean slate and one, unified, Kingdom. The comma may be unnecessary. It's difficult for me to say, so I'll just make notice of it.
11.quote:
He'd done his best to lead the Order in the direction he felt was "right" but such an important role caused a good deal of backlash. Observation: it is a stylistic choice to use contractions, innately more informal, within the narrative part of prose.
----Also, there may be a subject confusion between "lead" and "role". The word "lead" talks about action and choices made, whereas "role" talks about the noun and place of position. It might help to change "role" to "rule" or "leadership".
----Also, there may need to be a comma between "right" and "but", in order to separate two ideas in the sentence.
12.quote:
There were of course, other DragonLords who wanted that title as well as individuals who just didn't agree with his way of doing things. There needs to be a comma before "of course" to make two commas and indicate an interjected comment.
----Also, there may need to be a comma between "title" and "as well as" to separate the main clause from the subordinate clause.
13. quote:
Now, he'd been ordered by the King to kill an unimaginable amount of people, which obviously clashed with his morals. The comma may be unnecessary because of its necessity to the main clause.
----Also, consider adding "just" in the sentence. Having something like "Now he'd just been ordered..." might contribute more immediacy to the extra stress added against his leadership of the Order. Or it might not.
14.quote:
As he walked slowly through his castle, which served as the meeting place for the Order, he decided to take a seat. Consider adding more detail here. Summarizing this original sentence goes something like, "As he walked, he decided to sit." Where? How? There's not a lot of connections available to support the surrounding sentences. Maybe adding something like, "...he decided to find a quiet place in an empty hallway." This shows us that he needs privacy for some reason, which we later learn is to think things through.
15.quote:
He'd need to consider his words very carefully, or risk losing the support of the entire Order. The comma may or may not be necessary. If it's a dramatic pause you're after, the sentence can generate one itself.
16.quote:
The problem now was the war itself. The word "itself" may be redundant. We already have "now" as a focusing word, and there's nothing really related to the war to distract from just saying that the problem was the war.
17.quote:
He trusted him with his life, and if this man said he could stop the war, then he could. The comma here may be unnecessary. The sentence can generate its own pauses without actually needing one.
18.quote:
The problem was time. Observation: it is a stylistic choice to use bold as emphasis. Italics are more commonly used. I understand you have both methods used within this piece, but when first reading I was distracted by them. They took me out of it as if it was highlighted for correction or something. Just my first impression.
19.quote:
On a normal day, there would be Mages, DragonLords, and other people of significance rushing through this hall. I would remove this comma. This clears up the other ones and is essential enough to the main sentence without needing a comma.
20.quote:
There were Pillars lining the walls on both sides, supporting a ceiling at least forty feet up. I'd make "Pillars" lowercase. I know I already made a blanket comment on choosing a style and sticking with it, but unless these are famous pillars, like "Pillars of Time and Space", they should probably be lowercase.
21.quote:
It was effectively a three-dimensional mural lining the angled ceiling, and was known to overwhelm newcomers to the castle with its sheer beauty. The comma may be unnecessary. The two main clauses are structured in the same way enough that the conjunction "and" seems to be enough to connect them.
22.quote:
Despite seeing it every day, it was no less impressive than the day it was built to Valdur. Consider changing "to" to "for". When I think of "to" I think of direction and motion, not really fitting an fixed ceiling. The word "for" speaks more about possession, which fits more with the sentence saying it was built for Valdur to posses.
23.quote:
Once he had finished thinking he made his way towards the Coliseum. It might be better to reword this. The phrase "I finished thinking" is very foreign to me. You technically don't ever stop thinking. And besides that, it's a very literal mental comment. Perhaps something like, "Once he was ready..." might be smoother? Let me know what you think.
