RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. Two new poems up. Go read!


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RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. Two new poems up. Go read!

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9/29/2008 16:45:45

Mistermafio
Member

Another collab, this one is between me and my good friend Ana_Maria... Whom you all should know by now as this'll be my third collab with her. I'll be writing in my awesome green, unbolded and Ana will be writing in this lovely... Eh, crimson red. (look up to find out why that's funny to me. :^P
Anyway, enjoy

STOP: Enjoy

AQ	Post #: 101

10/2/2008 14:25:40

Mistermafio
Member

This is probably my most negative poem in a long while. Comments appreciated.

Answer me this

AQ	Post #: 102

10/6/2008 17:56:16

Mistermafio
Member

Calling...

"y'allo?"

"Sir, I got a new poem up!"

"Excelent"

AQ	Post #: 103

10/7/2008 16:40:50

Mistermafio
Member

New poem up, this one even has it's own piece of art!

Good times

Be sure to check this too!

AQ	Post #: 104

10/10/2008 12:46:25

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello again!

*appears from nowhere and starts to comment/butcher*
Answer me this

Very strong poem, sad, effective.
Just the way I like!
I noted how the addressing of Death, like here:

quote:

So,
death,
will you tell me

creates pauses that really fit the rhythm of the piece.

I liked it so much that all sorts of stuff popped up in my mind.
So, if you'll excuse me, here's a couple of questions/suggestions you're free to ignore on sight =P

Firstly, is this a duplication typo, because I don't understand why it would have to be repeated?

quote:

As nobody will take take me.

Secondly, since Death is being addressed to like it were more like a being than a state, I'd capitalize all instances of it. Your call, of course.

Thirdly:

quote:

As everyone else I asked to love me,
replied by keeping still.

This is totally, completely, utterly, etc =P, my opinion, but I'd cut that first line a bit by removing 'to love me', because it would sound more effective and appealing when shorter. At least to me, lol.

Fourthly, you'll probably hate this idea, but anyway =P,

quote:

Or at least have that illusion,

why not replace 'have' with 'hold'? It's a stronger verb and since it's about love, 'to hold' would fit the theme, in my honestly humble opinion.

That's all this time!

DF	Post #: 105

10/12/2008 19:31:05

Mistermafio
Member

Heya Fabula ^>^

Thanks, I enjoy that style of writing a lot and I'm glad you enjoy reading it.

The duplicate typo is fixed, thanks for pointing that out.
Death is capatilised, thank you very much for pointing that out as I hadn't even realised that.
Hmm, I kept the "to love me" part as I myself think it is better for the poem, I'll think about it further though, so I might change it in the future.
I also kept "have" for the same reason. Though I must admit I was very temtped to change it.

Thank you very much for your comment ^>^ I very much appreciate it.

For everyone else out there I have great news! I just did another collab with Ana_Maria! ^>^
Check the result just below:
Her Apologies/His Forgiveness

AQ	Post #: 106

10/14/2008 12:50:38

Mistermafio
Member

Another new poem, this one between Sairex and me

Forgive me, I have little time for something more complicated then this

AQ	Post #: 107

10/14/2008 17:03:53

Mistermafio
Member

Even more poetry coming up, these next two poems are rather depressing so be warned.

I hate my life right now

Messy room

AQ	Post #: 108

10/17/2008 7:16:13

YukiKitty
Member

Hm, decided to shake things up a bit and reply to the new collab between you and Skoobs on your thread, MM. ^^

Though, there's not much more to say than this collab made my day. It's very...Not sweet exactly, but...Gah, don't know how to describe it. >.< Well, point is, I love this collab, and it made my day. ^^

Post #: 109

10/17/2008 13:16:57

Mistermafio
Member

I'm very honoured to have you posting here nfan ^>^

I'm glad our collab made your day, just knowing that made my day a whole lot better too :^)

AQ	Post #: 110

10/17/2008 14:47:46

Mistermafio
Member

Two new poems up!

Be careful though, these are dark >:^)

My brother
The most honourable death

AQ	Post #: 111

10/17/2008 14:49:50

Sairex the Dragwolf
Member

Wow, nice. My Brother made me smile, serriously, you made /this/ crazed psychopath happy and proud ^^

The second one was simply amazing, I love how it didn't end with the warriors death, but kept on telling the story even thhough it was written in first person.

Good job, my friend, outstanding macabre.

Post #: 112

10/17/2008 14:52:55

Mistermafio
Member

Heh, thanks Sairex I'm very glad you liked them poems, especially because they kinda aren't my usual subjects (at least not anymore).

^>^

AQ	Post #: 113

10/18/2008 0:47:02

jerenda
Member

MM... I love you. What can I say? You changed a formerly bumpy line to something that makes no sense whatseover. It's amazing, truly it is, but it's... *laughs helplessly*. What I'm trying to say is, the second line of Breaking Free needs more love. (Yay for beating dead horses.) How about, "it used to laugh at me to my face" or "it used to smack me in the face" or "it used to laugh in my face" or something... I don't know... you're the artist here, but yeah.

