Archmopecake -> RE: =AQ= Truphma Camps Chronicles commentary (3/11/2013 20:31:33)
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@Trainz, I haven't read your other story since there's a lot there and I think I'll go back to those stories in a month or two whenever I want to revisit the war, so I was quite interested to read this one. Really great, I can see what everyone was talking about :] I noticed this paragraph was one my inner editor had something to say about: An intricate two-tiered fountain was laid before them, its variegated stonework giving it an aura of refinement. In the middle of the fountain stood a sculpture of two intertwining fishes, their scales wrought masterly. Both of their open mouths spouted a stream of pristine water, which poured into the pool, creating unending ripples. At the base of the pool were coins, each carrying a silent wish. The first sentence seems somewhat stretched, what I'm coming up with is something like: An intricate two-tiered fountain lay before them, its variegated stonework giving it an aura of refinement. I might pick beautiful over intricate to more strongly set up its significance and its image seems to come easier to the mind with beautiful to me. I feel like ironing out Both of their open mouths spouted a stream of pristine water, which poured into the pool, creating unending ripples. a little bit but I'm not sure how. Possibly just dropping the first comma or maybe starting with Unending ripples lapped away from the twin streams of pristine water that flowed into the pool from their open mouths. I like the silent wishes with the coins image a lot. I think a more specific image about the coins might be smoother than "were coins," but I think as it is sets up space for "each carrying a silent wish" so I don't know really. I really started to inhabit the environment in places which was amazing, much enjoyed :D Hopefully I can find the time/interest to read all the stories :P
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