RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (Full Version)

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tommy2468 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 14:21:08)

Okay guys I've posted my next chapter. It's not as long as the last one but it's still pretty lengthy.

http://forums2.battleon.com/f/fb.asp?m=21353946

Once again this chapter will be THE most OP chapter evar! (or until I get a new chapter out :P )

(I've got internet at my friend's house now so feel free to comment away about it)




hict98 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 14:24:39)

@ss2195 Well so far with chapter 10 I love the Gurren Laggan reference. Or however you spell that. I think the only thing that could make it better is if your "tin can" was the size of a galaxy. Oh and is Morhisson's shield like Neji's byakugan in where it is a near 360 degree defense except for one blind spot? Now for Vayyder changing sides in the end? Really could it get anymore cliched than that? I like the last name you gave him though.
Next up chapter 11.
Well it was filler, but at least you filled the filler with humor. You also explained some important stuff that I would have missed otherwise so all in all nice chapter. My favorite part btw
quote:

Madara, who now seemed to have recovered fully, spoke with a grin etched on his face “Their arrogance still surprises me; they think a thousand Truphma can take out what fifteen Paxians?”

Oh and I agree with 0Neo. that doesn't really count. I'm curious to see what you have planned, but first I have to get caught up.
@Tommy I'm sure they will be plenty OP. Honestly most characters are, but they aren't as obvious about it like mine. Oh and I will read your chapter right after I'm done with Seth's other three. It may be a while.
@0Neo Well I'm glad you haven't been making the other characters too OP'd at least. And even for Muchiha, he still lose his rational thinking and risks the chance of killing an ally. I'm really excited to see what you have in store for me as well.

Guys I just want to thank you for making me an important character in your story. I'm looking forward to what you have in store for him.




darksaber22 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 14:48:10)

@wow tommy that was epic and i loved the way you described Adrian's darkness powers and him and hikari really make a good team :) but anyway tommy i really loved this chapter sp you get top marks




hict98 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 15:14:06)

@ss2195 And now for your final chapter.
First I saw a typo that really bugged me.
quote:

“Nothing dad, it’s just something weird happened to me today during my training” the young Seth whined.
“What is it? Was you’re magic to powerful for the other kids to handle?” Lucian asked, a small smile etched on his face.
“No, something else, I had a sudden rush of mana, and I accidently set the academy on fire” Xage sniffed.


Here you were talking about Xage's past and wrote Seth by accident I believe. Later on you wrote Xage though. Either that or the line after it is a typo where it says Xage. As for your final chapter, I loved it. This was truly the best chapter yet. The way you balanced both comedy and action in this was just perfect. Nice job man.

Now for Tommy's story. coming soon




tommy2468 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 15:32:57)

Thanks darksaber, I'm glad you liked it. The battle is going to be continuing on in the next portion so Hict will be having a great battle scene. Plus Kilvakar will be making his grand entrance :P




hict98 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 15:58:36)

@Tommy excellent chapter. You really are an amazing writer when it comes to story or action. Also yes I agree with you that Adrian and Hikari Yume were OP'd, but they suffered the consequences of near death for it. I, however plan to have Hict fight endlessly and not even grow weary. Fortunately for the story and unfortunately for my character his opponent will be the same. I'm excited for the next chapter now though with my character and Kilvakar's character coming in.




0Neo -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 16:04:38)

@tommy2468 you were right about your warning, such fight was OPed as hell! Yet it was highly entertaining and so full of detail I could see the power of the wizards destroy the Truphma but hey!....Why does Adrian gets the power of his majesty?! 0Neo wants awesome power too TT-TT (just kidding, he'll get them after all *evil smirk* ) an amazing chapter with some emotion to it that was unexpected but highly awaited (this further increases my success on getting Hikari's personality right and a little personal triumph regarding another matter).

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for OP as well....all of the characters I create are planetary-invasion category! (meaning that just 5 of them could take on a whole army or raid a planet) but I balance it out the same way LB balances classes in the game.....you want a bunch of skills and almighty power? Earn it. All of my characters go through a lot to achieve their true answers and reach their full power.

I'm working on my seventh chapter. Hope you guys like cliffhangers




hict98 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 16:28:24)

@0Neo Based on my chapters and how I react to the end of others chapters how do you think I feel about cliff hangers.




battlemaster25 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 21:36:58)

Chapter VIII: The Final Battle Part II has just been posted.