Yay, emo poems. Exactly what I need. Hey, MM, I've got a question. A friend of mine needs inspiration- really desperatly needs it- and I told her I'd see what I could do. So, have you got any poems on here that could help her start to draw again? Spark the muse. Probably something dark, but not incredibly so. Something that's sort of a mix between emo and perky, assuming she's going from the first to the second and hates perky things. Kind of weird, kind of random, and probably totally confusing request, but I think you speak Jer pretty well, so I hope this makes even the smallest amount of sense.

Now, as bribery, (and because you're amazing like that) I suppose I shall have to read some of these gothic poems. ^_^

Answer me this was amazing and dark and creepy and wonderful. It scared me.

quote:

I'm evenly content with a good lie.

Question mark? This line doesn't bug me, not in the slightest, but it's kind of weird. Keep it if you want, but I'm pointing it out for the sake of it.

And I'm skipping to I hate my life right now. Because I can. Hmm... creepy and good. I understand it. It does some cool flip-flopping that almost threw me for a loop, but it all came together in the end.

Messy room made me laugh. It was cute.

My brother... *makes an expression that is a sort of mix between "what is wrong with you" and "how do you come up with these things" and "that's horrible" and kind of stares* What in the world... frightening, MM. Sometimes I wonder about you...

Okay, I've definitly had my feel of emo for now. *shudders* Eew. *more shuddering*

Post #: 114

10/20/2008 13:40:13

Mistermafio
Member

Thank you so much for your comment Jer, Imma reply to it right away, but first something else... Two new poems:

A day like any other
&&
Tick, tick

The last one is something special... To quote Euky:
<Eukara> Freestyle short narrative
<Eukara> kinda like a short story, but in poem form

~~So... Now excuse me as I prepare to edit in my reply to Jer~~

Here it is:
^>^ aww, thank very much Jer, I love you too. I'll look at it again later and see if I can fix it.

For your request you could try my latest long one, that might work. Or otherwise something like cherryblossom apple pie.
The end might work too
Any of them coming close? Please do tell me so I know what to look for exactly

I'm actually rather happy with that line in Answer me this so I think I'll keep it.
I'm very glad you liked My brother ^<^ And don't worry about me, I'll be fine. :^)

I'm glad you liked my other poems too. I'm very honoured you do :^D

*gives Jer her complimentary emo haircut and make-up* :^P

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 10/20/2008 13:54:48 >

AQ	Post #: 115

10/20/2008 15:52:10

wind_luver
Member

It's been a while since I've read any poetry, and I'm really glad to start again with yours. I read the last 4, and the first word which comes to mind is a unaimous 'wow'.

'My Brother'... It's fantastic. I love how you stayed away from violent imagery in the beginning few stanza's. I automatically assumed it was someone who had died, and then whne you brought in that first bit of violence. It was so sudden and unexpected, I could just see the cold rage. There wasn't passion in it, I mean in the words there is, but in the actual violence, it was cold, very matter of fact, was that how you intended it? Fantastically done, I really really enjoy it. Though I'm sorry someone hurt you like that.

...Is it odd that this one makes me smile? (The Most Honourabe of Deaths) Partially because I enjoy the irony runing throughout. Though that might be me just reading too much into it. It's an interesting thought, does someone decapitated see for a few seconds? Or is it their imagination flashing seconds before they do die. An oddly beautiful poem. Though I could stand to see a bit more...I'm not sure what. I want to say description, but it wouldn't truly fit it. I just felt a bit empty when I finisehd it, and I can't put my finger on why, it just felt like something was missing. (and nice foreshadwing at the beginning, I liked that.)

Now, as for your two latest, the one's I actually started out intending to read. A day like any other ... it's interesting. It's sort of mournful, wanting differences? I'm not sure. It's interesting, that's the only word really coming o mind. There doesn't seem to be the hope usually associated with this sort of poem, I like your outlook on it. Again, very matter of fact.

And last, but not least.... 'Tick Tock!' (*cheers wildly?)...I think this is my favourite out of this selection. Either this or 'My Brother'. The story-telling mode, the pace, the descriptive words of the sounds. It's so easy to see the mind-set, I really don't know what to say about it. It's just brilliant. The whole thing.

~The Other Shade

AQ	Post #: 116

10/20/2008 18:41:45

Firefly
Lore-ian

Yay for experimental! It's really awesome, MM. I love how you characterize the person, the sounds of the ticking, ect. Great flow as well. I really enjoyed the concept.

Only qualm is that it's sometimes not that necessary to describe some things. For example:

quote:

I stood up in an abrupt fashion
and stepped out of my room

The bolded part is awkward, and it's kinda unnecessary description. Maybe cut it out and make it one line? "I stood and stepped out of my room"

Otherwise, a few line-specific things on the awesomeness if you let me? =P

quote:

more annoying then an annoying brother.