24.quote:
The room was magnificent, for it needed to be large enough to accommodate every DragonLord in the entire Order in case of an important decision. The adjectives are not synonymous but should be. The word "magnificent" talks about quality of something whereas "large" talks about quantity of something. Make sense? Try simply adding, "The room was magnificent and huge, for it needed to be large enough...".
----Also, it might help to be clearer at the end. Why does every single DragonLord have to be in the same room when an important decision has been made? Oh, it needs to be made still? See what I mean? Maybe having "cases" instead of "case" to imply unresolved situations needing to be discussed, or if not that then something like, "...the entire Order in case an important decision to vote on."
25.quote:
The High DragonLords had taken their places on several large pillars that circled the room while those lower in rank sat in various seats of the Coliseum. I'd recommend changing "pillars". The last time that word was used talked about a row of pillars holding up a carved ceiling in a hallway. This gives immediate imagery of High DragonLords wedged between the top of the pillar and the ceiling, very high up, frustrating to talk to. Maybe changing it to something like "podium" would help here and elsewhere in this part of the story.
26.quote:
The Order at this time, did not discriminate towards race. The comma here is either unnecessary or missing its pair. This depends on how 'meta' you wish to get. Commas before and after "at this time" would make a clear parenthetical comment to the reader. No commas would be just as fine and not make as direct a pause from the sentence.
27.quote:
The King's decreed for a 'sweep' as he calls it, of the Southern Kingdom, to completely remove all opposition. Because this is a non-essential comment/qualifier, there should be a comma before and after "as he calls it".
28.quote:
This honor is what prevents me from making this decision. Many innocent lives will be lost in the process. The "will" should be changed to "would". There is a tense issue here. Valdur just said that honor is preventing him from making the decision...however, in the next sentence we see that many lives will be lost in the process of wiping out the Southern Kingdom. That "will" makes it seem as though the events are still going to take place. I believe it should be changed to "would" to reflect the analysis of a theorized outcome if such a process were ever to occur.
29.quote:
We have fought bravely for his Majesty the King for many years, some of us our entire lives. There may need to be a "for" after the comma. This depends on how you want the dialogue to go exactly, but it would be clearer to have the "for" not implied.
30.quote:
I think you will all agree that the years of war tear down both us, and the kingdom itself. It might help to change "tear" to "has torn". It's the decision on present vs. past tense again. If you want to talk about how the past years, which have been filled with war, have taken a toll on the Order and the kingdom, then the stronger choice is with "has torn".
----Also, I would remove the comma. It is unnecessary because the sentence is addressing two objects (us and the kingdom) at the same time, so it doesn't need to have anything separating it (like a comma).
31.quote:
Most DragonLords were outraged that he'd defy the King and the ones that didn't were angrily arguing one another. I believe "didn't" should be changed to "weren't". You're comparing DragonLords who are outraged at Valdur with DragonLords who are not outraged at Valdur, yes? This would be expressed as DragonLords that were or weren't outraged. The word "didn't" doesn't have a room here. Make sense?
----Also, there may need to be a comma after "King" and before "and". This would be to separate the main idea about outraged ones, and then give an additional comment on the ones that weren't outraged.
----Also, there may be a word missing. It would make more sense to say that, "...the ones that weren't were angrily arguing with one another."
32.quote:
Zogg was one of the High DragonLords, and was atop one of the spires that circumvented the Coliseum. The comma may need to be removed. The two ideas in this sentence are taking about the same current thing, so having "and" is enough to connect them.
33.quote:
He was unique in being the only known Ulgathi (or as they're more commonly known, Orcs) DragonLord, and as Drahzn SlugWrath was much less racist than other Kings, Zogg was very loyal to him. Because we're just talking about one Ulgathi, it would make more sense to have the translation be singular, written as "Orc" instead.
34.quote:
Thinking this over, Valdur observed this "sweep" was out of character for the King. It might be better to use another word here. Having a character "observe" something in his thoughts is a very aloof, intellectual, out-of-character thing for most characters to do, unless they were stereotyped as an intellectual genius who used that kind of vocabulary. Does that make sense? It might be more fitting to say something like, "Thinking this over, Valdur had realized this "sweep" was out of character for the King." It's more human and less...perfect. You with me here? I'm sorry if I can't explain it well.