0Neo -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/3/2013 21:55:41)

@battlemaster25 that was a good fighting scene and I gasped when the super Truphma attacked Kierra, she's my favorite character in your story so she can't die :O Overall a good chapter




hict98 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/4/2013 0:41:48)

@Battlemaster Well I'm curious, what is this "curious vocabulary" mine? I demand to know now or I will get the flibbity knockers on your hound. Back to your story though. That was an excellent fight scene. Well they both were. Honestly I love it when the main character gains immense power due to losing a loved one and Kierra's ability to just completely obliterate anything on the battlefield is amazing. I really hope you don't kill them off though. I mean if you killed other characters off, then I would be okay with that. Just please though don't kill those two. That's like killing all of the main characters. Not even I would have done that.




battlemaster25 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/4/2013 0:50:38)

Erm, it's not your vocabulary that is "curious", although I can see how the line is a bit ambiguous.

"Hict was lecturing Wyrm about his.... curious vocabulary"

It's Wyrm's vocabulary that is "curious". I think you know exactly why, too, with a certain catchphrase of his.....

However, I'll edit the line a bit for the sake of clarity.




hict98 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/4/2013 0:56:15)

Ah now that makes much more sense now and in the story it's clearly understandable now.




Seth Hydra -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/4/2013 1:03:14)

quote:



@ss2195 And now for your final chapter.
First I saw a typo that really bugged me.
quote:

quote:

“Nothing dad, it’s just something weird happened to me today during my training” the young Seth whined.
“What is it? Was you’re magic to powerful for the other kids to handle?” Lucian asked, a small smile etched on his face.
“No, something else, I had a sudden rush of mana, and I accidently set the academy on fire” Xage sniffed.



Actually, its Seth's recollection. He was when young, a Mage but however after a certain incident abandoned allmost all his abilities in magic




hict98 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/4/2013 1:11:48)

And now I have a little more insight into the character of Seth. He burned down his school as a child and after that refused to ever use it again. Makes sense to me. Oh and I just wanted to tell ya'll I'm going to do one more chapter before the war.




kors -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/4/2013 19:52:28)

I am opening one last space for another character, for one more Nocturu member. If anyone that qualifies wants to be in my story, pm me please with a few details about your character. You will not show up in the next Part I will put up, but the one after that.




tommy2468 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/5/2013 19:21:39)

Okay guys I'm posting another chapter and I'm going to need you guys to PM me depending on your thoughts at the end of the chapter.

You will have to make a choice which will affect the story.

This will be similar to Hict's murder spree (but on a lesser scale but perhaps it is also more sinister)


:P




0Neo -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/5/2013 19:35:20)

Almost done with my seventh chapter. Will post it up soon.




tommy2468 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/5/2013 19:57:24)

For some reason every time I go to edit my war story it won't let me :L




0Neo -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/5/2013 20:42:01)

I tried to post mine but the thing froze.....I might have lost everything I just wrote O_O

EDIT: I did lost it all....NOO! TT-TT

EDIT 2: Try to edit a comment and click preview....it brakes O_O

EDIT 3: Sorry guys....I have to write the last parts again TTnTT I'll post in two days (might be tomorrow but I don't want to sound too optimistic)




kors -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/6/2013 0:02:40)

Just updated my story!(saying my usual phrase for this would be just clunky with the long title I have for this one... For this Part I will be giving each character exactly one part in my story, only one time being the centerpiece(The only exception will be Seth Hydra's parts, since he and Akihiko have done very little and he is the only perspective for Igneus). Despite my desires to keep it small it managed to take up over 6 pages with the format you see on the forums. The next ones will not be quite so long however. The next "Fragment" will be titled A Song, and focus on Glacius with another part of Seth's plot. I know Tommy will get the pun right away but for everyone else, well guess![:D]




hict98 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/6/2013 1:19:48)

@tommy That sounds like fun. Oh and I just realized two one things.
1. You wrote Chapter Eight: Beasts and Battle Brilliance
2. I don't think I ever read your actual chapter 8
Well now the review for chapter 8. First of all, chapter nine makes so much more sense. Second, I am so happy to have a chapter that is focused on my character!![:D] Finally, this was a great chapter and you just portrayed Hict perfectly. I mean from the way he views his immortality to how he feels about his friends. The only part that I would change is that when Hikari actually showed some genuine care for Adrian, I don't really think Hict would cry out of happiness, but would instead would show him some new found respect. Besides that though this was a really nice chapter and you did amazing with my character.
@Kor First correction(s)
quote:

The damage he had taken u have been more than enough to kill most mortals, pieces of metal pierced his armor in many places, burns and cuts covered everywhere else.

