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Mordred -> RE: Commentary - [AQ/DF] The Blood Legacy (10/1/2012 23:45:34)
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Managed to read this, with some degree of difficulty. Most derived from the most-outstanding issue; how you handle dialogue. I have no idea who's speaking to who or why at several points. This is worsened when it seems you also get mistaken as to who's speaking, and will mix up names. Clean up this, and the readability will dramatically increase.
Also of issue are action scenes. They just aren't fluid, and I'm often left wondering what happened. This can be a good thing when made unclear intentionally, but when I'm having a hard time following everything, something's off. The lack of description behind many action leaves my mind with gaps between Action A and Result A. I see the start of Action A, and then Result A without knowing how I reached the result.
Something I will be really critical of is Alaric's teasing Azrael for kissing Safiria. It makes no sense, given his character. He's meant to be a Sue of a warlord, meting out death and destruction for thousands of years. But his cousin making out with a chick reduces him to the maturity of a twelve-year-old? I don't buy it. If he's meant to be that mature, he should be that way all the time. There's far too much incongruity there, and short of having two personalities, can't be explained away.
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