I know the repetition is intentional, but I didn't like it... Sounds a bit... I think changing the second annoying to wayward or something might be a good idea. It's kinda redundant as is, and saying things like irritating is kinda redundant as well. Of course, my opinion only.
"then" should be "than"

quote:

More unnerving then a lover that never, ever, calls.

technically, the last comma isn't necessary.
then/than thing again.

quote:

Letting my desk behind me in a desperate attempt to get away from the ticking.

"letting" doesn't seem to fit, imo. Maybe "leaving"?
"get away" is a rather weak word choice, imo. I suggest something like "to depart from the..."

quote:

Finally some peace and quiet.

Imo, if he's saying "finally" for both grammar and expression, I think a comma after "finally" makes sense. He's relieved, sighing even. So, pausing there is logical for the tone.

quote:

talking loudly into the microphone.

I don't claim to be good with technology or culture, but I dunno if it is usually called a microphone. Maybe "mouthpiece"?

Yeah, that's all I have to save. Overall, I really enjoyed the story and the way you used the ticking.

_____________________________

AQ	Post #: 117

10/23/2008 17:45:54

Mistermafio
Member

I'm so sorry I haven't replied to your lovely comments yet, Shade and FF, I really appreciate them but I'm very short on time. I'll do so ASAP, but right now I can only announce that I have a new poem up!

The randomness of a dream

This one even has a hidden message or two, see if you can find it as I won't tell what it is. Sneaky, ain't I?

AQ	Post #: 118

10/26/2008 13:13:17

Amboo
October 2008 Poet of the Month...Woot!

Would the secret be

spoiler:

I see a dream

living happily
our worlds fused together as
vague stars look
eying us and all we do

you dreamed too
overly earthy crib
underlying divinity

I love you :P

I do keep track of your poetry, always pleases me

Post #: 119

10/26/2008 14:33:00

Mistermafio
Member

Finally I found the time to reply to your comments. I'm very sorry it took this long. I really appreciated the comments a lot and would've replied a lot sooner had my schedule let me.

Shade, I loved your comments, I'm very glad you enjoyed my poetry. Two things I'd like to note though. First of all, "My brother" is entirely fictional, some people seem to think it's based on something in real life, but I can assure you that isn't the case. Next, I agree that "the most honourable of deaths" is missing something. I intend on fixing that sometime.

Firefly, I'm very glad you liked the poem. And I appreciate you're suggestions very much. I changed everything except the microphone thing. Which is something I personally prefer to use. ^>^

Amboo, very good, here have a cookie. *hands Amboo a cookie*
You found one of the hidden messages, though I highly doubt you'll find the other. I'm glad my poetry pleases you, and I'm honoured you keep track.

^>^

Thank you all so much. It means a lot to me to know that people enjoy my poetry.

AQ	Post #: 120

10/26/2008 16:39:38

Mistermafio
Member

New poem up!

All alone

AQ	Post #: 121

10/26/2008 16:48:18

leon lionheart
Member

Just read new poem, flowed greatly, dude the whole poem like rolls off the tounge or is tongue? Umm well either one it flowed greatly and was fun to actually read out loud, which I would suggest doing for any other readers since it sounds better out loud actually.

Only one thing that bugged me was the capitalization but then I saw the thing you had going on and realised how it works with the poem, so great work on that, I will think of something bad to say though...just give me time will ya...umm...okay I dunno, in my honest opinion it was pretty good. Perhaps a little more reason though could be included, kind of feels like being left in the dark when you read it, like there's no explanation or reason, but that maybe hard to include in a poem so don't take that comment as a must do.

Post #: 122

10/27/2008 14:18:07

time losh
Member

I just read your new poem that you haven't even mentioned here yet.

It was good, you followed my instructions well and so I give you this...um...*hands you a couple sticks of gum and a paper clip*

Yeah sorry...this was so unexpected...I didn't have time to get you a super cool giftbasket or anything.

AQ	Post #: 123

10/27/2008 14:23:27

Mistermafio
Member

I'm glad you liked the poem Leo. I appreciate the comment too greatly ^>^

Hmm, reason isn't really something I think this poem needs. I kinda like it when people have to think a little to get it. Keeps the brain from getting lazy.

Aww thankies TL ^>^
*noms on the paperclip and plays with the gum*
I'm just glad you like it

New poem up;
Poet's note. This love poem is based upon Time Losh's principles as shown in his lecture on love poems, found here. Be sure to read it as it is very interesting. That'd be all.
Time Losh's ideal love poem

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 10/27/2008 14:24:47 >

AQ	Post #: 124

10/28/2008 5:26:34

wind_luver
Member

Mister MM?
*Chuckles* Is about all I can say in reply to your 'love poem' You certainly stayed true to Mister Losh's words of wisdom.
As to your somewhat more serious poem. 'All Alone'. Beautiful. In a word. I love the format and the repetitions, very nicely done. As is your all-round word choice. I love how you sort of hinted at various patturns in the words, and then stopped using them. I just really enjoyed this. ^^

AQ	Post #: 125

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