I don't know what the "u" is there for, but the "have" should either change to had or put "should" before "have". It is your choice.
quote:

I know Hict'll be ____ but Madara did not seem in very good shape,

You forgot to say what Hict will be.

As for the story itself, it was pretty good. You had a lot of build up and really surprised me with Muchiha coming back to life. It actually made me laugh a little too with how he is immortal. I mean never being able to die because death doesn't like you is just awesome! I just can't wait for the next chapter now with all the build up you had in this one.




tommy2468 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/6/2013 7:09:04)

@kors A Song Of Fire And Ice XD Love it [:D] Now onto the review:

Not sure if I should begin with spellings mistakes (because I become very annoying :L) but I'll just post the ones I found anyway:

Second Paragraph, second line:
quote:

It was an unusually thick plum slowly drifting towards the distant stars, most of the villages rarely held a bonfire in times war was imminent

Should be "plume" and "the villagers rarely held a bonfire in times when/ if war was imminent"

quote:

Hict shrugged off the large piece of metal

quote:

he sluggishly crawls away from the blaze

I'm positive that this will not really mean anything to anyone else but you seem to go back and forth between the present and the past tense here.
It should either be "shrugged" and "crawled", or "shrugs" and "crawls"
It's not really an issue when it comes to your writing because you have very good and consistent writing. I don't recall having seen this sort of tense mash up previously so I presume it was just a momentary thing.
If you are to write in the past tense (as I do) then everything has already happened and you are simply recalling the story in a way. But if you choose to write in the present then everything becomes a little more chaotic as it becomes more difficult to guess what will occur. But I think writing in the present is much easier when you are writing in a first person perspective:
"I sluggishly, but surely, crawl away from the fire.", "I shrug off the the large piece of metal"
But seeing as you have so many characters and you have already been telling your story in a 3rd person perspective it would not benefit your story to change now.
Once again what you have done does nothing to hinder your story (I DID say I would become annoying :P)

quote:

The slightest movement from where Madara was laying told the immortal why everyone tried to keep Strom back

"Storm"

quote:

I know Hict'll be but Madara did not seem in very good shape

"I know Hict'll be okay/ fine?"

quote:

The numbers of monsters was still well above what would allow for a chance at victory

"were"

quote:

Clan Aerodu, this Salem speaking

"this is Salem speaking" Unless Salem was nervous about speaking to the whole Clan. In which case his nervousness would probably make him skip a few words :P

quote:

Those you joining me

"Those of you joining me" Again, same as above.

quote:

but no I know that the Reaper refuses to let me anywhere near his realm

"now"

quote:

managed to keep up well enough to avoid have the hand at the top of his robes pulling them to tight around his neck

"having" and "too"

quote:

Salems voice came over the intercom

"Salem's"

quote:

A dozen Clansmen in the medical bay instantly jumped at the chance for glory that Salem offered.

"the glory"

quote:

A perfect calvary for the eternally bright Clan of Lucian

It should be "cavalry" but cavalry only applies to warriors on horseback (but can probably be stretched to Koofu and Lorian creatures)
May I suggest "Platoon", "Guard", "Battalion"*, "Company" or "Corps" (I'm sure there are loads more but those are the only I could think of at the moment)
(*depending on numbers in your story:L)


All in all I think that was a very interesting chapter. I like that you are deciding to split up your chapters to follow certain clans, rather than haphazardly going back and forth between all of them. A good set up for the next chapter that we see the Aerodu and Lucians fight together :D


@Hict Thanks for that. It was pointed out to me before but I thought I had changed it [:@]

The reason Hikari Yume showed genuine care for Adrian is because the two of them were in a position where they were very likely to die.

It's the same sort of idea with religion: everyone calls to a God in a falling plane.

HY let down his walls and showed care for another because it was possibly the last thing he would ever do. Also he did have great respect for Adrian in the first place for being so brave to go into the Truphma Camp all on his own.


Also my chapter is going to be delayed for a while because I still cannot edit my war story to add on the next chapter or make any changes :L

It appears that my story may have reached a word limit so I will actually need to create another post below the original one :L
This will not be affecting the story but any links that I have posted in the past will bring you to the original post and not the new post underneath which will contain the new chapters :)



Finally got it up XD

Here is the link for Chapter Ten: Death Deciding Decisions





darksaber22 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/6/2013 12:28:54)

@tommy another good chapter and it is good to see a nautica and it looks like things are bad for your character and mine so i can't wait to see how this turns out




tommy2468 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/6/2013 12:31:52)

So now you see the decision that has to be made. I would like everyone who reads to PM me who they wish to survive.

Adrian or Hikari Yume...




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