35.quote:
Drahzn had mainly utilized the DragonLords for defensive purposes, or to stop corrupt rulers in his own domain. I would remove the comma here. As it is, the comma is being used as an indication of additional explanation to the main idea, or "Drahzn used the DragonLords for defensive purposes, or in other words to stop corrupt rulers in his own domain." I don't think that's what you're trying to say. I think these two things are two separate functions the Order performed for the king. Removing the comma keeps these two ideas separate and makes it into a 2-item list, which is what we're after.
36.quote:
As Valdur drifted off, the situation appeared more and more bizarre.
At the same time, this left Valdur distant, receding into his own thoughts. You are basically repeating yourself here with "As Valdur drifted off" and "this left Valdur distant". This generally isn't a good thing, but it can be fixed very easily by adding something like "At the same time, this did leave Valdur distant..." because you're then acknowledging that you are repeating yourself for the emphasis that this gives Valdur time to think inwardly.
37.quote:
We can hardly simply ignore such a large conflict. There is nothing technically wrong here, but I just want to warn you. It's very difficult to put two adverbs one after the other(ending in -ly) and have the sentence sound smooth. With this sentence, I think it is okay, but other ones may be more of a challenge. Just my 2 cents. :)
38.quote:
She too, was a High DragonLord and was sitting on another one of the Pillars. I would remove the comma. It just shouldn't be there. If it's an emphasis you're after, then italics would be the way to go, but as it is, I think the sentence makes its own emphasis without any other form of punctuation there.
39.quote:
Saru had been in the Order even longer than Valdur, though she was far less savage than any of the other members. . Despite this, she was fiercely loyal to the king, as whatever SlugWrath had been alive in her day had apparently helped her people greatly. The message in the first sentence is confusing to me. It seems that the longer you're in the Order, the more savage you become (and that Saru is the exception to this rule). It might need to be rewritten a little to fix this.
----Also, there seems to be a stray period or full stop between the two sentences. :)
----Also, I note that you use "as" often as the means to explain more on a sentence. It would help to break this pattern by sometimes using words (depending on the sentence) such as "for", "because", "since", "due to", etc.
----Also, consider using "whichever" instead of "whatever" before "SlugWrath", which might help it sound like talking about a person in history.
40.quote:
Without her influence there would be far more casualties than now. I'm a little confused on your message here. Are you talking about the current state of the war, and that if she was not part of it (her "influence") then the number of deaths would be much greater? If so, then the tense should go further into a past-tense, to something like, "Without her influence there would have been far more casualties than there are now." Let me know if you're talking about something else.
41.quote:
Not the environment he wished to raise his newest son in, and he was sad to have raised his others in this one. The end of this sentence is a bit klunky and unconnected. It might help to add, "...he was sad to have raised his others in this one as is." This acknowledges the previous talk about the environment and connects the sentence a bit stronger.
42.quote:
However, Valdur noticed an advantage; the other High DragonLords had yet to decide, so he could still sway them to his cause. Consider using a colon(:) instead of a semicolon(;). The colon would work very well here to elaborate on a discovery/noticed advantage.
43.quote:
Unfortunately, the room was tense, so he would need to choose his words carefully. You're repeating an already known fact: the room is tense. Of course it is. You wrote about the arguing and chaos several times over before this sentence. It's kind of like stating the obvious, which doesn't flow well with readers searching for new information. It would help to say that, "The room was still tense, so he would need to choose his words carefully." Having "still" in the sentence gives the reader an update on an already known fact.
44.quote:
I can't very well just tell them "Oh, I have an ally who found a Mystical Anomaly that could end the war!" no, all that will do is bring mockery and disbelief. The word "no" is the start of a new sentence and should be capitalized.
45.quote:
How can I explain this to them in a believable fas- The punctuation used at the end of this sentence is a hyphen(-). You're writing to show that Valdur's thoughts are interrupted. In order to show this you would use an em dash(—). It's very common to see people using one hyphen or even two(--), but the correct form is with a dash.
46.quote:
"We've been allies for many years my brother, but what you speak of...is heresy. There should be an additional comma, placed before "my brother". This is to show that the speaker is pausing a moment from his idea to state the "name" of the other person.
47.quote:
His mind began to drift back to those days, when he'd first met Valdur and his brother during their odd training...but he quickly snapped out of it, his expression growing fierce before coming to an incredibly rash decision. The word "coming" should be changed to "he came". You might be wanting to mirror the "...his expression growing fierce", the -ing part of it, but that would be out of place. His expression is not coming to a rash decision, he is. It should therefore be written as the person himself making this action.
48.quote:
Valdur, being a Giant was an incredibly large man, standing a full ten feet tall. There needs to be a comma after "being a Giant" because this set of words is a non-essential comment to the sentence, and so must be set aside as such.
49.quote:
If anyone could defeat Valdur in hand to hand combat, it would be Zogg. The dictionaries I referenced have this written as "hand-to-hand combat", with hyphens connecting the first words.
50.quote:
Though it should be noted Zogg was not lacking the Magic department either. Removing "Though" and having "It" as the start of the sentence would change this from a sentence fragment into a full sentence. Having said that, I do realize that this is seen as a style choice, so it's really up to you. Let me know if I need to explain more on this.
51.quote:
Sad, this is not the Order we once were. There is a subject confusion here with "this is" and "we/were".
If you use "this is" then the result should be "Sad, this is not the Order it once was."
If you use "we are" then the result would be, "Sad, we are not the Order we once were."
52.quote:
Very well brother, I accept your challenge There should be a comma before and after "brother" because it is a name in the middle of a sentence.
53.quote:
Valdur had grown visibly upset by this point, but his allies were far too loyal. The ending of this sentence is too vague for me to follow the first time I read this, too much of a guess/jump for the reader to make. It might help to add something like, "...but his allies were far too loyal to the King to change their mind now." Does this make sense?
54.quote:
However, as they turned to leave for a more suitable battleground they found something that no-one had expected. I would remove "However". This sentence is giving the reader a new direction of narration, so there isn't really any previous information to contradict or comment on this sentence with. I hope that's clear. Let me know if it isn't. If you must keep the word here, consider putting it in the middle, not the beginning, say at, "As they turned to leave for a more suitable battleground, however, they found...".
----Also, I would strongly recommend changing "something" to "someone". As the next sentence indicates, it is a Guardian the Order will find. A person, a someone, not a thing, so changing it would help flow into the next sentence's message.
55.quote:
I could've used your assistance a mere five minutes earlier." Valdur said as he let out a slight laugh. The period should be a comma. Because the dialogue is connected with the rest of the sentence by "Valdur said" there needs to be a comma connecting them.
56.quote:
"Oh well, you know...research such as this, I needed to verify it a bit more I'm sorry. This "I'm sorry" seems to be a separate sentence, so there should be a period after "a bit more". If you're trying to connect it as one full sentence, then the period I suggested would be a comma instead.
57.quote:
"What's he going on about Valdur? And most importantly why is he interrupting an official meeting of the Order?!?" Zogg snapped, as he was wont to do. There should be a comma before "Valdur" to separate his name.
----Also, there should be a comma after "most importantly". It is debatable to have another comma before "most importantly" too, but that is the author's choice.
58.quote:
I was wary of telling you all, as I was unsure you would be so willing to believe...well, I'll let Deidelus explain for himself" You're missing a period at the end of this sentence. :)
59.quote:
Now normally this would just provide a man with wild dreams and-" Consider a comma after "Now".
----Also, change the interruption from a hyphen to a dash. :)
60.quote:
Zogg was obviously becoming angered at the strangers nonchalant attitude. The word "strangers" should get an apostrophe to make it possessive. "stranger's"
61.quote:
"Nay my green-skinned DragonRider, my texts all indicated the same bizarre occurrence. There also should be a comma before "my green-skinned DragonRider", to separate the "name" mentioned.
62.quote:
The subject of the documents has been revealed to be located here oddly. There needs to be a comma before "oddly" because it is a non-essential comment to the sentence.
63.quote:
These words echoed through Wei's head, they were the last things he'd heard Deidelus say before he ran for his life. This comma is what is known as a comma splice. It is when two complete sentences are trying to be in only one sentence. A run-on sentence is similar name for this. To solve this: use a semicolon instead of a comma. Or, separate them as two individual sentences. Or, add "...words echoes through Wei's head, and they were the last...". Make sense?
64.quote:
Wei was Valdur's oldest son, and was present at the "unearthing." I'd remove the comma because the two ideas are separated enough with just "and".
65.quote:
Or something like that, he didn't know the details. Potential comma splice/sentence fragment.
66.quote:
Zairo began to cry slightly. There is nothing wrong here, but I want to advise you on something. Try to be careful with how often adverbs are used. It's very common to use the -ly words many times in a story where their absence might be the stronger choice. Take here, for example. What exactly does it mean to cry "slightly"? Usually crying is not as controlled to allow only a slight session of crying. It seems more "human" for a young boy to just outright cry instead having the control to cry slightly. Do you follow me? Just something to think on. It's a balancing act.
67.quote:
"It's alright Z! The name "Z" should have a comma before it.
68.quote:
Zairo, and according to rumor, another boy, were to be sent around the world to train. I suggest switching "Zairo, and" to "Zairo and,". This makes more sense when we remove the parenthetical comment "according to rumor". In the original sentence, then, it changes to, "Zairo, another boy, were to be went around the world to train." That doesn't make sense, so it must be "Zairo and, according to rumor, another boy were to be sent around the world to train."
----Also, the comma after "another boy" should be removed. It doesn't serve a purpose here. Let me know if I should explain further.
69.quote:
Wei could tell that wasn't all there was to it though. There should be a comma before "though" because that word is extra to the main sentence. Non-essential.
70.quote:
Zairo always had one difference from his three older brothers, both he and Valdur had white hair. The comma would work better as a colon, to elaborate on the difference mentioned.
71.quote:
He sadly handed his brother over, who was ready to start crying. You already written that Zairo was crying before, so here it would be better to add, "...who was ready to start crying again."
72.quote:
He then turned back towards what was left of the city and headed back. Having two "back"s in the same sentence makes it a little repetitive. Consider rewriting one of them.
73.quote:
Meanwhile Valdur and his two remaining sons were hard at work trying to save what was left of the city. There should be a comma after "Meanwhile" to connect the adverb to the main sentence.
74.quote:
Valdur had been gravely injured in the blast, greatly demoralizing the populace, for he often rumored to have "godlike powers" and if a god can be harmed, what hope did they have? There may be a word missing here. I would recommend adding, "he was often rumored".
----Also, I'd remove the last comma. I understand it acts as a dramatic pause, but the sentence will still make one with the wording.
75.quote:
Back in the city Valdur tried in vain to stop the disaster that had struck StoneFang. There should be a comma after "Back in the city" in order to show a shift of location, as well as to prevent repetition between "the city" and "StoneFang".
76.quote:
What horror did we unearth Deidelus... He thought as he continued to put out all the fires he could while Zogg and the others evacuated the city. There should be a comma before "Deidelus" to indicate the mention of a name.
----Also, the "He" should be a lowercase "he". This is to connect the thought dialogue with the rest of the sentence.
77.quote:
The flames seemed unearthly as traditional fire would've left at a mere thought (as were the odd nature of his powers). There should be a comma after "unearthly". This separates the main sentence with the add-on explanation of the main sentence.
----Also, because you've already used "as" in this sentence, consider changing the second one to "such" or something similar.
78.quote:
Zogg was making efforts to evacuate the civilian population through use of the Dragons who were more than willing to carry the bulk of the population. There needs to be a comma after "Dragons". This is to show that all Dragons were willing to carry the population out. Without the comma, the sentence reads that Zogg used only a section of Dragons, the ones who were more than willing to help. Let me know if that makes sense.
79.quote:
Even so the casualties were constantly increasing. There should be a comma after "Even so", to separate the non-essential qualifier from the main idea.
80.quote:
The worst part is those consumed by the ethereal fire seemed to vanish rather than die, as if the "fire" was cutting off the connection between Saru and life. The "is" should be "was". This keeps the consitency of using the past-tense in this story.
----Also, consider adding "that" in this way: "The worst part was that those consumed by the ethereal fire...". Having it here helps the flow of the sentence. Without it, there's a sort of jerky pause or jump that would almost make me want to have a comma placed there. I don't really want that, so "that" might be better here and in a few other sentences where it is "implied". Let me know if I should explain more.
81.quote:
However, he did not even have time to try and evacuate when everything around him began to distort. Consider changing "evacuate". This word has been given to the civilian population, who are helpless to do anything else. Valdur is not; he is working on saving the city. Perhaps when he decides he cannot save the city he should be trying to "escape" the ever-growing flames instead.
----Also, it might be better to remove "try and". The sentence still makes strong sense without it. The phrase "try and <verb>" is more a colloquialism, found more in conversational dialogue rather than more formal narration. At the very least, the phase "try to <verb>" would fit a little better here.
82.quote:
His sight, his mind, and even the space surrounding him were no longer as they should be. The word plural "were/they" should be the singular "was/it". This is because you are writing about three singular things, separated by commas. You could even write out each thing as a complete sentence: "His sight was no longer as it should be. His mind was no longer as it should be. Even the space surrounding him was no longer as it should be." Do you see what I mean? This is a handy tip to see if you should be using singular or plural verbs in the sentence. "His sight, his mind, and even the space surrounding him was no longer as it should be."
83.quote:
Suddenly...something happened, Valdur triggered something. This sentence is a comma splice, with two sentences mashed into one sentence. To fix this, change the comma into a semicolon, a colon, or even a dash, or make them two separate sentences. I recommend the dash or colon.
84.quote:
Wei had finally made it near the city, when to his horror, he saw something reach out from the center of it. Consider changing "near" to "back to". This helps remind the reader more clearly of the character Wei, who, when last we saw him, was heading back to the city.
----Also, remove the first comma. The (simplified) sentence "Wei made it to the city when he saw something." makes more sense than "Wei made it to the city, when he saw something." There shouldn't be a pause here because the second part of this sentence (separated by this original comma) is necessary to make this an actual complete sentence.
----Also, either remove the comma after "to his horror" or add its pair right before it. The sentence is fine without the comma, but if you want it there then there has to be two, one on either side of "to his horror" in order to show that this is a non-essential comment on Wei's emotion.
85.quote:
The city's fires began to die down at the same time, as if their existence depended on whatever Horror had reached from the depths. Consider modifying "reached" to "reached out" or "reached up". It is more specific a direction for the reader to work with.
86.quote:
The Healers were simply not powerful enough to stop the effects of whatever had harmed him.
And so Wei met with his brothers, and recounted to them "little Z's" departure, and they wept. There may need to be an extra line of space between these two sentences, in order to keep with the format of the narrative up to now.
----Also, consider removing the first comma. Doing so would make Wei's meeting and then recounting to his brothers more immediate.
87.quote:
Instead he asked the strange child his name, and whether he'd like to play, among other things. I would remove the first comma. Because the last part of the sentence talks about all the other things he asked the strange child, it would help to have only one full "example" of the things he asked the child, instead of two segmented ones. This keeps the sentence structure smooth, if you follow me.
88.quote:
The two boys had become friends, or "brothers" as Vendagar said, stating it was what they said in his hometown. The wording of this sentence confuses me, so it might be best to state who "they" are. Is it the Elves? Did the Elves tell Vendagar (while they were in Vendagar's hometown) that Zairo and Vendagar had become friends, and now Vendagar is telling Zairo this? It's a tricky sentence to understand, so perhaps looking more into this would be best.
89.quote:
For now, the plan was for Zairo and Vendagar were to be taken to a family in the farmlands of WillowShire. The word "were" should be removed. It might be a leftover from a previous version of this sentence, because you already have the message, "...the plan was for Zairo and Vendagar to be taken to a family...", so having "were" in there just messes things up. :)
90.quote:
Here they would be taught the basics of fighting with the Knights sent to guard it, and then move to the next destination. The beginning word "Here" should be changed to "There". This is because we haven't arrived at Riverine Keep yet, we're only talking about the plan regarding it. We're essentially pointing it out in the distance, over "There".
----Also, change "it" to "them". If you're talking about Knights who were sent to guard the Keep, it is basically a given already that that is their purpose. Having the Knights guard "them" (Zairo and Vendagar) makes more sense to the plan about the two boys.
----Also, remove "and". Sometimes commas are used to stand in place of "and". For example, "I took a walk and then went to sleep." changes to "I took a walk, then went to sleep." This sentence has such a comma here, so either remove "and" or remove the comma. Both cannot exist here correctly.
----Also, consider changing "destination" to "Keep" (unless that isn't where the boys will continue to travel to). The end of the sentence is too vague to belong to a list of plans for the two boys, so specify where they will move to.
91.quote:
The most important factor however, was that the locations were remote. Place a comma before "however", so as to show a comment inserted in the middle of the main sentence.
92.quote:
With Drahzn's recent actions, no-one would test whether or not he'd execute the boys after Valdur's disobedience. Consider changing "test" to "risk". This verb gives more drama to the sentence. If not, then try "...no-one would dare test whether or not...". Do you get what I'm aiming for?
Critiquing Complete!
Well, very well done, glaisaurus_x. I think it's a very good start of a backstory for DF characters.
I do hope you can apply these critiques to the rest of your chapters. There are many online guides about punctuation, specifically comma use. It wouldn't hurt to brush up on them.
And yes, detail! :D I think there are areas that are good, but there are indeed other places where you could add so much more. It is much better to be told that you have too much detail rather than not enough. You only have your words to paint the story for the reader, so get creative! Use the five senses, and avoid using certain words more than once. Did he just "think", or did he wrack his brain, calmly reflect, sift through thoughts, or anything else? There's potential to instill narration in these things, extra layers of updates we can get on the condition of characters' ever-changing emotions.
One specific example, could you elaborate more on the "strangeness" that happened to the city before Valdur's "death". I know the characters aren't able to comprehend it, but that still doesn't mean their eyes didn't see something or their ears didn't pick something up.
Another thing: consider using less "comments" during the narration. Examples like these are "however, nevertheless, obviously, though". Some of these are fine, and in fact could be necessary for a particular sentence to make sense, but sometimes it is more dramatic and moves the story more intensely to just state what happens next. It can interrupt the mood or make the story more emotionless if there are calculated statements interjected in the midst of sentences. Does this make sense?
All in all, I had a great time working through this. I wanted to go sentence-by-sentence for a really in-depth critique to show you patterns of areas that can be edited also in your following chapters, so please don't be mad that the list is so long and repetitive sometimes. And PLEASE, respond back with any questions you need me to answer or numbers I can elaborate on. Thank you! :D
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